AmyLee87 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 So I have decided to join a forum to seek outsiders point of view on my situation. for a little history my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, have known each other though for about 12 before that. He was a close friend of my brothers and we went to school together. We have been living with one another for about 2 years- I'm 28 and he is 31. I have noticed, for a while now that he has some characteristics that I don't like. Examples of those are, he has a very bad temper, he is lazy (in particular around the house), and one that is really standing out at me lately is that he is controlling- in my opinion anyway. I have been telling my sister about these things that happen and I don't want to keep confiding in her as it changes her opinion and makes things awkward because she starts to hate him. Trying to keep this as short and readable as possible I will just mention the few things that have caused me to seek someone's opinion and possibly give me some advice. So short version, my boyfriend didn't want to go to something my family (brother, brothers fiancé and my sister) had organized. But with him not wanting to go he also didn't want me to go. He makes it sound to me like I 'can' go until the very last minute and makes me feel awful for going. Guilt trips me by saying that it's the last weekend we have together before he goes away- more info on that, he is going away for a golfing trip from Tuesday to Friday and then the following week he has a work trip from Monday to Friday. The reason he doesn't want to go to this thing my family had organized is because he goes golfing every Saturday. Anyway, he calls me as I'm in my car at my mother's to meet my sister and expresses that he doesn't like that I'm going to the point I say fine I won't go. And then he yells at me to say no, go because now you have made me feel like an arsehole. I suggested that he was being controlling. He hung up on me and I called him back. In a angry, yelling voice he screams at me to never call him controlling again. To which I reply well, you are. I sent a text to explain myself as I can never get a word in when he is that angry, he usually just screams off to my face. He doesn't respond for hours until he sends me a text saying I'm sorry I yelled. I don't mean to come accross as controlling. I just want to spend time with you. Now, he leaves me every Saturday for golf, is having this golf trip for the next week, while he does this I do our grocery shopping and make sure the house and clothes are clean .I never have any time to myself. I recently joined a gym, to which he didn't seem pleased but couldn't complain because I go after work while he is usually at the driving range. So I guess it's ok because he is occupied. But he routinely asks me if I'm going to leave him when I get thinner. I just don't understand what the hell goes through his head and it's wearing me thin. I feel I give so much to this relationship. I feel like a slave with all the things I do for him around the home. And he always gives off the vibe that I owe him something if he lifts a finger to help, or does the lawns (which has sort of become a once a month thing) I don't feel equal. Or appreciated. Yet I'm still here. This post is long and the sad thing is so much has been left out of last night and past occurrences. I feel like I'm not confident to leave him. He has some good points. But they are starting to mean less and less every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 He is trying to cut you off from your family so you will only have him to rely on. This is what controlling people do. Did you not see his anger before you started dating him? If you knew him for 12 years did he hide this part of himself? I would leave him if I was you. It won't be long before his yelling matches turn physical! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capttrae Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 He's insecure. Nobody should try to cut you off from your friends and family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 he is controling you and seems very negative/insecure. HE needs help. He is not respecting you at all. This has to stop. His laziness, his temper and controlling behaviour because he has issues. I'd suggest he work on improving real soon. Either shape up or ship out! he's slowly bringing you down and you can't let this. he needs to understand it too- what he's doing here. IF he doesn't want to work on laying off, respecting you more and maybe seeking help for his issue's I'd say to get yourself OUT of this. You NEED your inner strength. Don't let him suck the life out of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Hopefully you'll reach a point where you're clear that you'll only get an argument whether you do what you want to do or not, so you may as well just do what you want--and don't let him manipulate you--and do NOT call him back to fight with him when he tries. Even more hopefully you'll reach a point where you recognize that you will never get any time you waste with this guy back to live over again. Then it will occur to you that your youth is passing you by, and you're wasting it being miserable instead of pursuing a brighter future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyLee87 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Hi, he was a completely different person when we weren't in a relationship. And also for the first 3 months or so we were together. He first got angry about something so ridiculous I remember thinking how strange it was to react like that. I had never seen it before. And it happened alot more often and I confronted him that it made me uncomfortable. He would explain his anger was towards other issues but it would always down my mood just seeing him react over stupid , eg: like spilling something on the bench. And in the last couple months I have realized that it's more than that. And it's like I'm treading on eggshells around him. I never realized I was doing that until last night. How do I end this ? I feel like I have zero confidence. It's so put of character for me too. My family have come forward now and mentioned I have changed but didn't realize it myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyLee87 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 You are so right. I have only had my eyes opened when this occurred last night. I also realized I now have no friends left, he makes me feel like I have no time for anything. I'm constantly with him, or cleaning up after him. I have even written pros and cons lists, with way way more cons. I have fantasized about leaving him. I guess these aren't good signs. He is angry at me again as we speak after barely making up from last night. So over it. I need to leave but I need to not let him pull me back like he does. I kick myself every time ! What is wrong with me? No confidence. And the scariest thought of all. Is maybe one day being bound to him by a child. But why can't I take the plunge and go! I just can't believe how stupid that sounds. Thank you for the response. It feels good being assured that I'm not just going insane. You know, being as oblivious as I am. I once saw an email on my laptop but he had left himself signed in and I thought it was mine at first. It was from a forum like this where the topic was 'my girlfriend spends too much time with her family' and I was shocked and never mentioned to him that I had saw it. I had forgotten all of this somehow until last night. It's like I was in denial that he could be this way and stuffed it somewhere in the back of my memory. I think I had fooled myself, I had always had a thing for him - well the guy I thought he was. And I fell into the trap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanTheMan01 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Same case...i neglected my social circle for her and now my bros also kinda shun me...which makes me embarassed to face them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Why not just go back to your family? Spending enough time with them will help you get your Self back, and you'll be surprised by how quickly your confidence will return, too. Sick men isolate women and keep them miserable and down. This can do something to your head where you feel too weak to bust out of the trap. So don't worry about analyzing or building a good enough case for leaving. All relationships are voluntary, and you don't need anybody's approval to leave one. The fact that you're not happy is all you need to know. Go stay with family and have them help you move out if you're living with him. Let him call your relationship with them the problem--you don't need to convince him that he's the problem. It doesn't matter. All else will fall into place--you don't need a bigger plan than just getting free. Just liberate yourself, and you will thank yourself later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.