thatgirl20 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 OK Sorry this is really long if you want just skip to the bottom where I ask the question. We've been dating almost 8 months. I'm 31 with a four year old and a five year old (girl and boy) and he is 40 with a 12 year old girl. He was divorced a year when we started dating, I'm more newly divorced but totally over ex etc. just giving background here. He wanted me to meet his daughter pretty quickly (in casual situation) this happened just once very briefly, drunk asked me to marry him (which of course didn't mean anything), had me come w him to vegas for his best friends wedding, etc. clearly nuts about me. I wasn't going to have him meet my kids until 9 months, but I ended up having him meet them at 6 months (and he was really encouraging this) and we seemed really solid and I wanted the kids to be able to enjoy some summer activities outside was a good way to meet him. I have met his daughter a couple times since that first meeting, at the obvious prompting of his friends he went to Vegas with. In the past month especially, he's clearly gotten a lot less interested in me. It seems like I'm below his friend on the totem pole of importance (which I won't detail) and it seems more often than not he'd rather sit home by himself or go out with his friend than come stay overnight with me (which is very convenient for his work by the way as it's right next door). He clearly doesn't want me to sleep over or be over at all when his daughter is home, but when my kids are home he comes over. I have my kids almost all the time now I only don't one night a week, unlike when we first started dating the situation was more fluid. He has his daughter half the week and every other weekend. On the weekends she is with him, I never get to see him. I brought up that my aunt is getting married in a few weeks, and when I asked about him leaving work an hour early to get to the wedding and not just reception he was wishy washy enough about that to make me realize he doesn't want anything to do with that whole situation or even to come along with me but he will at least come to the reception. So, he may come see me once during the work week to sleep over, and then I might see him two evenings/starting late evening one weekend but every other weekend I won't see him at all. This is hard for me, I feel like we don't see each other enough and our relationship is based on text messaging, which he really seems to like to text. OK, sorry this si long. So it seems obvious to me he's really decided he's not that into me, but I do not believe he's going to dump me either. I believe he considers me "eye candy" so to speak and enjoys that he feels it raises his status amongst people he knows to be around me (I don't wnat to toot my own horn too much here I'm really average looking and he looks good but I"m just going to say I am a lot more attractive than his ex and people are repeatedly pointing this out to him and teasing about it). So, I don't think he's going to dump me really, but I feel like he's decided he's far from sure about marrying me and it doesn't seem like he has any interest in joining hte families, it seems like he just wants a compartmentalized relationship with his daughter. QUESTION: There's a power imbalance now where my kids see him in the morning after he's stayed over night once a week and eats supper with us sometimes, but he doesn't seem to want me within a 10 foot pole of his daughter. Please read full thing if you're wondering how I got into this situation. I'm not comfortable with the current situation at all. There's a power imbalance here, and it needs to be rectified. Is it rude to tell him that I'm more uncomfortable than I thought previously about the kids seeing him sleep over, and that I'd like to keep that between us? I feel like that would harm our relationship, but I really don't know what else to do outside just breaking up with him, which I don't want to do until I give him a little more time (if we've been dating a year and he's still acting like this I'd break up). I feel like it's bad if he's backtracked on the direction of our relationship a little for mjy kids to be seeing him sleep over or even seeing him at all given the current cirumstances. What should I do?? Thanks so much in advance!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 What I get from that is he doesn't care about hurting your kids if the relationship breaks up but he wants no chance of hurting his daughter. Bleck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Why do you want to give him a year? If you had been dating for a month, I'd understand it..but it's been 8 months and you've already realised he's not the guy for you..or you're not the girl for him. I find it absurd that you know he's not that into you and, yet, you want to keep him around. The problem isn't about kids. It's about him and how he feels (or doesn't feel) about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 I really do think 6 months is too soon to be introducing to the kids, particularly if they're 4 and 5 years old. I think he's well aware of that as far as his kid is concerned but he (naturally but selfishly) is less concerned how it affects yours than his. It was irresponsible for him to suggest it. Eight months really isn't long at all. When you were talking about the wedding and reception, was his daughter scheduled to be around for that time? I wouldn't be too big a fan of getting thrown into the family mix in such a big way only 6-8 months in, and if I had a daughter who was supposed to be around at that time, I'd be very forward about not really wanting to go at all. I think the expectations are way too high considering the limited time you two have invested. You're going to have major politics when different children from two parties are involved. I think you'd be more suited finding a man without kids who would be comfortable with yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 He has kept his boundaries with regard to his daughter. You have folded on you boundaries. I think your read is correct...you have been compartmentalized and have a small place in his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 In the beginning of a relationship there's the Honeymoon phase. Full of excitement, etc. Now, it sounds like he's laid back more... BUT he at least is continuing to come see you. There can always be issue's when it comes to having kids involved. You've been dating for 8 mos. Why would you even 'think' marriage? If you feel there's a power imbalance, by all means, state your concerns. Comunication is always needed in a relationship. Are you just upset with the fact that he doesn't have you over when his dtr's over for the weekend? Because I thought you mentioned that you were wanting him to meet your kids by a certain time, anyways. This can be a bit challenging, with each of your availabilities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 You could try discussing your concerns about the imbalance but be prepared for the worse. Being his rejecting your proposal of correcting the imbalance. An alternative is to actively but gradually pull him away from your children so they can adjust to not seeing him as much. I think your children are your number one concern to protect their hearts as much as possible. If you feel he is treating you like a trophy and you don't like this then you need to look within and ask yourself what you truly want out of a relationship. I personally think you all got involved too intensely too early especially him. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. Missmarple I'm really not sure he thinks he's not the guy for me I really have a hard time accepting that given the signs, and when I talk to people that know me here, friends say oh give him a chance, I thinkt hey assume he must like me more than I think he does though. j.man no it was at a time his daughter wouldn't be with him and there's no way I would have thought his daughter would have come to the reception that idea was out of the question for both of us anyway I think. But he met some members of my extended family already when it was his idea to come to lake which was near the lake he was on already when we had a family reunion so he has met much of that side of the family already when we were together 6 months right after he met my kids. mhowe - yeah thanks; I really do want to hear t he truth; I"m going to make an excuse and say this is my first relationship after divorce; assuming this guy and I break up I'mnever breaking my 9month rule again possibly will do longer soosad33 - I guess 8 months to me feels like long time for me I tend to make up my mind easily and have never changed my mind about being w someone after we'e been together about 5 months or so I've never changed my mind about someone because of something I've found out about them or something. I don't want to interrupt his quality time with his daughter, but when he's out with friends and groups of people say for ex. he goes to a bar to watch a sports game with COUPLES (not just the guys) and his daguther and a couple of her friends (small town kids in the bar) and he doens't invite me it does make me feel bad. The only reason I've seen her is because he gets in situations like that and then his friends start heckling him about why I'm not there the two times I did see her the past few months. What I was wanting was for him to not "exclude" me in those situations, and also look for opportunities where it might be a good time for our kids to meet, things like that. Basically doesn't have to move fast but just a general attitude vs. intentionally avoiding getting together. Yes availabilities are challenging. He has a lot more availability as far as going out as I do but he also has a wide variety of leisure things he does and people he hangs out with so he's busy all the time too. Rosti87 - I like that idea of gradual. I'm happy that my kids haven't met him a whole lot, but they have met him probably 10 times? But every time other than two times he's met them it has't been for a long period just eating supper here with him, or seeing him for a couple minutes in the morning before he leaves. I'm avoiding talking about him or mentioning him. I think I'm going to make sure I'm not talking about him or mentioning him. Thye know him as "my friend X" who has sleepovers sometimes I totally agree with you about the trophy, and getting too intensely involved too early, I think both of us have that tendency to do that too. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 p.s. mhowe I forgot to mention though actually I'm not sure what his boundaries are with his daughter because he wanted me to meet her right awya in our relatoinship, and I wasn't about to let him meet my kids (when we were going together 2 or 3 months).. So I sort of tend ot think it's just me vs. his enforcing boundaries I guess, but it could be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 If you can I would discourage his sleeping over when your children are there until he improves his level of commitment. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 If you can I would discourage his sleeping over when your children are there until he improves his level of commitment. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Thank you I will do that. I plan to have a conversation with him about it in some way and will try to focus on what I want, also otherwise it would be hard to explain why he can't come and sleep over the one time a week or whatever that would come up. I'm not sure what to say exactly yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you I will do that. I plan to have a conversation with him about it in some way and will try to focus on what I want, also otherwise it would be hard to explain why he can't come and sleep over the one time a week or whatever that would come up. I'm not sure what to say exactly yet. Is there another designated day he can come over when your children are not there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Is there another designated day he can come over when your children are not there? I only have one night a week when my kids don't sleep over and it's on the weekend. Every other weekend he has his daughter (but even when she has had a sleepover a couple times he hasn't taken initiative to come see me instead). And this weekend I have to have them all weekend (rare) and it's his weekend away from his daughter. Soo...once every 2 weeks max is the time where we both are away from our kids for him to sleep over without that coming up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Thank you I will do that. I plan to have a conversation with him about it in some way and will try to focus on what I want, also otherwise it would be hard to explain why he can't come and sleep over the one time a week or whatever that would come up. I'm not sure what to say exactly yet. I would say oh well I've noticed that I can never be with you when you're with your daughter so you know same rules apply to me you can't be with me when I'm with my kids. So no sleepovers with my kids here. No point in dancing around it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Victoria thanks I tend to like the direct route too. Rosti87 I should also have pointed out though that prior to him meeting my kids, he did start sleeping over (and he did a lot more than he does now) and what we did was we slept in mjy basement (it's finished) in an air mattress lol, and I'd lock the doora t the top of the stairs leading to main floor, and my kids sleep upstairs. So sometimes they got up in night wondering why I wasn't in my room they just assumed I was downstairs watching tv and I'd hear them coming and go up there before they came down and then he could easily leave in morning without htem seeing so they never had any idea he was over. We could always go back to something like that but now that he's been in my bed quite the downgrade especially since he has bad/neck/shoulder issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I'm with Victoria. Easy is as easy does. If he has you jumping through hoops to satisfy his needs he needs to do the same. All I see is your twisting yourself in a pretzel to keep the peace. He needs to be told some home truths. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 He wanted me to meet his daughter pretty quickly (in casual situation) this happened just once very briefly, drunk asked me to marry him (which of course didn't mean anything), had me come w him to vegas for his best friends wedding, setc. clearly nuts about me. I have met his daughter a couple times since that first meeting, at the obvious prompting of his friends he went to Vegas with. In the past month especially, he's clearly gotten a lot less interested in me. It seems like I'm below his friend on the totem pole of importance (which I won't detail) and it seems more often than not he'd rather sit home by himself or go out with his friend than come stay overnight with me (which is very convenient for his work by the way as it's right next door). The kids are a boundary issue (which doesn't look good). It's a bad sign when a parent wants to introduce someone quickly during dating. It comes accross that they're either clueless in dating, or has already placed you in a relationship, and is using the kid to reel you in. That's not good. The other concern would center in other areas that I would consider to be red flags, especially while still in the dating stage (getting drunk, flying off to Vegas, rather sit at home,...). Also, making statements like "It seems like I'm below his friend on the totem pole of importance (which I won't detail)", sounds like you're making excuses for his behavior. Why are you willing to tolerate these items? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 I'm with Victoria. Easy is as easy does. If he has you jumping through hoops to satisfy his needs he needs to do the same. All I see is your twisting yourself in a pretzel to keep the peace. He needs to be told some home truths. Yeah you're right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 The kids are a boundary issue (which doesn't look good). It's a bad sign when a parent wants to introduce someone quickly during dating. It comes accross that they're either clueless in dating, or has already placed you in a relationship, and is using the kid to reel you in. That's not good. The other concern would center in other areas that I would consider to be red flags, especially while still in the dating stage (getting drunk, flying off to Vegas, rather sit at home,...). Also, making statements like "It seems like I'm below his friend on the totem pole of importance (which I won't detail)", sounds like you're making excuses for his behavior. Why are you willing to tolerate these items? I have no idea why I'm willing to tolerate. This kind of creeped up on me recently where i realized I seem to like him more prior to that it seemed to be more him pursuing me. Though that's not really an excuse, this is a pattern of mine too, it's kind of ridiculous. The vegas thing I partly only went because I used to go on vacations once a year or so before I met my ex husband then I met him and I never went anywhere for like 6 years, and we never went out and did anything ( he was on autism spectrujm also) so right after I was done w him when this guy wanted to go on vacation I was like Yes let's go!! If I had another b/f now I'd be less enthusiastic about it. But I do agree these are red flags. Honestly I met this guy trying ot have sex on craigslist. I would never admit this to anyone I know here, but this appears anonymous. And then instead of doing what was agreed upon in the ad he wanted me to be my g/f, I wasn't looking for relationship. . OK. Yes red flags. This is not good. I will have a blunt conversation with him soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Interesting. So, this was a casual hookup, that turned into a LTR. Since you both were looking for the same thing, then that makes the kids situation so strange. Why bring children into a situation like that? It's always problematic to change a casual situation, into a LTR. It looks like you did no formal dating with him, so there are no boundaries, or dating strategy,... He's looking out for his best interests (executing his plan), at the expense of yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatgirl20 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Interesting. So, this was a casual hookup, that turned into a LTR. Since you both were looking for the same thing, then that makes the kids situation so strange. Why bring children into a situation like that? It's always problematic to change a casual situation, into a LTR. It looks like you did no formal dating with him, so there are no boundaries, or dating strategy,... He's looking out for his best interests (executing his plan), at the expense of yours. The casual hookup never happened. That's what he promised, to deliver this rape fantasy, and then he refused to do it when it came down to it, so there never was any actual hookup. Then he asked me on a date and then wanted to be my girlfriend. So it never was actually a "casual situation" other than the theoretical, becauseof his refusal to engage in that. I guess he had some kind o fmadonna/ thing in mind and I didn't fit the thing because he refused to have anything to do with that whole thing after meeting me. Like I said this is anonymous or I"d never be saying this lol, I didn't end up meeting anyone else before this I wa sjust looking to hook up w someone as my husband and I were separating. What do you think his plan is?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 The casual hookup never happened. That's what he promised, to deliver this rape fantasy, and then he refused to do it when it came down to it, so there never was any actual hookup. Then he asked me on a date and then wanted to be my girlfriend. So it never was actually a "casual situation" other than the theoretical, becauseof his refusal to engage in that. I guess he had some kind o fmadonna/ thing in mind and I didn't fit the thing because he refused to have anything to do with that whole thing after meeting me. Like I said this is anonymous or I"d never be saying this lol, I didn't end up meeting anyone else before this I wa sjust looking to hook up w someone as my husband and I were separating. What do you think his plan is?? Forget about his plan. You control what is best for you, so what is your plan? If what he's looking for doesn't fit what you're looking for, then move on. It looks like you wanted to casually date. If so, then stick to it, and don't get caught up with some man's goal for a misguided relationship. There are children involved, so anything you do revolves around your kids safety/security (mentally & physically). If you want to move in the direction of a relationship, then go on formal dates, with a plan on what you're looking for. If you see some future with this man (which I don't see), then start over again with him, and make him date you (go to places, build up the friendship, leave the kids out of it,...). None of this "stay at home" stuff. You'll know soon enough if he has what it takes to be with you in a LTR (compatibility being #1). I might be wrong, but I have my doubts if he will properly pursue you (dating-wise). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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