lissil Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Hi everyone, I would like to explain my situation to see if you have any advice for me, since I seem to be at a loss here... I have this really close friend I talk to on a daily basis even though she now lives abroad and we have a 6 hour time difference. For the last 2 years and a half we have failed to talk to eachother 4 or 5 days, at most. We talk about our shared hobbies, about the things we have done that day, about our insecurities and fears, we talk about everything. She makes me smile with the silliest of things, and I feel really lucky to have her in my life. I love her very much. That said... Yesterday I checked my Facebook account, which I seldom do, and I saw a few messages of people congratulating her and her partner (they have been together for five years now) on her first wedding anniversary. At first I thought it was a prank since I had no knowledge of any marriage, but then I checked her partner's profile and it was... oh very true. I was so shocked I couldn't even think. I couldn't believe she would get married and not tell me. So I went to check our messages from a year ago and, what a coincidence, at that time she was in New York visiting a friend for a few days. It made sense, a lot of sense. Same sex marriage was not legal in her state back then, but it was in New York. Also, I should add her friend is a presbyterian minister. I went on reading the messages and we talked that day. She told me they went to see a lake, and that she saw a house I really would have loved (I'm an architect). She even sent me pictures of the house in question, but she didn't tell me she GOT MARRIED THAT DAY. And I wonder, why? It is true that she didn't lie at any point. Silly me that I didn't think to ask: Hey, are you by any chance getting married today? So that is it. My best friend, my only close friend if I am completely honest, got married last year and she hasn't told me yet. Why? I keep searching for a reason but I can't find one. Maybe our friendship is more important to me than it is to her? Maybe she doesn't feel safe to tell me? What is it? After finding all this out, yesterday I didn't reply to her messages. I didn't know what to say. Should I tell her I know? And how should I do it? All I know is I cannot lose my friend, I really need her right now. I've been working on this project for the last 8 years and I finally have to present it before a jury of colleagues next month. I'm going through a really bad patch, anxiety attacks in public restrooms included, and now I have added to my anxiety this deep sadness and I don't know what to do. Do I even have the right to be hurt? I would really appreciate your opinion/advice on this. Thanks in advance. (Please excuse any mistakes as English is not my first language.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 No, you should not out her. I understand she is your best friend but we don't own the right to other people's information no matter how close we are to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 No, you should not out her. I understand she is your best friend but we don't own the right to other people's information no matter how close we are to them. She's not outing her. She wants to ask why her friend got married and didn't want to tell her. OP, have you ever said anything that would make her hersistant to tell you she's marrying? That said, if you're internet friends I would take it as her just not thinking of you as much as a regular life friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 What I mean by " outing" is asking someone why they didn't include us in whatever information they excluded us from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 If you're both really close just ask her. My guess is it has something to do with her being afraid you'd end the friendship or judge her. So maybe start off with saying something like, "As your close friend you know I love you and want the best for you. I was surprised to see that you'd gotten married last year and am feeling bewildered about why you never told me? You know I'm thrilled you found a life partner, but let's talk about this. I'm worried you feel you have to hide things from me and you don't. We're friends." Something like that and see what she says or does. I would be at a loss too, but you really aren't going to know unless you ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I think ParisPaulette said it very well. Just ask her. Maybe she's concerned about how you feel about same sex marriage? Clear the air by asking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I would say something like.. 'Hey, silly, I didn't know you got married a year go?' lol. Make it not so harsh where she might feel put in the spot yet open to discuss it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movingforward3 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Perhaps she is hoping for you to be more than friends and that's why she didn't tell you? Did you ever think she was attracted to you, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Is this also a situation where she maybe should have invited you to her wedding, being such a close best friend? Or did she not invite anyone from "back home" to the wedding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lissil Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. They really help No, you should not out her. I understand she is your best friend but we don't own the right to other people's information no matter how close we are to them. That was actually my first instinct. I thought: "Ok, I'm hurt, but she doesn't have to tell me everything..." I've been thinking about it nonstop since yesterday, and it is true, she doesn't have to share absolutely everything if she doesn't want to, but she is not hiding a haircut gone wrong, she's hiding a major event in her life, something she should be happy about. So, right now I am not as hurt as I am worried. If she feels she has to hide something this big, it makes me think there is a problem there, and I can't stand the idea of her suffering. OP, have you ever said anything that would make her hersistant to tell you she's marrying? That said, if you're internet friends I would take it as her just not thinking of you as much as a regular life friend. No, not at all. Just recently we were talking about another friend of mine who is getting married and about how excited I was about going to my first bachelorette party. It sounds really stupid now. We are regular life friends, so that is not the issue either. If you're both really close just ask her. My guess is it has something to do with her being afraid you'd end the friendship or judge her. So maybe start off with saying something like, "As your close friend you know I love you and want the best for you. I was surprised to see that you'd gotten married last year and am feeling bewildered about why you never told me? You know I'm thrilled you found a life partner, but let's talk about this. I'm worried you feel you have to hide things from me and you don't. We're friends." Something like that and see what she says or does. I would be at a loss too, but you really aren't going to know unless you ask. I would say something like.. 'Hey, silly, I didn't know you got married a year go?' lol. Make it not so harsh where she might feel put in the spot yet open to discuss it now. The thing is this is something she has omitted for a long time now. We have talked for more than 300 times since the wedding. I would never be harsh, but I don't think I can play it down either. If I decide to talk to her about it I think I'll use something more in the lines of what ParisPaulette said. I think ParisPaulette said it very well. Just ask her. Maybe she's concerned about how you feel about same sex marriage? Clear the air by asking. She knows I am very pro same-sex marriage. Perhaps she is hoping for you to be more than friends and that's why she didn't tell you? Did you ever think she was attracted to you, Well... That's exactly what my sister said when I told her about this. We are both attracted to each other and we were a bit flirty a long time ago, but nothing else. We live half a world away and she is in a committed relationship, so there are lines I am not willing to cross, and I think neither is she. Is this also a situation where she maybe should have invited you to her wedding, being such a close best friend? Or did she not invite anyone from "back home" to the wedding? No, she knows that even if she had invited me I couldn't have afford to fly there. As far as I know, not even her parents attended. I talked to her a few hours ago and I said nothing about this, I couldn't bring myself to it. I still don't know if I should tell her I found out. Maybe I should just wait until she actually wants to tell me, even though I know the longest this goes on, the harder it will be to come clean. I feel like I need to think about all the possible reasons behind this before I decide what to do. I'm just concerned. What if she is in a bad situation of some kind? What would that be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 If it's plastered on FB, then it's not exactly secret, and maybe she's wondering why you've never congratulated her. I'd start off by saying you've been unplugged from FB this year and just went in, and you noticed congrats on her wedding. Then laugh and say, "Did I miss something big and owe you and [partner's name] a congratulations?" Then be quiet and listen to what she has to say. Leave the hurt stuff out of it--that won't benefit your relationship with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lissil Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 It is plastered on her partner's FB. There is nothing to be seen on her page other than those few messages congratulating them (no relationship status, pictures, or any previous mention) Or maybe they are there and I can't view them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 It is plastered on her partner's FB. There is nothing to be seen on her page other than those few messages congratulating them (no relationship status, pictures, or any previous mention) Or maybe they are there and I can't view them. I'd keep the same answer, as it being plastered on FB--regardless of who's account--gives you the perfect opening to remark on your curiosity and open dialog about it. There's a huge difference between stumbling accross information innocently versus hacking or snooping. You did neither, so the only thing preventing you from raising this as a curiosity is your own default position to feel hurt by it. I'd skip that, at very least until after I've learned my friends thoughts on it. She may have engaged a ceremony that was symbolic rather than legal, or she may have any other rationale that we can't conceive of. If you're close enough to view her as a dear friend, then you're positioned to give her the benefit of doubt and withhold assumptions prior to raising your questions in a gentle way. Otherwise, you're as responsible for creating a wedge in your friendship as you presume that she is. That's why being curious rather than furious would serve you well, and I hope you'll let us know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lissil Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 That is what I actually am, curious, not furious at all. I just hope that is how I come through when I talk to her, and I will in a couple of hours. If she doesn't have a busy day and has time to sit down and talk for a bit I will bring it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saluk Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 She may think that YOU still have feelings for her also, and be trying to spare you, since there was some attraction in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 That is what I actually am, curious, not furious at all. I just hope that is how I come through when I talk to her, and I will in a couple of hours. If she doesn't have a busy day and has time to sit down and talk for a bit I will bring it up. What was the outcome? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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