Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 (Please excuse any misspellings, English is not my first language) I moved to the US a year ago and needless to say, dating has been difficult. At first I seem very interesting and exotic, but at the end of the day most guy here prefer an American with whom they will have more in common than a European girl like me. I met a guy 7 months ago, and I completely fell head over heals. Let's call him Tim. Like completely. I can honestly say that I have not had so strong feelings for anyone prior to this, and I have had a long-term relationship for 3 years. I'm still not over him, I think about him everyday. Even though I know deep down inside that he was not the right guy for me. But he still has a very special place in my heart and I think of him with a broken heart. A few days after he broke up with me (3 months ago), I agreed to go on a date with a guy that had been texting me for months trying to convince me to date him. I always said no. My heart belonged to someone else and I told him that. But he was persistent and I finally agreed, mostly to get my mind off things. The date was great and I really felt like he was different from other guys that can be superficial and only after one thing. But I didn't reflect much on it or him. After this I decided that the only way for me to survive the break up was to date guys, lots of them. So I have. I go on at least one date a week. But after one date, I lose interest and it doesn't go anywhere. If the guy texts me I ignore the texts. But this guy, the persistent one, is the only one I have seen regularly since that first date. On our third date, he cooked me dinner and setup a really romantic atmosphere, there was an open fireplace and we drank wine and danced and goofed around. LAte that night we started kissing passionately and I knew that he was attempting to maybe take things to the next level. But I felt like I was cheating on Tim. So I said thank you for a wonderful night and I left his place. A couple of days later he asked me to go away with him on a overnight road trip. I froze completely. Didn't know what to say. Long story short, I agreed to go but I explained to him that I don't sleep with guys so early in dating and I only sleep with a guy if I'm in a relationship with him. He said he totally respected that and sure enough he picked me up and took me away on a great trip. We had so much fun. We stayed at a hotel but still no sex. But there was no tension and it all felt so easy and natural, yet still something that held me back from letting him in my heart. There's no room in my heart… Now its been a while since then. We've seen each other three times after that (he's been away on summer vacation a while) and he's always so sweet. He makes me wish that I could let him into my life, for real. So now that you know some of what happened, here's my problem. He is still "waiting" for me. Every time we get intimate and I stop it I feel like he won't call/text me again and won't want to see me again. But then there he is again asking me out and I really don't understand it. I live in a big city in the US where few people actually settle down. This is the city people come to to live out their craziest dreams and nobody is looking for a relationship (generalizing). So I don't understand why he is still waiting. Now it's been so long that sometimes I think that maybe he's just in it for the chase. But do guys do that for this long? It's been 3 months since our first date, and we haven't actually went on so many dates but I am pretty sure that he wants to give me space, because with him I kind of come off like an extremely independent woman who's not interested in a relationship. Then again he hasn't brought up any talks about something serious either. But when I repeatedly say that I only have sex with someone in a relationship he says that has great respect for that. I want to add though that I don't know if he's dating other girls, but since I'm a pretty realistic person I would say that he probably is. Anyway. What do guys think? Why is he OK with waiting for this long? Should I be honest with him and say the real reason? (On a side note I'm 30 years old and he is 33). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 The problem is, is that you never allowed yourself to get over the other guy. You don't move on from someone by using other people to cover your emotions. You should not date anyone, until you feel that you have moved on from your ex. You need to deal with the pain, and learn from your last relationship. I would be honest with this other guy. Maybe, you two can reconnect when you are in a better place. And, don't try to be friends until you have moved on from the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 Yes, I realize that and I agree. Thank you that was good advice. Although, after all this I admit that I do have some feelings for him. At first he was just someone to take my mind off things, but after the last time I saw him I think about him more and more. But yes, you are right. I need to give myself time to heal completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movingforward3 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Some guys are patient. He may be what he is at face value: waiting on you, as he likes you and your company And you friend zoned him and he can't break free now from that black hole What if decided he was done and didn't speak to you again? How would you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man with Dog Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Blokes ARE prepared for the right girl. Also, dating after a break-up makes you feel attractive again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Stop using other people to make yourself feel better over the break up. There were probably guys that dated you that wanted a relationship and yet all they got was used. Treat others like you want to be treated. That mean be honest with yourself and this guy you are stringing along. If you tell him the truth and he then decides to wait then that is his fully informed choice isn't it? It doesn't seem like you have wanted to heal over your breakup, if you do you will have to admit he is gone forever... Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 "A few days after he broke up with me (3 months ago), I agreed to go on a date with a guy that had been texting me for months trying to convince me to date him. I always said no. My heart belonged to someone else and I told him that. But he was persistent and I finally agreed, mostly to get my mind off things" - This is NOT the thing to do. be honest with him & yourself. You can't cover up your emotions over your break up from another relationship. If you're not ready, admit it. I'm sure you've also come to realize that when the day is done.. you go back home & still feel the hurt from your break up, don't you? I suggest you be honest and take some down time to take care of YOU now. To work on accepting & healing from your loss. You cannot 'give' if you don't have it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Blokes ARE prepared for the right girl. Also, dating after a break-up makes you feel attractive again. Stroking one's ego is not fair to others, especially if they develop feelings. I think it's best to get the validation from yourself, not others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 I would guess he is waiting for you, but that he isn't celibate and is seeing other women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Absolutely men wait. They may get it somewhere else but that is not relevant at this stage. I can immediately identify several men in my own history who would wait. They might not even call it waiting. Everyone is attracted to people who act with respect for themselves and others, and he thinks that is what you are doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 I would feel sad for a short while I think, but I would probably get over it fairly soon. That's because I haven't really allowed myself to feel any deep feelings. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate his good qualities, I do see that he is a really good guy, and somehow I don't want to miss out on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 Sad but true. Sometimes you do need a bit attention in order to feel desired again. Especially in my case, since I felt really rejected after it ended with my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 That is very selfish of you. You get a great guy and he gets a shallow, emotionally distant woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 Absolutely men wait. They may get it somewhere else but that is not relevant at this stage. I can immediately identify several men in my own history who would wait. They might not even call it waiting. Everyone is attracted to people who act with respect for themselves and others, and he thinks that is what you are doing. I guess my biggest fear is what happens after he gets it. Will he leave me just like my ex? I've been protecting myself to not go through the same pain of being left again. And doing something that intimate will definitely get my feelings going and make me vulnerable. I guess the best thing to do is to take a break and just take care of me for a while. But dating has just been a way for me to "get out there" and socialize, as I don't really know a lot of people in the city where I live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 That is very selfish of you. You get a great guy and he gets a shallow, emotionally distant woman. I realize that. It started as a way of surviving the break up and continued. You don't always think rationally at times like that. But I do realize in hindsight that I needed to act differently. And it's not too late I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 OP, dating is a waste of tim eunless it is helping you understand yourself better, and helping you identify traits in the men you choose and why it is you choose those traits. You WILL get hurt again. All of us do. There is an aspect of yourself that remains yours, always. When you begin to learn that, your relationships are more intimate because you know you can sustain the pain should the end occur. With respect to this fellow who is courting you: Will he leave you is irrelevant. You do not get to control his choices through dishonesty, manipulation, etc. You need to let you be you, plainly and transparently, and let the chips fall where they may. That is the only way you will discover that you have the ability to pick those chips up and roll the dice again. Please read up on fear of abandonment and co-dependency. The reading may spur some ideas that help you through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 So I missed something in your original post. This guy was texting you while you were still with your bf trying to convince you to date him? AND just days after the breakup you agree to date him? Do you see any problems with any of this? Here is what I see: -You are in contact with other guys while in a relationship, guys that are not friends but suitors. That is bad. -You are heartbroken but agree to go on a date with this guy days after the breakup. Bad once again. -You did zero healing from the breakup and rebounded to the first guy that came along. Bad. -You think he is a good guy but he has no respect for relationships since he kept trying to get with you while you were with your bf. Bad How about spending some time alone, being totally single and not talking to any men at all. Just figure out who you are and what you want for and in your life. This will hopefully stop you from more bad choices. Why did your bf break up with you anyways? Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 I would feel sad for a short while I think, but I would probably get over it fairly soon. That's because I haven't really allowed myself to feel any deep feelings. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate his good qualities, I do see that he is a really good guy, and somehow I don't want to miss out on that. I think this comment is very telling. It looks as if you are using to him to ward off the pain of a broken relationship which isn't fair to him. You know you ought to let him go but when you do your are faced with your feelings, that are there waiting for you to process. Take some time for yourself. Grieve your relationship and heal. Learn to stand on your own and then you'll be better prepared to date and make better choices. I agree with a previous poster. You need to be honest about what's going on so he can make an informed choice. Withholding the information to keep him waiting isn't fair to him. He may very well wait some more. .But it ought to be his choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 I agree with all those things. Except that I wasn't really texting other guys the way you put it. It's quite a longer story than this even, but I don't want to get into that. I completely agree with the not giving myself enough time to heal part. I'm definitely not even trying to say that I acted correctly in anyway. My situation is quite unusual right now, since I am so far away from friends and my regular life. So everything becomes that much harder and more emotional. And in order to cope with stuff I just stifled everything and now it's running over. The reason he broke up with me is quite complicated and kind of private, but let's just say that we weren't compatible sexually. And this may also be the main reason I can't be intimate with anyone after him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Perhaps you just discovered the problem. What ever the issue was that broke up your last relationship may be haunting any future relationships. I would encourage you to start a new thread or simply bring up what broke you two up. No one here knows who you are or even where what country you live in so you are safe to discuss anything you want. That is what makes this place so helpful. I think you will find plenty of people here that have been through what you have been through. Keep posting, there are people that want to help but you have to open up a little. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Perhaps you just discovered the problem. What ever the issue was that broke up your last relationship may be haunting any future relationships. I would encourage you to start a new thread or simply bring up what broke you two up. No one here knows who you are or even where what country you live in so you are safe to discuss anything you want. That is what makes this place so helpful. I think you will find plenty of people here that have been through what you have been through. Keep posting, there are people that want to help but you have to open up a little. Lost That is good advice and helps clarify why this thread was created in this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.