My boyfriend is a mythical creature?

[amika98]

I just expressed concerns to my live in bf about this relationship, possibly attending counseling with me and asked him how he'd feel if I asked him to move out...there wasn't a single iota of concern from him. Like no "oh are you thinking we should break up? What's wrong?" Wouldn't this stop any normal person in their tracks??? I feel like he's a mythical creature of nonchalantness! Huh? Am I crazy?

[Person1001]

You are def not crazy, I am doubting my relationship because I just have a gut feeling that my SO isn't interested anymore. I have told him my concerns and he has done nothing about it and just called me crazy after I brought it up again (not about the same incidents). If someone really cares and the person is a normal well grounded human being then I feel like they should hear their partner out and see if they could fix the issue together. This is a good test for him begin withdrawing as I am doing. Good luck expect the worst, hope for the best.

[LC8328]

Something to consider: Not everyone expresses emotion the same way.

 

I thought this about my husband as well. Used to ask him why he never expressed things, then I realized, he does feel emotions very deeply. I had mistakenly thought that just because he doesn't express like I do, that he doesn't feel anything.

 

So, maybe in the back of your BF's mind he panicked, but he didn't want to show it for whatever reason. Or maybe that's him going into a sort of self-preservation mode.

 

Did you guys continue the conversation? Did he express any thoughts or feelings on the subject?

[amika98]

I didn't continue it because I was mentally shocked, I kept waiting and judging his face to see if maybe there was something underneath he was hiding...but I didn't see anything. No thoughts or feelings from him really, just went back to tv watching. I'm so confused...like blown away really, it's not like he's ever given me the idea he doesn't love me...but huh? I've seen hiding emotions before I think...but this is wild.

[Fudgie]

It sounds like you brought this up to him as a sort of "test", to see how he would react and you kept waiting for a reaction. As CML said, not everyone processes emotions in the same way. I'm actually a bit like your boyfriend. I can act very stoic when inside, I'm actually upset. But that's how I process things sometimes.

 

I would re-visit the conversation and see what he says.

[LC8328]

OK, so maybe later you could re-visit like Fudgie said. "Hey, remember earlier when I mentioned counseling or how you'd feel if I asked you to move out..? Well, I was just wondering what you think about this. Ever since I asked you I've been wondering how you feel about me, and us, so I thought I'd just ask you."

 

Not going to be an easy conversation, but he's gotta communicate with you and can't leave you hanging like this. Keep in mind some people have slow reaction time. There's probably a lot brewing in his mind right now.

 

Good luck though. Hope it works out.

[amika98]

So I talked to him some more, thank you for that advice, and we had a good chat about how his head works. He told me that no, he didn't have much for concerns but he confirmed to me that he did love me. It's just that he's very logical and pragmatic and he sees that if the relationship doesn't work out, he'd be sad for awhile and then get over it. Essentially "If you want to end it, then you want to end it." Certainly there's no romantic notions in that, but if his head is as void of emotion as I think it is, then I get it...and honestly I'm jealous, because I've been filled with an emotional hurricane for weeks about why things aren't working anymore...and that emotional hurricane has been awfully painful and draining the life out of me, I envy the way his mind works, a lot. lol

 

It's still a lot for me to process. I've been thinking lately that we need to break up, because I haven't felt loved and wanted enough...something very due to this exact issue of my hyper-emotional brain and his lack of emotionally run brain. I think I'm going to try to trust and have faith with him a little more to see how things go...adjust my attitude in accordance with my new info. But I feel better now that if it's still not enough in time and I still can't thrive with this type of male, it's okay for me to leave...he won't be heartbroken like I would be and well, I can manage myself and my own heartbreak a lot better without the guilt of hurting someone else.

[TMifune]

Drivenheart,

 

Please go to the therapist tomorrow. I don't know if this is your first visit, but build a relationsihp with him or her. It takes some time for a counselor to get to know you so they can advise you in your interest.

 

From where I sit all of this panic and anxiety is on you. And personally I think deliberately trying to emotionally upset your partner just to test if their reaction fist some idea you have of how he "should" respond if he "really loved you" is extremely manipulative.

 

If you decide to end the relationship, do it for the right reasons and you won't have to feel as guilty, but I don't think you can take his knowledge that he'll survive if you walk away from him as evidence that it won't hurt him if you do.

[LC8328]

OK, I think I understand. You and your BF sound like me and my husband sometimes. He's said something similar to me when I've expressed disappointment in an aspect of our relationship.

 

He responds with that if I am unhappy then I can just end our relationship. I don't like it when he says that because I know very well that I can end our relationship at any time, and I don't need HIS permission to end it, thank you very much. And I tell him this. I feel the same way, that he is so eager to end our relationship when he says that. But I'm learning that's not really the case; that's just how I am interpreting it. The way he sees it, what he wants is for me to be happy, so if what makes me happy is not him, then he'll go with it.

 

One of my good friends had a similar thing with a guy she went out with. He was perfect for her in every way except he didn't fight for her, meaning, when she was sad because she didn't want to live with him because she missed her family, he told her to go be with them. He wasn't mean about it, he just wanted her to be happy. Whereas she wanted him to be more selfish and say "No stay with me, I want you and love you."

 

I don't want to say 'men and women' because we are all different, but there are different personalities, some are the emotional type (like me, and I'm guessing like you), and the more reserved type (like your BF and my husband). They are still emotional, they just handle it differently than we do, and they express it differently.

 

So, I think I understand your side as well as his. You're the only person who can decide if his seemingly non-emotionality (that's probably not a word, sorry) is a dealbreaker for you or not. I personally think he does care for you, just in a different way than what you would prefer. I think your plan is a good one; just think about this for a while.

[amika98]

TMifune, I do appreciate your trying to really get to the heart of things. I'm not trying to be manipulative, I know that it could sound that way. What I was doing last night was trying to prepare him for the blow of my intention to break up with him tonight. I wanted to be sure that he knew I was having very serious issues, I wanted him to let me know if he'd consider coming into therapy with me (as I was still having doubts about leaving him and if all that pain is REALLY going to be worth it considering the good aspects of the relationship). I wanted to get a feel for how this would hurt him or if it would hurt him…I wanted him to realize things were seriously moving in the splitting direction and I didn't want it to feel like it was coming out of nowhere---because he was really acting like nothing was wrong after I talked to him on Saturday about my issues. To me, he didn't seem to be getting it…so I wanted to express more concern to be sure he really knew things were going downhill fast. To me, he seemed like nothing had changed and I was perfectly happy with everything and it made me think he wasn't getting it.

 

After CML prompted me to press him further though, I got to some sort of break through...I've spent the last 2.5 years acting like he is just like me, when my conversation with him last night has made me FINALLY realize, he is nothing like me. And I'm talking in regards to emotions and mental processing/thoughts. The way he's been behaving, has made me feel undesired because when I analyze it through MY mind, that's how I'd behave if I did NOT want someone. In HIS mind, this is how he behaves when he does want someone. He is EXCEEDINGLY laid back and non-emotional when compared to me. When I think his response should be great amount of great concern and panic (as that's what my response would be), his response in his head is more like "whatever"…he's not emotionally charged like I am. He said he loves me and would be sad if it ended, but there's just no wild concern and racing thoughts like what goes on in my mind.

 

I want to make it clear that I have NEVER dated a guy like this before. That's why the struggle is so difficult for me…I do NOT understand him at all. I told him last night, I want to study his mind so I can try to understand it. lol

 

So where I am now, after all of that last night is yes, I'll continue with therapy (had my first intake appt. today) but it's on me…it's all on me right now to see if I can have all of my needs met with someone so vastly different than me emotionally. I don't know if I can, I need to really think about what it is that I REALLY need to feel loved. Before things definitely would NOT have worked out if I kept trying to process things only through the way I see it. If I say, "Of course he's just like me, so of course a,b,c and d all mean I should leave." then yes, I'd leave. But if I can learn to understand him more and see things through his mind, I'd see that a,b,c, and d are not signs that he doesn't love me, they're signs that we're different and I should stay, but I need to figure out how to negotiate with what I need with what he can provide…and if he can't provide it and I truly need it, THEN it's time to break up. But now it's clear that I don't have that info yet and I need to do some more deep soul searching.

[mhowe]

This isn't about emotional vs non emotional, nor women vs men.

 

This is about people who are insecure, not only about themselves, but by extension, their relationship. And they are with partners who have self assurance and accept that a relationship does not define the. Yes, if it ends they will be sad, but their life will go on.

[amika98]

Well I suppose if I were more secure then I'd go delightfully skip my way into singleness again without a care.

[mhowe]

Being secure doesn't mean, as you have seen, that your boyfriend doesn't feel emotions. But that he sees, in the larger scheme of life, that whether or not you stay, go, get counseling is not going to be the end of his existence.

 

Your comments to him about "what if" are a minefield and truly shouldn't be answered. You don't test someone by saying "what if I left you". Hypothetical questions are nothing more than a manipulative trap and should be avoided.

[mhowe]

Well I suppose if I were more secure then I'd go delightfully skip my way into singleness again without a care.

Being single isn't something to avoid if you are unhappy IN a relationship.

[amika98]

I don't see it as being manipulative when I'm just trying to figure out how he thinks. How else can I understand how he'd feel if we broke up, if I don't ask him?

 

In fact, not asking him in depth questions about how his mind works, is how I got to this point to begin with. I just assumed his head worked like mine and I would've assumed, had I not asked, that he would be distraught, panicked about living situations and entirely heartbroken and confused, now that I did ask him, I see he's not like me and he'd be sad, but just isn't concerned like I am. And it's not like I never planned on breaking up with him…I had the whole thing planned out yesterday to take place tonight, but I lost steam and then new info was brought to light.

[mhowe]

No, how you got to this place was assuming that he was you.

 

It isn't necessary for you you to work out how someone will react to your actions. People will have multiple break ups in their lives...it is the nature of learning and growing. Is it painful, yes. Is it life altering for some, yes. Is it the end of the world....no.

If you break up with him, you are not doing it to hurt him. You are doing it because the relationship no longer works for you. If the break up hurts him, he will heal in time. If he simply accepts, as you do, that it wasn't working, then his life will continue as well.

[amika98]

mhowe, you seem like an experienced individual in relationships, do you think if a relationship has gone south after 2.5 years that you should end it or fix it? My prior thinking, based on neither my knowledge or experience mind you (because I don't have much), was that if you're unhappy in the relationship phase and not the marriage phase, you should just end it and keep looking. If you're married and happily so in the beginning but time has passed and problems have arisen, THEN counseling is a good option. I keep doing internet research and finding that no one supports the, "If it's broken and you're not engaged or married, don't fix it…find one that doesn't break that fast" idea rather than the…"work on it and make it better" campus of thought. Honestly, I'm frustrated that I can't find peace in breaking up because everything is telling me to keep working on it and fixing it. Is it really so much to ask that I find a relationship that doesn't need a therapist to work? Or am I delusional? I can't find peace with ending it when everyone keeps telling me to keep trying…how dead do I have to beat this horse before I just let go?

[Batya33]

I just expressed concerns to my live in bf about this relationship, possibly attending counseling with me and asked him how he'd feel if I asked him to move out...there wasn't a single iota of concern from him. Like no "oh are you thinking we should break up? What's wrong?" Wouldn't this stop any normal person in their tracks??? I feel like he's a mythical creature of nonchalantness! Huh? Am I crazy?

 

My first thought was he is calling your bluff because as Mhowe wrote you are trying to test how much he cares about you and he's not going to play that game with you.

I don't go for the blanket rule that counseling is only worth it if you're married. I have a friend who has been with her partner for 10 years, they live together and have a child -if she asked me if she should try counseling my answer would not have to do with their marital status. On the other hand I don't think counseling makes sense if the couple has only been together a few months dating. Then I think they should cut their losses.

[BigKK]

I'm not really sure what your issues are, so I don't know if counseling can help. The answer is maybe. Your original post came off as a test.

[mhowe]

I don't think there is any blanket rule. And as I never married because I never met a man who I could picture spending the rest of my life with(current beau excluded), and since marriage was never a goal...take my advise with that caveat:

 

Adults rarely change. What you see is what you get.

There are very few epiphanies in this world.

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life....not frustrate the crap out of you.

In any endeavor, if you can say you have given it your best...and it still isn't working....then likely you are not the root of the problem.

 

There is no shame in breaking up. Life is too short to try and fix someone else issues.

[amika98]

You're right, I shouldn't have strictly stated only married. If it's maybe 5 years or more, or if you have a child together or something large together, then I'd agree that counseling is okay. I mean, hard stuff happens in life, people change in life and I can understand if you're heavily invested for marriage, kids, a decade of time, I get it. All my boyfriend and I have done is live together. No kids, no vast challenges other than simply living together for a year and it's become clear that I have unmet needs, some he could maybe meet with change and some it's just not likely unless I really go after it like some sort of crazy motivated coach.

[TMifune]

The therapy I suggest is about getting yourself straightened out. It's not about "fixing" your relationship, it's about understanding yourself, what's fair to expect from someone else, what you can and can't live without, and maybe changing some of those things if they're not things you can realistically expect someone else to give you.

[BigKK]

Have you communicated to him your unmet needs or did you just drop the counseling and move out line out of the blue?

[amika98]

BigKK, it's been slightly communicated…not very well no on my part, because I'm still discovering my needs. Move out line out of the blue? I didn't think so, I was trying to see if he truly understood that I was feeling very bad things…"end it" type feelings about the relationship. I didn't want the break up to come out of nowhere, because to me it seemed like he didn't know I was having that grave of concerns. But to everyone here, I was manipulating him to try and see how he feels about me. How is that manipulation? I still don't get it. I didn't mean it as a trap, like "Bam you don't care, I'm out then." I meant it as a way to read his temperature/what he was thinking about…because he wasn't saying anything to me, he didn't have anything to say about my concerns. There was no, "well if it's not going to work out, I understand." and no "Oh hey, that'd super hurt, let's please discuss more." I got a wall of nothing, no talk, no words,…what do I do with that? If I don't ask questions, I get nothing.

[Batya33]

I meant it was indirect. Instead of saying "are you happy living with me" you were indirect with a hypothetical, forcing him to go through the process of "why is she asking this hypothetical question - is it out of idle curiosity, is she trying to get a rise out of me, does she actually want to know if I want to move out?". Your indirectness reflects an unwillingness to communicate straight up with him. Why go through the extra step -because it benefited you - because you wanted to "take his temperature" with a softball hypothetical rather than asking him what you really want to know the answer to. I wouldn't have blamed him if he said "how would I feel? it would depend if it was tomorrow, or once we had a child, or in the middle of the night -not sure how to answer so please tell me what you really want to know"