Do I deserve to hurt

[gul87]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with this person for 4.5 years the first time he broke up with me was earlier this year but he has since asked me back after I apologised many times.

 

However whilst we are 'back together' he breaks up with me at least once a week and each time I try to make plans together and ask what's he wants from the future he says of course he wants to be together. Even at one point we had a pregnancy worry and when it turned into nothing he said he actually wished I was.

 

In any case the reason I'm writing today is because we have seperates houses but if we hang out it is always at his. We hung out for a week and then on Tuesday night I raised some of my insecurities with him saying I don't feel a commitment from him, he no longer invites me out with his friends and I'm always scared I will do something wrong to upset him. That triggered a whole argument where he said I lost the right to ask for anything or to be able to voice my insecurities...because of what I had done to him. Then he told me to leave and get out as he always does. I asked for him to please not make this another argument and let's resolve it I didn't want to leave with tension and hurt. I usually always do leave when he asks but this time I resisted, without yelling or crying. Just asking to please do it a different way cause it's hurting us both, all this arguing. When i didn't however, he dragged me by the scarf around my neck picked up my bag and threw it out the door. He also threw my book at me and hit me accross the head with an umbrella. Then threatened to call the police because I abused him and wouldn't leave. I didn't touch him once other than ask to let's just hug and try to resolve it. I would go I just don't want there to be any animosity between us.

 

I read stories of abuse online and whilst all these things sound bad he has done I never have major marks on me only in a little pain for a day or so. He calls me all kinds of names and says I should kill myself. He doesn't try to control what i do or anything. And the names he calls he usually apologises for after and says his natural instinct is to love me and he doesn't mean any of it. But really my question is do I deserve it, if he says I have hurt him so much can I be so blind to my behaviour. Can I be that horrible a person. I have never been told that by anyone else or experienced this before. I want to just be happy and to make him happy. If I have hurt him then I kind of feel I deserve to hurt now and pay him back for my mistakes in the relationship. I never lie to him and want to be with no one else. I just don't know I'm not a stupid person I have a good education and job. Yet I feel so lost in all of this and am questioning what kind of person I am to have caused so much hurt and anger in someone I care so much about.

[appies]

you need to leave this toxic abusive relationship ASAP

[Hollyj]

Not only is this physical, but emotional abuse. He is a classic abuser. Look up the cycle of abuse.

 

Don't you see a problem with someone breaking up with you on a weekly basis? He is also punishing you and enjoying it. You have no voice in this relationship.

 

You need to seek help, immediately! There are so many huge problems with this dynamic, and you are incapable of seeing them.

 

Get out of this! He is an abusive bully!

[gul87]

Thank your Hollyj and Appies for your feedback, I feel that I am going crazy sometimes with the situation and everything that has happened. However, I think I am now at the point where I have to follow my gut instinct and not listen to anything he tells me, the good and the bad because at the end of the day he is only acting with his interests in mind. I know I love him and would never do anything to hurt him and could never bring myself to do what he does to me no matter how angry or hurt I am. I am willing to take responsibility for my mistakes and have tried my hardest to be better. I have been to months of counselling to heal my pains from the past, taken up yoga, been to a 2 week silent meditation retreat, read self-help books and taken on his feedback about how I do not handle things right. I don't need to be in a relationship I just want to love and care for this person in a healthy way and for them to do that for me but I don't think that will ever be a possibility given the circumstances.

 

Your suggestion to look up the cycle of abuse lead me to an author - Lundy Bancroft and reading the reviews on some of his books and what others have talked about in their situation is exactly what I find myself thinking to myself, almost word for word what I hear myself asking myself daily. I am not going crazy this is just what happens when you are in an abusive relationship. I have ordered one of his book so lets see... may be it will give me the strength to finally shut the door on this pain. I just wanted to share this, in case there is anyone else out there in my situation which needs a little help to make sense of what is going on...

[Hollyj]

Have someone with you, when you leave this guy. He is dangerous.

[kath]

You are not crazy, you are simply involved with someone who likes to play mind tricks and blame you for everything. After a while, being with someone like that does make you doubt your sanity! It becomes very difficult to tell what's real and what's not and you start believing that you deserve what you get. But you don't deserve it. Just like you said, "at the end of the day he is only acting with his interests in mind." That's exactly what's going on.

 

Now I don't know what sorts of mistakes you have made in the past and I don't need to know, unless you particularly feel like sharing. But we're all just human and make mistakes. You sound like you're sorry, you've tried to make amends for them and do your best to not repeat them again. All you're getting in return though is abuse and guilt-tripping and being treated horribly.

I would also like to point out that you might not have even actually made any mistakes! From my abusive relationship of 6 years, I remember how lots of times I was punished for "mistakes" that in hindsight were just perfectly normal wishes and actions. My boyfriend just decided that he didn't like them, because they were things that didn't fit into his total control, so he called them "mistakes" and punished me any way he wanted - by calling me names, by mocking me, by asking me to do something for him, by silent treatment and moping, by withholding his affection. And by making me apologize over and over again, begging him to forgive me. We're talking about "mistakes" such as meeting up with an old female friend, after he has forbid it because he didn't like her and had decided that she was bad influence on me. But even if what you did was a genuine mistake, it doesn't mean that you've lost the right to voice your insecurities or to ask for anything. That's torture, unfair treatment and emotional abuse. Even people who make mistakes are entitled to voice their opinions and insecurities and to ask for something!

 

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms. Lots of men argue that they can do whatever they want but it isn't abuse, since they're not hitting you. Throwing things at you, hitting you with an object and dragging you by your scarf is abusive too. It's a violation of your right not to be touched in a way you don't like. And you seem to be belittling what he does: "I never have major marks on me only in a little pain for a day or so." Just because you've not been near death or have bruises all over your body, doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is abusive to cause someone to be "in a little pain for a day or so"! It is abusive to cause even just minor marks. This is all very, very wrong and you don't need to take it. You don't deserve this. Also, men like that usually escalate. You could soon be facing major marks and major pain.

 

Just because there is no control involved doesn't mean he's not abusive. He is certainly emotionally and verbally abusive. "He calls me all kinds of names and says I should kill myself." This is not what a loving partner says! This is also very, very wrong!

 

I'm glad you've read Lundy Bancroft. Reading his book helped me so much, it helped make sense of what was happening and opened my eyes. I discovered so many things that I was being subjected to that I didn't even think was abuse.

 

Is there anyone in your life who can help you, support you emotionally to leave this man and live the safe, healthy life you deserve, free of pain and emotional abuse? Family, friends, community members, colleagues?

 

Are you still in therapy now? If you are, then I would suggest taking it up with your therapist.

 

Calling or visiting a local DV centre would also be a very good thing.

 

Keep posting, we're here to help you!

[Hollyj]

You know that this is not right. It certainly is not love on either side.

 

How many more books do you need to read, to leave? Have you visited a group that gives abuse support?

[gul87]

Hi Kath, no there isn't anyone I have told about what was going on. My family live accross the other side of the world and I don't want to worry them so I have stopped telling them anything that is going on. They of course wish I would just come home but I work obligations here that I have committed to and I feel I don't want to go back home after being away for over 4 years in an unhealthy state. I have only one friend who I said something to after a few drinks and I felt so embarrassed after I never mentioned it again. I have stopped going to therapy because I intially went to her because I was diagnosed with depression and didn't like the idea of the medication so it did help me to work through things a little. I started to tell her what was going on and she was the first to identify some of his behaviours as being abusive. But I didn't quite realise the extent of it and stopped seeing her because I didn't feel the best connection to her.

 

I am the first to admit that I have not done everything the right way and I wish I had more experience in relationships when I met him and had a more mature way of dealing with my problems. I have previously posted about some of my mistakes from what he tells me they are. He always accuses me of looking and being interested in other guys. Which I whole heartily am not, there are some cases where I have may have looked at a guy when he pointed it out but it is not because I was interested it was because they were dressed weird or something a long those lines. I had heard him tell me this so many times that I sort of resided to the fact that that may be it is a habit, I read about it online and it seems to come down to the fact that I have low self-esteem and just crave the attention and that I am unaware of it, which goes against all I feel I would much rather blend into the background then stand out. I just accepted it and would apologise and try my hardest to never look at any man. I did ask one of my friends if I seem like that sort of person and she said not in the slightest. So I just don't get that bit, but when I am told so adamantly it is something I do there must be some element of truth to it. The other mistake is that in the beginning of our relationship I did cry and yell when I was upset. Which I see was completely wrong and I have changed this habit, I was 22 when I met this man. Little experience in how to deal with conflict and it was something I had picked up from my mum and it is not something I ever want to exhibit.

 

I am looking at joining a group because I know within myself, whilst I can see things are not right my love for him is still so strong and I would by lying if I said I didn't hope things would change for the better, because things aren't always bad just when they are bad, they are really bad. I don't know what it will take for me to just give up on the relationship and walk away. I feel week in this sense and that is largely why I don't want to tell anyone what is going on because they don't need my drama in their life especially when I am putting myself in this circumstance.

[kath]

Your post reminds me so much of what I felt like 5 years ago. Feel free to find my thread and read it, if you want. I was 21 when I met my boyfriend and it was my first serious relationship. I felt like I didn't always know what to do and what was right or wrong and he abused that fact all the time, by making me believe like I was making mistakes or not treating him right.

I remember the guilt and the fear, I remember how I wanted to keep it a secret, not to trouble anyone. I was ashamed. I didn't want to be a burden on my family or friends. But it's very difficult to do this without support. I understand you don't want to move back home because of work. In that case you just need to find people who'll support you where you currently are.

 

Joining a group is a good start! If you can, I'd also recommend finding another therapist. Sometimes people just don't connect or click, that's normal. But there are many therapists out there who you'd probably connect with much better. Most of all I'd recommend finding the nearest centre for DV victims, visiting or calling them and asking for help. You can just call at first and talk about your relationship. They will understand, because they deal with people like you all the time. They won't blame you or demand that you leave straight away.

 

Him accusing you of looking at other men - this is simply not true! It's ridiculous to point someone (who happens to be male) out to you and then accuse you of looking at them. It is also ridiculous to expect you never to even look in the direction of a man. You'd have to be blind to be able to pull that off. Half the people on this planet are men! He's being totally crazy with this and setting you up to fail.

You yourself say that you don't check men out and it goes against everything that you feel. Your friend also tells you that you're not the sort of person who would look at other men or cheat. Trust your heart and your gut-feeling! You've been faithful, you're not interested in other men, you don't check them out. THAT is the truth! Your boyfriend is accusing you in order to make you feel guilty, to make you confused and question your own instincts. He's been brainwashing you for so long that you're beginning to believe the crap he's feeding you, over your own gut-feeling and over what you know in your heart to be true. It makes me angry to even think about just how much damage he has done to your well-being.

I would generally agree with you that in most cases, if someone is telling you something adamantly, there must be some truth to it. BUT not in this case. I've been in a relationship like that and I can assure you that you're being fed lies and deception. In an abusive, controlling relationship, your partner telling you something adamantly sometimes means nothing. Sometimes it just means he has an agenda, he's trying to confuse you and make you feel like you don't know what's real any more. You know it in your heart - there is no truth to it. Your friend tells you there's no truth to it. The only person telling you otherwise is the man you can't trust, the man who just keeps on blaming you for everything and accusing you of completely ridiculous things!

 

Yes, yelling when upset is probably not the best way to deal with conflicts. But you said it yourself, you were young and you've changed how you handle things. Just how long do you think you deserve to be punished for this?

 

Almost every woman in an abusive relationship says that there are good times and they still feel like the love the man. It is such a common thing to say. It is normal to feel that way. Of course there have been good times. If things were universally always bad, you would have left ages ago. The promise and memory of good times is what keeps women hooked in destructive, horrible relationships. That's what the men count on, and when things are bad, they remind their partners about all the good times or promise that they will return. But just because he has some good qualities, doesn't mean he should be justified to cause you physical harm, manipulate you, abuse you emotionally. This is all doing damage to you and is likely to only just escalate. There is no hope of a better future where he just stops hurting you. We all want to believe things will change and get better and we want to give second chances. But in some situations, it will not happen.

 

You are not the cause here, he is. He is doing this to you. You can decide to walk away from the drama. He's destroying your soul and your self-esteem until there is nothing left. It is not easy to leave and stay away, I know it from experience. It takes strength and courage, but if you stay with him, this torture and abuse will continue indefinitely and will likely get worse.

[GildedCage]

He is extremely manipulative from what I'm reading. You have your own place; you aren't dependent on him for anything are you? My advice to you is to Let Go. He isn't going to change. The physical bruising will fade but the emotional and mental abuse he is dishing out will last a life time if you don't get out now.