Should I Tell Him I'm Emotionally Attached?

[HappySeeker]

I'm going to try my hardest to keep this somewhat short.

 

A few months ago I started chatting with a guy that I met on an online forum. We got pretty close rather quickly and things just took off. I've been very upfront and honest with him concerning how I felt about him and that he meant a lot to me. He made me feel very safe with my honesty so I let my guard down and opened up to him. Opening up to him definitely led to me becoming emotionally attached to him, even though that wasn't my intention. Recently, he has become pretty distant (my feeling) and it leaves me feeling like I'm being ignored or avoided.

 

This distance has now happened twice. The first time it happened is when he came back from a business trip and I didn't hear from him for about a week. I wrote him and he apologized saying that a lot of stuff was going on and that he wasn't trying to ignore me, but that he would put in more effort to stay in touch. He did, and I was able to find out what was going on with him. He told me that he was going to be pretty busy for the next few months with work and such, but how he wished he would be able to make it out to were I am. Now I'm not sure if he meant that because he wanted to visit where he used to live, or if he wanted to see me, or a combination of both. I wrote him back saying how much I would have like that and that maybe I could plan a trip out his way because I didn't want to wait so long to meet him. I said a lot more to him, but in an effort to keep some level of anonymity I will leave it out. I didn't hear back from him at all since that message. He would go online and post comments to people, but he'd never answer me back. I figured I would just leave him alone because maybe he needed a little space with his stress and work, but after days and days went by I got angry and contacted him. I basically made a comment along the lines of him possibly keeping something from me or if there was something that I should know. He replied that he was confused, which was understandable because it was pretty vague. I wrote him again saying that it was odd to not hear from him and yet see that he was online from time to time. He has not replied to that message yet, and I wonder if he will.

 

At this point I don't know what to do. Part of me says screw it and move forward and part of me feels like I need to be open and honest one last time and tell him how I feel and about this emotional attached I've developed. I doubt it will change anything, but I do know that I will feel better having shared my thoughts. I must say that I feel completely lost right now. I miss him terribly, and so much that it feels like my heart is literally hurting. I wish that things hadn't progressed to this point, but there's not much I can do now. It hurts to have someone who always contacted you now barely contact you. Any advice on what to do?

 

**I should add some background info. We have a huge age difference, over 20 years with him being older. We come from two completely backgrounds and lifestyles, but we have found a common ground to base a friendship off of. Since we are so different, we have talked about friendship only, but I told him that I felt more for him than just a friendly feeling. He has let me know that he likes me as well. He travels for work and upon his arrival home has a lot of catching up to do so he can be somewhat distant at times, but he would always come back around in 1-2 days.

I have a difficult time letting people in and trusting them. I feel like sharing what's going on with me is a burden to others and I therefore keep things to myself. He is one of the only people who made me feel as if it were okay to feel the way I felt, and that it was okay to share my thoughts and feelings without any judgment. I grew up with a narcissistic father and the last relationship I was in with a narcissist as well. I've been emotionally hurt more times than I count. I'm also going through a lot of personal issues right now and I am falling into a slight depression. I can honestly say that he is the only person that I want to talk to most days, so it kills me that we grown apart.**

[SpottiOtti]

When he didn't call you for a week . . . Look, if someone likes you and is into you, nothing is going to stop them from contacting you. They will make you a priority. Full stop, no excuses.

 

He told me that he was going to be pretty busy for the next few months with work and such, but how he wished he would be able to make it out to were I am.

I wrote him back saying how much I would have like that and that maybe I could plan a trip out his way because I didn't want to wait so long to meet him . . . I didn't hear back from him at all since that message.

 

This is how I read it: The first sentence was him brushing you off politely. When you upped the ante by offering to come to him, he stopped responding to you.

 

I'm not sure how long-distance you are, but it seems fairly obvious to me as an outsider that he doesn't see this going anywhere and is treating it accordingly. If you reached out again and confessed more feelings, made yourself more vulnerable, he likely wouldn't respond, or would tell you more polite nothings, or would tell you what I just said.

 

It seems like you saw this as a genuine connection, and I know that it hurts to open up to someone and then have them ghost on you. But all the signs in your post point to him not feeling the same way. I'm sorry . . . Are you seeing anyone for your issues and depression? I hope you feel better soon.

[shellyf62]

It sounds like he is married & has other commitments.

You were probably a very nice distraction, but once you started mentioning feelings he has started to back away.

I wouldnt contact him again.

[HappySeeker]

When he didn't call you for a week . . . Look, if someone likes you and is into you, nothing is going to stop them from contacting you. They will make you a priority. Full stop, no excuses.

 

He told me that he was going to be pretty busy for the next few months with work and such, but how he wished he would be able to make it out to were I am.

I wrote him back saying how much I would have like that and that maybe I could plan a trip out his way because I didn't want to wait so long to meet him . . . I didn't hear back from him at all since that message.

 

This is how I read it: The first sentence was him brushing you off politely. When you upped the ante by offering to come to him, he stopped responding to you.

 

I'm not sure how long-distance you are, but it seems fairly obvious to me as an outsider that he doesn't see this going anywhere and is treating it accordingly. If you reached out again and confessed more feelings, made yourself more vulnerable, he likely wouldn't respond, or would tell you more polite nothings, or would tell you what I just said.

 

It seems like you saw this as a genuine connection, and I know that it hurts to open up to someone and then have them ghost on you. But all the signs in your post point to him not feeling the same way. I'm sorry . . . Are you seeing anyone for your issues and depression? I hope you feel better soon.

 

I agree with you on the calling. You're right. I know that I would never do that if I were truly interested in someone.

 

Regarding him being busy the next few months, well, I do believe him. No excuses, but he is a salesman and he doesn't travel during the winter. He told me that he has a lot of work to get done before winter hits, and that making his way out here just isn't possible right now since work is in the complete opposite direction. Still, when I mentioned going out there, he could have said something, anything at all. The first time I mentioned it, he was open arms. Now, not so much.

 

It hurts immensely for him to act like this towards me. I know it sounds silly, but it just hurts me to my core. I just don't understand how one can act like that all of a sudden. You are right that I've said enough. I think I'm going to take a long break from that forum because seeing his name pop up on posts will crush me.

 

I actually decided today that I need to go back to counseling. I miss having someone to really talk to and I plan on making a phone call tomorrow for help with finding a therapist. I thank you for your advice and for not being harsh.

[HappySeeker]

It sounds like he is married & has other commitments.

You were probably a very nice distraction, but once you started mentioning feelings he has started to back away.

I wouldnt contact him again.

 

I agree with you on the commitments, and that I may have been a nice distraction. As far as feelings went, I have always been upfront with him with how I felt. It was never a secret, and he never ran away. It wasn't until recently that he's been distant and not talking to me.

[reinventmyself]

We can speculate all we want but basically he told you he would be busy and unavailable. That's the only thing you should focus on.

Trying to read between the lines and figure out a way to breath life into this isn't a good idea.

I'm sorry your hurting and lonely.

I think it's a good time for counseling. One, to help you thru this and secondly to help you with some issues that could lend you to be vulnerable to these type of situations.

Hang in there!

[HappySeeker]

We can speculate all we want but basically he told you he would be busy and unavailable. That's the only thing you should focus on.

Trying to read between the lines and figure out a way to breath life into this isn't a good idea.

I'm sorry your hurting and lonely.

I think it's a good time for counseling. One, to help you thru this and secondly to help you with some issues that could lend you to be vulnerable to these type of situations.

Hang in there!

 

Thank you for the advice and your sympathy on my state of mind.

 

Writing how I feel here and hearing others tell me that it is best to walk away really does help. I think that I just need the push and assurance that I'm doing the right thing. I must admit that sometimes I feel like such as idiot for allowing this to affect me so much. I know that I need some counseling, as soon as possible. I cannot keep going with my emotions so all over the place.

[HappySeeker]

I spoke with someone today who told me that his disappearance is his problem, not mine. I swear that hearing that changed how I felt drastically. I usually take people's reactions, or lack of one, and somehow make it out to be something that I must have done or said. That one statement really made me stop and think that just because they're acting one way or another doesn't mean that it has anything to do with me.

 

While I will still miss him, maybe terribly most days, I need to keep that in mind. Whatever is going on with him is not my problem to fix, but instead his. Whether he comes back around or not, I need to work on me and my feelings.