regretgirl Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I am hoping for some wise opinions about what I should do in this situation. My ex broke up with me about 8 weeks ago and I completely understand his point of view. I became depressed during the last few months of our relationship and I treated him in a way he did not deserve. We would still have our good moments, but I would become agitated easily and wrongly take it out on him which resulted in many petty arguments and criticisms. I literally cringe at some of the things I've said to him and obviously have a ton of regrets. He is a very sweet and understanding guy and the "punishments" I gave him simply did not fit the crime. I've started attending therapy to get a hold on my issues and improve my coping methods. Along the way, I've realized my reactions towards my ex had a basis in my childhood. My father is a very invalidating, dismissive, verbally abusive and controlling man and has treated me that way my whole life. My depression brought out a side of me I hated... A side of me that is just like my dad. I know how much I dislike being in my father's presence so the idea that my ex felt that way around me makes me want to throw up. I never want to behave that way again and this has been such an eye-opening experience for me. Since the split, I've been thinking about my role in the breakup a lot and I am remorseful for the treatment he received towards the end. It hurts me to know that I've hurt him. This is not something I'm saying out of desperation or because I just want to be in his good books. I genuinely feel bad about it and have spent many nights reflecting on it. I've been thinking about sending him an email with a sincere apology owning up to my mistakes. When he first broke up with me, I gave him a short apology along the lines of "I'm sorry for any times I've hurt you. It was wrong of me to communicate in that way." but that's literally it. Lately I've been considering whether I should send him a more detailed, heart-felt apology because in my mind he deserves it. He made it very clear when he left that he still has feelings for me and would like to be friends so I know he doesn't hate me or anything. (I nicely declined the friendship because I couldn't have that type of relationship with him just yet.) Do you think it would be a good idea for me to send him an email? Should I wait to see if he contacts me first and then do it? We haven't spoken since the break up so I literally don't know how he would feel about it but I'm guessing he would appreciate it or be neutral. I would obviously like to reconcile because we fit really well and he is a lovely guy, but I understand if he doesn't want to, therefore I would make no mention of it in the letter. Please give me your thoughts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blanco Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I don't think there's anything wrong with offering an apology IF you have no other motives (i.e. getting your ex back). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 You have already apologized once, I think thats enough. Anymore would come accross as wanting more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 If he wants to try again, he knows where to find you, otherwise he'll see right through this. Start making this about "you" and strive to move forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movingforward3 Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Nothing wrong with the apology. Good closure. Just don't expect anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottieflanogon Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 No, just leave her alone. If he initiates contact with you and you are in the right place to talk to her (you aren't) then you can apologize then. Other than that move forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 I would obviously like to reconcile because we fit really well and he is a lovely guy, but I understand if he doesn't want to, therefore I would make no mention of it in the letter. Nope --- don't send it. Your ulterior motive is shining through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regretgirl Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 Nope --- don't send it. Your ulterior motive is shining through. Haha interesting assumption. Yes I do still care about him, but that does not mean I am not genuinely sorry for my actions... It's not like I'm sitting here rubbing my hands together and grinning while I scheme up ways to get him back. In fact, I've completely left him alone since the breakup and plan on doing so after I send the email (if I do send it). It just bothers me that our relationship ended without me giving him a proper apology which he DOES deserve. I think that's the problem with a lot of people on this site. They think people cannot change and every action they do is somehow manipulating their way back into their exes life. There is such thing as taking personal ownership and wanting to do the right thing. I have been in therapy consistently and been focusing on myself 100%, it just doesn't settle right with me the way I treated him. Whether or not he wants to reconsider is irrelevant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 You have already apologized. Sending a detailed apology letter does nothing for him. It's all about you and you trying to open a dialogue. It's good that you've completely left him alone since the break up ---- since that is why people break up! Lol. You have not "changed". This is still all about you and how you feel. The problem with some posters is that they want people to believe the BS that they are feeding themselves, and we can see through it. Because it happens all the time. HE deserves to be left alone. Why don't you consider that. It's been a little over a month and neither of us have initiated contact. He removed our relationship status, deleted some photos of us, added new girls and seems to be getting on just merrily based on his social media. It kills me that he seems so fine without me in his life but I guess it must be a relief From your other thread ----- he doesn't need a reminder of all that you said and did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regretgirl Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 Sending a detailed apology letter does nothing for him. It's all about you and you trying to open a dialogue. It's good that you've completely left him alone since the break up ---- since that is why people break up! Lol. You have not "changed". This is still all about you and how you feel. The problem with some posters is that they want people to believe the BS that they are feeding themselves, and we can see through it. Because it happens all the time. HE deserves to be left alone. Why don't you consider that. You seem very bitter but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, since I am a complete stranger to you, I would appreciate if you stop acting as if you personally have insight about me and my intentions. As I said before, giving him an apology is not about starting a dialogue or anything else other than giving him an apology. It's really that simple. No more and no less than showing him my sincere remorse and then letting him go - something I think he would appreciate. If I thought he would find it meaningless or it would affect him negatively, I wouldn't even be considering it right now. I agree with him that I need this time alone to continue improving. One thing you are right about is that I haven't "changed"... It's impossible to flip a switch and completely morph into a new person. What I can say though, is that I take responsibility for my actions, have made improvements and am committed to fixing my issues... Something a lot of people do not see the need to do. I take therapy seriously. So while you're right that I haven't changed (past tense), I'm still IN the process of changing and growing into a better version of myself. I can't wait to see what else I can accomplish further down the road. I asked for opinions and your answer is no. Thanks for the vote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justaperson569 Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 You seem very bitter but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, since I am a complete stranger to you, I would appreciate if you stop acting as if you personally have insight about me and my intentions. As I said before, giving him an apology is not about starting a dialogue or anything else other than giving him an apology. It's really that simple. No more and no less than showing him my sincere remorse and then letting him go - something I think he would appreciate. If I thought he would find it meaningless or it would affect him negatively, I wouldn't even be considering it right now. I agree with him that I need this time alone to continue improving. One thing you are right about is that I haven't "changed"... It's impossible to flip a switch and completely morph into a new person. What I can say though, is that I take responsibility for my actions, have made improvements and am committed to fixing my issues... Something a lot of people do not see the need to do. I take therapy seriously. So while you're right that I haven't changed (past tense), I'm still IN the process of changing and growing into a better version of myself. I can't wait to see what else I can accomplish further down the road. I asked for opinions and your answer is no. Thanks for the vote. Did you ever send him the e-mail? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley828 Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 I would search your heart before you send this. If you really, really can say that you will be just fine with any outcome, then I don't think there is harm in sending this. How do you think you would feel if you send it and he doesn't respond, or worse, responds in a negative way? If that is going to upset you, then I would wait. There's no time limitation on apologies. An apology in another month can be just as sincere, with the caveat that it gives you guys more time to heal. I'm sure a lot of the bad things are still close to the surface for him and it might be hard for him. I acted like a crazy person after breaking up with one old ex and I still cringe when I think about it, but over time I have learned to forgive myself. And I learned a lot about myself as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cope Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 I was ready to answer too Ashley, then i noticed the date! Now i am curious too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naviberry Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 'I that's the problem with a lot of people on this site. They think people cannot change and every action they do is somehow manipulating their way back into their exes life. There is such thing as taking personal ownership and wanting to do the right thing. I have been in therapy consistently and been focusing on myself 100%, it just doesn't settle right with me the way I treated him. Whether or not he wants to reconsider is irrelevant.' THIS. Spot on girl, I couldn't agree with you more! I recently had 'closure' at my own request with a guy I dated for a few months, we were really into each other but for some reason things went south and felt really weird.. none of us really understood why.. it was just one of those things I guess but we were very close and families got heavily involved etc while we were dating.. we all thought this would be a long term thing. Anyway, things ended but I couldn't really let it go and wanted us to be friends! I saw myself initiating conversation more and more often as time went on and if made me really sad, I wanted him to stay in my life somehow.. he kept saying he didn't want anyone to get hurt but I didn't see his point. Even after we ended things I still went to his place a few times. I asked for this closure (about a month later) as a way to end things properly and it did not go the way I wanted it to.. I hoped we could clear things up and move forward but it ended up with him saying he doesn't feel comfortable around me any more and asked me to leave his flat.. it was getting late and I had already told parents that I was staying over so I asked if I could just crash on the sofa and I wouldn't get in his way but he wasn't having any of it, so now my heart is broken properly and I feel like a bit of an idiot. I won't pretend, I want things to go back to how they were when we actually got on and he really liked me being around him.. but I guess those days are gone! Anyway I behaved quite badly with him and got into quite a strop.. got home and felt awful about doing that because thinking about it he wasn't being pushy or mean. I was actually being quite negative and felt so hurt by the situation that I became a moody cow! I hate that I wasn't being my normal bubbly self and didn't focus on the positives from when we were dating. I messaged him today saying I'm sorry for the way I acted.. he told me not to be sorry, but I'm in literal mourning lol and I feel like such a fool! It'll take me a while to move past this I know, and I will I'm sure as he said to me and I said to him. We know where we stand and we know there's no future there but I think we could have been good friends. We don't agree on a lot of stuff but we're still okay with being around each other, so nothing weird or jagged there I guess. Anyone have any helpful suggestions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 You have already apologized. Sending a detailed apology letter does nothing for him. It's all about you and you trying to open a dialogue. It's good that you've completely left him alone since the break up ---- since that is why people break up! Lol. You have not "changed". This is still all about you and how you feel. The problem with some posters is that they want people to believe the BS that they are feeding themselves, and we can see through it. Because it happens all the time. HE deserves to be left alone. Why don't you consider that. It's been a little over a month and neither of us have initiated contact. He removed our relationship status, deleted some photos of us, added new girls and seems to be getting on just merrily based on his social media. It kills me that he seems so fine without me in his life but I guess it must be a relief From your other thread ----- he doesn't need a reminder of all that you said and did. Excellent, excellent post. Truer words have yet to be spoken. ETA - oh crap his is an old post disregard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 'I that's the problem with a lot of people on this site. They think people cannot change and every action they do is somehow manipulating their way back into their exes life. There is such thing as taking personal ownership and wanting to do the right thing. I have been in therapy consistently and been focusing on myself 100%, it just doesn't settle right with me the way I treated him. Whether or not he wants to reconsider is irrelevant.' THIS. Spot on girl, I couldn't agree with you more! I recently had 'closure' at my own request with a guy I dated for a few months, we were really into each other but for some reason things went south and felt really weird.. none of us really understood why.. it was just one of those things I guess but we were very close and families got heavily involved etc while we were dating.. we all thought this would be a long term thing. Anyway, things ended but I couldn't really let it go and wanted us to be friends! I saw myself initiating conversation more and more often as time went on and if made me really sad, I wanted him to stay in my life somehow.. he kept saying he didn't want anyone to get hurt but I didn't see his point. Even after we ended things I still went to his place a few times. I asked for this closure (about a month later) as a way to end things properly and it did not go the way I wanted it to.. I hoped we could clear things up and move forward but it ended up with him saying he doesn't feel comfortable around me any more and asked me to leave his flat.. it was getting late and I had already told parents that I was staying over so I asked if I could just crash on the sofa and I wouldn't get in his way but he wasn't having any of it, so now my heart is broken properly and I feel like a bit of an idiot. I won't pretend, I want things to go back to how they were when we actually got on and he really liked me being around him.. but I guess those days are gone! Anyway I behaved quite badly with him and got into quite a strop.. got home and felt awful about doing that because thinking about it he wasn't being pushy or mean. I was actually being quite negative and felt so hurt by the situation that I became a moody cow! I hate that I wasn't being my normal bubbly self and didn't focus on the positives from when we were dating. I messaged him today saying I'm sorry for the way I acted.. he told me not to be sorry, but I'm in literal mourning lol and I feel like such a fool! It'll take me a while to move past this I know, and I will I'm sure as he said to me and I said to him. We know where we stand and we know there's no future there but I think we could have been good friends. We don't agree on a lot of stuff but we're still okay with being around each other, so nothing weird or jagged there I guess. Anyone have any helpful suggestions? Not after you quoted a poster saying responders are wrong! Kidding! Distance. Distance is going to be your best friend right now. Distance will clear the fog and your intentions will be more clear. Just like the OPer your intentions have ulterior motives at this point. Any time anyone insists on remaining friends with an ex while still recovering from heartbreak it's an excuse to keep them around. Heal first, if he was always an important part of your life outside of the relationship that friendship will still be there after you've healed and then and only then will it be an option. But for now, distance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineyboot Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 This is difficult, something I struggle with. I've said and done things I'm not proud of due to underlying issue as you touch on. I think the first thing to forgive ourselves. It isn't good to be full of regret. If you were suffering mental health, you were doing the best you could at the time. I think this is something we all have to say to ourselves and realise of others. Don't beat yourself. Give ourself the healing you deserve. The problems with apologies is that sometimes they fall on deaf ears and it makes us feel worse. Time is the best healer. I tried an apology and got a lot of abuse back - they weren't ready to hear it. I had to accept that time is needed. Then there are those that WILL NEVER understand however hard you try to explain. It is hard if you are a person who struggles with regret. This could also have roots in childhood - being made to feel guilty and being made to feel like it is your job to fix things and make things okay. There are often no neat endings, that is life. Do you really need your apology accepted to heal and move on with your life? No. I relate to your struggle. I sent a long apology once and then blocked the person because I thought they wouldn't like it and I'd get a horrible reply for getting in touch. I can't think of a time when someone has ever responded with 'thank you for the apology, it means a great deal'. Which is all you want. Then I realised I don't need their forgiveness I just have to forgive myself and learn from it. Don't be full of regret. Don't let regret steal your joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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