My depressed girlfriend broke up with me (but not really)

[DonDingo]

So it's a long story between me and my now ex-gf.

 

I know her since we are classmates (7th grade), and not too long after knowing each other, we became really great friends. One month before starting 8th grade she asked me out. We dated almost 2 months back then ( this was fall of 2011), but we were still kiddos so it didn't really work out. I dnidn't know how to handle a relationship, because it was my first one ever. I really made her angry, because she thought i liked her best friend more than her. Which wasn't true at all. Anyways she broke up with me, and she was really upset, but these two months I really fell in love with her, so it hurt like hell. And I spent the next 4 years miserably. I was just watching her, didn't really have the courage to go up to her, and in the mean time she had many boyfriends, even a pretty serious one. For long, the only way I could communicate with her was in English class (the teacher always created pairs depending on where we sat (not the one next to you) and I always sat in the place where we would be chosen to be together). And I always enjoyed the company.

 

But we weren't really friends anymore. Until the end of 10th grade. Then, she wrote me on my bday, asking about me, how things are going, really wanting to be my friend again. And that was the moment I felt like I'm in heaven. But we did not talk much until this February. But since February we talked. A lot. We talk every day, for hours and hours (on social media, because she lives an hour away from here), and have a great time. She always said she felt carefree when we talked. Which was great, because she had family problems for a long while, which reached its summit last year, right before christmas. And because of that, she started showing the symptoms of depression.

 

Things got worse this summer. Mainly at home, combined with the fact that we couldn't meet as much as before. And her depression got really bad. Sometimes even I couldn't make her smile. And almost two weeks ago, the end-game started. One night, she had a bad night. She sometimes had these nights. She cried, she felt worthless, weak, couldn't get out of her bed, and so on. But this one was a little bit different. It was worse than ever. She said things like "I don't deserve to live", "I brought this on myself", "My family is never gonna be the same and it's my fault", and also, which was the worst "I don't deserve you, I ruin you, you deserve better". This stunned me. Next day we talked a little (face to face), but not enough. This was when she actually told me she has depression. But actually I already knew that. And two weeks ago, on that hellish Thursday, we talked again. She said she can't love me, like she would like to. She said, she is just ruining me. She said it isn't a good relationship, where I have to sacrifice a lot for her happiness. This was the first time in 8 years I cried. And boy, I cried a lot. I begged her, not to say it's over. I tried to convince her to stay, because I would be broken without her. She then said she needs time. She said she doesn't want to create false hope, but this still could work, but not while she is depressed. BUT she wants to stay friends. She said she couldn't bear if we didn't talk as much as before. I said of course, why not. Better than cutting every string. But after this very conversation, we had one of the best afternoon together. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, and, what confused me the most, kissed a lot. We were acting like two-three months ago. Carefree, happy, in love. But the next day in school, she started acting like what we agreed on. Now, I was confused as much as a man could be. And you know what's worse? It became even more confusing. That weekend we talked on Facebook a lot, like we used to. Joking, laughing, even sending pictures of ourselves to each other (this was a habit of ours, because we couldn't meet face to face that much). She also said that the Friday was also confusing to her, and she wanted to talk to me too, but didn't know what to do. So I asked her if we could talk face to face again. She said Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday aren't good for her, and on Thursday we went on a class trip to Prague. She said she wants to break free of her problems there. So I thought I shouldn't bring things up there. But the first night, I got really drunk, and tried to act like we are together all night, but she always said to me to leave her alone. For the change, the next day SHE got really drunk. But we weren't drinking together, she went with a band of other classmates. But then I talked on the phone with one of the guys with her, and he asked for my help. They couldn't handle her, she had a breakdown. Cried, talked, couldn't go forward anymore, sat down. And I ran. I ran to find them. I luckily did, and I could calm her down. The team have left until then, and went to sleep. I helped her get to her room in the hotel, with her best friend. But then she stopped in front of the door. She asked her friend to go into the room, she is coming right away. Her friend went in, and in that very moment she kissed me. She kissed me passionately, and didn't want to go in. We were there for like a quarter of an hour, kissing. Between kisses I tried to convince her to go to sleep, before she does something she would later regret. But after we finished kissing, she fell asleep immediately. Right there, on the corridor. I brought her to her bed in my hands, made sure she is sleeping, and sleeping comfortably. Then I told her girlfriend, that if she wakes up, and there's a problem ,call me. Then I went right to my bed, and slept. The next day we came home from Prague, and I asked her if we could meet. She said yes, so we met.

 

We talked about the week. What happened, and how should we proceed. She said she still wants to talk to me every day, but I have to "fall out of love". I said, that I can't do that. The latter, I mean. And that I also want to talk to her every day. But we came to an agreement. We wouldn't talk to each other for a couple of days to see if we can do that. (It's the firdt day now, and it's really hard, for me at least) But at the end of the conversation, guess what? We kissed passionately, we joked, we laughed, we talked. Just like before. And now, I don't know what to do. I really don't. I think she still oves me, she just oppresses her feelings, because she doesn't want to cause pain for me with her depression.

[dreamyjane]

Is your girlfriend visiting clinical psychologist? You know, without medicine it would be really hard to beat depression. She is really sick and depression is a serious medical illness. I know people who suffer from depression and without medicine they can´t heal properly.

I´m really sorry for your situation. It is really hard when you love someone and you can´t help your loved one. I know this feeling and it sucks so much...

Maybe you should talk about this things with here. You can help her to find clinical psychologist. You can tell her, that if she can find help, she will feel better and she will be happy again. But it is really long process.

I think you are strong enough to be with her, but from my experience I know, that it is really hard to be friend with someone you love. You have loved her so many years...and you still love her. But talk with her about finding clinical psychologist. Trust me, I know what I´m saying. I saw so many people suffered from depression. You can´t heal without medicine.

Keep my fingers crossed for you and her.

 

Btw aren´t you from Czech Republic or Slovak Republic? Just asking.

[DonDingo]

Thanks for the advice. She's been visiting a psychologist for weeks now.

I'm sorry to hear, there are others who had to live with this feeling.

And thank you for the reply and the support, it means a lot.

And no, neither. But close. From Hungary, actually. Why do you ask?

[dreamyjane]

I hope, she´s feeling better !

And what about your relationship? Are you in contact?

I just ask, because I´m from Slovak Republic and I was just curious if someone from neighbouring countries is visting this forum !

[DonDingo]

Well, the relationship is getting even more complicated. She broke the no contact agreement the very next day. Then, we made the loop over and over again. After the thing I wrote last, we became "just friends" again. Then, one day, she had about 2 free hours after school, and asked me, if we should do anything. Still as a friend, just hanging out. And there were at least a dozen opportunities to kiss her. She was almost asking for it. But I didn't do it. I didn't do it, because we always had some days of fallout (almost no contact) after the kisses, and I didn't want it again. The next day, we went out, with a group of friends (we have the same group of friends), and I drank too much (stupid pálinka), and when the group splitted, and everyone went home,I insisted on walking her home(to his brother, who lives in the city). And I kissed her. But after that? Two days of not much talking, and since then... We're the greatest friends again. Then this sunday, we had a dancing lesson in our school (i don't know, if you have it in Slovakia, but here in Hungary, the seniors in secondary school have a ball at the half of the year, and so we have to learn the waltz). After the lesson, she asked me, if I would walk her to the train. I did, of course, I take every opportunity to be with her. But then, right before saying our goodbyes, we kissed. And it was the best kiss since we broke up. But this time no fallout. Doing like nothing happened. And so I'm now totally clueless about her. Now I'm 100% sure she loves me, but I don't know why she covers up her feelings. My best friend is already threatening me He says if I don't talk this through with her, he will.

Yeah and some data, to know, how much we talk: we're just passing a hundred thousand messages on Facebook. From which, 90 thousand is from this June until now. She's the greatest. I really can't lose her.

And well met, neighbour.

[dreamyjane]

It is really more complicated! You have to talk with her ! I see, that she truly loves you so much.

Maybe she is still afraid of her depression. But if you tell her how she is making progress with her therapy, she can think more about relationship with you.

I don´t believe, that you are just best friends. And you have to tell her, that it isn´t fair to you being just friends, when you are still in contact and kissing sometimes. This isn´t what friends do.

Yes, we had also dancing lesson in my last year of High school.

If you will have time, write me news about your situation.

I hope, you will get back together soon neighbour !

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[DonDingo]

No real news, just checking in.

First of all, thank you very much. I only came here, because I was hopeless, and thought I have to try everything, and didn't expect to have such support. You really are a great person.

Then I think I should give some more bits about what I'm in right now.

Yesterday and today we spent some great time together, joking, laughing, and here comes the interesting part: tickling. She used to tickle me sometimes to tease me, because I'm very ticklish. Yesterday she did some, but today, she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't let go of my ribs and belly. And it brought some almost-kissing situations with it.

Also, we had a little habit, while we were dating. As i said we talked afternoons and nights long on Facebook. But she always fell asleep faster than I did. So I started writing novels (as we called them) for her. It would be about almost anything. From the silliest jokes to a list of why I loved her. So really almost anything. And she always said she loved them. She said she loved reading my words I wrote to her, and it would always make her smile. So I continued writing them, because if she smiles, I am the happiest man on Earth. Now comes the funny part. I should scrap all of this, and rewrite it. Rewrite it in present tense. Yeah. She still asks me to write these. She still says she loves them. And I'm not sure what to think. Nowadays, it's mostly about how much I love her still. And sometimes about how much I miss her, and how much I'd love if she lied there next to me on my bed (or I in her bed), and how much I would hug her, and pet her, and give her a massage (she is also asking for this many times).

I hope I can talk to her about all this in the not-too-far future.

And I also hope that you're doing great. I really appreciate the support

[dreamyjane]

Hi DonDingo

 

It was really my pleasure to help you! Everyone knows this hopeless feeling. I came here from the same reason as you. I personally think, that people should help each other. Sometimes is better to listen advice of stranger. You know what I mean.

 

I think, she doesn´t want to live without you. You are often together. But I understand, that you feel really confused about her behavior.

 

I think, that you should tell her, that you are really strong together Many men would leave her because of her depression. I mean it.

It´s really great, that you are not only talking about your love, but you are showing her actions. That´s fantastic!

 

It´s better to communicate about your relationship with her face to face. You have to be honest with her. You can also tell her, that you don´t want to rush things with her, but she gives you mixed signals. And if she needs time, you will wait, but you need answer about your relationship.

 

Honestly, I don´t think, that you and her can be friends. You really have to talk with her. She is probably afraid, that she will hurt you, but you can tell her, that life without her would be more hurtful and you will beat every problem caused by her depression or by any different circumstances.

 

I don´t know why, but I truly believe it will be more clear in few days.

I´ve never knew about myself, that I´m so hopeless romantic So I really wish happy ending for your relationship Don´t froget to update!

[DonDingo]

It will be a hard couple of days, but you made it easier. A lot easier.

Me and my best friend talked about the whole thing this friday, and came to pretty much the same conclusion as you did. So thank you, it's calming, and really means a lot.

But on the other hand, it seems, I won't be able to talk to her about this in the coming days. Tomorrow we have the dancing lesson. It will be hell watching her dance with another guy. Originally, we would've danced together, but a week after we broke up, she said she can't do it. She said it would wake feelings in her, and she couldn't handle it. The next day she already asked one of my friends if he would be her partner. Of course my friend came to me right after, asking if it's okay, and saying he'd rather won't dance, if it bothers me. I said, that of course it bothers me, but it's better, that she dances with one of my friends than with a random guy. Last time this friend didn't come to the lesson, so I didn't have to watch. But now, he does, so I really don't know what to do. Even the thought breaks my heart, and tomorrow I can watch it in live action.

So I asked her, if we could talk after the lesson, I could walk her to the train again. But she said, it's not good tomorrow. I said okay, then monday? She has plans with her sister. That's okay with me too. Then tuesday? Nope, she has a competition, and won't come to school. I said I would go there after school, and then we have time. She said no, I shouldn't. Okay, then. Wednesday? And then she said, we shouldn't plan that far ahead. I asked why not? "Because if something comes up, and she won't have time, then I would be angry again (it happened some times before, and at the worst of times, when I really needed to talk to her, so I was angry a bit, because she made plans after we had already talked about meeting). And then she said: "And also I don't want to talk just yet"

What does all this mean? In the heat of the moment I always think she doesn't want to make time for me. And it hurts. Then when I calm a bit, I think it through. She wouldn't do this, if she didn't have the cause. So now I'm torn between: 1. she doesn't love me actually 2. she still loves me, but tries to push me away (this is the most likely in my eyes) 3. she still loves me, but she has to gather her thoughts (after the kisses and everything)

I'd really like to talk this through with her, but I don't want to push it, because it won't help at all. But in the meantime, I feel like I'm torn into a million pieces in the inside, and my chest feels like it will explode, my heart is pounding with full strength, and I can't sleep. I didn't sleep much this last week, after that great kiss at the train station last sunday. 3-4-5 hours a day. I look like a zombie. I feel like a zombie. Everyone says, I look like a zombie. My mother wouldn't leave me alone the other night, asking What's the problem. I said nothing, no problem. Well, what could have I said? I don't think it's a good idea to tell all this to my mom.

You and my best friend are my only solace in these hellish times. Thank you again.

[dreamyjane]

Oh, I´m really sorry, that you must wait so long for discussion with her! The saddest thing is, that nobody can really give you answer, only her.

Her behavior is really confusing! I feel your pain ! Is she taking some medicine? I´m just asking if she can really control her emotions, because without medicine is hard.

 

She must realise, that she will fight with her depression every day. So what? She wants to be single all her life? I just think, that her attitude is unhealthy. And it really depends on her if she will hurt you or won´t hurt you. It´s just lame excuse.

 

I´m really sorry, to say this, but I´m angry at her, because it´s similar with my ex boyfriend. We are broken up month and half and he is still writing me and pretends, that nothing happened. He doesn´t think about me, how much he hurt me.

It´s just not natural to change so fast from boyfriend/girlfriend to friend right after BU. You need some time to heal! Usually it takes 3 - 6 months. It depends on person.

 

After my BU my mum found me "endlessly" crying and I didn´t want to tell her, what my ex boyfriend did to me, but I did and she really helped me through the hell. I couldn´t eat, sleep and I couldn´t pretend, that nothing really happened. I´m glad, that when I´m at home, I can be myself. I have better relationship with my mum now. I have never talked with her about my problems, but I couldn´t handle my pain on my own. She was the one, who told me, that I need to go NC with him and heal my heart. She was the one, who opened my eyes and told me, that I did everything for saving my relationship and he just had lame excuses all the time. I´m still struggling, but it is better!

 

When my mum saw me crying, she asked me, if my ex boyfriend dumped me. I think, that your mum feels it, too. It isn´t possible to hide so big pain. Trust me, everyone was heartbroken, even your mum. It´s really nice, that she cares about you and she wants to help you. Sometimes we don´t need any advice, we just need hug from loved one. You can tell her, that you have "just" hard time.

 

I just want to tell you, that love yourself more than your ex girlfriend. Tell her, that you can´t be friend with her right now. You don't deserve to be treated as an option, who will wait for her forever. If she really cares about you, she will find time.

Maybe she doesn´t realise how much she is hurting you with her behavior and it´s really time to tell her.

Just listen your heart and think about yourself.

 

And I believe in one thing: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be."

 

I know how you feel. It´s really hard time, but you´re gonna be stronger.

One day it will be more clear and you will know everything, what you don´t know now.

 

You´re welcome. I´m glad, that I can help you.

[DonDingo]

Just checking in again.

It's starting to get really confusing. Her feelings changing every week, is hard to bear. As I said, we spent the last week pretty well. We had a great time every afternoon. Friday she even fell asleep on my lap, while I was caressing her. Then, as I alredy told you, we had a little fight about meeting and talking. We haven't really talked since then, until this very evening. Today, we could chat again, as if nothing happened. Only one thing. I asked her, if we could meet during the autumn break. She said it would be awkward, so only when we are going out with a group of friends. Then I asked her, when can we talk. About us, I mean. Then she said, it's still the same as on sunday.

She feels like she's not ready just yet for a talk about this, and asked me not to push it. "For my sake". Ok. Then she continued: "And for yours". What the hell does this mean? Does it only mean that we can't even be friends if I push it? Or does it mean, that maybe I have a chance to be with her again, if I give her space?

Yeah, also have to mention here, that we had problems about this before. I tried to surprise her by going to her train to the morning, or waiting for her while she is on a driving lesson, unannounced. These were right before our breakup. She said she knew I wanted good with it (and yeah, I did, because she really felt down, and I thought it would be better, if she wasn't alone), butshe felt like I was strangling her. That she felt like she had no space. We broke up the next day (but not really as the title says)

I know, that you can't really answer these questions, and/or find a solution, but it's great that I can tell all this to someone. I can't tell my friends (only my best friend knows a lot, but still not this much), because she asked me not to, she said it's our private matter.

And no, I don't know about her taking medicine. I don't believe she does.

But if I have to watch another dancing session where she doesn't dance with me... It was awful... I felt like suffocating... Tried to cover it up with laughter, we did stupid things with my friend... But still, it was one of the worst one and a half hours of my life...

I hope everything's great with you. I wish the best.

[dreamyjane]

Maybe she doesn´t have opportunity to really miss you in her life, don´t you think? Does she even realise how she is hurting you? How long you have autumn break in Hungary? Maybe it will be good idea during autumn break not to respond to her messages, because I really think, that she hasn´t opportunity to realise, that you don´t have to be in her life anymore. You are possibly being taken for granted. What do you think about this opinion? I´m just really guessing.

 

I thought, that she is pushing you away because of her depression, but I don´t really know what to think about her behavior. It would be good to know if she´s taking some medicine. Maybe she just needs some space to figure things on her own.

 

This is really torture what she is doing to you. The worst is to don´t have any answers.

 

My ex boyfriend also pretends, that nothing like BU happened between us. I´m ignoring him for my own sanity. I´m glad, that I was with him in LDR...seeing him with someone else like you do on dancing lesson would be hurtful. I just think, that some people have to figure out some things on their own. If we are still there for them, they don´t appreciate it and they really don´t have time to miss what they had. And it is also really cruel to expect that you can be friend with someone you still love. It´s hurtful.

 

You did nothing wrong in your relationship. Every girl in love wish to be suprised by her boyfriend. It was really nice, that you waited for her. It´s really her turn to do something with your relationship.

 

You should read more about depressed people and how they behave in relationship - it could be helpful.

 

I´m really sorry for your situation !

[DonDingo]

Yeah, I think you're right. She doesn't have the opportunity. As I said, the time we went no contact, she broke it the very neyt day after we started, by asking if I'm alright, why didn't I go to school. After that I said I'm alright, but we shouldn't break the rules. Then, the day after that, she couldn't hold it any longer. I sit next to her and one of my friends in German classes, and she was already speaking to me about her day, and it took about 10 minutes for her to realize what she'd done.

 

She knows it's hard for me, but I'm not sure she knows how much it hurts.

 

The autumn break starts on friday this week and ends on the next sunday. But it will be hard, not to respond to her for more than one reason. First of all, it hurts much more if I can't talk with her and make her smile, than talking to her, but not being with her. Today, we also had a great time (telling you right after), after a few days, and it would be terrible to just break this. Secondly, we are planning a get-together with our friends, because she wasn't able to come to the last two, and really wants to come with us this time (and I want it too). But I'm thinking about what you said, and consider planning the get-together through another person. And shall I tell her that we should go NC or just simply don't respond?

 

About our day today: We had one and a half hour to spend, while waiting for her train. We talked a lot, and, of course, laughed a lot, as we always do. She also asked me how I'm doing, is it getting any easier, not to be with her. I said, at the moment I feel alright, but the last couple of days were really bad. She asked me if I'm talking to anyone about this. I said yes, my best friend (sorry I didn't mention you ). Then the conversation took off, and soon after, we were talking about silly things again, and laughing. Then she wanted me to admit that she won (a friendly little argument, just silly things again, not serious). Then she grasped my hand, but covered it up with a handshake. I would have thought nothing if she wouldn't have continued with it. After this, she asked me like 7-8 times to admit that she won, and shake her hand again. And she would hold it long, looking in my eyes. The last handshake was the longest. After it, my hand "accidentally" stayed in hers, and she played with it. She even caressed it. She was also playing with my face, making it look funny. Then I did it to her face. Then she started playing with my neck (she always liked playing with my neck, and would compliment how great it is, and how much she likes it).

I'm really confused about her, so maybe NC is a good idea. But it's not easy to decide when things are changing this regularly.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, it's not easy. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope it will be better soon.

[dreamyjane]

Oh, I really don´t know what is better for you. She´s so confusing!

 

When I decided to do NC, I told my ex boyfriend, that I need my space and I can´t talk with him, because it really hurts me. He told me, that he understands me...but then he broke our NC again and again. I´m ignoring him for my sanity. I have my reasons. I´m also lost in my situation, so I´m thinking about talking to therapist. It´s hard when you love someone who is "lost" ...

 

Many people will tell you different advice, but you have to listen your heart. My heart was in such pain, when I talk to my ex boyfriend, that I told myself, I´m the one who must take care of myself and I know, that people can´t fix so fast big problems in relationship. It takes time.

 

You can tell her, that you need some time for yourself, just few days. But I´m not sure if it´s good or no. You really need to talk to her, but she doesn´t want to give you any opportunity about serious talk. I can´t imagine being so fast friend with ex. It´s not natural...and you have still hope, that you and her will get back together. It would be really helpful to have some conclusion from her side.

 

I´m sure she has still feelings for you, but she is confused.

 

Hmmmm, I would try just 3 days without NC, but don´t tell her how long you will be quiet. I´m not sure about this. What do you think?

 

Maybe you can ask her later out, tell her that you are going 3 friends (you, her, your friend) and then your friend will disappear by accident and then talk to her in serious way! Hmmm...or your friend can ask about your situation?

 

Haha, I forgive you for not mentioning me

 

Thank you for saying it. It will be one day better, but sometimes I´m dreaming about miracle

[DonDingo]

Now I've got some news. Actually not news, but some augmentation for the original post.

 

Remember that class tip second night, when she got really drunk? When she had the breakdown? When she didn't want to stop kissing? After that, we only heard a part of the story. That she was crying because of her family. And she said, she doesn't umderstand that kiss, it might have been just a drunk kiss.

 

But I talked with one of the guys yestetday, who was there in that group with her. And he said, there were two big crying topics for her, not one, as we thought before. Yes, one of them was her family, but the other one... Yep, you guessed right.That would be me. She cried because of me. Because of our breakup. Because I was pushing her. She wasn't ready to talk about her problems, her family, but I pushed her to it. But I also couldn't go too long without talking about it. But I didn't know I caused her so much pain with it.

 

I think all this makes it an entirely new case. Now, I definetly think she is still in love. What do you think about all this?

 

I can only talk with her early/mid next week, that's when we go out with friends. I will hope we can talk then.

[Silverbirch]

(((())))) You are very sweet and lovely, and I think a lot more mature than she is. I hope she is good enough for you.

[DonDingo]

Thank you I don't think these attributes were ever used on me before

I think she is definitely good enough for me. I always thought that I may not be good enough for HER. But hell, what do I know? I'm in love or what.

[Silverbirch]

Oh yes. Of course you are good enough. You are very kind and caring and logical.

[DonDingo]

Wow. It feels so good to hear this. Makes my confidence rise. It will be much easier to talk with her about all this now. (too bad I have to wait 'til Wednesday)

Thank you very much

[dreamyjane]

Silverbirch is right! You are more mature than she is. Every girl would be really happy on her side ! As I already told you, you are not only talking, but you´re taking actions. That´s what counts. I´m sure you deserve her without any doubts!

 

Okay, so this is really big news thanks to your friend! I hope, you will talk on Wednesday!

 

I´m sure, she still loves you, but she has problems, which she can´t handle. Be there for her. You´re really prepared for this discussion. Fight for your own happiness.

[DonDingo]

Silverbirch is right! You are more mature than she is. Every girl would be really happy on her side ! As I already told you, you are not only talking, but you´re taking actions. That´s what counts. I´m sure you deserve her without any doubts!

 

Okay, so this is really big news thanks to your friend! I hope, you will talk on Wednesday!

 

I´m sure, she still loves you, but she has problems, which she can´t handle. Be there for her. You´re really prepared for this discussion. Fight for your own happiness.

 

Thank you so much. Both of you, actually. It's really hard for me, but you make it easier. By a lot. I hope I'll have the opportunity to talk with her on Wednesday. I'll walk her home against her will again, if nothing else Just kidding, I wouldn't push it. Just look how it turned out last time.

Your support means a lot. I hope everything's great, and if not, then will be soon.

[dreamyjane]

Don´t forget to update your story !

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[DonDingo]

Don´t forget to update your story !

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

Don't worry, I will not forget.

I don't know if I should call this news, so I'll just call it an update(as you did). We will only meet tomorrow, with our friends.

BUT...

 

This last week was really great. We had a great time together on Wednesday and Thursday last week. And since then? Everything seems to get even better. We talk a lot, even during the day, but mostly in the evenings. And by a lot I mean A LOT. We are having terrific conversations. She started to call me "monkey" (sometimes "little monkey") again. That's the nickname she gave me, because I do and say silly things. And also, we started joking again about things we didn't joke too much with in the last couple of weeks. And these are mostly about me jumping on my bike and going over to her house right away. So when I arrive I can give her a massage, and when she falls asleep I can watch her sleep (she's really cute while sleeping), and I can sleep with her. We also started sending pictures again (mostly me, but it was always like this), because she asked me to. We know everything that happens to the other one. It's again what it used to be. When I was joking about her killing me with one kick, she said: "I don't want to kill you, you're important to me".

 

And we will obviously have time to talk. When I was in Prague with my orchestra (a week after the class trip), she asked me to bring her beer as a present/souvenir. I brought her on one condition: she drinks it with me (I bought one for myself too). She agreed. So when it came up to go drinking with our pals, she asked me if we could drink it right before that. So we will have the time to talk, I hope she won't mind if I bring it up.

 

I will have news soon, and amazing ones, I hope.

[dreamyjane]

It looks really great for you!

You´re not pushing things, so she can trust you more

 

Good signs:

She wants to hang out with you alone.

She calls you by your nickname.

 

I hope you will get back together soon, but don´t expect anything.

It´s better to be luckily suprised

Hope you will talk with her about your relationship!

[DonDingo]

Now I have news. Good or bad, it's hard to decide.

 

We couldn't talk before the get-together. But we did after. But I don't want to rush to the end

She got drunk again. Not super drunk, but pretty drunk. In the last hour, when he group was together, she started acting like we're together. She gave me small little kisses, sometimes she was hugging me tightly. After the group parted, I walked her home again (to his brother). While waiting for the bus, we were almost constantly kissing. On the bus, we sat down, and she put her leg on mine, asked me to warm it up, because it's freezing. Then lied on my shoulder and almost fell asleep. But a lot of kisses were involved there too. Then we got off the bus, and started going to her brothers place. Kisses, kisses everywhere. Then we stopped right in front of the house. She started to put her hands in my pants, grabbing my genitalia. I also started to rub her down there. We were like that for a minute or two. She said it would be great if she could bring me up to his brothers place. But she said she can't, it's not his house, and doesn't know how his brother would react. Then she got an idea. We went into a smaller alley, in the bushes(it was dark, her brother lives in the hills). And we started the intercourse. But we couldn't do it, because we were freezing there. Then we kissed, and talked again. We soon kissed goodbyes and went home.

But we were talking a lot during all this. I asked, why are we doing this, why aren't we together. She said she can't do it. She said she loves me, and would love to be with me, but she can't. She says she couldn't handle it with ber depression. She said that with her mood changes she ruins me. That one day she is all cheerful, the other day she is moody, and if I ask, she can't tell why. She said this would hurt me, and she doesn't want that.

What should I do now? Shall I say what I think? Shall I try to convine her? Because she hurts me more with this. It hurt before, but now that I know that she truly loves me, it's much more hurtful. I would do anything for her. I don't mind the mood changes as long as I can be there for her. With her. Kiss her, hug her, caress her when she feels down. I don't mind that she doesn't always want to talk about her problems. I don't care, if it ruins me. I love her with all my heart and I want to do this. I want to be with her, whatever it takes. I want my little kitty back. I can't think about anything else, just this. (I will have a history competition with a friend of mine, and I should really learn for it, because it's teamwork, but whenever I am alone wih my mind, I can only think about all this. I said this to her, but she spent this morning encouraging me to do it, because it's great that I do this)

I'm totally lost now. I really have no idea what to do. Today, she acts again like nothing happened. With the exception that she asked me not to tell what happened yesterday to anyone. I'm lost and I'm feeling the exploding chest again.