bella201 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Hi, sorry this is a complicated story but I will try to keep it as simple as possible. I am a 20/yo female who has been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. 2 weeks ago I went out with my friends and someone at a bar slipped something into my drink (confirmed through a blood test that it was GBH or the "date rape drug.") I had 2 glasses of wine at the bar and from there my memory is basically blank. I woke up the next morning, super sick and naked in bed with a good friend of my boyfriend's. I was in shock and quickly left while he was still sleeping; I couldn't remember a thing and was in denial about the whole situation. However I could tell that I had had sex. This weekend at a friends 21st I saw the friend of my boyfriends and thanked him for taking care of me the weekend before (explaining to him that I couldn't remember anything because of the GBH). He went really strange and immediately left the party. Last night he phoned me and told me that we did sleep together (which I was pretty sure had happened but as I couldn't remember it I was denying it to myself). He said he was really drunk and just assumed that I was too, and he would never have slept with me if he knew what had happened. He told me that he had bumped into me at the bar where I was talking to a guy who got angry when he took me away from him. He said we then went back to his place and had sex. I am certain that it was not him that gave me the GBH as he was not around when it happened and also (despite what you may think about him sleeping with a friends girlfriend, which is obviously not ok) he is a genuinely nice guy. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to get a pregnancy and STD test as he told me we did not use contraception. I have not slept with my boyfriend since this happened- luckily if i have contracted something. I have no idea what to do. If I tell my boyfriend it will ruin his friends life, but I feel like if i don't tell him and it comes out he will feel like i intentionally cheated and kept it from him. I can't tell any of my friends as our friend group is very close knit and all my best friends are also best friends with my boyfriend. My boyfriend already has issues with jealousy and emotionally cannot handle things very well- as in, he will shut down and become very distant. I know it is selfish but I am already feeling so terrified, I don't know if I can deal with his feelings and the drama that is sure to occur if i tell him. This sort of thing has never happened before and I am completely frozen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Your boyfriend's friend may not have bumped your drink. But he DID sleep with his friend's girlfriend, and he DID take advantage of you, unless he was also drugged I doubt he would be at a similar level of impairment. Therefore, he is NOT a good guy. And should not be your boyfriend's friend. You will experience lots of emotions, and I'm sorry this happened to you. Its not your fault and you should consider counselling. Your boyfriend will eventually know something is going on, and if you would like to continue your relationship you should probably let him know. After 4 years he deserves honesty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 He may not have given you the drug but he took advantage of someone that was impaired. In my opinion that was rape. Don't protect him. It was wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottieflanogon Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I'm really sorry this happened to you. If you were indeed blacked out and can't remember making the decision, then it was basically rape. If someone doesn't make a CONSCIOUS & consentual decision to sleep with someone else then it is rape. I think it would be best to just tell him what happened, he's definitely going to be mad but tell him that you were blacked out and don't remember agreeing to it .The guy that did this to you isn't a good person and isn't a good friend to your boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 first sorry that this happened to me but after reading through this it concerns me how much you are trying to protect this guy.... he is a good guy to you because he wanted to get in your pants... so its not ok to sleep with you if you were slipped something but it is ok if you are visibly drunk? its just weird how this guy saved you from this angry guy and took you back to his place knowing how drunk you were..why didnt he take you home..where were your other friends? did you go to the bar alone? there are a lot of pieces missing to this puzzle. idc how drunk he was, he took a close friends gf back to his house knowing she was drunk friendship should be over period....if you protect this guy , trust me, it will some how come out later and then your bf will be even more mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movingforward3 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I think we need to know more of this story. Definitely seems convenient for him. U should think through all u can remember and retell it. Also, has this friend ever made passes at u? Or show any attraction? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 He told me that he had bumped into me at the bar where I was talking to a guy who got angry when he took me away from him. He said we then went back to his place and had sex. If he was looking out for you, why would he not just take you home? To YOUR home. That seems like a really weird coincidence that one person would drug you and another, unrelated person would take advantage of you. Even if he didn't know you were drugged and just thought you were really drunk, that is not reason enough to assume someone wants to have sex with you! Has he never heard of consent? Even if you did only have alcohol in your system you were in no state of mind to agree to have sex. I think you are giving this guy way more credit than he deserves. I can't imagine that it wasn't incredibly clear that you were incapacitated. Either he intended to have sex with you knowing that you didn't really know what was going on or he is a complete idiot. Has it not been drilled into people's heads by now that you need consent to have sex with someone and that a drunk person (since he assumed you were completely drunk) cannot give consent? Either way, I am sorry to say but you were raped. I hope when you go to your appointment you also tell them you were raped and request to be assigned a counselor. I think you should see a counselor before you decide whether or not to tell your boyfriend and I hope you also consider reporting this guy for what he did. I don't think he is as innocent in this as you seem to believe right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 If I tell my boyfriend it will ruin his friends life I'm sorry but he should face consequences. You don't get to just rape people when the opportunity arises and just continue on with your life. Sorry but this just makes me really mad that this happened to you. Like I said, I hope you process this with the help of a counselor before you decide whether or not to tell your friends and boyfriend. Another question- you said you could tell you had sex when you woke up but were your clothes back on? Even if he "didn't mean to". Even if he is "a really nice guy". Does that mean that he shouldn't face consequences for what he did? I'm a nice person. If I got in my car drunk, hit and injured someone on my way home, would I not face consequences for that even though I didn't mean to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I'm in with the "something doesn't ring true about this story." If this friend was concerned enough to get you away from the other guy at the bar then why on earth would he, obviously seeing how drugged and out of it you were, take you home and sleep with you? That just doesn't add up. I've known two people who did rescue women in similar situations. In neither case did they sleep with the woman then who they could see were very drunk/drugged with some guy all over them and it being very obvious they were going to be raped when they were not able to consent. Since you don't remember what happened we have two possible scenarios here: a) the "friend" was there and slipped you the drinks and you then blacked out and don't remember him there. GBH acts fast, as in 10 to 20 minutes fast, possibly faster under the right circumstances. Maybe you had two drinks, he walked over with a third and it was lights out at that point, which is entirely plausible. It only takes one drink, not two or three or five. That's why rapists love that drug, it's fast and it lowers inhibitions. It's also got a sedative effect pretty quickly, which means you would have been passing out soon enough hence the blackouts. OR b) he didn't slip you the drug, he's telling the truth, but he saw enough to know you had been drugged or were very, very drunk and he helped himself thinking, "Why let an opportunity go to waste?" Either way you would not have been in any shape to have been making informed decisions about sex and this friend is yes, a rapist. Ever see anyone high on GBH or alcohol? I have, you know they are not in their right mind and you know damn well having sex with someone in that shape is a huge gigantic no-no regardless of what they say or do. I don't care if you stripped and did the mamba on his living room table, he knew you were in no shape to consent. And yet he went ahead and had sex with you anyways instead of insisting you drink a pot of black coffee, calling your boyfriend to come get you, and giving the cops a description of the guy he got you away from. Just thinking, "Oh I thought you were just drunk" is not a defense for having sex with you at all. Quite the opposite actually, it's an admission of guilt. Plus, yeah if he really cared about your safety and saving you from someone else why did he then turn around do exactly what he claims to have been saving you from? Some guy drugging you at the bar to take you home and have sex with you without your consent. I know this is a huge shock, but you need to call a hotline and talk to a counselor who is experienced with these types of cases. This is a good hotline to call, I used to volunteer for one that is very similar, but that was back in the 80s. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. The Hotline is free and the information you share is confidential. I am urging you to at least talk to someone about what happened. Either way this guy should not have slept with you, knew enough to understand you were not in a state to sleep, and his actions and story just do not add up. Why didn't he say anything about the guy at the bar when he saw you at the party? Even pulling you aside and telling you, "Listen, there's something I have to tell you," would have made sense. Instead it really looks like he hoped you wouldn't remember, when you said something he freaked out. Then later on after he had time to come up with a so-called plausible story he rang you up trying to throw suspicion off of himself. Because I am telling you as someone who knows others who have been saved from similar situations, the men did not then help themselves to what another perpertrator started. That's the whole point of rescuing someone in the first place--to prevent them from having sex without consent. This "friend" didn't do that at all. I think you need to talk to friends who were there that night at the bar. Don't tell them your suspicions just yet, but ask them who was there. Unless you were drinking alone and there all by yourself I really find it hard to believe someone else won't remember you there. P.S. Some of the nicest people out there are also the largest of criminals. How many times have you picked up the paper or turned on the news to see or hear, "But he/she was so nice. I never would've dreamed they'd be capable of that..." Do some digging, talk to someone, proceed from there. I personally think this "friend" is dangerous regardless. You were drunk/drugged enough he would have known something happened at the bar if he had to get you away from some other guy who got angry, and yet he took you to his place, not yours, his and then he had sex with you anyways. It's just too convenient for him and his stories and actions do not match what he's saying. My uncle once rescued a young woman in a very similar situation. He got her to a bedroom in the house of the party they were at, put her on the bed, locked the door and slept with his back against the door all night to make sure no one came in to get at her. He did not have sex with her or even so much as touch her. In the morning he drove her to the police station and they filed a report together on what had happened. Why didn't this guy do any of that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I don't think this guy is telling the truth, and I don't think he's as good of a guy as you think he is (though I understand your desire to give him the benefit of the doubt). He may not have given you the drugs, but his behavior was beyond shady. If he had been genuinely concerned about you, he would have gotten you HOME, to your own home, and not taken advantage of you. And, I'm sorry, no one is THAT drunk that they don't know that having sex with a friend's girlfriend is wrong. Drunk or not, a person can't forget something like this. Honestly, he openly admitted he thought you were really drunk and that if he "had known" about the GHB, he wouldn't have proceeded. The thing is, if he thought you were THAT drunk, then he should have known you weren't able to legally consent to having sex with him. This whole thing is really awful. Honestly, I don't think you can worry about ruining his life. If his life gets ruined, he did it to himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 So you just happen to get drugged and just happen to have sex with this guy? Way too convenient. I would have suggested a rape kit which would have DNA tested the semen, but two weeks later I doubt there's anything there. Why did your friends let him take you away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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