My ex told him to give him time. Why is he the one keeping contact?

[sailornicoleee]

I just really need help. My ex broke up with me 3 days ago. He said he needs to figure things out and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. The day after we broke up he messaged me saying "you mean so much to me nikki. I feel like such a bad person." He didn't give me anything to work with, just kept repeating what he said initially. He said he never said he doesn't want me, just that he didn't want to hurt me and didn't know what he wanted and didn't think it was fair to make me wait. I told him that I'd wait however long he needed as long as he still wanted me.

 

He said "That's the saddest thing ever man -.- you deserve so much better. I don't want anyone else and seeing you with someone else would kill me but you shouldn't be waiting for someone who is indecisive and careless as I am being."

 

But I stayed persistent and told him I care too much to let this go. That I'd wait, just to please come back.

 

He said "thank you nikki. I'm sorry. I wish I could just jump back into everything but I need to figure everything out first. Just give me a little time"

I told him I wouldn't give up on him as long as he didn't give up on me, and to please not forget about me. He read but didn't reply.

 

Before we broke up we didn't talk for a week and he stopped liking all my Facebook posts.

 

I don't like any of his posts, but the day after we broke up he liked a video I posted and just yesterday he liked one of my statuses I put up that day. Then must've went on my page because at the same time he liked a status that I'd put up the night before. He hasn't liked anything I put up since over a week before we broke up.

 

It seems that he's keeping in contact in a weird way? I mean he's the one making his presence known everyday since he broke up with me. He knows I'm dead set on fixing things. If he really didn't want to get my hopes up wouldn't he just avoid my posts like he did right before he dumped me when he was distancing himself? I'm the one giving him time.

 

*Other key points*

-he said "I never said I don't want to speak to you again. I don't want this to be forever. I just don't know anything right now and didn't feel like it was fair to make you wait"

 

- I told him I had a feeling he was seeing somebody else, and even if he was I loved him him enough to decide for himself who he wants.

He said "Damn it dude don't go down that road. Nothing I've said has implied anyone else. That's not a conclusion I want you jumping to. I do care and I'm not trying to not work with you. I'm just trying to figure everything out. I never said I didn't want you just that I didn't want to hurt you"

[trezeralietas]

Do not reach out to this guy again. He knows where you stand and he'll come to you if that's what he wants. Seriously, the more you stress that you are there for him and want to be with him, etc, the more stress and pressure it puts on him. Believe me, I know that is the opposite of what you mean--you really, truly mean to be supportive and loving...however, when a person is having doubts for whatever reason, a profession of undying love and an unending commitment to stay and wait and be there just feels really heavy. It creates a feeling of obligation and imbalance. It makes the person who is pulling away feel even worse and even more guilty because they clearly can't say the same thing back to you.

 

I was in a very similar relationship when I was in college. My boyfriend started pulling away and getting distant and I kept professing my love and devotion and telling him how wonderful I thought he was, how I wanted to be there for him and support him through everything. All that did was freak him out and make him feel guilty because he was having doubts about me and didn't want/know how to be blunt about that. He kept saying things like "I don't know why you think I am so amazing. I'm not. I hate that you think such great things about me because I am really just messed up inside and confused and I need to take some time to figure stuff out." That made me fight all the harder and I was even more insistent that we could work through things together and I loved and supported him, etc.

 

The cold hard truth of the matter is that he was over me. He was over the relationship and he was too much of a coward to end things cleanly. He tried to do a nice guy bow-out which was really just painful and excruciating. I'm sorry to to imply that your boyfriend doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him, but to me, it's pretty clear that's what's going on here. Even if it's not, it wouldn't hurt you to step back and take care of yourself. Support yourself. Do something nice for yourself, eat well, exercise, go out with friends and do something fun. Go be your happy, independent, strong, self--the one who [hopefully] existed before this relationship.

 

Like I said, he knows where to go if/when he's ready to pick things back up. You do not have to insist anymore that you are there for him and that you love him. He won't forget about you. However, he may not choose to come back. I know right now that feels like the worst thing that could happen, but you'll be okay. You'll be better than okay. If that's the path he chooses, one day, you'll be utterly grateful for it. You deserve to only be with someone who values you and wants to include you in his life--struggles and all.

 

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk/commiserate/cry. I know it's hard, but you'll get through this, no matter the outcome. Hugs!

[sailornicoleee]

He said the same thing to me. That he doesn't know if he's the one for me, that he wants to be. But he just doesn't know. That he doesn't want to lose me forever and that he doesn't want THIS to be forever and that he doesn't know what I see in him and that he doesn't know how he makes me happy. That he doesn't even like himself.

 

But there's so many mixed messages. I even told him "I know you probably don't want anything to do with me and he said that he never once said that.

I also started telling him how much I missed his entire family and his daughter and watching tv with him in his room all day every weekend and he literally said "-.- I miss you being here.."

 

I mean? And then he's liking my posts? Even one I put up about my mom who he hadn't even met yet because I'm usually over at his place and my mom is super shy with meeting people? I think he's just genuinely confused and I know I did the wrong thing by throwing myself at him but my gut told me that was what I had to do. I'd rather have done that than not fight for what I care about, you know? I'm like that. I'm just blunt and I straight up told him I'd wait. That it was a ed up weird situation but that id be by his side while he got through it. He knows that, I couldn't have made it clearer. I feel like he's sort of giving me hope but at the same time im 99.999% sure I'm wasting my time. I can't help it though, I love the guy.

[trezeralietas]

You can love him. Just do it from afar for now.

 

Take care of yourself. Go out and get yourself back. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is out in the world being themselves, being strong, happy, vibrant, and able to take care of themselves. It's not going to help your cause if you look like you're sitting at home just waiting for the phone to ring and hoping and wishing it will be him on the other end asking you back.

 

Believe me, I know. My husband and I split last year. I decided to move to Bangkok and teach English like I've always wanted to do. Of course I was upset and distraught over him telling me he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted, etc. (very much like your guy, actually), but I decided to take matters into my own hands and go out and find my own destiny. I realized I couldn't do anything to help him with his soul searching or whatever it was he needed to figure out. I expressed that I love and support him and wanted to help, but that I understood this was his struggle and I couldn't insinuate myself into his problem-solving if he felt like separation from me is what he needed.

 

So, as I said, away to Bangkok I went. And guess what--seeing me out there smiling, growing, learning, having adventures, making new friends--a few weeks after I left, guess who was in contact wanting to come out and visit, wanting to work things out? Yep. My husband.

 

We decided to work through things and I came home after three months. Of course, now we are separating for good and we realize that it's best we just remain friends. We truly love and support each other and enjoy each others' company, but we've realized that he was truly on the right track when he said he needed to figure things out. So was I.

 

The point is though, that when I went out and lived my life and didn't pine after him (openly, anyway) he felt free to think about his issues without feeling like he owed me anything, but he also got to look at the strong, beautiful woman I am and realized that he wanted to be one of those people who could bask in my light.

 

I am not telling you this to try to convince you that your boyfriend will come back. Or that if he does, everything will work out and you'll live happily ever after. It seems pretty clear to me that he's weakly trying to exit this relationship because he doesn't want to hurt you or be the bad guy. Unfortunately, the way he's going about it is far more hurtful, if you ask me. Goodness knows, I hope I'm wrong and that he truly is confused...but it sounds like he's just cowardly.

[catfeeder]

Not a good idea to keep yourself floating in limbo for anyone who would keep you there.

 

Your best shot is to leave his radar and let him miss you. This allows you to heal and move forward, and if he ever wants to catch up with you on higher ground, he'll have no problem letting you know this.

[sailornicoleee]

Not a good idea to keep yourself floating in limbo for anyone who would keep you there.

 

Your best shot is to leave his radar and let him miss you. This allows you to heal and move forward, and if he ever wants to catch up with you on higher ground, he'll have no problem letting you know this.

 

Very true! Little update: last night I was being nosy and rereading the messages on Facebook when I accidentally send him 2 thumbs up icons. I got so embarassed I immediately deactivated my account, which he mistook for me blocking him.

He texts me: "What's with the message?"

Me: "what message?"

Me: "I just deactivated my account, I didn't even send anything"

Him: "you just sent me a thumbs up and blocked me"

Him: "O.o it sent me a message"

And he sent me a screenshot of it.

Me: "I didn't block you I just temporarily closed my account. As far as the message I have no idea what that is, sorry"

Him: "for sure I was just double checking"

Me: "yeah that's weird... I just need to stay off of it for a while"

 

I don't understand the sad face that he put when he said he was double checking. Maybe I'm over analyzing but why would he care, wouldn't he be more happy that I'm out of his hair?

I could see how he could take the thumbs up as an "I'm done" and blocking him as bye forever because that is something I'd probably do.

[Tanzi]

I just really need help. My ex broke up with me 3 days ago. He said he needs to figure things out and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. The day after we broke up he messaged me saying "you mean so much to me nikki. I feel like such a bad person." He didn't give me anything to work with, just kept repeating what he said initially. He said he never said he doesn't want me, just that he didn't want to hurt me and didn't know what he wanted and didn't think it was fair to make me wait. I told him that I'd wait however long he needed as long as he still wanted me.

 

Breaking up with you is telling you that he doesn't want you. If he did, he would be with you. He even told you NOT to wait. That's a clear indication that he wants you both to start moving on.

 

He said "That's the saddest thing ever man -.- you deserve so much better. I don't want anyone else and seeing you with someone else would kill me but you shouldn't be waiting for someone who is indecisive and careless as I am being."

 

But I stayed persistent and told him I care too much to let this go. That I'd wait, just to please come back.

 

He said "thank you nikki. I'm sorry. I wish I could just jump back into everything but I need to figure everything out first. Just give me a little time"

I told him I wouldn't give up on him as long as he didn't give up on me, and to please not forget about me. He read but didn't reply.

 

Breaking up with someone you care about is hard. There's no doubt he cares about you and initially he was trying to be honest with you. Really, for your sake, he should have stuck to his guns, but you persisted and, well, it resulted in him saying the things he knew you wanted to hear.

 

Before we broke up we didn't talk for a week and he stopped liking all my Facebook posts.

 

I don't like any of his posts, but the day after we broke up he liked a video I posted and just yesterday he liked one of my statuses I put up that day. Then must've went on my page because at the same time he liked a status that I'd put up the night before. He hasn't liked anything I put up since over a week before we broke up.

 

It seems that he's keeping in contact in a weird way? I mean he's the one making his presence known everyday since he broke up with me. He knows I'm dead set on fixing things. If he really didn't want to get my hopes up wouldn't he just avoid my posts like he did right before he dumped me when he was distancing himself? I'm the one giving him time.

 

I think you need to stop reading too much into FB. Focus on what is happening in the real world. He could just be using FB as it is intended and showing you there are no hard feelings.

 

Focus on the facts .... he has ended the relationship and he has said he doesn't know what he wants and, at the end of the day, if he doesn't know what he wants NOW, he can't possibly know if he is going to want it in the future. There's bound to be a part of him that is going to miss you and is reluctant to let go but if he ultimately wants to move on then he will eventually let go and I think you need to be prepared for that.

[Tanzi]

Hmm, you panicked a bit there. I would have just said "Oops sorry"! I'm pretty sure he must know that FB wouldn't have sent a thumbs up on is own!! Never mind, I guess that doesn't matter. Nevertheless, he did receive something from you and I guess he wanted to make sure everything was OK .... and, yes, you are reading too much into it. He had the opportunity to take your interaction a lot further had he wanted .... but he didn't.