Building trust and getting the romantic spark with ex back...

[whybeautiful]

Hi guys! Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.

 

So my boyfriend/exboyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We kind of entered into a downward spiral with me starting fights over something really silly. Basically, there were some people trying to break us up and spreading rumors about us that I bought into. I was young(er) at the time, and now know just how harmful that was to do. There was no evidence for any of the rumors. I bought into them partially because I made the mistake of enjoying the fighting/making up. I know I was wrong. I trust this man 100% now and also trust that he was faithful every day we were together--because that's the kind of person he is.

 

That happened a while ago, but because of all the fighting, the relationship sort of deteriorated. On top of that, I refused to have sex with him out of spite for quite a while and that also deteriorated the relationship.

 

Now, I'd like to be clear in saying that this all happened a while ago. I worked hard to be trusting and trust him. I worked hard to stop petty fighting. In fact, I haven't had any thoughts of him not being faithful for 3.5 months and haven't picked a fight with him just for fun 3 months. However, because of my actions, he is understandably slow to trust me.

 

We broke up not because of these issues or our inability to deal with them. We dealt with the issues. However, in dealing with the issues we lost our romantic spark. We broke up four weeks ago. I continued to live with him for 2 more weeks and things were fun. I left to go on vacation for 2 weeks. We communicated almost every day via text message on vacation and talked on the phone for an hour+ 4 or 5 days.

 

The day I got back, we met up. I ate while he watched as he'd ate at work already. We ended up going to his place where we made out and cuddled for the night. The next day I came over and we hugged and cuddled, but mostly slept as he was tired. I'm scared that he might just be using me for physical satisfaction, though he says that he loves me all the time. He says and I also believe that we were in a bad relationship.

 

I want to do something exciting to get us back on track, but I also know its important for him to want to come back rather than feeling like he's forced to. I now understand that he felt forced to act a certain way when I was going crazy with my insecurity issues. I know he's scared that I might flip out again, but its been 3.5 months and I'm not acting. I truly feel like I trust this man, not just because I'm awesome so why would he cheat, but because he's honest enough and respects me and relationships enough not to.

 

Some of my questions are

1. Is he using me for physical stuff? Should I stop going over to his place?

2. He normally planned all of our dates. Since I had a tendency to ruin them all with my jealousy issues, we stopped doing fun stuff and just started to get dinner most nights. I have some fun ideas. I'm just worried as to present them without scaring him away, with him thinking its a date. Since I just got back a few nights ago, should I wait to broach the subject?

3. I've learned my lesson. I now believe that I can have a mature relationship with him rather than one plagued by irrational fears and high movie based expectations. He thought that I was ready for a mature relationship when we got together, but I disappointed him by not being ready. Is it possible to build his trust in me again? Am I on the right track? And what things can I do to do this.

[DoF]

I think you 2 are moving way too fast and not taking your time.

 

Why are you living together?

Why are you intimate?

 

You both need to INVEST TIME and spend time together and see if you are compatible and a good fit. Get to know eachother WELL (again). Treat this as a new relationship, your time years back is irrelevent.

 

Intimacy clouds BOTH of your minds.

 

And living together? That's just crazy it's WAY too soon for that. Give it 2-3 years (post honeymoon phase) until you move in/live together.

 

Take a step back, focus on what you do together, no intimacy and MOVE.

[overthemoon86]

This seems like a really confusing situation...or maybe I am not reading this properly...so you broke up and are still talking and hanging out every day? And again not sure if I am understanding this correctly...you broke up a long time ago and then you were working on not fighting with him and not being jealous got back together and broke up again? This is confusing....why did you break up this time?

 

And relationships that break up and get back together all the time are really not healthy. If the relationship is good, happy, and healthy then there is no reason to be breaking up all the time.

 

It sounds like the theme here is you have jealousy issues and you pick fights. That issue needs to be resolved with YOU not in your relationship. I think you need to take some time and take a step back from all of this. It is really impeding in your ability to love and respect yourself which ultimately is causing your jealousy issues. If you cannot love yourself, you feel insecure, and then your insecurities turn into jealousy and anger. All really ugly things.

 

My advise is, again if I am reading this correctly, you broke up. Act like you are broken up and spend some time working on yourself instead of fixing a relationship which it sounds like isn't working.

[whybeautiful]

Hey thanks for your responses.

 

Overthemoon86, yes we've been communicating everyday since the break up. The ONE break up happened 4 weeks ago as a result of the relationship going stale. The relationship went stale because we had focused so much on my jealousy/picking fights issues that we forgot why we were together in the first place. Even though I got over the jealousy issue a while ago, it broke down the trust he feels towards me, and we stopped doing fun things. Instead we'd just "hang out," neither of us wanting to be vulnerable by putting in the effort.

 

He says he loves me. I love him. Thus I thought that doing something exciting would do the trick, I'm just not sure if that's a good ide.

[overthemoon86]

Okay understood, who broke up with who? What was that conversation like?

[whybeautiful]

He ended it. We were talking about how to get the spark back, and I made the suggestion of just going through the motions and being more responsive towards one another. He agreed that it was a good idea.

 

I tried to do something nice which he misinterpreted. I got frustrated bc I felt like id put myself out there and snapped at him (bad choice). He said that it's not worth it anymore and ended it. He said there's a lot of baggage that he doesnt know how to overcome because he's been hurt. This is true. I can see him walking on eggshells around me despite me not having raging jealousy issues for almost 4 months. But...we've basically acted like boyfriend/girlfriend since the break up, minus the acute relationship insecurity since he's technically single.

[overthemoon86]

Okay, I figured that he ended it. I just wanted to make sure. It just seems like he is giving you mixed signals. For one, he breaks up with you...that is a pretty serious motion and action. He is saying I don't want to be with you anymore. He said there is baggage and he has had enough of the relationship.

 

But on the other hand you have been acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Essentially he is stringing you along...you aren't together remember. If you were, he would say I want to be with you. What I am afraid of, he is using you because you are comfortable and available and waiting until something better comes along or gets over you.

 

You aren't doing yourself any favors by contacting him and trying to do nice things for him. He made the decision to not be with you anymore and he needs to live with the consequences of not having you. If he totally turns around and says I love and I want to be with you, then you have a relationship again if you chose. Until then, don't leave yourself in the position to get hurt.

[DoF]

I think both of you are playing games.

 

He broke up with you yet you engage. cut him off and start the healing process. You can't do that while you have ANY kind of relationship.

[whybeautiful]

I'm pretty positive that he's not waiting for something else better to come along or for him to get over me. Proof: he's not texting anyone or actively seeking to meet someone. He says that he doesn't want to get over me and isn't trying to. He says the drama of the relationship is stopping him reaching his professional goals and he wishes he could trust me to be the supportive person I once was. I think he honestly believes that we can't work because of the baggage and doesn't see a way to work around it. That's why I'm afraid to break off contact because if he honestly thinks it's bc of the baggage and I caused that baggage and he's done so much already to stop the hurt, then the onus is on me to be nice and fix things.

[overthemoon86]

But the thing you have to remember is, he does not want to be with you. He has told you that. And you just mentioned that he does see this relationship working. If he wanted to be with you, then he would be.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself for the relationship ending. Use this as a lesson to work on yourself and remedy your own security. Breaking contact is for you own good! You can begin that process of self realization which you have lost in trying to mend a broken relationship.

 

And please don't be naive - he is saying he doesn't want anyone else now, but that can quickly change and he is free and able to move on because he is not in a relationship with you. You will be the one hurting in the end.

 

I really suggest you stop talking to him, it's not helping the situation.

[Dottieflanogon]

The only person we can change is ourselves. Maybe, if he was committed to changing, you could give your relationship another go? but i think a little time apart is a good thing...it will help you decide whether or not you want to share your lives together

[j.man]

Guy's done with you as far as being your boyfriend is concerned. Just because he's not going around dating other women doesn't mean he's going to go back to you. You probably have a number of great qualities that he doesn't mind being around, but he's enjoying his freedom away from actually being committed to you and the drama. He's under no obligation to entertain your fights or work out any issues. As far as he's concerned, you two can talk, you can hang out, you can cuddle, but you aren't going to be a thing. He has already given it two shots and isn't, in his mind, going to make the mistake of giving it a third.

 

There are only two ways I've ever seen reconciliation go:

 

1. Going back to square one. Like... literally. That means no exclusivity, no sex, no daily contact, and you two are going on dates once a week like when you first started out. You build back up in a healthy progression to re-establish the trust.

2. You simply go back to how things were. Big thing here is the commitment is reinstated and has been explicitly expressed and agreed to.

 

These half measures such as the one you're going through only serve the purpose of one or both keeping the void filled until they've either found someone else or feel comfortable enough to be alone.

 

We all learn. Unfortunately, the people with whom we make these big mistakes we've learned from rarely stick around-- and very understandably so.

 

Make a clean break and take some time off. Take the lessons you've learned to grow on your own for a bit and make the next guy very lucky.

[Raoul]

He doesn't trust you. From the sounds of things he's wise not to.

 

You allowed your own drama to go a long way to killing the relationship. You say you are both willing to try. But then you snap at him for what you admit were a bad reason.

 

Just because he's not dating another woman or other women is not a sign that he's waiting to come back to you.

 

Neither one of you is treating the other well.

[whybeautiful]

j.mann, I agree that these are the two ways reconciliation can go. How do I ask him for the first one? Or do I just make it happen by limiting staying ove r and asking for dates. Or do I just ask to get back together? Shouldn't there be some type of build up with option 2?

 

He says that he wants to be with me but he's not sure if he can trust this to work...

He doesn't trust me bc of the jealousy thing but he admits that he sees that I've gotten better. He's scared that its just an act. The other thing is the lack of sex. He doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship. Neither do I. But he doesn't necessarily trust me regarding that either...

[jessie89]

You stopped having sex with him out of spite and you continuously caused drama and accused him of things he hadn't done. I don't blame the guy because I've been in his exact shoes. My ex constantly accused me of crazy things. He was constantly paranoid that I'd even glance at another man. He too stopped having sex with me and made me feel horrendous and ugly. And then had the nerve to complain that the passion had died. I walked away and I'm glad I did before it destroyed me completely. Your best shot is dissapearing from his life and seeing whether he realises he wants you back or not. If he doesn't then take from this and learn for your next relationship.