What is acceptable?

[Greenoe]

My wife and I are both 27. Long story short we have different moral ideas when it comes to relationships and it becomes difficult.

 

My wife has a friend who is a policeman. He is the typical jock type. They dated in highschool.

 

Recently, my wife was at a bachelorette party and jokingly invited him to join the girls in his uniform , bring his handcuffs and strip. They flirtingly joked back and forth a few times, my wife inquiring a few times as to what 'he was up to' and suggesting that he should stop by the party.

 

As a husband, am I overreacting that my wife would even joke in this way? Or is this just party shenanigans?

 

This is a guy that before we were married, caused tension as he kept bringing up their past together in my presence, so I may be bitter.

greenoe is offline

[RainyCoast]

she's something, aint she.

 

she has a sexual past with him, reason one to keep him away. caused tension between you two in the past, reason two to keep him away. she's shooting innuendos/invitations his way, while friggin married.

 

duh. way out of line.

[Greenoe]

Thanks RainyCoast, sums up how I feel.

[Seraphim]

Why get married if you have completely different moral codes? That is one of the core things that you should have the same.

[Seraphim]

And yeah she is cruising for trouble.

[Greenoe]

We got married out of college. As time has gone on, I have realized that what was important to me then, was more superficial than having actually found my other half. I wanted to have 'the' relationship, but didn't realize how many components went into being happy in that relationship until years later. If that makes sense. I should also have been more keen into what I wanted.

 

There are many stories like this that have occurred during our relationship. I've tried to understand and support her friendships with other guys, but it's beginning to make me unhappy and resent her.

[RainyCoast]

then, at this point, i'd let her chose between counseling and an atty.

[Greenoe]

This was her response when I confronted her about it:

 

'The bachelors' guy friend came over and jokingly offered to strip too. Everyone was just having a good time, Stop being so insecure. It's really not attractive'

[RainyCoast]

being a promiscuous s!ut and blatantly disrespecting her own marriage isn't attractive. why is she seducing him now? or is that also just your insecurity?

 

are you going to be placated by her downputting occlusions of responsibility and normal conduct?

 

let's take a turn here: what would you like to see come out of this situation, and how?

[Greenoe]

One way or another I'm being insecure.

 

I want to know if, since nothing actually came of it, am I being insecure with my own self by not putting my foot down in response to her calling me unattractive for being uncomfortable with the texts

 

or am I insecure because I'm am jealous of him making this a bigger deal than it needs to be

 

I'm always the one who bends in these situations. I want to know if I should stop bending. It was a few texts that as friends is one thing, but in the context of marriage I feel should be another.

 

What level of 'joking' is appropriate?

[RainyCoast]

i don't think i'm an insecure person. but if my partner acted this way with one of his previous partners i would be feeling insecure.

 

there is pathological insecurity, inherent to the insecure person's deeper issue and not their partner's behavior.

then there is provoked/cirucmstantial insecurity, grown from out the partner's act of offering "your role"/or parts of it, to others.

 

so unless you're in an open relationship, you're not overreacting and her behavior is completely innapropriate.

 

but you mention this being a frequent ocurrence so you'll have to present her with her choices. she's by now gotten used to the idea that she gets to act single because there have never been consequences from your side. she either snaps out of her teen years or it's buh-bye.

[Greenoe]

Thank you, you are the first to explain it to me in that way

[itsallgrand]

I agree with RainyCoast. This is 'situational insecurity' and a lot of people would not be comfortable with the types of behaviors and boundaries she has in this relationship.

Not to mention that she dismisses and belittles your feelings about it. Which is like a double blow.

People do have different levels of comfort about these things, and that's fine, but with a partner there has to be respect on both ends and something reached where both people are happy.

 

I think she's acting like a single chick who is just starting out on the scene tends to act...in other words, she needs to grow up.

[LC8328]

Regardless, the point is that you are obviously concerned about this and she shows no interest in your feelings, or in how to make you feel better, whether it's ceasing with this inappropriate 'joking' or talking you through it. A spouse who respected you would react in a way more like, "I'm sorry. I don't want you to worry about this or have hurt feelings. How can we work this out?"

 

Instead, your feelings are brushed aside. To me this whole thing would be a red flag on the mutual respect that should be present in your marriage.

[Seraphim]

She needs to " grow up" . She is acting like a single party animal.