Do Open Relationships work?

[ElectricSheep123]

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now and from early on I knew that he was a very sexual person. He's older (37 years old, I'm 28. ) Our relationship moved fast and within 2-3 months, we were acting like a couple. I even sleep at his place at least 5 nights a week. He's never made an qualms about his sexual needs, and communicated early on that he prefers to be non-monogamous in his relationships. We said that we would wait until I was comfortable enough before we transitioned into that stage of the relationship. I've always known myself to be jealous and a bit insecure.

 

A few weeks ago, we had a serious talk about us. He said that he was really beginning to care deeply for me, and that he wanted to know now if being open was something that I wanted to do. It makes no sense to continue courting each other and falling for each other, then realizing that we're incompatible where this was concerned. So I said yes, we could start being more open. We set some ground rules in place that we would abide by, and agreed that breaking any of the rules would constitute cheating. Among them:

1. No mutual friends;

2. His hook-ups are not permitted to spend the night at his place;

3. He will never spend the night at their place.

4. Always practice safe sex;

5. No canceling on each other to go hook up;

6. Neither of us would go through with a hook up if the other was uncomfortable with the situation/potential person

7. No secrets.

 

Again, I had never done anything like this before, and I had my doubts. But as a gay man, I've come to know that most guys will cheat. That's just my experience. So I was gaining something by having him being honest with me.

 

A few weeks passed and neither of us had any outside encounters... until this past weekend. My guy flew to another city to go visit friends (he lived there for 6 years before moving to his current city, in which he's lived for 2 years). I expected it to happen, but because it's so new to me, I was a bit scared and apprehensive. On the third night of his visit I asked, "Have you slept with anyone?" He admitted that he went out to a bar and met someone and hooked up with that person. I wasn't angry, but I was uncomfortable, jealous, and a bit hurt. Stranger still, I found myself slightly aroused by his encounter.

 

Again, I'm not upset by it at all. I feel some jealousy knowing he had sex with someone (twice in the same day), while I was thinking of him all weekend. For the record, while he was away in the other city for 4 days, he texted me everyday, at least every 4 hours to say hi, ask how my day was going, send me pics of his activities etc. So he didn't just forget about me. I found out what the guy looks like, because they added each other to facebook. The jealousy has now subsided and we're ok again. I didn't let him know I was uncomfortable.

 

So, I wondering, has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is this bit of jealousy normal and will it subside as we do it more often? And more importantly, can open relationships really work? Please resist the urge to judge us, because that's not what I'm asking. I'm the type of person that likes to try things, and up to this point, although I've been thrown out of my element a bit, I really want to be with him and think that I can make it work.

[Unreasonable]

No personal experience here, if you have doubts, it probably won't work. From what I've seen here over the years, unless both parties are 100% into it, it usually ends in disaster.

[Seraphim]

No experience here either. But if you are not 100% sure I wouldn't go there.

[thejigsup]

Some people, not just men, but mostly men, cannot be monogamous. They just can't. If you are okay with an open relationship, and by the way you described yourself as aroused by the news he gave you, it seems you are, go for it. I have nothing against open relationships as long as they follow parameters much like your relationship has. Someone can love you dearly and still not be monogamous. I know, some people can't see this, but it's true. I have been crazy in love with people and have had sex with others. My last two relationships that did not happen, but I do know you can love and respect someone and take a flier with someone else that is just sex. You do have to be secure to do this, though. I let one of my loves do this with the condition that he gave me all the juicy details after. This wouldn't work for everyone, but it worked for us. If you equate love with faithfulness, you will not be able to do this and you should be honest with him. He cared enough to be honest with you, so be honest with him.

[Batya33]

Wanting to have a variety of sexual partners has nothing to do with being sexual. You can be a very sexual person and be happy with one person. He told you from the beginning that he did not want to be monogamous with you. I am not sure how you both can have multiple partners including one night stands and call that "safe" sex. From the rules you wrote it sounds like you are splitting hairs in an effort to rationalize to yourself that you are ok with this. Spending the night for example, at least to me, doesn't lessen the risk that your partner will get emotionally attached to his sex partner and spending the night doesn't make it a "relationship" -it might just mean he drank too much or is too tired to drive home. And as far as being "uncomfortable" - your partner just had a one night stand without checking whether you were "comfortable" with it -and would you really want him to call you right before having sex to check in with you?

 

I think it can work for two consenting adults who both do not want monogamy and where the ground rules are very few, very simple and where there is trust that if some aspect was not covered you will feel comfortable communicating how to resolve it. For example, my husband and I were always monogamous and exclusive but 2 months into the relationship we had to resolve a situation where he felt uncomfortable with a plan I made and I really never thought of it as he did. We couldn't have come up with a "rule" as to what to do about that.

[DoF]

I hope "get STD test once a month" and "always use protection with or without me" is a rule as well.

 

Personally, it's up to you. I'm SURE many people make it work but I wouldn't expect any kind of deep intimate/love story from this relationship.

 

Personally, sex with no feelings is quite unappealing to me. But it seem like to you and him, it's fine and you both enjoy it. You Can make it work, as long as your feelings don't grow (which is bound to happen as you spend more time together, especially in intimate way).

[Lucia Amman]

I wouldn't call my relationship an open relationship but to some it sounds like it is. I've some very personal believes about cheating and monogamy in general and to me it doesn't feel natural. It's something we made up and yes, our society drives and thrives on it. I do believe in monogamy as the 'best thing' we made up. Yet I can see all it flaws as well and I've a hard time with the general opinion about cheaters and people who want to have an open relationship. At least, to most people I talk to it sounds like they think it's an absurd idea and not something anyone with the right mind would agree to.

 

Now when I started my relationship I was pretty clear on not wanting a monogamous relationship. I don't want to call it an open relationship either. But we started as friends with benefits and I did had more friends like that... My now boyfriend soon became my most favorite person in the world (except for my children that is). So the other friends naturally started to fade away. Since I'm taking care of my children I don't have much time to have regular dates and meet ups with guys I like to see. So somewhere down the road I had to be clear to myself and my other friends that my boyfriend now took first place if I had any free time left.

 

Making it official being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' we had another talk about monogamy and open relationship and my boyfriend was pretty relieved that I dropped the others. From his perspective I could see why he didn't like me sleeping around with others. From my perspective: I don't see a problem with that. So I made a switch. He can do whatever he wants: because that's what I believe and care for. On the other hand to make this relationship I support his views and won't be sleeping with anyone but him.

 

For me the one that does has a problem with some boundaries or loss of them should be met. That I believe that it should be fine to be sleeping around with anyone doesn't mean the other should just follow through. I know he would be hurt. I won't be hurt if he does. So why I would I knowingly and intentionally hurt him?

 

I've zero rules about who he is aloud to sleep with. For one I don't need to know but I'm fine if he tells me too. I generally really don't care what he does when he is away. I believe he can love me all the same and that's what matters to me. Not who he shares a bed with or who he kisses or what not. And I don't care that I cannot do it because I care more about my relationship than my believes.

 

Am I a sexual person? Yes, very much so. But I can handle myself. If I feel any urges I will just run to my boyfriend. Did my boyfriend ever had sex with anyone else but me? No I don't think so. But he once had a date with a girl and I just told him to get condoms and have a nice time. Would I be jealous? Perhaps sometimes. But I think jealousy is a lousy emotion and one I can perfectly overcome.

 

Will this work? Yes. I think you can learn how to have an open relationship and make it work. I do think your boyfriend should take it slow with you and check on you regularly how you still feel about it. It's aloud and ok to change your mind about it anytime you want.

[RainyCoast]

this may sound a bit off topic but....if you only wanted occasional access to someone's penis, why would you add them on facebook?

 

i wouldn't be so sure he only wants multiple sexual partners. and i agree being highly sexual does not equal needing multiple sexual partners. not that this is the pivotal question though. poly-sexual, poly-amorous...most people aren't truly, with certainty comfortable with their partner deeming them replacable.

 

at the end of the day, he told you straight away he has zero intentions of being loyal. i don't care for rules that bend the definition of sexual contact outside the relationship. it's sex with people who are not you. whether you call it cheating or not, you're not feeling very comfortable with that. the fact that you are young may have made him think you'd be easier to twist. tbh, it sounds like you're his boy toy with the added comfort of acting like an actual partner whilst not demanding loyalty in return.

 

some people are cool with this. but it has to be a very strong preference to work, not was beguiled into agreeing with this because i don't want to lose him"--->which is, i think, your true sentiment about it.

 

i could never agree to this type of arrangement and i frankly think you can't either. and i think the guy knows you really want to be with him hence he had the cojones to set the bar for his role in this relationship pretty low.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, I know one couple who successfully have an open relationship. BUT and this is the catch, they were both like that from the get-go. In other words they actually met each other and began dating, because they each knew the other one needed an open relationship. They both do not have a jealous or insecure bone in their bodies. They are both more honest with each other than I am with my friends. And they were open and honest about it from the start of seeing each other. There was no waiting then revealing what they wanted down the road after they'd started to fall for each other.

 

I do not think this is going to work for you though, because you have jealousy issues and you have already shown you are not able to handle this well. I think your agreement is being done under the wrong reasons--i.e. I feel I must accept this in order to gain whatever I can from this man I'm dating and not lose him--rather than an active desire and agreement to also seek sex with other partners.

 

As such I feel he was honest with you to a degree, although I feel he wasn't as honest as he should have been and this is something he should have brought up on the first date, not after he knew you were "hooked" so to speak. Minus points on him for being a wee tad manipulative there. Minus points on you though for agreeing to it and saying you are cool with it when you clearly aren't and likely never will be.

 

My advice if of course that you need to end things now before they go any further, tell him you aren't as cool with this as you thought you'd be, and move on. And no, not all gay men cheat. I know of two gay couples and neither of them has ever cheated on the other. I think like all of us who find ourselves with cheaters we need to simply work harder on spotting red flags and getting out early in the relationship rather than later.

 

BTW I see my friends all having a successful open relationship, but that does not mean I would ever agree to that. I wouldn't, I can't, the one time I foolishly agreed to a similar arrangement much like you it was a disaster, because neither of us was fully honest with the other one from the get-go. And I see the same thing here. Sorry. Sacrificing your own nature and goals and what you need and want for someone else is always a bad idea, always.

 

BTW that one couple is the only open relationship I've ever known to work. I have seen others, all were a total disaster and like I say my own forays into that territory did not go well at all. It takes a very specific mindset and frankly I don't see that either of you have or had it to begin with.

[Moontiger]

I don't think this is the right se up for you. You are uncomfortable, something no one should be in a relationship. It sounds to me like you two are just not compatible.

 

For the record I have never seen an open relationship work. I've seen stories here on ENA about them working. But, IRL, I've seen many couples try and non successes.

[ElectricSheep123]

The reason why I'm asking is that I actually want it. My confusion was how to reconcile this discomfort with my obvious arousal to his outside relations. I was never sad, depressed or upset about it. But I did say that I was turned on by the prospect.

 

I'm always a person to try anything once, and since I'm out of my comfort zone, I was wondering if this feeling would subside. Him and I have fooled around together with a third person before, although this only happened once. Saturday night, while my guy was in another city, I went out with friends and got touchy-feely with a guy on the dance floor. We just didn't go any further. But this whole idea that my guy tricked me into things, that I'm doing it because I don't want to lose him, and that I am devastated is not accurate. I have been in 5 relationships in the past, and 4 of them have ended in me being cheated on. And after I found out, I was devastated at the betrayal. But now, if my expectations are being set, I can better manage my emotions. Frankly, I am becoming more aligned with the ideology that it is absurd to be totally committed sexually to just one person for the rest of your life. I guess that's why more than half of marriages end in divorce and infidelity.

 

So many people try things they've never tired before and after a period of discomfort realize that they love it. Sex and love are not the same. I know two close friends of mine that are in open relationships: all parties in these relationships are on hook-up apps. Yet they are the most loving, perfect couple you'll ever see. One relationship has been 7 years, the other is reaching 10 years in a couple months.

 

I cannot tell you how many "straight" guys I've messed around with. Hardly anyone is faithful these days, and if you guys believe that, then you're naive. But maybe your experiences are just different than mine. I'm not downplaying monogamy, but I feel that to not get hurt, I am going to try and experience a new form of relationship. And since it's new, there are things that I need to overcome to enjoy it more. And in the end, I can at least say that I tried.

 

To rainy coast: the guy lives in another city hours away. I doubt anything is going to happen.

[Dottieflanogon]

Without exclusive commitment, every dispute within a relationship takes on a jealousy factor that dooms the relationship to failure in almost every case. Never mind the health issues of multiple partners on both sides...

[TMifune]

Everyone cheats. Cheating is painful. I'm going to agree with my partner that he can "cheat" without consequence, that way when it eventually hurts me he can now say I'm not allowed to be hurt because I agreed to it. Priceless.

[Batya33]

Sure, you can tell yourself "I signed up for this so it's unrealistic to feel hurt" but your feelings are your feelings and while you can choose the reaction to your feelings (i.e. you won't express anger against your partner if he has sex with a stranger, since you told him it was ok to do that) trying to change your values just by changing the rules probably won't work. Nor will taking a more cynical view of love/relationships. As far as going out of your comfort zone -sure - but that's not a black/white issue -you still need to balance the risks of going out of your comfort zone against the benefits. You know this already -you came up with a list of very specific rules your partner needs to follow in your sexual arrangement - why have the rules if you're open to "trying anything once?"

 

Be honest with yourself and resist the temptation to rationalize or generalize about "everyone cheats" (and, no, the divorce rate is not necessarily connected to infidelity- many reasons why marriages fail, many awesome reasons to get married IMO).

[mhowe]

Everyone cheats. Cheating is painful. I'm going to agree with my partner that he can "cheat" without consequence, that way when it eventually hurts me he can now say I'm not allowed to be hurt because I agreed to it. Priceless.

 

I agree. Saying "I know and accept that you will cheat" doesn't mean that you won't still feel....cheated on.

[rosephase]

Hi! I've been in a non-mongmaous relationship for 10+ years. I live with two of my partners and have a long distance partner. I love it and could never be monogamous. That isn't to say I didn't struggle when my boyfriend first started sleeping with his girlfriend. Honestly it sounds like you are handling this really well. Of course you are going to have some feelings. This is new and strange and our culture holds up sexual fidelity as one of the only signs of real committed love. That stuff is hard to get out of your head, even if this style of relationship is right for you.

 

So the first thing I would say is you should tell your boyfriend about how you were feeling and about how you processed through your feelings. You don't need to hide that it's a struggle, you just started this and it isn't a simple switch and honestly you are doing great. Keep your lines of communication open and honest.

 

This is a really great poly community (they are based more around long term romantic and sexual relationships but they talk about all kinds of non-mongamy): link removed

 

They might be easier to talk to then folks here (who are awesome but often very monogamously minded).

 

I have never looked back when it comes to monogamy but that doesn't mean it wasn't a bumpy road. It takes a lot of commutation, a lot of self knowledge and a lot of taking responsibility for your own insecurities and fears. It has been hard work but it has helped me turn into a person I respect and a partner that can love my people without trying to control or possess them.

[Batya33]

I disagree that monogamy is about controlling or possessing just like an open arrangement is about having sex with as many people as possible. I think the OP should give it a chance only if he works on being honest with himself, stops the amount of rationalizing he is doing and doesn't indulge in stale statistics about marriage/commitment to convince himself (same for the "I have to try everything once" -of course not).

 

Certainly if his goal is to be happy about having an open arrangement then he should put in all the work and effort he can just like people who want marriage often have to do the same. In his situation I think he might have a hard time getting that kind of time to communicate with his partner, who seems focused right now on going out to find random hook ups. Since he told him from the get go that that was his plan I'm not sensing there is going to be a lot of effort put in on his partner's side- more take it or leave it seems to me.

[RainyCoast]

To rainy coast: the guy lives in another city hours away. I doubt anything is going to happen.

that's funny. i thought we were discussing the fact that between this guy/and other guys and your boyfriend things have happened and will be happening.

 

in any case, let us know how it goes.

 

i would be very interested in hearing whether your jealousy and discomfort turned out to have been of a passing nature, and overriden by the arousal. I would especially be interested to learn how satisfied a person with seemingly far greater emotional investment in the relationship than their partner can be in the arrangement - with or without auxiliary sexual partners.

 

judging by your threads about him on here, the past 4 months have been full of distrust, doubt and discomfort for you.

-

Last week I did something I shouldn't have. My guy left the apartment to run an errand and he left his Facebook open. I checked his messages and what I read really hurt me. He was messaging his ex asking to see him and telling him how much he loves and misses him.

-

Caught him on a sex app, used a fake profile to test him...

-

I probed and wouldn't stop probing until he confessed to me: my friend that was hosting the BBQ is actually an ex of his, and a couple weeks ago, when we had that huge fight and I ended things with him, they hooked up and had sex.Was it all my fault that he had sex with someone else? And my friend at that?!

 

 

yes, this is beautiful. poetry. you're totally diggin it.

[rosephase]

I wasn't saying monogamy is controlling or possessing. It isn't for some people. Being non-mongamous helped -me- be less controlling and possessing. And while I don't know the OP and I don't know his boyfriend I see a guy who is actively trying to find a way to make the relationship work. They came up with rules. They sat down and talked about it. They are working together to figure it out. It does seem clear that for the OP partner non-mongamy is part of being with him but it sounds like they are thinking about it, talking about it and feeling about it like adults. \

 

I don't think the OP should ignore his feelings but I keep seeing him say that it turns him on and he likes it. I don't think telling him that it won't work because he ran into some hard feelings the first time his boyfriend hooked up with someone else is fair. Our society programs us to value sexual and romantic monogamy and even if that doesn't work for someone (like me) it can be hard to start to dismantle a life time of that style of thinking.

 

The first time my partner had sex with someone else I was devastated. I cried and felt so scared and like I was messing up and risking the best person who had ever walked into my life. The first 6-9 months of him falling in love were scary. Now? Now I love it when my partners are connecting sexually. That means they are happy and getting their needs met. It took awhile for me to redefine what a good relationship can look like, and that was knowing for sure that I couldn't function ethically and monogamously. So it takes time and effort and it hurts a long the way... like most relationships. But it is so worth it for me.

 

Anyone who would want to date me would have to be open to non-mongamy. It isn't a threat, it's just a reality of the way my life, love and sex are shaped. It can seem a little "my way or the highway" but honestly it's just good boundaries. The OP sounds both willing and open to trying having some hard feelings shouldn't get in the way of that. Doing this work is not simple.

 

I do think the pathology of "well he will cheat anyway" isn't super healthy and shouldn't be the reasoning behind attempting an open relationship. But the dude has some baggage from past relationships. That happens. And a great way to face that baggage might be to do something like this with his boyfriend.

[agent1607307371]

Just like regular monogamy flavoured relationships, I've seen them work very well, and I've seen them go down in flames and screaming. What matters most is your ability to communicate with each other. Really communicate. And not use it to play games.

 

 

If you had the chance to hook up with someone else, would you take it?

[ElectricSheep123]

Just like regular monogamy flavoured relationships, I've seen them work very well, and I've seen them go down in flames and screaming. What matters most is your ability to communicate with each other. Really communicate. And not use it to play games.

 

 

If you had the chance to hook up with someone else, would you take it?

 

Of course I would. Everyone is reading it as me being at home pining for him while he goes on his conquests. Of course I would take the opportunity. There are guys at my gym right now that I'm eyeing. And as stated before, my guy and I have messed around with another guy once.

[Batya33]

"And a great way to face that baggage might be to do something like this with his boyfriend."

 

I think a great way to get over being cheated on in past relationship or seeing a loved one cheated on is to be courageous and have a clean slate approach to getting to know another person as much as possible -certainly taking things at a reasonable pace consistent with comfort level - but how amazing it would be if he could accomplish that without bias getting in the way and see how awesome commitment could be.

 

Of course if he is so turned on by the idea of having multiple sex partners that he can't see being with one person then he will have to do the same work to trust another person to adhere to the various rules he's come up with for an open arrangement. In his case his partner of only 4 months already betrayed him by having sex with a random guy at a bar without checking with him first to see if it was ok with him (that was one of his rules). So far he's confirmed that his new partner is not behaving consistently with the rules they came up with.

[Batya33]

Of course I would. Everyone is reading it as me being at home pining for him while he goes on his conquests. Of course I would take the opportunity. There are guys at my gym right now that I'm eyeing. And as stated before, my guy and I have messed around with another guy once.

 

Sounds like fun. Just figure out whether the fun of the hook up is worth the downsides of this arrangement.

[agent1607307371]

Just to add:

 

Open relationships will not protect you from cheating, will not protect you from people being shady. I had a boyfriend a long time ago who was allll about open relationships. So I said, ok I'll give it a try. And the first time he hooked up with someone, I was fine. No jealousy or worry or anything (he was a different story altogether). He told me he hooked up, I said ok. That was it. Then he started hooking up with people in his friend group and hiding it. By the terms of our relationship - cheating. Specifically going against terms we'd consciously set down for our relationship, not just assumed as a lot of And let me tell you, in a way it's more painful than when you're cheated on in a mono relationship. Because they have no reason to hide this. It's no self-protection, not an attempt to keep a relationship that would otherwise end, no trying to spare the other person's feelings involved in it if it comes out...

[RainyCoast]

um. so as long as he calls this an open relationship then distrust, snooping, maiming with a fake profile and the boyfriends lingering feelings for his ex are no probs and this sounds like fun. but anyone else who posts on here with the same story, convincing themselves they should stay with their partner is warned of a disaster in progress.

 

honestly, i can't even keep a straight face anymore. i must be having an off day.