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My girlfriend got a dog without my consent, and it's breaking us up

Austin D

By Austin D
in Relationship Advice

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Austin D Newbie

Austin D

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My girlfriend got a Pomeranian, intentionally when I was out of the country.

 

First off, our relationship has been off on for 6 years now. Me taking the step to move to her house was a big and difficult one, leaving my loved ones and house behind.

 

As a compensation for moving away from my children, we took a long 6-week vacation to visit family. My misses did not want to come and said she could not afford to.

 

The last conversation we had before me leaving was me saying; just because you miss me, don't go out and get a dog.

The second to last conversation we had was her telling me it's now about us and our mutual decisions, not me and mine, you and yours...

 

I hate dogs! I resent dogs! all dogs. I had dogs growing up, and as an adult I made a firm choice not to date a woman who was a dog owner. Is like one of my only weird non-negotiable issues.

 

I know she didn't get the dog out of evilness, or willingly trying to ruin our relationship before it started, as I have just moved into her house and now live with her kids, leaving my house and my kids behind.

 

I truly believe she is ignorant, egotistical, and naive as a person. As her right, being a single parent of 3, in her 40's. There's a lifelong story making her into what she is. And most of it I can see through, and love unconditionally.

 

But this dog situation is really hurting us. It's hurting my integrity, and our relationship is taking a dump as of now. She resents me for resenting the dog, and any form of constructive criticism is now turning into a stalemate, as there is no solution.

 

I thought of two solutions,

one, get rid of the dog, or you are actually choosing it over devoted and unconditional love from me

second, not mentioned, I go out and get a dog. But catch 22, I hate dogs.

 

when I moved in, my kids and I wanted to keep our family cat. He was the most cuddly cute thing, and we're all very attached to him. she would not allow it, as she didn't want to have to clean up hair after it.

 

so we had to part with our pet, in her defence not wanting to clean up cat hair.

 

but instead, she's cleaning up dog piss all over the place, newspapers in a new part of the house every week... cleanup on a daily basis, and the occasional puke here and there... not forgetting wet dog smell all over the place.

 

I think there is no out. It's a total stalemate.

 

I have kept to myself in an office room since forever. Now receiving criticism for not being a part of the family, I've tried to explain that it's all related to being intentionally excluded on the whole 15+ years dog decision

 

please help me, as the only option as I see it is to move out before we even get the chance to try out our relationship

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Limiya Enthusiast

Limiya

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She disrespects you completely. You're being walked over.

Looks like you've made all the compromises and she's made none.

 

If you allow this, you'll just get more of the same.

Maybe this just shows how much you really mean to her.

She doesn't appreciate you at all.

 

Sorry to hear this.

Limiya

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Austin D Newbie

Austin D

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I think she believes since you left your kids to move in with her, that she has all the control and holds all the cards. Maybe you're shown her no matter what she does, you'll stay and take it from her.

 

Thank you all for replying, and keep doing so...

 

There is so much to this story, to type it out would be a freaking book

 

 

And to concur, I agree with all of the above comments! She's is def fi neatly showing me what's what, and I'm not it!

 

I was perhaps hoping someone here could give me some encouraging advise as to handle it, or to even change myself into a better person.

My love for her is unconditional, as her faults are many and I want her still the same.

 

But I truly believe her love for me is conditional, making my skillsets and effort into her life a positive... and my lack of engagement a huge negative. Now that I am feeling out of my element, stripped off my integrity, a hint of abandonment and a lot of procrastination on my behalf it's turning this into a bad cycle of resentment.

 

But I love her. And have gone through a lot of pain over a time span of 6 years to finally try a life with her.

I find it very saddening to give up without trying, and to bail on something one wants so much

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Austin D Newbie

Austin D

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Underhanded passive aggressive behavior. Move back to where your kids live.

 

That's exactly what my sister says about her... she's a psychologist...

 

One can only use friends and family for so much. Talking about spouse issues is not necessarily a good thing, as it tends to bring a negative aspect to their perception of the person, in general, making family get to gathers and friend hookups negatively colored.

 

That's why I really appreciate stumbling over this forum

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alli Collaborator

alli

Posted
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Can you get your cat back? It's only fair that if she gets to have a pet you don't like, that you get to have your pet that she doesn't like.

 

I can understand why you aren't crazy about dogs. They are ok but personally I'm not really interested in owning one. Many of them are too high energy for me and I really hate it when they jump up at me repeatedly. Especially when they have dirt all over their paws & get it all over my clothes. Also, I've never walked a dog that will actually walk beside me. I know this is something that you can train dogs to do, but no one I know (who let me walk their dog at least) was actually able to train their dogs to do that. I hate it when I'm trying to walk them & they are pulling hard on my arm the whole time. Also, toys covered in saliva. Yuck.

 

Anyway, like I said I think I'm similar to you in that I don't really like them, but you could learn to tolerate it. It's probably a friendly dog & since it's small it's easier to clean up after & isn't as destructive as larger dogs can be.

 

However, the core issue is that she disregarded your wishes & did what she wanted, while not allowing you to do the same. I don't think I would want to continue dating someone who valued my wishes so little.

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Limiya Enthusiast

Limiya

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So what are you going to do about it?

She knows it bothers you. You're separating yourself in a different room. Yet she knew this is not something you wanted. Now she's trying to make you feel guilty for it?

hmmm. I guess you can just give in and accept it. It's what she expects from you.

 

If i were you i'd be furious and seriously consider my place in this family. You can't really change people like this. I think you'll forever be the one giving most in this relationship.

She probably thought she'd get the dog anyway and you'll learn to like it in time.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what to do. But unless you're firm then i think you may as well get used to it.

Sorry.

Limiya

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agent1607307371 Experienced

agent1607307371

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As a compensation for moving away from my children...

 

when I moved in, my kids and I wanted to keep our family cat. He was the most cuddly cute thing, and we're all very attached to him. she would not allow it, as she didn't want to have to clean up hair after it.

 

 

If you moved in with her, and left your kids, how could she make you get rid of the cat? Why didn't it just stay with the kids?

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bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

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I thought of two solutions,

one, get rid of the dog, or you are actually choosing it over devoted and unconditional love from me

second, not mentioned, I go out and get a dog. But catch 22, I hate dogs.

 

If those are the two possible solutions you came up with, I'd say you both have a lot to learn about communicating, not just her.

It was your choice to leave your kids to pursue an on-again-off-again relationship. It sounds like you resent her for it. And it sounds like she is equally as disrespectful to you.

 

Maybe it would be best for both of you to get out of this relationship.

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ParisPaulette Rising Star

ParisPaulette

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Well, I suppose you could just continue on letting her call all the shots while you and you alone try to make it "work" and get more walked on. Or maybe you could do what I did with my six years on/off relationship and finally just admit that it doesn't work, because you two are not compatible and the relationship is not one of equals. That no matter what you do it will never work out, because good relationships take two people, not just one.

 

If it were me I'd be packing and moving back to my kids. Why on earth did you leave them in the first place? It sounds like you've done everything to please her, but not the other way around? How is that working out for you? What are you doing for work, how old are your kids, who is with them now??? Too many things unknown here, but the bottom line is you can complain about her all day and if you do nothing, nothing will change.

 

I don't think you realize or think you have any power at all in the relationship, but that's not really true. Would she keep the dog if you packed your bags and told her since she wasn't going to make an effort neither are you and you just be done. I mean, I once moved to be with someone, found out it was going to be a nightmare as soon as I moved in, and left three weeks later because I just wasn't willing to isolate myself and be a doormat. And at the time I'd gone through heck to be with the guy, had invested a lot, left my kids briefly, the whole nine yards. But no way was I going to stay no matter what I felt for the guy, because I simply didn't sign up for what I found when I got there. And honestly it was one of the smartest best things I ever did. You may want to think about that, but it sounds like this great life you thought you'd have with her isn't working any better, worse even, that when you all were long distance. And that's pretty much the nail in the coffin even if you aren't there to admitting it yet.

 

So yeah, you may want to think about why she's got such a noose around your neck. I'd have just packed up and left already since she apparently is deliberately not training the dog so it'll piss and puke on everything. That's just neglect of the poor dog and frankly I think it's on purpose. I mean dogs and cats are not willingly messy animals, they're quite clean if they are properly cared for and trained. But if they are neglected and/or are frightened or upset by their owners and surroundings they do those things out of protest. It sounds to me like the dog knows she doesn't really love it or want it there, it's just a weird game to get at you. Too bad there's not a CPS for animals or I'd say make that call.

 

Get out now before she comes home with a pit bull that's willing to take bites out of you every chance it gets is all I'm saying.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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First off, our relationship has been off on for 6 years now

 

Okay, that tells you something right there? Why should she consult you on some decisions if you guys are on again off again and can't really get it together. Her household with her kids come first.

 

I truly believe she is ignorant, egotistical, and naive as a person. As her right, being a single parent of 3, in her 40's. There's a lifelong story making her into what she is. And most of it I can see through, and love unconditionally.

 

"there's a lifelong story making her into she is?" You don't respect her at all. There are some people that are single mothers through no fault of their own sometimes and not by plan. That statement implies you don't respect her. You have kids and are single and not married to their mother, so you can say the same thing about you.

 

As a single mother of three who manages her own household, she is entitled to get a dog if she would like that kind of companionship and if she thinks that is best for her kids if she owns the house. I am sorry that you had to give up your cat, but you could have decided that you would live nearby and not in with her if the cat was that important to you.

 

Go back to be with your kids and get the cat back.

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Lucia Amman Contributor

Lucia Amman

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Unconditional love for your partner is a great thing as long as your partner deserves it. I presume most of us parents feel unconditional love for their children too. Yet if your children behaved like this and bought a dog while we're on vacation what would most of us do? Keep the dog? No I think we would bring the dog back or try to sell it. Even if we LOVE dogs, our kids can NOT go out on themselves and decide for the whole family to get a dog. It's not their place and they need to respect the rules of the house. If our kids get older and into some sort of criminal activity or become drugs addict must of will show them tough love. We don't go out and about and pamper them with care and love. We go out and about and put them in a rehabilitation centrum or get their a$s out of the street. This is what unconditional love means. We take care of them. But not beyond the point that we're ok they hurt us or put us in harms way.

 

What you're doing with your girlfriend is just being a doormat. It's not love. You make yourself dependent on her love and affection. That's abuse. We wouldn't let our children abuse us this way, then don't make your girlfriend do it either!

 

Unconditional love is great but you seriously need to show her your boundaries. Show her to respect you. That's what a relationship is about. You two are in a relationship and to some point she does needs to respect you and know how to treat you. Sometimes loving someone means that we need to leave them. You two probably have the wrong dynamic and I don't think you're the best person for her. By staying by her side no matter what is only showing her that she gets the doormats for partners. Her partners are never good enough. She needs a man. Not a boy. She needs a father for her kids but also for your own kids. She doesn't need to raise your kids nor does she needs another child in her house (that being you) who puts up with her decisions no matter what.

 

You're acting like her child. Not her lover. This dynamic will eventually break down your very relationship with her. With being the doormat you're slowly dissolving this relationship into garbage she can throw away sooner or later. She doesn't need someone who can't stand up for themselves. Why would she?

 

Show her unconditional love. Get rid of the dog. Or move out. It are two options and the last boundaries you have here.

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thejigsup Experienced

thejigsup

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You would leave her over a dog? Really?? Sounds like she upgraded. I don't like dogs at all, but I wouldn't break up with a guy if he got a dog. There are bigger issues out there to break up over. Put on your big boy pants, come out of your self-imposed, childish, isolation, and either get with the program or leave. Those are your choices. keep the dog, it wasn't his idea to come live with you guy, it's not his fault. GROW UP!!!! Her house, her rules.

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rakelloo Rookie

rakelloo

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Austin,

 

You said you wanted some advice on how to handle it......... Well this is what I think.... Firstly I dont think its right for her to get a dog, if she told you too get rid of your cat because of the mess it makes. Your kids loved that cat, so it's not right for her to get a dog especially if she said that your cuddly cat makes mess, A giant dog also makes mess too yano! I also understood when you said you loved her.But here is when you draw the line...... You need to sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that the last 6 years with her have been an uphill climb and you dont just want to throw it all away. But things have to change, tell her a relationship is 50/50 and its a give and take situation on both sides. Therefore (Take her hand at this point, smile at her) and say that although a dog is suppost to be man's best friend, you are her best friend and she doesnt need any type of pet to prove that. Tell her if she must keep the dog, is there a chance you can bring your cuddly cat back? Tell her how much your kids adored it and how much it meant to you. When you said about you find it saddening if you dont give it a try..... Well is there a chance you could try and bond with this dog? (Like I said mans best friend) you never know you might make a friend.

 

If you love her tell her the above and see what her response is.... But know this if she doesnt, understand you, respect you and love you too! then this relationship your in is

never going to work ( trust me I've been there, one day you'll realise whilst spending time with this girl, someone else could of loved you the same back as you've loved them) Something for you to thing about, remember what I said it's 50/50 not 30/70 she has to put the effort in too.... Remember you deserver to be happy just as much as she does..

 

Let us know how you get on......

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