Caught drinking when he doesn't like it... Twice...

[Whiteflame297]

Ok. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. But we were talking for about a month before. We met via my brother because he was friends with him on one of this games he plays on his computer. (We're both 21. I'm two days older.) BUT, he lived 4 hours away. We had some issues. One being that he lived so far away, the second he is self conscious and sensitive and the third was he hates drinking. And I knew this. (((EVEN THOUGH one of the first days we were talking he sent me a snapchat of him holding a half empty bottle of rum and the caption said "when you're alone and drinking".))) I was feeling down So one day my coworkers were planning on going to one of the girls houses to drink. I told him this but I told him that I was just going to support a friend. No drinking. Which admittidly, was a lie... I went. Drank. Nothing happened. Came home when I was sober. And when I got home I had no intention of telling my boyfriend because I knew he would take it badly. But later that night my concience got the better of me and I told him. He didn't get mad but he was very upset. Didn't talk to me for a day. Said his "opinions didn't matter" to me. But I promised not to do it again and he forgave me. I think... So a few months go by. I move to his city because I was going to get kicked out of my parents house anyway and I chose to move there to be closer to him. But, this Sunday I was really upset because of my family and I hadn't seen him for a couple days and I just really needed a drink. But I don't have an ID with me. So I messaged a friend on Facebook if she would send me a care package (with alcohol) and I would send her a check for it. Later that night. I asked if he would ever consider drinking with me. He said no of course so I dropped it. The day after I felt very bad and was planning to tell him that I asked my friend for a care package. But... He found out first... He got pissed this time. I didn't. I listened to him and apologized. I took full responsibility for my actions. I accepted it. It's been two days. He won't come over. He is short when he texts me. With replies like "oh ok" or my special favorite "why?". I'm giving him space. Now it's been four days. I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him. Iv tried breaking up with him. Iv tried telling him I love him. Iv tried turning my phone off. He isn't getting any better. Yesterday I was a mess, cried all day. Finally I caved in my "I'll leave you alone" strategy. And I begged him to come over and see me. I BEGGED. And his answer was "why". That tore me apart. He obviously doesn't want to see me. He doesn't want me to talk to him. But if I do that then he says "no don't go"... What am I supposed to do. I'm dying over here. I need to see him. I need him to be here with me. I don't know what to do...

Advice would be greatly appreciated...

 

Sincerely,

J

[mhowe]

This isn't a relationship, it is a dysfunctional mess.

 

You barely know this guy. He doesn't like drinking, but you drink whenever you want and try and hide it. You got kicked out of your house, so moved to be closer to him.

 

And now you are cajoling him to even speak to you.

 

I think you need to focus on getting your life on track and not deal with his manipulative ways.

[RainyCoast]

But, this Sunday I was really upset because of my family and I hadn't seen him for a couple days and I just really needed a drink. But I don't have an ID with me.

no, you needed a coping mechanism for stress. seriously needing a drink hints at addiction.

 

So I messaged a friend on Facebook if she would send me a care package (with alcohol) and I would send her a check for it.

that is going very far to get a drink.

 

so, and i honestly don't mean to sound rude, it kinda sounds like you have a bit of a drinking problem. i find it a little surprising for a guy to be so adamant about his girlfriend touching alcohol, unless a)he's difficult/controlling or b)he thinks you have an issue with alcohol and need to abstain completely or else it's a deal-breaker. it actualy sounds like b tbh.

 

what was the problem with your family? is it related to your drinking or is it the stressor that tipped you off to start resorting to booze?

 

do you have your own place?

[ParisPaulette]

First off, what's with all the control issues this guy has involving alcohol? I don't normally see that unless alcoholism, his or someone close to him, has been involved. And two, are you sure alcohol is really the issue or is he simply using it as a control mechanism on you? Either one is a pretty big red flag. As to the way he handles upsets, well he's obviously not rational and this is who he is. If it's not a style of confrontation and punishment through the silent treatment that you can handle and be fine with then you need to end things. 'Cause that's only going to get worse.

 

Either he isn't telling you why he hates alcohol or he doesn't at all and he's just using it to push your boundaries and see how much control you will relinquish to him. And neither of these speak to a loving, sane, NORMAL relationship. And I have that suspicion, because his behaviors with you do not match the picture you saw of him with a bottle of booze. Again, that doesn't match up with people I've known who really had an issue with drinking. Are you sure this isn't simply his way of trying to push boundaries to see what controls you will or won't relinquish to him???

 

My advice? Give him the silent treatment back until he comes to you. And then you sit him and down and you tell him to give you a more definitive answer for why he doesn't like alcohol. And see if it's anything rational--I.e. don't prompt him with "is it a relative drinking" or anything, because you don't want him pulling some story you gave him the idea for, but rather the real reason.

 

And if it's not rational please understand that every time he doesn't "like" something you do this is the treatment you're going to get. Which means you'll sell away pieces of yourself until you're essentially sitting in a chair behind closed doors terrified to do anything for fear of angering him. And does that sound like the kind of relationship you want? No? Well, it's what he's already started grooming you to accept, so I suggest you don't accept it.

 

Tell him once, very clearly when and if he chooses to come back (and if he doesn't then block and delete and good riddance to insanity I say) that you will not tolerate silent treatment, that it is dealbreaker for you and if he chooses not to have a rational discussion with you that's fine, but it will be the end of you both. And I say this, because I don't really like heavy drinking either, my father was an alcoholic, it runs in my family, BUT a) I can tell the difference between a glass of wine or beer and a problem drinker and b) I've never done to anyone what this guy is doing to you--not even with people that had clear drinking problems.

 

He's not being sane or rational about this and honestly you aren't either. Do you really think it's okay for someone to punish you by way of the silent treatment simply because you want one drink???

[lostandhurt]

Why is alcohol such a big part of your life? "I just really NEEDED a drink" Going to great lengths to get alcohol, drinking and then hiding the fact.

 

This is what you should be worried about, not this guy you have been dating a short time.

 

You like to drink and he doesn't like drinking. That is a dealbreaker isn't it?

 

Leave the guy alone and focus on your life and your choices. Wanting a drink and needing a drink are two different things. This is your life and your choices to make, not his. If you want to get drunk everyday that is your choice and if doesn't like drinking his choice (which it seems he has made) is to break up with you.

 

Lost

[ParisPaulette]

I did forget to add that with your own drinking though, yes when you feel you "need" a drink that is exactly the time you shouldn't. Now, I don't know if you have a problem with alcohol or if this is just knowing you can't drink without it upsetting this guy has suddenly upped your desire to drink, to sort of treat it with a defiant, "I'm gonna 'cause I know you don't want me to," or what.

 

None of that is healthy either. I'd take it as a clear sign also that this relationship is toxic to you and end things. Then see if you still have that same need to drink or if it fades. If you still have it then you need to get that addressed and handled as a separate issue. I originally was trying to focus only on your relationship, but in looking back over what you've said that comment about needing a drink stood out.

 

So that's my take on that as well. I do hope it all works out for you, but please take some steps back and really look at a) why this is such a problem b) how he handles disagreements in general and c) your drinking and whether it really is an issue, a defiance thing, or what the heck that's all about.

 

My suspicion is all three are tied in together, but without knowing both of you all I can go on is what you've written here. But yeah, you feel you need a drink, time to step as far away from it as you can. That is the mindset of which alcoholism can find it's way in, not always, not the only reason, but definitely a start down that unlovely garden path.

[thejigsup]

I hate smoking and drinking and won't date men who either drink or smoke. BUT, I don't tell them they can't. I prefer not to control the actions of others. If I "catch them" drinking I break up with them, but tell them they "can't"? No way. Your bf is trying to control you. Leave him and work on yourself, instead.

[ThatwasThen]

Why do you even want to be with someone who doesn't like drinking when you have a drinking problem?

 

Work on being able to quit the booze and let him go. Neither of you are the right fit for the other. He is codependent in nature and instead of just breaking up with you, tries to change you while playing the games he is playing with you. He doesn't grasp the concept yet that the only person he can actually succeed at changing is HIMSELF. That goes for you too so get cracking on making some positive changes to your life. Do it for YOU.

Stop crying and look into AA for what ails you. At your age, I'm quite sorry to read that you are on your way to being as washed up as you paint yourself to be.

[RainyCoast]

op, in any case, you need some serious distance from his manipulation, silent treatment and sulking, the relationship is a horrible mess.

 

and i get the feeling life has served you an overwhelming plate lately and you've struggled to cope with that, resorting to drinking and an unhealthy attachment to the wrong guy.

 

whatever you do, make the next step about you and getting your life back on track, and don't hesitate to enroll in therapy or aa if you can't cope alone.