LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Thanks mhowe for the wonderful advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 This is completely and utterly over. You really, really need to spend some time alone. I lost count of how many times you said "I didn't realize"...about your behavior, your attitude, your getting on birth control. You need to become much more aware of how your actions and attitudes affect others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Thanks for your reply, mhowe. Any reason why you think this is completely over? Also, I said that I didn't realize two times. One was with regards to him wanting sex more. He had always said he was happy and that I was the best girlfriend in the world previously. When he told me explicitly, I fixed it. Were there hints that I wasn't paying attention to? Yes. But I don't think I'm a mind reader. The other time was with regard to him wanting more from the relationship. He explicitly said he only wanted me to stop acting crazy. I did this. He said things would gradually go back to normal. Also, if you could answer the three specific questions I wrote out, that would be wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Because he has given you 17 chances and you just keep finding new levels of crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redswim30 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 You simply aren't compatible. Let it go. True Love is not having to think or overthink every little thing. You shouldn't have to "lure" someone who loves you back. Accept that it is over, and let go of the relationship. You may want it to work, but it so very obviously doesn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 You need to get your emotional reactions under control. Not for this guy (he is rightfully gone unless he's an awful doormat) but for anyone you want to date in the future. Going crazy at someone when you have strong feelings is abusive. He told you that you hurt his feelings saying mean things to him. He told you he can't stand the fighting. This isn't an issue you can fix over night. It's something you have to put a lot of work into. You need to find a healthy way to explain and express your emotions or any relationship you have will fall apart under the strain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 That's not true. I've stopped the crazy behavior and he admits to that too. This is the first time he's brought up these other issues. Also, shouldn't him having given me 17 chances mean he's likely to give me an 18th chance. Could you please be more specific in how you think this time is different? I've written out the things he is doing differently this time around, and I'd love to know your opinion on if you think those things make this time different from the past times. Also, if you could answer the three specific questions I wrote out, that would be wonderful! Those are the things I am really curious to know your thoughts on. The advice I'm asking for is how to move in the direction of getting back together, not on what I need to do to become a stronger person, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Also, I have already sought counseling for this type of issue. That's why I haven't reacted crazily in over 4 months now. Additionally, I didn't hurt his feelings by saying mean things to him. I was mean to him by not trusting him. However, I very strongly trust him now. The reason for the distrust wsa because I was receiving anonymous, harrassing messages giving me reason to not trust him. I couldn't tell him about it initially because I was being threatened. When it all came out, I was ashamed of my actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 He doesn't want to get back together. He has already spent 2 years with you in which he truly wasn't happy or satisfied because of your many, many issues...jealousy, insecurity, fighting, lack of sex. You have used up all of your chances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Going crazy wasn't an issue internal to me. I was being harrassed and threatened by a mutual friend anonymously. Eventually I was physically attacked by him and that's when the entire thing came out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Also, he just messaged me saying he wants to make this work, so... not sure how you can say mhowe that he doesn't want to get back together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Also, shouldn't him having given me 17 chances mean he's likely to give me an 18th chance. Could you please be more specific in how you think this time is different? No, it means he realised ecpecting "whack" to be cured by giving extra chances doesn't work. That's what's different about him this time, he found some self-respect. Nothing sounds different on your side, you're stil thinking about what you oughtta be getting, completely disregarding the fact someone is done with being perpetually sc***ed over by you. And frankly, it takes way more than 3 weeks for the kind of egotism and lack of self-control you've exhibited to be effectively dealt with. Have some alone time and allow both of you the chance at something healthier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Also, he just messaged me saying he wants to make this work, so... not sure how you can say mhowe that he doesn't want to get back together? ah, scratch that, he isn't over the whole doormat thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyGirl Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 But he's not done. and I'm not screwing him over. did you read the part where we were virtually and physically attacked as a way to rip us a part from january of 2014 to may of 2015? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Also, he just messaged me saying he wants to make this work, so... not sure how you can say mhowe that he doesn't want to get back together? That is hard to believe. And the part about being physically attacked that was added after the fact...it would appear your level of crazy has not gone away. Most of your issues center around your inability to take responsibility for your actions. Until you can conquer this with your therapist, you should stay away from relationships of the romantic sort because you simply don't have the skills to have them be a success. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 did you read the part where we were virtually and physically attacked as a way to rip us a part from january of 2014 to may of 2015? whether selfish behavior is part of the trauma response or your true character, the mistreatment has exhausted him and he has every right to choose not to risk any more of it. He may also be thinking if this is how you're prone to react to severe stress, he wouldn't do well to wait around for the next thing that triggers you. And with respect, whatever treatment you've received seems to have been insufficient, if you still can't see how he'd want to protect himself more than he'd want to fool himself. If your egotism is a cured reaction to trauma, why can't you just accept you weren't right for him and he doesn't want to force it.The fact you think you're a new person now doesn't mean he's obliged to a leap of faith. The advice I'm asking for is how to move in the direction of getting back together, not on what I need to do to become a stronger person, etc. then you're asking a selfish question. you're not (and shouldn't be) trusted you can be a functional partner and yes, you'd do better to work on yourself. saying that's not what you want to hear doesn't bind responders to humor you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I have no clue what's going on here, really I don't. But about that 17 times leading to an 18th, well no. I did that with my ex, gave him chance after chance after chance. And every chance given was a nail in the coffin of our relationship. Each time I came back to him I was that much less invested, that much more wary. And then one day I just had enough. Please keep in mind you can only push people for so long, everyone has a breaking point where they say, "Enough" and walk. Everyone. And you have no way of knowing when that breaking point will come, so if he's come back this time you both need to get into couples counseling and get squared away for good, yeah? Otherwise it will end one way or another, but you cannot keep going round and round and expecting things to be different. Also typically if you break up more than twice it's a pretty clear sign things aren't working, haven't worked, won't work. Sorry, but this is one trainwreck you should probably climb out of sooner rather than later. It just sounds like so much drama and angst, why would anyone stay through that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mg22 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Sounds like such a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP that cant be saved ! Why cant you stop this cycle of craziness. Its beyond repair and its driving you nuts. Not all relationships are fixable and this one has taken its toll. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavy Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Step off the roller coaster and watch from the sideline. One of 2 things will happen. 1. They will notice and then wonder why are they not responding and make changes to themselves and then only can you maybe fix what is wrong. 2. They continue thier life on the roller coaster and bring someone else onto the ride with them. Either way what you get out of this "TIME", time to reflect what you want and need in life. Also with this you see the person from another angle that you didn't before because you were on the ride with them or inner circle. You have too my stress on your plate and you need to step back and take bot the stress and drama out of your life and control yourself. I totally agree with mg22 as we both know each others stories and she helped me through mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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