No sex or affection from wife

[FreedomSoul]

Like the title says there is no love or affection or sex coming from my wife. We in our early 20s with a kid that is about to turn 2 soon and we are coming up on our 3rd year of marriage. When my wife and i dated she showed affection and we had sex often. But all of that completely stopped when we got married. Im a very affectionate person. I love to show affection. But about 95% of the time when i try to cuddle, hug, kiss, or even hold hands she tells me to stop or pushes me away. I always ask what is wrong and she says nothing is wrong. We got into arguements about it in the past and she always says its not gonna change overnight but i been waiting for the past 2 years for her to be affectionate and have more sex. A month and a half ago i said im gonna stop giving her affection since she wants to push away all the time. Of course every once in awhile i try to get a hug or kiss and she just says "dont you see me doing something" or "im doing something" even when she isnt doing anything.

 

Yes we have a kid. I play with him the most, i stay up all night with him until he goes to sleep. Basically she just gives him baths and we switch off on changing diapers and feeding him. So there is no excuse of being tired from taking care of him. We both cook and we both do chores around the house. Also we have ALOT of time to have sex. But she always says our son is always awake and says thats a reason but i point out the times when he is awake and sleep.

 

I have never cheated or strayed away. But im getting very close. Im tired of feeling alone and not feeling that connection of sex and affection. I have been tempted but my marriage is far more valuable then being with someone else. Plus i dont wanna divorce her because i wanna stay because of my son and i love my wife. But this no sex and affection is killing me. I feel like i am stuck. I have no idea what to do.

[LovelyGirl]

Can you describe what happens if and when you talk about this issue? Talk to your wife about the fact that one of the ways you feel love is through physical affection. Tell her you want more. Ask her if this is something you guys can work on. Tell her you've noticed it lessening since you got married. Ask her if there's something going on with her or that you are doing that is causing it.

[ThatwasThen]

Like the title says there is no love or affection or sex coming from my wife. We in our early 20s with a kid that is about to turn 2 soon and we are coming up on our 3rd year of marriage. When my wife and i dated she showed affection and we had sex often. But all of that completely stopped when we got married.

Did the "dating" and your seduction stop after you got married as well?

 

Im a very affectionate person. I love to show affection. But about 95% of the time when i try to cuddle, hug, kiss, or even hold hands she tells me to stop or pushes me away.

Change your tactic. Instead of hug, kiss or hold hands, why not seduce her mind... get a baby sitter and do something fun with her on a regular basis (if you're not already doing that). It's very important to have "date nights" with your wife so that she feels that she is a viable, interesting and sexy LIFEpartner to you and not just a house-wife and baby-momma.

 

I always ask what is wrong and she says nothing is wrong.

That's because she's unable to articulate that she's not being made to feel like more then a house-wife and baby-momma probably????

 

We got into arguements about it in the past and she always says its not gonna change overnight but i been waiting for the past 2 years for her to be affectionate and have more sex.

What are you doing besides expecting that she should be ready to have sex with you after having a long day with the baby and outside work (if she has a job)?

 

A month and a half ago i said im gonna stop giving her affection since she wants to push away all the time.

She probably was relieved about that choice of yours if all you're doing is giving a bit of affection and expecting her to just give it back without being made to feel like that viable and sexy woman I mentioned earlier.

 

Of course every once in awhile i try to get a hug or kiss and she just says "dont you see me doing something" or "im doing something" even when she isnt doing anything.

Yea... I'm pretty sure you're approach is off or even off-putting. Get a baby sitter and go away for the weekend where her focus won't be on anything but having good conversation with you, doing fun things that aren't exhausting and mundane with you, where she feels bonded to you emotional again.

 

Yes we have a kid. I play with him the most, i stay up all night with him until he goes to sleep. Basically she just gives him baths and we switch off on changing diapers and feeding him. So there is no excuse of being tired from taking care of him.

Yes there is... I've just given you a whole slew of reasons why she'd be "too tired" to accommodate your love language. (you two might benefit from reading that book "The Five Love Languages")

 

We both cook and we both do chores around the house. Also we have ALOT of time to have sex. But she always says our son is always awake and says thats a reason but i point out the times when he is awake and sleep.

Change your approach and start being who you were with her when you first started dating again. Most women can't just be horny without the mental stimulation. She's TELLING you what is wrong but you're so focused on her not giving you what you want that you're not hearing her.

 

Someone on another forum once said: "Stimulate a woman's mind and her body will follow" There is much truth in that statement.

 

I have never cheated or strayed away. But im getting very close. Im tired of feeling alone and not feeling that connection of sex and affection. I have been tempted but my marriage is far more valuable then being with someone else. Plus i dont wanna divorce her because i wanna stay because of my son and i love my wife. But this no sex and affection is killing me. I feel like i am stuck. I have no idea what to do.

Change your tactic and be more like that guy that she saw when you were first trying to get into her pants. You have to, sad truth but like I said, we (most of us) are not like men and can just get into bed and spontaneously be ready to get bizzy.

[and so it goes]

I think this is a common problem for a lot of young married men. She kind of has all the power here doesn't she? And then when you do get "it" you wonder if she is just doing you a favour.

 

Sucks to be a man sometimes.

 

Counselling might be a good idea.

[FreedomSoul]

I have done all the stuff above. I try to get to her mentally. Like flirting, complimenting her, and everything else. I try to get her out of the house and on dates. But she is such a home body. She doesnt want to leave the bed at all. She rather sit and watch tv all day. And the times we do go out when i want it to be a date for just us, she always wants to bring our son. And i always have friends and family that are willing to babysit. Her excuse to bring him is "well thats our son and he is our responsibility so he is coming with us" and yes i tried date night. And when i talk to her about how i feel she gets mad and yells at me.

[ThatwasThen]

I have done all the stuff above. I try to get to her mentally. Like flirting, complimenting her, and everything else. I try to get her out of the house and on dates. But she is such a home body. She doesnt want to leave the bed at all. She rather sit and watch tv all day. And the times we do go out when i want it to be a date for just us, she always wants to bring our son. And i always have friends and family that are willing to babysit. Her excuse to bring him is "well thats our son and he is our responsibility so he is coming with us" and yes i tried date night. And when i talk to her about how i feel she gets mad and yells at me.

 

Since you say all she wants to do is stay in bed it makes me think that she is depressed.

When she tells you that he's our son and he's coming, you should tell her well, he'll still be our son if we don't bring him and I've already told my mom to come over a 7:00 so we can go to dinner.

 

When you talk to her about how you feel then you need to tell her that she needs to understand that having a relationship without sex is a friendship and that she needs to tell you what you can do to help her get her libido back on track and if she won't even try then it's a deal breaker. I'd start by asking her to see her doctor to talk to him about the situation and to get her hormone levels checked out. If all is fine psysically, then the next step is marriage counselling and/or personal counselling. If you don't do anything, then it won't get better.

 

Time to do some planning which includes just the two of you and if she insists on not going with you and trying then go alone and get busy having fun with your friends. Perhaps if you're not relying on her to be your everything, she'll wonder what is keeping you away and want to join you?

 

If you do "all of those things" and it's not working then try something else.

[Moontiger]

Sounds like she could be depressed. I would ask her if you two can talk, then sit down and gently say "(name), I'm worried. I see you so unhappy and that makes me so sad. I want you to be happy and fulfilled. Can we talk about how we can work towards that?" Then openly listen to what she gas to say. You can also say "I hear you. I don't think I have all the skills needed to help. Why don't we hire a baby sister once a week and go see a professional? What could it hurt?"

[Dottieflanogon]

So talk to her about why things have changed , and make it clear that the situation is making you unhappy and unsatisfied and could end the relationship (you might as well divorce before cheating, because cheating WILL lead to divorce but will just make it worse on you).

 

Be frank about how you feel. If she's tired or her back hurts then she needs to maybe eat healthier, get more rest, see a doc about her back, etc. Make it clear that excuses aren't going to cut it, and she needs to address all those issues .. Couples counseling may be a good idea as well, instead of head games. You two need to talk frankly about your feelings, your desires, and what you each want/expect out of your marriage and what the other person can do to help get things back on track.

[Stay_home]

As typically the case, there's always a lot more to the story. People have reasons why they stop doing the things they did before. Offer the idea of attending counseling sessions together and see how that goes. Something definitely happened between your marriage and the birth of your child. I like the suggestion made that perhaps she's depressed. Although the large majority of women are emotional, it's ironic that most women don't deal with their emotions very well. Also, I hate to say, but perhaps your wife is falling out of love with you and losing interest. I don't know your relationship background or hers. But you both are still very young and in your 20s and it could also be that she's getting tired of routine life of marriage w/ kids and seeks a little more excitement than that. You've got to sit down with her and really figure out what the heck is going on before your marriage to her erodes. Eventually (as if it hasn't already) you'll start to feel even more rejected, resentful and thus feel more obligated to stray. If not that route, then you'll just get tired of feeling so pushed away and eventually leave. I wouldn't suggest going there yet, but really taking a hard look at yourself (first) and to ask yourself if you really are being the best husband, friend, partner she could ask for.

[Sabs]

I totally feel your pain