Not sure where to go from here

[audreymcalast]

Hello all, new here. I have a dilemma that I need help with.

 

I've been dating my current boyfriend on-and-off for about 3 years. We've been through a lot together and clearly love each other. However, I'm not sure the relationship is worth continuing for both of our sakes. To make a long story short, I moved from one state to another and had to leave school because i was living with my boyfriend and things got really turbulent and we had to break up. He contacted me shortly after I left and expressed interest in fixing things, and wanted to come live with me in my new home. I welcomed the idea, because the idea of living alone really frightened me and I still loved him.

 

I'm a 21 year old female who works from home. I make a decent amount of money, so we originally came to an agreement that he would help me with my work, and do the cooking and cleaning and he would get half of my paycheck. I have depression and anxiety, and even though my job allows for me to work from home its still incredibly high stress and emotionally draining. I have to be vague about it, because I also have someone who's intensely stalking and harassing me and it's likely they could find this post if I give too many details. I have student loans I'm trying to pay off, and now impending legal charges from this ordeal with this jerk online I used to work with. Aside from all that, I have, for the last 6 months, paid all of the rent for our 2 bedroom apartment, the utilities, all of our furniture, pet costs, bills, groceries, gas, and out-to-eat/adventure costs...any cost you can imagine, I have covered it in the last 6 months with no help from my boyfriend. I'm stressed all the time because I am only 21 and have had to take care of another person entirely.

 

When we first moved together here we agreed he'd help me with work and do all the cooking and cleaning and he'd get half of what I make at my job. That really didn't work, he hated it and I hated it. We fought all the time and things would get physical between us. He would stay on the computer while I worked, did chores, and cooked for us. This would make me very frustrated and anxious, but I didn't mind reminding him to do things as long as he did them, except he didn't. So I'd nag at him to help me with some chores, he'd get incredibly annoyed because my tone wasn't very nice. I would start yelling and crying, and he would push me and get in my face. I would get scared and start pushing back, then things usually launched into an all-out physical altercation between us where we'd really hurt each other.

 

After a month of this, we decided it was best he get his own job, but he never actively searched, so I had to nag him. We still fought like I described above. We agreed to do half the chores each, he would not receive any of my paycheck, and I would still pay for everything until he found work. This went on for about another 5 months until he finally found work as a line cook. I bought him the clothes for the job, and let him borrow my car to get to and from work. He stayed for about a week and then quit (he has a history with not being able to keep jobs). Things got bad super bad between us again. I had to give him an ultimatum, if he quit without finding another job first, he'd have to leave. He chose to quit so he had to leave. After he left, I was given reason to believe the person harassing me was about to harm my physical safety. I was told he was doing background checks on me and was trying to find out where I live. I was so frightened, and didn't have anyone else to help me so I had invited my boyfriend back to stay. He promised to do the chores and try and make things easier for me while we figured out a plan for me to be safe. One option was for me to go back with him since i do not have many friends or family that will let me stay with them.

 

That brings us to now. About 7 months into this horrible ordeal for both of us. My boyfriend still hasn't helped with chores without me nagging him a lot, and we still get into physical fights. Many nights end with me crying myself to sleep. My boyfriend also some how managed to lose both of our wallets and now he is leaving again this week and I'm stuck without anything I need to get by. The person is still harassing me, and I still have every worry i had while he was here except now I'll be alone without much of a support system. He's leaving to a new job he has lined up at home. He said he's going to send me money for the lease because he knows he owes me but he is going to break the lease before he leaves. So I'm really skeptical about him actually sending me any money at all, honestly. I don't really know what to do. He wants me to go move back up there with him but my history with him in the state we used to live in has a lot of painful memories for me and quite frankly, nothing there for me. The only reason I would move there is for his benefit and to help him get his life back on track. But I feel my life has been so derailed by him here that, I don't know if I want to move for him, especially when he's had a history of being unable to keep a job, pay rent, be loyal, and there for me when I needed him most.

 

Do you have any recommendations? I'm very worried for myself and my wellbeing.

[Willywagtail]

In your words -'he has a history of detailing your life, and being unable to keep a job, pay rent, be loyal and be there for tiny when you need him most'.

 

You've been living with a man child. Someone's who's incapable of taking responsibility for himself, because someone else always has. Including you.

 

Why should you take the responsibility of 'getting his life back on track?' That's HIS responsibility; good grief, you're not his mother.

 

Your responsibility is getting YOUR life back on track, after being with a vampire that has sucked out your soul, your finances and your wellbeing.

 

Forget about him paying you money. He never has, and he never will. Be realistic, he's not supporting you in any way, even emotionally. You can take other steps to ensure the person harassing you don't know where you are. Your BF is useless and wouldn't be able to help you in any case.

 

It's time for you to look after yourself instead on relying on his supposed support. Develop your support system by speaking to cyber stalking experts and starting the process of moving on from the co-dependent relationship you and your BF created.

[mhowe]

He is a freeloader and will not be sending you money. Get the police involved in your stalking incident.