Ketchup Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Please please read this and reply Hi, I know this is a really old post, but I actually found this site while googling break up problems. I have very similar situation! I'm 23 he's 27. We've been together for almost 3 years, I live with my mom and he lives with (or off) his friend, hooked on weed, drugs and video games, he's also depressed & suicidal, and he wants to be a tattoo artist. I go to university one year and I'll graduate, he doesn't have a job and he lost his drivers license years ago. I've been told by everyone that he's a loser but I really love him because he has a great personality and we get along so well. So I wanted to help him (get his license back, find a job, and start college). He wants to change to the better, but the only thing we ever argue about is that he wants me to move out of my moms house and find an apartment with him. I have a part time job and I don't trust him to get a good job, so I don't believe we can do it on our own. It's not easy for me I'm not emotionally or financially ready! He's making me feel guilty for not moving in with him everyday. Last night I decided to break up with him. Since I really love him I told him we should stay close friends and we'll try to make this work after I graduate and get a real job. He got mad and stopped talking to me and deleted me off of everything. I regretted breaking up with him after less than an hour (it's been 1 day now). I'm not really outgoing and I don't have many friends and it will be really hard letting go since I really love him. I'm sorry I know this is really long but I needed someone to talk to. Can you please read it and tell me what happened after your break up, are you over it? Do you regret it? Or was it the right thing to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Hi, I moved this into it's own post so it has a better chance of people reading and responding to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 As long as he is using drugs, you will never be a priority in his life. Getting an apartment with him would be lunacy. Stay in college and date college boys...not unemployed drug addicts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I feel breaking up with him was the right thing to do darling and getting a flat with him ..well ..god only knows the state you would end up in .. but ...you cant string him along .you have either ended it or you havent ..these promises will just keep you both suspended in time waiting for the next move . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ketchup Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I don't think he has an addiction problem and he's a really nice guy, I just don't think he was raised right he didn't have chance. And thank you agent but I really wanted Shylight's opinion on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Shylight hasn't been back in 4 years. You are the one who said he is hooked on drugs, weed and video games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I live with my mom and he lives with (or off) his friend, hooked on weed, drugs and video games, well you did imply it .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I'm not really outgoing and I don't have many friends and it will be really hard letting go since I really love him. This probably plays no small part in why you love him. Get yourself out there and meet new people. Tons of guys out there who are worth your time and effort. Not being raised right ain't an excuse to be 27 and jobless and living on your friend's couch. I have lots of friends back in West Garfield Park who weren't exactly raised in a Hilton quality house, but they at least work even if it's fast food or Target. Who's saying you have to play savior anyway? You're gonna have the whole world of options a year from now. Take advantage of everything your school has to offer this last year. Don't worry about him. He's gotten this far mooching. I'm sure he'll keep finding a way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 And thank you agent but I really wanted Shylight's opinion on this. That post was 4 years old. And as a rule we try to keep advice focussed on the OP of a thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Last night I decided to break up with him. Since I really love him I told him we should stay close friends and we'll try to make this work after I graduate and get a real job. He got mad and stopped talking to me and deleted me off of everything. I regretted breaking up with him after less than an hour (it's been 1 day now). I'm not really outgoing and I don't have many friends and it will be really hard letting go since I really love him. I'm sorry I know this is really long but I needed someone to talk to. Can you please read it and tell me what happened after your break up, are you over it? Do you regret it? Or was it the right thing to do? The part I bolded is where you're wrong. What does being friends with him do for you, what does YOU getting a job have to do with it. You're hurting due to the comfort, this guy is hopeless. You want your comfort of having someone... this guy has no future. Sounds like you're doing good things for yourself, find a counter part that compliments you. Not an anchor that you have huff and puff to drag along with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 He wants to change to the better, but the only thing we ever argue about is that he wants me to move out of my moms house and find an apartment with him. Oho! He doesn't want to change- he wants you to change. That's rich! He sees no problems with his own lifestyle, but he want to changes yours. Instant red flag. If you break up with someone, you don't stay friends with them. This is a cop out move. You don't benefit from a guy who doesn't work and is addicted to drugs and video games. He needs to go. Your friends are right- he is a loser. If you feel so bad about what people are saying, then maybe you need to reassess how strongly you feel about your choices involving him. Since you aren't an outgoing person, now is the time to work on yourself without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Great personality does not pay the bills. You know who he is. He is irresponsible, addicted to weed and video games, jobless and clinically depressed. Your friends are right. He is a loser. Why do you want so little for yourself. Do you really hate yourself so much. There is no future with this guy, and can you see him raising children. That's scary. He is also quite manipulative. If you want to support this guy, and take over a parent role, then all means. go back to him. He will not change, as he has to many people waiting to enable him. What a waste of your life!!! How can you have an ounce of respect for this guy, or sleep with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sadly, many people enter relationships in the hope that their partner will change - to suit them. This almost never happens. Unless you go into relationships liking the other person just the way they are, it's doomed to failure. You'd have been mad to move in with him. He may be lovely company, but someone like this is really not long term relationship material. For now, concentrate on your studies and eventually really make the most of university life; guaranteed you'll look back fondly on this time and wonder what on earth you were thinking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I don't think he has an addiction problem and he's a really nice guy, I just don't think he was raised right he didn't have chance. And thank you agent but I really wanted Shylight's opinion on this. Many have a screwed up childhood, but they don't stay at home and play video games and smoke weed all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Does it make you feel better to have a boyfriend, any boyfriend? Are you sure it's HIM you miss and not the idea of having a boyfriend? If you choose to stay with him and live together, remember you are CHOOSING to support him financially while he smokes weed and plays video games at home all day, every day. And you cannot complain because you knew what you were signing up for (newsflash...he will NOT "change"). Keep in mind this kind of man usually ends up cheating (by "talking" to other girls or having them over the apartment YOU pay for while you are at work) and treating you with disrespect. Because, they believe, why should HE respect you when YOU don't respect yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Think about when you have to introduce him to your colleagues at work, and they ask about his profession. Do you think they will be impressed with his skill at video games and intake of weed? How embarrassing! This also reflects negatively on you, as people will wonder why you think so little of yourself to be with type of guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ketchup Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Thank you all for the quick response! I think I was blinded.. I'm going through hard times and changes, so I guess I just don't want to be alone. It's gonna hurt and I will always love him, but it's better this way. We are very different. I would like to stay friends though because I do care about him in a way. Maybe not now but later when we get over this. I believe that I need to get help, to overcome some issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 If you got a place with him, you'd have to pay the rent as he doesnt work, has no money and is into drugs. Breaking up is the smart thing to do. Unless and until he decides he wants to straighten himself out, nothing is going to chance. Time for you to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 You cannot help someone who won't help themselves. Bottom line, end of story, period. If that were true every drug addict/person with no job/guy or gal who wants to spend all day on their butt playing video games would automatically be a productive member of society with no problems, because someone out there would love them enough to will them into suddenly being magically fixed. But that's not reality. The reality is life will kick his butt and either he will rise to the occasion on his own steam and make his way up after hitting rock bottom or he will be an anchor around your neck demanding you do everything for him, never changing because why should he work or stop drugs so long as you're there to enable him to do so by paying for everything and taking care of him. He is yes indeed a total loser. And you get on with him simply because you never demand he be anything else but and it probably makes you feel good in some sort of kind of twisted way to be the provider. If you are okay with forever taking care of him, with him never changing a bit then by all means have at it. It's just that's all you are ever going to get. Otherwise hold to the position you'll move in together and resume a relationship should he ever get off the drugs and be clean for a bloody solid year with therapy or NA or AA under his belt and have held a job also for a year and have decent credit. And those are things within his reach that he needs to be doing on his own, not having his hand held like he's such an idiot and so incapable he couldn't possibly do all that for himself. Otherwise you've just joined the enabling codependency club and trust me, from personal experience, it is not a club you want to ever be a member of. Your time is better spent addressing why you have a florence nightingale complex and want to be with someone you see as a project to fix up instead of just loving and accepting them as they are and if you can't moving on. Not to be harsh, I've been and seen this whole thing way too many times is all. And you need to wake up. You did the best thing possible for both of you by breaking up with him. Now you need to accept that breakups hurt and the way to get over it is to go through the breakup and accept that he needs to grow up and stop being a little boy and you need to stop playing nursemaid. If he can't be a grown man, hold a job, stop with the partying and video game addictions then he simply is not adult enough to be in a relationship. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Paris is spot on! As always. I hope you take her words to heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 You did the right thing. It takes two to build a future together as a couple, but this guy is only willing to sit back and stagnate--and he wants YOU to risk poverty as he takes you down with him. That's not 'nice,' it's self serving. If the guy ever grows into someone who can manage a job and a household of his own someday, he'll position himself as someone to consider down the road when you've met some of your own goals. As it stands, he's only adding a burden to your life rather than value, and it makes no sense to grow dependent on him emotionally. Head high, and keep moving forward. You will thank yourself later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 You can't fix people. It's noble you love him despite his flaws, but it isn't very smart, and will not end well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Don't be silly. You ought to know the answer to that question and if not, then you really and truly are not ready for a serious relationship. Loving somebody is not enough. Your ex boyfriend has some very critical issues happening in his life and it's because of his immaturity, irresponsibility to confront those issues that is keeping him from growing up. Ask yourself this question: Would you want your child to be like him? Probably not. You're 23, you still have a lot of life left up ahead, plenty more guys to meet; you're probably attractive and can meet any guy you want. Staying with him, you'll be limiting your options and setting yourself up for failure. You're in school, you're trying to do things with your life. He's playing PlayStation 4 or Xbox and getting high all day. That doesn't coincide with your goals and will be a recipe for why you don't make it as far as you can go if you were to stay with him, trust me. And because he doesn't have his crap together and doesn't appear to be mature, he'll become jealous and cause you all kinds problems. I see these things happen all the time. Be single a little while and don't be his friend. In fact, don't talk to him at all if you can help it. It'll hurt, but eventually you'll get over him and eventually he'll get over you and move on with his life. Then get back into your studies, finish up school, graduate, get into the working world and save up a little money. Wait a while and don't get a serious again until you get closer to your 30s. Trust me, you aren't missing anything from the market right now at 23. Use this time to get your life in the direction you want it to go. You'll thank me later and "like" this post in a few years when the girls you know are all divorcing, on their second marriage or hating life because they didn't take the same route. Go to the left, take the detour. I'm out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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