How To Deal With Toxic People?

[mylolita]

Hi everyone,

 

Long time no post here!

 

So I need a little advice (because I'm not the best at dealing with passive aggressive people and conflict)!

 

I work with a few people closely, one of them my manager (who I really get on with), the other another colleague (who I also really really get on with i. e. would see out of work) and then a brat! The person I really really like doesn't get on with them (infact she's leaving her job because of her).

 

My manager actually feels the same way as me and my friend at work, but she's never said anything about her behaviour.

 

Basically she's thrown tantrums over ridiculous non-work related stuff (slamming her phone down, aggressive tone on the phone etc).

 

Not a day goes by without either rants, complaining, heavy sighs or general victim attitude (I hate my life/it's so hard/I'm put under pressure at work/It's easy for everyone else but hard for me because I'm a single parent/I hate being single etc).

 

Ironically she claims to be a positive person, but I've pretty much never met anyone as negative, unhappy and passive aggressive as her. She's selfish, has an oppinion on everything whether asked or not, and pretty much always knows what's best.

 

She mostly snaps at my friend at work but has lately been taking things out on me in subtle, sly ways.

 

I started to arrange the Christmas party for work and booked a provisional date (not set in stone!) She went out and arrange child care on this provisional date. When the date changed a week later she aggressively kicked off at me saying I didn't understand what it was like to be single (as if I was born married or something), that I hadn't thought about her and that it was sooooooo hard to be a single parent (but I wouldn't understand). Her tone was awful.

 

Lately she's been ordering me about as if I'm her assistant. I was so busy finishing important work and she tells me to call up a printing place because she wants to print out some pictures at the weekend.

 

Am I being sensitive here? Her tone is always loud and aggressive. What's the best way to keep sane but stand my ground with this type if person?

 

Thanks!

[mhowe]

If it isn't work related ignore her.

[mfan]

You don't deal with toxic people; you avoid them.

[mylolita]

Hi mhowe - so true! After she walked back in I said 'It'll have to wait because I'm busy' and she was like 'Oh of course it's not work related!' But I thought, why don't I ask her to search for a nice navy jacket I've been after and see how she takes it!!!

 

By the way, she is not my superior at all and works for a different branch and in a different sector - she gets off on bossing me around because she knows I'm too nice to snap back!

[mhowe]

Then you simply smile, say "sure" and never do it.

[mylolita]

Hi mfan - I wish it was that simple! I work with her five days a week, 8 hours a day and sit 10 paces away from her!

[mylolita]

Then you simply smile, say "sure" and never do it.

 

I think that's the best plan to avoid unprofessional and needless confrontation - I really dislike this person but have to work with them every day so would rather remain friendly and polite to avoid hassle.

[ParisPaulette]

If she's not your manager or boss you tell her, "Go talk to "Manager" since I'm on a job for her right now and that's actually what you're supposed to be doing. If our Manager says I should do it then I will, thanks." And then you go back to what you're doing.

 

Nip this in the bud really fast or she'll be handing everything off to you and backstabbing you to everyone else before you know it. If she's just another worker it's time to stop playing nice and time to start saying, "Nope, not my job man. Take it up with our manager if you want work reassigned." Then give your manager a heads up what's going on. Don't do what she asks just 'cause she's a brat. That's just enabling her bad behavior.

 

And much as you don't want to snap back it's the one thing that will make her respect you. She doesn't respect you, she's not being nice, not sure why you're so worried about that when it's not doing you any good anyways. You don't have to yell or shout, just a simple, "Go ask Blah and if they reassign it to me great. Otherwise I have X, Y and Z to do first." And definitely let your manager know what's happening. Otherwise your own work suffers and you can get called on the carpet, rightly so, for not just doing your own job and instead taking orders from someone who isn't in a position to give you orders.

 

BTW I'm a former manager. I was death to people like her, because they would screw everything up with their little god complexes. Shut that crap down fast or it will get far worse. And stop worrying about being "nice" it doesn't work in these cases. Be firm, bored, polite but again firm that no you are doing the jobs assigned to you and she needs to take it up with management if she wants a whole work assignment shifted.

[Dottieflanogon]

If I were you I would try to not let them get to you. Prove your worth by being a good employee and everyone else will know that their comments are unjustified. You can't control what people say so you have to just be the bigger person. You might want to document what is being said if it gets worse, That's what I would do

[mylolita]

Hi ParisPaulette,

 

Thank you for your advice!

 

Yes, she is a highly toxic person who has already caused one very nice person to leave their job because they work directly with her. It's strange because she also acted like she was this person's boss when she wasn't.

 

I completely agree with you that she has absolutely no respect for me what so ever, which is the usual when it comes to people like her and people like me - I'm so polite and willing with everyone that she's taking advantage of the fact she knows I won't snap back.

 

Part of me wants to not do it and then when she asks why I didn't say 'I'm x's assistant, NOT yours - do it yourself!'

 

I'm worried that's not professional enough?

[mylolita]

If I were you I would try to not let them get to you. Prove your worth by being a good employee and everyone else will know that their comments are unjustified. You can't control what people say so you have to just be the bigger person. You might want to document what is being said if it gets worse, That's what I would do

 

Hi Dottie,

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

I think documentation is a good idea! I mean, she's obly going to be more of a problem soon and she's going to be working closer and closer with me due to my friend leaving.

 

She constantly emphasises that she hates fake people and that she'd rather people tell her when she's being rude to her face - this empty notion is always, always directed at me whenever she says it, as if she's saying, I know you don't like me, why are you too chicken to admit it and have a full blown argument with me like I want?

 

Grr!

[catfeeder]

I won't even make 'arrangements' for people I like--much less anyone else, because it's a trap. If anything goes wrong with the outcome, guess who will get the blame. I'd just look up the number, write it down, and the next time she asks, I'd say, "Oh, yes...here's the number for you to call."

 

Next time she demands something of you, I'd smile and tell her that you're as busy as she is, and so the favor department is closed.

 

Whether she 'likes' that or not is too-bad-so-sad. You can remain cheerful and professional without regard for how pleased she is with you. Her behavior is obnoxious enough to hang her in time. Let her keep acting like an idiot, and she'll eventually get herself fired. By that time, you'll have mentally insulated yourself from her--because that's a skill, and so, develop it.

 

Consider this girl the office clown and ignore her. Use headphones to unplug from her, don't share gossip or banter or anything else--just be kind when you 'must' deal with her, and otherwise, deflect her and stop hurting your own stomach lining over how she views you.

 

Head high. The more you dwell on her, the more you waste your focus and energy on someone who is meaningless. I'd skip that and REDUCE her impact on you rather than amplify it by dwelling on it.

[ParisPaulette]

Part of me wants to not do it and then when she asks why I didn't say 'I'm x's assistant, NOT yours - do it yourself!'

 

I'm worried that's not professional enough?

 

Why on earth do you think it's not professional to stick up for your own boss and do the work you're hired to do instead of letting another coworker bully you into doing their work instead.

 

Honestly as a former manager I have had to let people go who did other people's work, wouldn't maintain the lines and duties of their own job, and instead just did whatever anyone asked of them.

 

It is absolutely more than professional to a) tell the person you are the assistant for that so and so is now demanding you drop your work to do their job and b) telling her no you are doing your job first and foremost and she needs to do hers herself. You can and should do this is all extremely nicely as in a very loud, very sweet voice saying things like, "But Sweetie, you KNOW I have to finish my job for so and so. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Thanks." You be overly sweet and sacharrine and you make sure you are heard by everyone around you. Then you ignore her and if she starts to pitch a fit you say, "Excuse me a sec, let's get this sorted out." And then you call your boss over right then and there or go see her and ask again loudly, but politely "Hey, so and so is asking me to stop that job you had me doing to do X Y and Z again. Has something changed on my word orders?"

 

In other words you be very polite, very nice, and you do not cover or hide this is happening AT ALL!!!! You put it squarely into the laps of the people who are supposed to be running the show, your boss and her boss.

 

That's professional. Otherwise yes you can and will eventually be so caught up in placating her you'll be doing her work and your work, and then you'll get called on the carpet when something goes wrong and you will have no defense, because your boss and her boss will both rightly so be saying, "Why weren't you just doing your own job?"

 

No one is saying you have to call her names or be rude at all. You don't. But you do have to maintain firm boundaries and politely refuse to do someone else's job or else you will be out of a job soon enough through no fault other than being scared to have said no. And saying no is a skill you need to develop in life period unless you want to be the doormat everyone walks on. The "nice" girl does not get the corner office. She gets stuck doing everyone else's job and chewed out constantly when things go wrong.

 

And I think it's horrible the other girl is letting herself be bullied out of a job. It's time you all join forces against this witch by simply insisting she do her own work while you do yours and ignore her beyond a polite "That isn't my job" then going to your boss each and every time she demands something. In fact, this is where I think you and everyone in that office who don't like this girl should corner her in a bathroom all together and tell her that her attitude is no longer appreciated, and none of you will be doing her own work or covering for her any longer. And if she so much as squeaks at any of you you will start filing complaints with HR for her creating a hostile work environment. Do it out of sight of the bosses, but do it as a group and be polite and firm, but let her know "Enough is enough" already. Pull the beyotch's teeth, the only thing she has going is that each of you is individually afraid to tell her no and she knows that. She only has the power that you all are granting her.

 

I get it's different when the person is a boss, but she isn't so deal with her and say enough is enough already. Or you can turn tail and run and hope the next place you work won't have someone as bad or worse, which sadly is all too often the case unless you have someone like me who is willing to let heads roll and get rid of people like that. Even so I had a terrible time of it when no one would report the person to me to handle in the first place. So yeah, I say start being professional, which does NOT entail being "nice" and a doormat. It entails maintaining and doing your job and your job only and taking up all distractions with your own boss.

 

So she throws a tantrum, so what. Head to HR and file a complaint about her creating a hostile workplace environment. It's actually up to you and everyone in the place to not tolerate this. People like her damage companies worse than stealing from them and it is a form of stealing she's doing, not to mention usurping your own boss's authority.