Boyfriend's relationship with his sister

[ktgh24]

Hey, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now.

 

I didn't meet his family until about 9 months into our relationship but he often spoke about his younger sister. They are extremely close with one another but I really don't like her and I am worried our relationship might be affected because of this. She is his younger sister and as she does not get on with their Dad so my bf acts like the father figure. They ring each other more than once each day and constantly tell one another they love each other over the phone. My boyfriend and I see each other about twice a week as he is busy with work and she has rang him on a few occasions now claiming that there is an emergency and he must go home and he just leaves! These emergencies often turn out to be things such as...she couldn't submit her university assignment (she is 24) and things of the like.

 

On my first meeting with her she burst into my boyfriends home unannounced whilst we were having a romantic meal, she came in turned the music off and started to demand that my boyfriend make her a dessert which he had spent time making for us. She did not introduce herself and just started to say that he never makes her desserts like that. This was the beginning.

 

I think this initial meeting seemed to change the lovely image I had in my head of her being very nice, friendly and chatty like my boyfriend is. My second meeting was when she tagged along on a double date me and my boyfriend had arranged with one of his friends, she was so loud, over powering and I couldn't get a word in edge ways but I tried not to think anything of it as they share the same friends and so I thought she was just very, very excited to be spending time with them!

 

I went to visit my boyfriend's mum and whilst we were sat having a nice chat and cup of tea, she burst into the room in her usual style demanding my boyfriend do a job for her. My boyfriend said he would do it another day and she went mad and through a bit of a hissy fit at him - I had to bite my tongue because the way she spoke to him was awful!

 

We went on holiday with my boyfriend and his friends...his sister was there as they share the same friends. The whole 4 days holiday were very difficult but prior to the holiday I tried to think positive and that it might give me a chance to get to know her better. She was constantly grooming my boyfriend...doing his hair when it blew the wrong way in the wind, rolling up his sleeves, tucking in his shirt and telling him when to eat. Whilst my boyfriend and I were chatting to one of his friends she began to throw a hissy fit and said that she was hungry and if she didn't eat now she would be really grumpy. So we all had to change our plans to suite her. The whole time my boyfriend just tries to do whatever she wants and tends to her every need. I feel like she is using him a bit and that she behaves like a spoilt child.

 

The other thing is that when she is buying him gifts she often buys him clothes of a certain fashion type and is completely changing him from the person I met into a clone of her boyfriend.

 

Mine and her birthday are around about the same date, I had planned for many weeks to go out with my friends and invited my boyfriend. Last minute he informed me that his sister had arranged a night out on that same night and he went out with her instead

 

I feel like I am jealous or something. I also feel that if he was like this with his brother I would also feel the same way and that I am not a priority.

 

When I have spoke to him about it in the past he says that they are just a close family and he becomes really defensive and falls out with me.

 

I feel now that because I really don't like her and her attention seeking ways...I think negatively every time I see her and that I say snide comments about things.

 

Can anyone share their views on this? I feel I may be over reacting because I don't behave in that way with my siblings but I also feel that if she speaks to him in a rude way again I will have to tell her.

[mhowe]

How she speaks to her brother is not your concern. However, you should be concerned that he enables her spoiled brat behavior. She isn't going to change, so you have two choices.

 

Put up with it and learn to ignore it.

 

Find a boyfriend who has clearer boundaries with a sibling.

 

You have already voiced your concerns, and he does nothing. They share the same friends, so she isn't going to be someone you see a few times a year.

[DoF]

Whenever effects your loved one's life or your relationship you WILL feel the way you do.

 

Fact that your boyfriend gets defensive is something you should have a problem with. This is a communication issue with YOU and HIM. Address it! This is one of our "communication rules" in my relationship, no defensiveness. It KILLS relationships!!!

 

Talk to him and express to him how she is and it's unhealthy etc. How it not only effect him but also YOUR relationship.

 

Also, it seems like you might feel like you are not his priority in life, his sister is, and that is wrong. He needs to change that or things will only get worse.

 

He is enabling her to act like a spoiled little brat, so he needs to stop it and be a man!

 

You are either a priority in your loved ones life, or your are not. Personally I would never EVER settle for anyone that is not making me a priority. Hell no. Only exception I would make is for single mother but ONLY for 6 months to a year until our relationship is serious. At that point, I'm a priority over kids. If not, done. Problem is, no single mother would EVER do that (which is wrong as well IMO).

[agent1607307371]

Mine and her birthday are around about the same date, I had planned for many weeks to go out with my friends and invited my boyfriend. Last minute he informed me that his sister had arranged a night out on that same night and he went out with her instead

 

And that would be where I put a pin in it.

 

It's been three years. It's not going to change. You either accept it as how things are, or you decide to find a better situation.

[Andrina]

There are certain men who will do this with a mother, grown child, or in your case, a sibling. It's not going to change. His sister will always be the priority, not matter the situation. He doesn't set boundaries. Get out now, and give yourself a second chance at happiness with a guy who has normal, healthy relationships with everyone in his life. Always choose someone you don't want to change. Life's much easier and enjoyable that way.

[Willywagtail]

Only exception I would make is for single mother but ONLY for 6 months to a year until our relationship is serious. At that point, I'm a priority over kids. If not, done. Problem is, no single mother would EVER do that (which is wrong as well IMO).

 

No sane woman would make a man she's been with for 6 months a priority over her children.

 

Get a grip. Being a parent is forever.

[Lucia Amman]

No sane woman would make a man she's been with for 6 months a priority over her children.

 

Get a grip. Being a parent is forever.

 

Agree. My children always come first. Luckily my boyfriend loves that about me and loves my children too.

 

But having this type of relationship with a sibling is just a tad unhealthy. She is grooming him, making him wear certain clothes: it all sounds very claiming.

 

I do agree with DoF that being defensive is a total communication shut down and should be treated as such in the relationship. You and him first need to tackle that. But I'm afraid nothing really would change in his relationship with his sister. He doesn't see what he does wrong. He might see it once his tenth relationship hits the walls against because of his little sister.