Forgiveness and moving on

[journeynow]

Forgiveness does not mean you have to like them, or condone what was done, or be friends with them. It's about not hanging onto what was done in the past and letting it affect you negatively now. It is entirely up to your and for you, and it is no one else's business. You may be perfectly happy as things are.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, too many people imagine that forgiveness is about being okay with what the other person did to you and that somehow you can now be totally cool with it all.

 

Which is more than a wee tad unrealistic. Forgiveness in my books has always been more about me forgiving my own actions in the whole thing and in being able to just say, "Well that was f&&&y" and then moving forward. It does not mean I forget or trust someone who did me wrong, because my forgiveness isn't going to now magically make the other person a good person. That's just common sense 101, but it's a concept I see misunderstood a ton. As in, "Now, you must not hate or think ill of this other person ever again and if they come around you've got to give them another chance to plant the knife/er do you in/er make nice with you..."

 

Yeah, bullocks to that I say. (I've been hanging with someone who's English recently, can you tell?)

 

Thank heavens my last ex and I never had kids and my ex-husband and I got on okay. Whew. I can only imagine how hard it is Clinton, so not really going to preach at you to turn the other cheek and all that myself to you. I like the idea of acceptance myself, which is more what it's probably called.

 

But hate? Yeah, I'm not able to hold on to that emotion easily with exes. I grow indifferent to them all and that's probably a far better thing. If I hate you I still let you inside my head. When I look at you and just think, "Meh" it's far worse. It means you just don't count at all in my universe

[pippy longstocking]

Oh Pippy. You and your whacky foreplay. I'll bite you if you bite me.

 

I'll concede your point, sort off.

 

Yes, if the raw hatred you feel for your ex is consuming you then forgiveness may be a good thing.

 

BUT, do we really forgive? Or do we just accept the fact that they left and let them go?

 

See to me forgiveness implies I'd be perfectly ok being friends with them one day. Going out for coffee, shooting the breeze.

 

I don't know any of those divorced couples. I know quite a few who make nice for kids sake but it's not much more than that. Is that forgiveness?

 

Is tolerating each other real forgiveness?

 

hehe hell yeah

 

I have thought a lot about all this clinton ..not just because your thread provoked me and my stoned mind but because the spiritual path I have chosen to follow has made me WANT to be all about forgiveness but then I want to be a vegetarian and would happily slit anyones throat to get a bacon sandwich off them !! My point is I agree with you ..and the other part of me is still as I mentioned above , wanting to encourage forgiveness as it is a much nicer feeling .

 

you said :

 

See to me forgiveness implies I'd be perfectly ok being friends with them one day. Going out for coffee, shooting the breeze.

 

that put more perspective on your view point and I looked back at my exes and some of them ..well I didnt enjoy their company long enough to stay in the relationship so quite honestly have no desires several years down the line to sit and have coffee ..but they dont matter to my life in the grand scheme of things because none of them did anything I need to forgive . The ones that did ...I am thinking back now to a man when I was in my mid going into late 20's ..first man I lived with , he was a and when I made my plans to leave he got ran over by a number 13 bus ..I kid you not .. he survived thankfully but it flattened his arm good and proper and I felt obliged to stay on a human level and became his maid . He was an absolute monster and as soon as he was able to look after himself I was gone . But as he was getting better and going out again he met someone ..we both met her , it was our friends niece . It was so obvious he had feelings for her and I think this is probably the only occasion that I know that someone was or about to be unfaithful to me . He started going out round town on his own and I am 100% sure he was meeting her ..what stuck in my throat was not that he was "probably" meeting her but because I had to help him get ready ..help him bathe , wash and iron his clothes etc etc ..I allowed myself to be used and it was all going on right infront of me ...so I asked myself , do I forgive him ...honestly ..I absolutely couldn't give a monkeys about him either way ..the content is so meaningless to me now that it almost feels like there is nothing to forgive because no emotions are even been triggered writing this .

 

Oh clinton I still havent really made any points have I ...and the 2 minutes you spent reading this ...you will never get back hahahah

[Clinton]

Why are you posting about forgiveness or moving on? I don't understand, this shouldn't even be on your outer galaxy radar at this point.

 

Fun debate. Interesting idea. A way to tell other people that it's not necessary in order to heal and move on.

[TMifune]

Dr. Stephen Stosny has a book called "Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment"

 

In it he says:

 

After working with thousands of clients, I'm fairly sure that most forgiveness occurs as a byproduct of healing rather than a cause of it. You heal and then forgive, not the other way around. Attempting to forgive while in pain is like trying to put out a fire in an oil field without sealing the wells. As long as the pain is present, any forgiveness you achieve will be a temporary elevation of feelings, likely to sink into a pool of defensive resentment or contempt as soon as the unhealed wound flares up again.

 

I had a friend who was pressuring me to forgive my ex. I had to tell her that I was trying but I couldn't rush it because what Stosny says here was very true for me. The more I tried to force it the more I actually retarded my own healing.

[Fudgie]

I like this thread.

 

Clinton, you do what's right for you. Some people really want to forgive and forget (or forgive and not forget, but not harbor bad feelings) and if that's what makes them sleep well at night, well good for them. But if you're doing just fine in your own life, no health issues, no issues with having relationships with new people, then then hey, go for it.

 

It's really highly individual. I don't think any one way is "better" than the other. If you two are cordial and respectful, it doesn't really matter how you personally feel about her so it's all good.

 

I think too often, people try to live up to some silly religious ideal, and flog themselves for years over trying to "Forgive" and love everyone. Forgive your cheating ex spouse. Forgive and love your horrid in-laws. It's a load of crap. I see so many people suffer through just utter CRAP to be with people who they hate, who usually hate them right back. All in the name of image and "forgiveness".

 

Well, I say life is too short. If I don't like someone, I'll stay home and not see them. I don't have to love and forgive everyone in my life, I can just not see them or cut them out, whatever is easier.

 

Life is so much easier when you don't force yourself to adhere to stupid customs or ideals.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm far from an expert, but I've always wondered if grudge-holding is an evolutionary adaptation. When someone hurts us, we remember, and that helps protect us in the future.

 

I've been angry at my first girlfriend for the last...sixteen years, roughly? I used to love her and hate her at the same time. Now I just hate her, mostly.

 

Anger is okay. The reason we have so many "nice guys" and "go along to get along" girls is because we've been taught to repress certain feelings. Instead of saying how we feel, we say what society wants us to, and it screws us up.

[sky09]

C, forgiveness is for you, not her. Why hold that poison inside you? Not telling you how to live your life, so do whatever makes you happy

[ParisPaulette]

I'm far from an expert, but I've always wondered if grudge-holding is an evolutionary adaptation. When someone hurts us, we remember, and that helps protect us in the future.

 

I've been angry at my first girlfriend for the last...sixteen years, roughly? I used to love her and hate her at the same time. Now I just hate her, mostly.

 

Anger is okay. The reason we have so many "nice guys" and "go along to get along" girls is because we've been taught to repress certain feelings. Instead of saying how we feel, we say what society wants us to, and it screws us up.

 

There is some serious truth to this.