Neediness placing a burden on my girlfriend - help me!

[cocis]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months now. We both have children from previous relationships – she is 45 and I am 40. We both have histories that are playing out on our relationship as well.

 

The issue that I am struggling with is to do with confidence in our relationship – in particular I feel I am very needy. I feel hurt when she does not reciprocate a loving gesture or text that I send. I feel I want to make arrangements to talk with her on the phone when we are not seeing each other that night, whereas she seems less bothered. I get hurt when she goes out and does not text me for a while. I even get hurt when I sense that I am grabbing kisses off her and she is not grabbing them off me.

 

It all sounds very pathetic. I've done a fair bit of reading and I don’t think the root of the issue is anything to do with me having low self esteem. I know I am an interesting fun person, and I know she feels that too. Also, I know that she is deeply in love me, just as I am with her. When we spend time together there is an incredibly powerful connection of intimacy and passion. We both relish time together.

 

The trouble is when we are apart – that is when I get needy. I recognise this is an issue for me, but up to now I have tended to point out what hurts me – whether it be wording in her texts, her not being lovingly expressive enough, her wanting to not talk on the phone sometimes (recently she did not want to after she had been to a counselling session). I feel like I am expressing my love and commitment to her more than she is to me. Pointing out each thing causes her to end up feeling criticised all the time, and not loved for the person she is. She feels like she has to tread on egg shells, and is afraid not to set me off by doing something I might get hurt by.

 

I see the unreasonable burden this places on her and on the relationship. I worry that from what I have read that what I am doing could result in breaking the relationship. I feel guilty for how it makes her feel. I know this must frustrate her, and must be a really unattractive thing I am exhibiting. And yet I feel powerless at the moment to address it.

 

She came in to the relationship cautious because of past hurt and a past abusive relationship. Whereas I felt like I had found 'the one' and threw myself emotionally into it. I have always felt there is an emotional deficit. I so wish her to abandon all remaining caution and bask with me in the special love we share. She tells me she loves me, and at times really expresses it through her cuddles, sex, kissing and words. But at other times it feels like it is missing, or dialled down, particularly when we are apart for a day or two.

 

How do I check this in me? I feel like the route of it is that I feel very exposed – I love her more than anyone else before. I fear losing that. So when something crops up which irritates that fear, I seek reassurance from her. What can I do?

[mhowe]

Pointing out each thing causes her to end up feeling criticised all the time, and not loved for the person she is.

 

I think YOU need to get some counseling sessions because this needy behavior as well as your criticism will break the relationship.

[agent1607307371]

What can I do?

 

Learn to control yourself. Because the more responsible you make her for your feelings, the less she'll want to deal with you and your feelings.

 

I second Mhowes advice.

[HLnoelle]

I agree with the two previous replies. Therapy is so beneficial. Talking to a non-biased person about everything you are experiencing, is very healthy for you. Similar to feedback you get from others on this site. It can be comforting to get an outside opinion. Start there. Then I suggest really thinking about the pros and cons of this relationship. To me it does not sound like you are happy, nor does she. If there is a lack of balance in feelings, as stated by you, I'd say it's time to move on given how long you've been together. Communication is important, and you both are clearly not on the same page in the relationship. And like I said, if you aren't still at this point chances are it will not improve. Hope things get better for you.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with seeing a councilor for yourself too. I think you could get a lot of work done in a short amount of time, that way.

 

Did you have these types of feelings and issue in previous relationships, or is this new? It might be worth exploring how you chose someone who has recently come out of an abusive relationship, when you have issues around neediness. You particularly chose someone who would be less emotionally available and would take more time for them to trust, which I find interesting, and could play into the dynamic for sure.

 

If you are both working on your issues in therapy, you could have a great shot at something here though. You won't know unless you try - and she seems to be doing her work, so now it's your turn to work on your side a little bit here. Good luck!

[cocis]

Many thanks for your helpful replies! Much appreciated.

 

We are on the same page in so many ways, and have a really very special loving bond between us where we can have great fun, we laugh together, appreciate each other's humour, enjoy a lot of the same things, like to cuddle, are really well suited sexually, are very attracted to one another and have a desire to be with each other. So there isn't one bit of me that looks upon the relationship as somehow being fundamentally flawed. We are both very fussy and do not fall in love easily at all, but have fallen deeply in love together and it feels great for both of us.

 

There is an imbalance in feelings which I sense sometimes. I tend to have my feelings on my sleeve, and am always at any instant able to express my loving feelings. I think she is different to me though - she can get caught up in day to day strife - whether it be work, her daughter's dog weeing on the rug, her sister getting the hump about something. Her mood is able to be affected like that, and at those times she sometimes withdraws in to herself. The most extreme example is after a counselling session. This is all very understandable and natural I know.

 

We saw each other last night and talked some things through. I don't think she sees my neediness as being quite as bad as I do, but she does acknowledge that I need to get it sorted. I do feel that our love is really strong and that we are both committed to the relationship and we both know we have issues we need to deal with. We have discussed that we will deal with them. So I feel positive.

 

I think there are emotional legacies at play with each of us that may trigger things for both of us. Her marriage (which ended 3 years before we got together) had been abusive - both emotionally and physically. She came out of it with trust issues and not wanting to be in a vulnerable position again. She thought she could never be in a relationship again and had almost given up on that. Some of my background has affected me too - I was born with a small deformity in my penis which I had corrected when my long term relationship ended 5 years ago. But it affected my development and self perception for most of my life. I also lived through my dad abandoning my mum when I was 4.

 

So maybe I have baggage that means I seek assurance and security from the relationship, and she has baggage that holds her back from completely letting go at times. They maybe play off each other, and my neediness is what develops in response.

 

Anyway, I am going to go and see a counsellor. I think if there is an issue then action needs to be taken to fix it, so I will. She is just too valuable to me and I love her too much to not take ownership and try and resolve this thing. It's funny - I feel all balanced at the moment because I saw her last night and everything was close, loving, special etc. But I know that there will be a danger zone at some point in the near future where I'll be craving reassurance again. I just need to know techniques for dealing with it when I am in that zone I think. Mind over emotion or something - ways to emotionally control myself so I do not act on instinct and feelings. Any ideas please shout!

[mhowe]

Victoria66, a member here, has a thread called My Toolbox ---- on methods for self soothing. Type her name in the search, find her thread.

[cocis]

Those techniques for mind control are very interesting. I think I definitely have the inclination to obsess over things - my approach is to think things out and think around things fully. I've always done that and tended to be reflective in that way. I think it is a helpful way to be - to be reflective - because the way I see it, it means that I am not glossing over things or bottling stuff up only to come out in an uncontrolled way at some point in the future.

 

But I think I haven't really seen the downside to this either. There is a fine line between thinking things through and obsessing in an unproductive way. So being disciplined over thought processes is a really insightful thing that is grabbing me. Thinking is not always healthy I guess. I will get counselling, but also try and practice some of these toolbox things. It's good to have something practical to start to try. Reasons to be positive!