Feelings of inadequacy

[niceandslow]

A few weeks back I posted about feeling like I was just an option for the guy I was dating. Sure enough, we talked and he admitted he wasn't ready to get serious and wanted to date casually. I have been really down about it but I guess I kinda saw it coming.

 

The hardest thing right now is this feeling of inadequacy. It is the same old story with every guy I date, and it's hard not to feel like I am not good enough or there is something wrong with me. I feel like guys keep me around for awhile until something better comes along, and I'm always just an option. I constantly question if anybody will ever want to seriously date me. I feel undateable and unloveable.

 

I am in successful in all other aspects of my life yet I cannot succeed with dating. It makes me so wary to even date anymore because of this constant fear of the same thing happening over and over again.

 

I see a therapist. I write in my journal. I try to remain positive but the negativity always seems to creep back in.

 

Has anybody gone through something similar? Does anybody have any ideas or advice on how to move past the negativity and feelings of inadequacy?

[Patrick974]

Good question. In those paragraphs I dont think you might give bad vibes. Sometimes I was the 'toy-boy' for some weeks. Sometimes I was seen as long term potential. Depending on the women. I can understand being 30 you want more than anything causal from now on.

[Andrina]

Yes, I've been in those situations, and believe me, it's the poor quality of single men out there, and has nothing to do with you being "less than." In my experiences, I found that guys wanted to date until getting to the point where boinking happened and then they were out of there, since they were too lazy and shallow to put in the effort of building a beautiful life with someone.

 

I came to the realization that if a good guy was single, it was only for a good reason and for a brief time, as some smart woman would snap him up. After several years of unsuccessful dating, I found my future husband on online dating, even though I had many disastrous experiences with others in the past in that arena. Just about every long term woman my husband was with ended up cheating on him. That was the reason he was single when I met him, and he had taken a break for 2 years after that to concentrate on raising his daughter.

 

It's hard to sift through all of that sand to find the treasure, but worth it in the end. Try link removed to supplement your social life. There are some really nice groups out there with down-to-earth people who are enjoying shared activities. I found that reading one particular book helped me to develop a more positive mindset while I was single: The Key to Living the Law of Attraction by Jack Canfield. I wish the best for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe you should read some journals from some of the ladies here.

 

Particularly faraday and notalady. It might be instructive to you to read about how they have improved themselves and sense of self worth in a dating context.

 

There are a lot of great men out there. There are a lot of women who seem to find them quite or somewhat easily. There is no reason you cannot as well.

[SophieGrace]

Not sure how your relationship dynamics played out with the guy, but a good way to maintain a guy's interest if the initial spark is there is to NOT be the pursuer - don't call him first, text him first, ask him on dates. Let him chase you a bit. Be busy sometimes when he asks. Men almost always value what they earn more than what is just there for the taking and easy to come by without any effort.

 

You didn't say what you did in this past relationship, but if I remember your previous posts correctly you said something about him telling you he wanted "me" time and that your expectations were too much, which leads me to think you were a little overbearing rather than letting him come to you and set the initial pace.

 

And I assume it doesn't need to be said (but I'm saying it anyway) that exuding fear and inadequacy isn't the best way to attract men. Once you see yourself as valuable and worthy, you emit that confidence and the guy feels it too. But it sounds like you are working on those things with your therapist and your journal-writing which is great.

[thejigsup]

You be the prize, not him. Simple as that. When men see that you think you are a catch, they will think so, too. If you don't, they won't.

[niceandslow]

Not sure how your relationship dynamics played out with the guy, but a good way to maintain a guy's interest if the initial spark is there is to NOT be the pursuer - don't call him first, text him first, ask him on dates. Let him chase you a bit. Be busy sometimes when he asks. Men almost always value what they earn more than what is just there for the taking and easy to come by without any effort.

 

 

You make some valid points. In the past, I have been guilty of this. But I didn't see it with this one. The first 3 months we were dating, I was very busy with work and other stuff going on. The last few weeks I have had some downtime before work gets busy again. (My job is very cyclical with various events that we do). I guess when I wasn't as busy I noticed the change. To your point, I may have asked to see him a bit more frequently than I did previously but I did so knowing that my free time would be short lived. How long do you date someone and not be the pursuer? I get guys like the chase but how long do you keep that up? A few weeks? Months? A year?

 

After several months of dating, shouod I constantly be waiting for someone to come to me?

 

I don't think I exude the feelings of inadequacy while dating. Just feeling them right about now. I try to give myself enough time before dating so I'm not in throat negative mind frame.

 

 

Thanks for all the suggestions.

[Dottieflanogon]

I have been in those situation too where every guy I meet seems to be only looking for a hook up. One in particular was this guy I had a big crush on in high school. We ran into each other years later and he openly admitted that he was attracted to me as well. needlessly to say, all he was interested in was sex, nothing else. He would only call when he wants to hook up at night time. Every time I made plans to hangout he would always have excuses as to why he couldn't make it. I decided to put a stop it since I was clearly his booty call and wanted more. Then few years later he got a girlfriend, there were pictures of them all over his Face book, kissing and professing their love for one another ...It definitely made me inadequent and resentful ,like was not good enough to be his girlfriend

 

Another incident was when I met this guy at Gas station years ago and we exchanged numbers . Then I recall him calling me later on that same day ,at 1:00 am to meet him and his friend in a hotel.Like ?

 

I started to wonder why almost every guy only wanted one thing from me..not girlfriend material to them,I didn't dress provocatively either. I just came into conclusion that It isn't me, It's the type of guys I was meeting

 

 

I don't have any great advice but You could try to maintain firm boundaries at the beginning of dating/meeting someone so they get the hint you are looking for a relationship. Or simply let them know.. Sorry for your trouble but know you are not alone.