Fear of the future

[Firepunch]

Hello everyone

 

I am currently in the best relationship I've ever been in . We are 8 months strong and he is the biggest support I've ever had in my life . We are each others best friends and havent gone more the three days without seeing each other. I lost my virginity of him . We've have had alot of sex over the last six months. I am 23 and he is 20 . Here is some background

 

I had just gotten out of a bad relationship about 4 months prior where the guy was just with me to get sex. He tried to manipulate me the same week my father passed away. I was with him for about 6 months and he was my first love. Life has no been easy for me . I have a very broken family and bad home life. I got kicked out of college for low grades (I am going to appeal for next semester as I only have about 15 credits left ), I suffer from anxiety issues but they are not bad, I am also very poor and live in a very bad neighborhood. The sum it up, my life hasnt ever been in a "good" place. I'm 23 and still live at home desperately trying to escape home. I'm currently taking a course to try and move out of this hell.

 

My boyfriend is the opposite . He lives in a beautiful house and has a very close family . He wants to be a nurse .

 

So when i'm down in the dumps about my life I talk to him about it . He always cheers me up. He tells me how when we marry things are going to be great and all of our future plans. It makes me very happy and he always knows what to say . I tell him everything. I cook for him , he drives us places and we've taken about two trips. He always makes me feel loved and always thinks about me. He makes me feel safe and super hopeful . We have the same group of friends and there isnt a moment where we arent laughing like hyenas together.

 

Heres where we sorta have hit a problem. I do not really have a family .My mother isnt all the way there in the head, I dont talk to my siblings , and my father has passed. I depend alot on my friends for affection and support . I've found myself extremely attached to my boyfriend, very much in love. It reminds me of how I felt with my last boyfriend and he turned on me just to get into my pants and basically used me and pushed me down. I'm in a course that will take about 4 months and during that course things will get tough . I found myself thinking alot about breaking up, I dont know why. I would imagine life after breaking up and it made me very very sad . I made a choice to depend less emotionally on my boyfriend. I began to avoid him and respond to him with one work responses. In my head it just made sense to "prepare" myself as I feel like we will break up eventually. He constantly tells me that we are never breaking up and that i'm his last. He began to notice it and while I was at the hospital he drove over . I felt bad as he kept asking me what was wrong . I finally caved and told him that I was trying to just de attach myself a little to allow myself to be okay if we break up. That way I wont be devastated and can continue to try and change my life. He was shocked and his eyes got watery. I instantly felt terrible . He told me he wish I hadnt told him that and that he feels bad. I felt like such a A-hole .I almost cried and apologized for like a week, making it up any way I could. It sounded like an okay idea in my head.

 

It kept me up at night as I remembered his hurt face. He really is the sweetest thing ever and always put me first. He hugs and grabs on to me like i'm a precious gem . He always complements me and always eager to see me . Always tells me how we arent breaking up and that we will be together until we are ancient . He treats me very well.

 

I dont know what to do! I do love my boyfriend a lot but at the same time I feel like if we were to break up I would be devastated. I dont like the feeling of feeling so emotionally connected to someone . After my last relationship I was thrown into depression ( alot happened at once, my ex, my dad dying, family breaking apart, friend problems) . I just couldnt handle it . I dont think I will ever feel like that but just a fraction of it scares me. My best friend of 3 years stopped being my friend about a year ago and that broke me too . I suppose this is a level of being clingy but I do not know how to overcome it and be emotionally independent. I'm trying to do things for myself and turn my life around but it's a very hard journey . I know I will need support but I want to be okay if that support isnt there.

 

Any advice?

[appies]

You can't let your fear of the future stop you from enjoying the present. It sounds like you've been in lots of trauma, and may be self sabotaging the relationship. He sounds like an awesome guy. Find happiness in yourself and allow happiness in the relationship.

[Firepunch]

I try not to let my past experiences bother me but at the same time I just think "it's too good to be true".

 

When do you reach the line between emotional dependency and being clingy? Arent they basically the same thing?

[appies]

Whats the point in spoiling something that is 'too good to be true.' I think its good that you're reminding yourself to be realistic, but dont create problems when they dont exist.

 

I think being emotional dependent and clingy are similar. But to me emotional dependency is when you can no longer function normally without the other person. But you and your BF can still help each other grow.

[Lucia Amman]

You're afraid and you shouldn't life with your fears. If we did nothing we are afraid of we would be standing still.

 

I've had the best time when I was single. I absolutely loved dating - I might be one of the few on here - and meeting new people. I wasn't searching for a relationship either, so that might have helped. I went on a solo vacation, solo trips. I met new friends that didn't stay but whatever. In summary: I really had the best time. Then along came my boyfriend and yes at one time, pretty soon, he scared me. We scared me. I wanted to be with him every day, every hour. I missed him when I was doing something fun without him. I missed him when he was doing something fun without me. And no - that doesn't feel natural. Especially if you are used to your single life. If you just have found a way to be happy without 'the' someone. It's setting you back. Because you know he can hurt you so much when he will end the relationship. So I ended it. He left me alone. It was self-sabotaging behavior and completely nuts too if you think about. You're ending it because you're afraid that he will end it?!

 

Fortunately I got me marbles back and asked him again. From that time I never wanted to be separated again. I'm not afraid of losing him again. He is here to stay. Even if he would leave me, it probably won't be tomorrow and definitely not today.

 

The only place where fears lays are in the future and the future simply doesn't exist in our world. It completely doesn't. It's made up. You can't break up with him if you're afraid for something that isn't happening. Not 'yet' because 'yet' doesn't exist.

 

I'm totally clingy by the way with my boyfriend. We hardly do anything without each other and we live together. But I'm not emotional dependent on him. I own my own emotions, my own happiness and my own fears. I rely on my boyfriend for being a stable factor in my life. For staying by my side when I feel like rubbish today. Or to be happy for me when I'm happy. But he doesn't define my emotions. When I'm feeling down I will let him know - but i know he won't fix it. I need to fix it. And I know this. So I go do something about it, not with him by the way. I go to yoga, I run, I read a book. Anything that helps me to bring me at my core-self again. And for any healthy relationship I think this is key. You are the king of your emotions. You depend on yourself for that. Not someone else.

 

But clingy: we totally are clingers! We very much enjoy each other's company and I don't think anything is wrong with that.

 

What happens if he breaks up? You will get down for a few months. Maybe even a year or two. And then you'll find yourself again. The world doesn't end. Trust me.

 

Be clingy. Stay emotional independent. And live.