needhelp6 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 We're getting married in one week and my fiancee and I were discussing what to do if we receive a wedding gift (all invited were told no gifts please). I told my fiancee we should return them and fiancee said that would be rude, we should keep them. Anyone run into this situation, how did you handle it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 It is rude to return them. That tells somebody that you're not respecting their time ,their money or the fact they thought of you. Keep them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Send them thank you notes. it's rude to return a gift. just be gracious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 My brother, who married last year at 55 to a woman approx same age with her own home, asked that in lieu of gifts, a donation to. Charity they had been involved in for a decade. They raised a lot of money. I am sure some gave gifts...you don't return them. If you cannot use them, I am sure there are loads of charities that could use them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottieflanogon Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I would keep then unless you called off the wedding which is not the case Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Give the gifts to charity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You dont return them! People like to give gifts for special occasions even if none are requested or expected. It's rude to return them. If you truly can't use anything you are given, then give to charity or a women's shelter if appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 As with any gift received, be polite and send a thank you note. Many people feel awkward by not sending a wedding gift, in spite of a request asking otherwise. I'm sure their heart was in the right place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 We're getting married in one week and my fiancee and I were discussing what to do if we receive a wedding gift (all invited were told no gifts please). I told my fiancee we should return them and fiancee said that would be rude, we should keep them. Anyone run into this situation, how did you handle it? It would be incredibly rude. If it happens, keep them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 We're getting married in one week and my fiancee and I were discussing what to do if we receive a wedding gift (all invited were told no gifts please). I told my fiancee we should return them and fiancee said that would be rude, we should keep them. She's 100% correct. It would be incredibly rude to send gifts back. Be gracious and make sure to send thank you cards! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I think you should keep the gifts. People WANT to give the bride and groom something and it is very rude to refuse a gift. You may find people skip the registry, but bring something homemade. Or they have been wanting to gift you a particular item for a long time. If you really did not want presents because you both have households and plenty of things, then the polite thing to do is to direct your guests - tell them "we both have households full of everything we need to start a life together or we just bought a 350 square foot condo in Manhatten. Please make your presence your present. If you insist on a gift, may we suggest writing down your favorite recipe, making copies of old family photos for us, or making a donation to the our favorite charity, The Hedge Hog Rescue of Canada?" If you don't want presents because you want MONEY - and its not because of space, etc, then I would be gracious if you receive gifts. Some people register for things on their honey moon - like people can buy you chocolate covered strawberries to be waiting in your room, an excursion, etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I am in the "give to charity " gang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toby17 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 It would be extremely rude. If you don't want the gift, give it away, sell it on ebay, or keep it for re-gifting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 The thing about donating to charity... It's one thing that you do it on your own terms, but it's another when you're telling people how to spend their money. Yes, donating to a charity is nice, but it should be of one's own funds, not telling others to make the donation out of theirs. They might not support the charity in question, or they might not want to give to any charity. That's what makes it not good etiquette. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Keep the gifts, send 'thank you' notes and then donate the gifts to charity if you don't want them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 The thing about donating to charity... It's one thing that you do it on your own terms, but it's another when you're telling people how to spend their money. Yes, donating to a charity is nice, but it should be of one's own funds, not telling others to make the donation out of theirs. They might not support the charity in question, or they might not want to give to any charity. That's what makes it not good etiquette. No one says they MUST. It's just an option for people who really WANT to give something to the bride and groom. A friend of my just turned 30 and she asked - instead of gifts - to donate to a cancer fund because a friend died just a week before her birthday due to cancer. I understood the sentiment and thought it was a lovely gesture from her to raise awareness. Nonetheless: I didn't donate and instead just asked my friend to buy her lunch. She doesn't know or asked if I donated anything. We didn't talked about it at all. And I still felt good that I brought her to have lunch with me as a birthday gift. I don't see anything wrong with people asking for donation instead of gifts as long as it not mandatory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needhelp6 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Great feedback, I guess I'm pretty out of touch thinking we could return them, thinking it through more (with the help of these posts) that would be rude. Wishing we would have done the charity thing on the invitations for those who desire to gift something. Due to combining two households we truly need nothing in terms of traditional wedding gifts, (hell, we don't need anything otherwise) so I imagine gifts would be items like crystal, a vase, spa day items like that. I'm involved with a charity that holds an annual auction, I suppose I could donate the items for auction. That said, some of the guests attend the annual fundraiser/auction and wouldn't it be rude if they saw the item they gave us for our wedding up for auction? If the items were traditional like a toaster, pans etc. we could donate to a charity that assists in getting people back on their feet but they won't be. Maybe we could establish value of the items and make a donation. P.S. Wedding is one week from today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 No one says they MUST. It's just an option for people who really WANT to give something to the bride and groom. A friend of my just turned 30 and she asked - instead of gifts - to donate to a cancer fund because a friend died just a week before her birthday due to cancer. I understood the sentiment and thought it was a lovely gesture from her to raise awareness. Nonetheless: I didn't donate and instead just asked my friend to buy her lunch. She doesn't know or asked if I donated anything. We didn't talked about it at all. And I still felt good that I brought her to have lunch with me as a birthday gift. I don't see anything wrong with people asking for donation instead of gifts as long as it not mandatory! There are flaws with this thinking, and often you have to look at it from the guest's - the gift giver - perspective. Just because you like to have an "out" to do something less traditional does not mean that others do. Some people really do like taking the time and buying something that they think the couple will like and appreciate. By stating that you would rather them donate to a charity of your choice then give you a gift could potentially hurt some people's feelings. I am one of these people. I enjoy picking out gifts (or giving money) for people because I want them to know how much they mean to me. I received an invitation to a wedding once that had on the bottom of the invitation, "in lieu of gifts, the couple requests to have cash donations made to [some missionary service that works with children in Africa]. I was highly offended after I read that, and honestly - not trying to be snarky here - it made me feel like no matter what gift I gave them, it wouldn't be good enough for them. In addition, I am a teacher and have taught students who were homeless or had to migrate around the country with their families to survive, to have food on their table and clothes on their backs. I'd prefer to help those children living in my own country first. See how this can be off-putting to people who don't share the same causes or values as you might? So as a guest it gave me an awkward feeling of, well do I have to donate? Will my friends judge me if I don't? That kind of a thing. Again, not being snarky, just thought I would share one of my experiences with this type of thing. To me and many people, the issue is that it makes your wedding feel like a fundraiser. I am taking my time and effort to support the couple getting married- not causes they believe in. By saying "we'd prefer donations to charity instead of gifts," its like stating you DO expect something. That's when it becomes tacky even if you say guests do not have to- it is still pressuring compared to a wedding registry where there are options. No one is obligated to buy you anything. Just don't register. Don't have a shower. If you don't want gifts. If people give you money then donate it to charity under your own name.. And why would receiving money feel strange? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Well. Agree to disagree Snny. I don't see anything wrong with. On the other hand your last sentences made me feel snarky haha I would be highly offended if the couple would happily receive money and than decide to all give it to charity! If I gave them money I would expect they would use it for their own interest. Whether it is a honeymoon, home improvement or a sick kid in their family that needs their help; that's fine. Giving it to charity and not provided that info before the wedding is tacky imho. But I think you'll disagree on my in this. That's fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I would be highly offended if the couple would happily receive money and than decide to all give it to charity! So how is this any different than telling people to donate? Even better, how is it different compared to a honeymoon fund? It isn't. In the end you are still asking people to give money, which is still rude. If you didn't ask for money and people still gave you it, it isn't their business how you spend it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You do sound "snarky." This is their wedding and if they wish the funds to go to Africa, then that's their choice. This is not about you! "To me and many people, the issue is that it makes your wedding feel like a fundraiser. I am taking my time and effort to support the couple getting married- not causes they believe in. By saying "we'd prefer donations to charity instead of gifts," its like stating you DO expect something. That's when it becomes tacky even if you say guests do not have to- it is still pressuring compared to a wedding registry where there are options." Way too much thought is going into your gifts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 So how is this any different than telling people to donate? Even better, how is it different compared to a honeymoon fund? It isn't. In the end you are still asking people to give money, which is still rude. If you didn't ask for money and people still gave you it, it isn't their business how you spend it. For ME it is different. Like I said we would probably disagree about this If they asked for money or didn't state anywhere they don't want money and I end up giving it to them I may give them like say 50 bucks. But if I have the option to donate to a charity and that's the only thing they ask I'll probably spend less or more depending on the charity. Than it IS my choice. Not if I give it to them and the decide to give it to charity without further notice. But like I said. I understand you think different about this. This is just what I think. Then again: I'm fine with people asking money for charity. I'm not fine if people make this announcement after I already gave them the money. IMHO that is tacky. And I feel never obligated to buy gifts or give money or gift to charity. It stays your choice to do what you like. I often give people something entirely different than a tactile gift or straight up money. So that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I was surprised to read an Emily Post article that stated it's poor form to include any discussion of gifts in an invitation to anything except for a shower--period. This includes listing a registry, as it implies that gifts are expected, or any 'no gifts' or 'in lieu of gifts' statement, as these can be viewed as ungracious attempts to control. Accept gifts graciously, write thank you letters immediately and by hand. For an extra dose of tradition, you can invite the givers to your home within a year and prominently display or use any objects given (even if only for that visit), and if given cash, treat the giver to a lovely meal in your home or at a nice restaurant--regardless of whether you've used the money to contribute to your own charity. And you are correct that nobody's gift should be seen being auctioned off. Being thoughtful and creative with unwanted gifts is hardly the worst problem to have. The objective is to cultivate your bonds with the people you've invited to celebrate your marriage--and this is more about treating people kindly and as special to you than it is about any material expressions. Good manners aren't a show, they're about making the people in your life feel appreciated--all else is irrelevant. Congrats on your wedding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You do sound "snarky." This is their wedding and if they wish the funds to go to Africa, then that's their choice. This is not about you! You seriously ask people to give you money as a gift? For your wedding? Would you ask your family and friends to fund any other vacation you want to go on? Do you make GoFundMe pages and tell people to donate for your trips? Because that is basically what you are doing when you have a honeyfund. HM are just vacations. Period. If you want to go on a vacation then you need to pay for it yourself like an adult, or go on one you can afford. If one of your guests is kind enough to hand you a check and tells you to put it towards your HM without you asking them, that's awesome. But to actually out right ask people to give you money for HM is disgustingly tacky and rude. Way too much thought is going into your gifts. Thanks! I care about my friends and family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You seriously ask people to give you money as a gift? For your wedding? Would you ask your family and friends to fund any other vacation you want to go on? Do you make GoFundMe pages and tell people to donate for your trips? Because that is basically what you are doing when you have a honeyfund. HM are just vacations. Period. If you want to go on a vacation then you need to pay for it yourself like an adult, or go on one you can afford. If one of your guests is kind enough to hand you a check and tells you to put it towards your HM without you asking them, that's awesome. But to actually out right ask people to give you money for HM is disgustingly tacky and rude. Thanks! I care about my friends and family Good grief! You are putting too much energy into this! It is part of our culture. You give gifts for certain events. If someone is selfless enough to request a donation to a charity of THEIR choice, I will oblige, as it is not my day. If this is such an issue for you, then perhaps you should decline all invitations you do not approve of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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