Iamhim718 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for 5 years and engaged for almost 1 year. We also have a 3 year old son. I believe that my fiances father thinks his daughter is his girlfriend/spouse. He is a middle aged single man between 40 and 50 that currently lives at home with his mom. My fiancé also lives with the two of them as myself and her are home shopping. My reasons for this post are as follows: #1 he tries to do everything I do tic for tac. For example if i take her to a restaraunt. He will take her to the same restaraunt and brag about buying her a bigger meal or drink. #2 He asks her to help make up his bed. #3 He won't date a woman period and will only go out if his daughter is going with him. #4 he gets upset if she doesn't eat at home/eat his food. #5 he has my son call him daddy and makes fatherly decisions. For example my son hurt himself and had to spend the night in the hospital. He told my fiancé not to call me and tell me my son was in the hospital. #6 he tells her that we shouldn't get a home together and that she should continue to live with him and his mom. #7 he says things to her like "all men cheat." #8 he compares her physical features to others (sickening) #9 ourlives revolve around this guy. If I would like to take her to dinner she says well let me call my dad and see if he's cooking etc...(our ages are 27 and 28btw) #10 I work long hours during the week so on weekends when i go see my son and her , he sets up happy hour dates, movie dates etc..with them so that my time is limited with them. I believe she also contributes to some of the issues. I feel like myself and him are sharing her. All of this from a guy who never showed up to his daughters basketball games , paid for her college or even raised her. His mom raised her. I don't understand the loyalty. When I raise the concern she says "I'm tired of feeling bad because I have a relationship with my father." Maybe I don't understand ? Should I leave the relationship , I believe this affects us? Or my lack of understanding is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She is who she is and she doesn't want to cut back on her time that she spends with her father. Its up to you whether or not you can accept the relationship or not and if you can't, then it's time to leave her and find someone who is less involved with their Dad. Their relationship may or may not be unhealthy/codependent, tough to say without actually knowing them. My advice is given as is because I have lost my father three years ago and there is not a day goes wherein I wish I still had more time with him. My husband never begrudged or complained about the caregiving I had to do for my father when he was in his late 80's before he passed. Bottom line: You've talked to her about your concerns and she's who she is and is staying that way. You could ask her one last time to compromise and perhaps show you a bit more focus then she is on her father. If she doesn't want to compromise either, well then what are you gonna do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Paying for college is not a parents responsibility, that's simply an American thing/myth. It's not parents responsibility to do so, but a "nice to have" if possible. This plays 0 role on parents responsibility. It sounds like he is an involved father, what's wrong with that? Some of the things are a bit weird but hey. If you have beef with him calling your son dad, you need to talk to him and also tell your son to call him papa or grandpa. I sense that you are simply missing companionship from your girl due to the fact that she doesn't live with you and is with her father more. Understandable. You 2 need to live together (good distance from her parents/family) so BOTH of you can focus on raising your son/family. My wife had a really crappy father as well and it took me at least 10-15 years to convince her that he is worthless. In time, and due to lack of his involvement with her or my kids/family.......his actions spoke for themselves. Her situation is a bit different though, sure he was MIA but now is involved and plays a big role in her life. Seems like she forgave him. Let them have a relationship they both deserve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 He knows she is his daughter and he is afraid of losing her. He lives with his mother. Since you don't live with your fiancé and your son, he has taken over the father role. Odd that he has the child call him daddy, but wth. Your gf is playing into this. Are you planning on her moving in with you after you marry (when is wedding) or this this just a long engagement? Or are you moving in with them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Bottom line: You've talked to her about your concerns and she's who she is and is staying that way. You could ask her one last time to compromise and perhaps show you a bit more focus then she is on her father. If she doesn't want to compromise either, well then what are you gonna do? Agreed, it almost seems like his girl is not making him (OP) her priority. Truth is, OP needs to be her priority. Even before their son....and especially father. Just no ultimatums OP. You are simply craving for attention and companionship that ANYONE deserves in a healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Tbh, I don't think this sounds healthy at all. But if it's the relationship she wants with him, there's nothing you can do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why aren't your fiancee and son living with YOU? I am all for not living together before marriage, but if you have a child together, that ship has left the port. I would think that you would be living as a family and establishing that the family unit is mom and dad. Or, at the very least, if you don't want to get caught in the trap of putting the wedding off after you are comfortable living together (what's the rush,etc), your son is sleeping over with you sometimes, your fiancee and son are over frequently even if your fiancee returns to sleep at her father's home at night. I would think if you have a child, you would have married, even in a small ceremony to establish you family. You need to stop being Mr. Nice guy and you need to step in and be this child's father and not allow your future father in law to be called "daddy". Also, is there an actual wedding date? If not, you should. Is there a reason why you have not put your foot down and established a home for your family to live in and a reason why you have not married ?? At any rate, sounds like emotional incest more so than house rules. I would sit down with your fiancee and have a chat. That your son is not allowed to call grandpa 'daddy', and that you will be a family - the three of you - and ask how you both can best do. If she won't set a wedding date or makes excuses - then I wish you luck. If it wasn't for the child, I would leave. yes, its the dad. Yes its your fiancee for putting up with it - but its also you for not establishing your family and the child being 3 years old - you have not made a move to establish your family and household. When a child is involved, its not "will you marry me" but "when do you want the wedding?" or if they don't want to marry you, you establish visitation. The ring means nothing if you don't intend to marry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 btw, is dad supporting her completely financially, and your son? And where is mom? did she run for the hills after living with her husband and his mom? Or did she die? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iamhim718 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 btw, is dad supporting her completely financially, and your son? And where is mom? did she run for the hills after living with her husband and his mom? Or did she die? Her DAd provides no support for either. He just pays his moms cable bill. Her mom left along time ago because he has a problem. She refers to him as loser and has told us long ago to get away from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why aren't they living with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iamhim718 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 She won't. Her mom owned two homes I offered to buy one from her and he convinced her to move out the house and back home to his moms house . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
relevart Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 He's her father. That's not changing. Some of it seems odd, but not overtly odd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She won't. Her mom owned two homes I offered to buy one from her and he convinced her to move out the house and back home to his moms house . Okay - buying one of her mother's homes off of her mom to move her in is not the answer - renting or buying YOUR own home and moving YOUR family in with you is the answer. Its not about offering to buy a home from her mom (maybe its a hot button issue because her mom owned it also). Moving to a third location (away from dad, but not with you either,) should not even be an option at this point. Its either she and your son live as a family with YOU or you break up and you go to court for custody, etc and would also claim "alienation of affection" as that is what is being done here if your son calls his grandpa daddy, you are not getting phone calls when your son is hurt, etc. and he is advising her against contact with you . I highly recommend counseling. I am not into ultimatums, butits really an either or - I mean, you can't get married AND have her live with dad. btw, DO you have a wedding date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 If she's that thick with her father I'd hate to be around when he dies. She sounds quite dependent on him and may not be able to handle living on her own, with or without you. The whole thing sounds weird to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toby17 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I believe that my fiances father thinks his daughter is his girlfriend/spouse. Maybe if he has a mental problem. But I don't think, he thinks that. He's competing with you. It reminds me of that period little boys go through when they compete with their fathers. I believe she also contributes to some of the issues. I wondered about this and then you confirmed it. I was going to ask you what your gf thinks about it all, but unfortunately she doesn't mind. Should I leave the relationship I would seriously consider this except you have a son and you'd be leaving your son around this man. Moving out will probably put an end to most of your problems. I'd step up your home buying efforts or rent your own place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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