Relationship and partner is living with there "ex".

[Bradster79]

Greetings, first time poster here.

 

I find myself in a predicament in a relationship, I only have myself to blame. I really would appreciate a neutral opinion from the outside looking in on what you think would be in my best interest.

 

I’m 35 and have dated quite a lot, have been married for 8 years at one point. Point is I have the experience to know what I need in a relationship to be happy and what works and what doesn’t. That said this specific situation I’ve fallen through a crack of which I have no experience in and wanted some input.

 

So I started seeing someone back in June, we used to hang out in high school back in the day all the time. She liked me, but I had a long term relationship all through high school so nothing ever happened, although I did have interest but wouldn’t act because I was in a relationship at the time.

 

Fast forward to a few years ago. We reconnected on social media, I lived over 500 miles away and we would chat a lot. She would tell me about her abusive drug using bad news boyfriend and the incredible amount of suffering she endures. She’s only dating bad people, she is accustomed to this and doesn’t realize there are real people out there that know how to treat women with respect.

 

That said when I moved back to this area we went out for a couple times and a spark was there. When talking on the phone shortly after I heard him in the background and a feeling of being an washed over me. I didn’t want to be a home wrecker despite how he treats her. So I didn’t act on it and slowly the communicate died out which was my doing on purpose.

 

Which brings up to now a few years later, back in June we started talking again and she wanted to see my new house. Things sparked immediately and I’m sure you can figure out what happened from there.

 

So this has been ongoing since. I have communicated a great deal that I’m not comfortable with this situation and her living with her supposed ex. She will need to break it off and get him out of there if were really going to have any sort of real relationship.

 

This point you’re most likely asking why did I get myself in to this situation in the first place? At least that’s what I’d be asking in this point of the story. The only justification, I have dated a great deal, I’d say in the last seven years I went on dates with about 45-50 different people, mostly online. Only a handful that I can count on one hand was I interested with a second date on. This late in the game let’s face it, unless you find someone fresh out of a divorce its slim pickings out there on anything desirable. To me she’s ultra-woman, really everything about her entices me in.

 

I’m really in love with this girl. Which says a lot on how picky I am. I can’t remember the last time I felt this strongly about someone. She’s really something special to me and I see the potential for a really great future. One I could certainly be content with, with her in it.

 

That’s where it gets complicated. So after a month and half of waiting for her to break it off. I told her that I want more and if I meant anything that she should have done something by now. It’s unfair to everyone involved and at some point I want a family and I’m running out of time to play these games.

 

To be fair to her, she does have anxiety problems and has difficulty with making choices. So I felt the time given so far has been reasonable given that circumstance?

 

The very next day she told the guy. Not all the details but she let him know she met someone and is interested in them. This point the guy is acting like a crazed loan, threatened to kill her, broke stuff in her house etc. He has her under complete control with intimidation so she will not act. She will not call the police, get a restraining order. Or file for an eviction to get him out of there.

 

If I’m on the phone talking with her, she has to call him back be he is calling. Because she is afraid of what will happen if she doesn’t answer the phone. That and he will not stop calling until she picks up. Even now she still puts him first and will not spend the night or come over in fear of repercussions, she doesn’t want to upset him and have to deal with that.

 

While I have told you how I feel about this chick, I’m also pretty exhausted with dealing with this. I have really worked hard on her, building her self-confidence, made a resume for her and helped her get a new job to better her situation and hope to restore some of her independence back. I have done pretty much everything in my power to help and comfort her. She’s come a long way.

 

But she will not take action or do what needs to be done. That’s all we talk about anymore. She takes a step forward, then several back giving him false hope. I’m at my wits end with the whole thing. But if I could get through this, I could walk away with a great future.

 

How much more time do I give this? I’m tired of the excuses and being second priority. “I can’t come over because he’s home and he will flip if he finds out where I’m going” etc. It just tears me down and depresses the hell out of me. Yes I’m foolish for getting in this situation in the first place, I know that. It just happened, no one has that effect on me. I know if I walk away, that’s it and I that regret would haunt me, for how long scares me.

 

How much time do you feel is appropriate that I can say I tried everything and can justify walking away if she’s doesn’t take the actions needed to make this work? I’ve repeated my words of advice a dozen times, restraining order, certified letter eviction notice, live with me in a safe environment until you get him out of there. She won’t do any of it. Her whole plan is to act cold and mean until he leaves. But he’s free loading off her so he can do drugs all day. He’s not going anywhere and she can’t understand that. Told her 2 million times.

 

I better end this novel here, getting this far may have required you more than one cup of coffee.

 

I’d really appreciate your input and thanks for taking the time to read.

 

Thanks!

[Hollyj]

Do you always get involved with 'projects?' Are you usually the rescuer? Do you seek dramatic women?

 

This woman has a lot of issues, and is no where near leaving her abusive bf. I am wondering where your judgement was, when you got involved with someone in a relationship?

 

This is very unhealthy! if she ever decided to leave this situation, it will take years of counseling to get herself to a stable place.

 

I can't understand why you would value yourself so little, waiting on someone to choose you. She is totally stringing you along for attention, and is using you. You need to extricate yourself from this, as she has no intention of leaving this guy! SHE LOVES HIM.

 

Look up co dependency. I would also seek a counselor. You should want better for yourself.

[Bradster79]

Do you always get involved with 'projects?' Are you usually the rescuer? Do you seek dramatic women?

 

This woman has a lot of issues, and is no where near leaving her abusive bf. I am wondering where your judgement was, when you got involved with someone in a relationship?

 

This is very unhealthy! if she ever decided to leave this situation, it will take years of counseling to get herself to a stable place.

 

I can't understand why you would value yourself so little, waiting on someone to choose you. She is totally stringing you along for attention, and is using you. You need to extricate yourself from this, as she has no intention of leaving this guy! SHE LOVES HIM.

 

Look up co dependency. I would also seek a counselor. You should want better for yourself.

 

I appreciate that you’re direct. You have some valid points, strong ones.

 

As foolish as it sounds, she just has that effect on me. Up until this point I’ve been able to think very logically and bail on any situation remotely like this. The long term friendship defiantly plays a role.

 

I’m not in to projects or in to dramatic woman but you did hit the nail on rescuer. I’m that kind of person and have been that role many times, just not in this context in a relationship before.

 

The questions you have asked me, I have asked myself. Pushing this mess aside I see the greatest potential for quite the rare relationship. I’m only listing the problem and not the positives. But rest assured as a normally logic thinking person those positive experiences have had a serious impact on me. She’s has an impact on me.

I also do agree with your comment about her not leaving him. I really do see that as a strong outcome. Which is what brought me here. You’re saying there is no hope, I get that. I feel it a bit too.

Hoping to get some more input from others, hoping someone out there went through this and has some experience to share. I appreciate you taking the time to respond Holly.

 

Thanks!

[lostandhurt]

So you found yourself a nice car with lots of potential but it had a owner so you went about your own way. Then one day it looked like the car might be on the market so you started fixing it up figuring soon enough it would be all yours. Now the car is all nice and is more valuable the owner will not let it go and you feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy on a car that was never yours.

 

Guess what? She isn't a fixer upper girlfriend and she was never yours to begin with.

 

You did the right thing initially but then broke your own code. You have been helping this woman cheat on her bf and now that she wants out he is pissed.

 

Time to step back. Tell her that it was wrong for you to get involved with someone in a relationship and if one day she finds herself single to look you up. Make sure she knows that you cannot be in contact with her any longer under the current situation.

 

There are good SINGLE women out there, just keep looking.

 

Lost

[Clinton]

"This late in the game let’s face it, unless you find someone fresh out of a divorce its slim pickings out there on anything desirable. "

 

What a crock of you know what. I dated in that age group and there were lots of decent available women. You're just trying to rationalize your adultery.

 

End it. Unless she's willing to leave this guy you've got nothing. She's an adult who is making her own choices. And her choice is to stay with him regardless.

[Hollyj]

Being a "rescuer" is not a positive. I think that is the attraction with this woman. She is a boatload of drama!

 

Please check out link removed. I think it may help you in recognizing yourself.

 

You also need to check yourself, as you are part of this cheating. This whole dynamic is really screed up, yet you try to rationalize.

 

Get some counseling, as your judgement and character are seriously out of whack!

[abitbroken]

You are 35 years old. It is not the truth that all the women out there are recently divorced. There are many women who are 28-36 that would be appropriate for you to date that have never been married and are actually very eligible but focused on their career, were not ready to settle down, had a long term relationship that didn't end in marriage, etc. There will also be young widows and women who married young and have been divorced a good 5-10 years already that don't have baggage because they have worked through it. I would include women up through 40, but if you want a family, you'll have to go close to your age or a bit younger.

 

Anyways, this woman is not a catch. In fact, she could still be with her "ex" and you are on the side and she is having an affair with you. When people can't make their mind up to leave - sometimes its because they don't want to leave.

 

I also think you are idealizing this woman based on how you knew her and who you knew her to be in high school and this is coloring this.

 

If you truly want this woman - than you have to set a boundary. Absolutely no communication - nada - zip, until the day comes that she has left her boyfriend, husband or whoever she is, and she is living on her own or with a roommate, sister, etc. At that time, you will entertain a phone call. And at that point, you won't promise anything either. She could not be healed enough and you might see the light before then. There is a chance that she will never leave him, so you won't hear from her. in the meantime, you get over her, date others, and change how you meet women so you meet those young professional women who aren't married (by the way, if you were married 8 years - so you were with someone for quite awhile - so are you absolutely sure you are not someone women say is recently divorced, they rather have a guy without baggage, etc, instead of it just being about the single women being hard to find..)

 

Also, do you want to be with a woman who cheats? She is cheating at worst, or the type of person that has a relationship which is pretty dead and buried but won't leave until she finds a better offer.

[greta96]

You are letting the fact that you've known her for a long time cloud your judgement here. The truth is, the amount of years you've known her doesn't matter, and the girl you knew back in highschool no longer exists; she has turned into this mess of a woman who is using you as a pick me up, when things with her boyfriend are not going all that well or have become stale. I have doubts that he's all that abusive and that he treats her all that poorly. Believe me, if she was *really* scared of him, she wouldn't be running with other men behind his back, because she would be too petrified of him finding out and beating her to a pulp. And if he was indeed that violent, why would you want to risk him coming after you? But no, she doesn't act at all like a woman who is scared of her husband/common law significant other, she acts like a woman who has no intention of leaving him, but who gets a kick out of having her high school crush fawn over her and provide a bit of sexual release on the side. He is not an ex.

 

This will go on for as long as you let it go on. Why would she ever put an end to it, when she has the best of both worlds? Anxiety my a$$...she isn't leaving him because she doesn't want to. You on the other hand, are wasting precious time of your life getting involved in their relationship. You think there are slim pickings at 35? Lol...wait until you turn 40 and up (which will happen before you know it!). So my advice is to take advantage of the fact that you're still reasonably young, and go out there (NOT online, dating sites are not the best way to meet women, and they definitely shouldn't be your only way) and try to meet single women who are available and have their lives in order.

Leave this cheater behind, work on figuring out why you are attracted to drama filled women and situations, this is the only way you will ever have a healthy relationship.

[Bradster79]

Thanks all for the advice. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and helping a stranger out. At this point it’s at the stage of no communication and I’m done. I didn’t make this choice, she did when I confronted her again about it. Which pretty much tells me she’s not ready to leave him. But I knew that deep down and just couldn’t face that reality.

 

Like many have said the long term friendship clouded my judgment. Under no circumstances would I have ever dated or agreed to anything like this with anyone else. She just became my world, which hasn’t happened in 16 years. Sure I’ve dated but never had this connection this strongly for a long time. I thought she’d see the type of person I am and the kind of life we would have.

 

Should have never let this happen, that’s on me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m upset but pretty much at myself. What the hell was I thinking every step of the way?

 

Back to the dating grind again, I always try to look at the positive in any situation. I will say this helped me. It made me understand a few key things that I are really important to me that enticed me in. That we help me know what to look for. That and no doubt I’d run like hell if there is any situation like this in the future.

 

Again thanks all I really appreciate having a place to vent and your support with feedback, it helped me a lot. Thank you.