How much is too much?

[GracieG]

My wife and I have been together 11 years, legally married for 4 (same-sex couple, not that it matters, but putting it out there).

 

She has always enjoyed playing games on the computer, XBOX and now her smartphone. I certainly have no problem with that, and I enjoy games sometimes as well. However, things have gotten extreme, and she is almost always on her phone. I have tried to bring it to her attention many times, but she ignores me. Over the past year, she has become more and more withdrawn from everyone and spends all of her time focused on her phone. Our kids and my family have noticed and made comment about it to her, in a joking way so as not to upset her, but she ignores their comments as well stating that she is not always on her phone. She has addictive behavior, was a former alcohol and drug user but has been clean and sober for 13 years. I know she is not using because she just had a random drug test at work. I feel like she has switched that addiction for the whole game playing addiction.

 

As petty as it may sound, I started keeping track of her schedule. Before she even gets out of bed, she grabs the phone and checks in. When she takes the dogs outside before leaving for work, she is on her phone. She spends her entire lunch hour on it and never eats (according to her coworker). When we get home from work at night, she takes the dogs outside and brings them back in, then goes back outside to smoke a cigarette and she plays on the game. She stays outside anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. When she comes in, she goes to the bathroom, with the phone, and spends another 20-30 minutes in there. After dinner she goes back out to smoke again and is out another 30 minutes to an hour. Anytime we sit around to watch a tv show, she is on her phone. Before bed, she takes the dogs out again and stays out around 20-30 minutes. She stays up late at night, even during the work week, to play this game, oversleeps in the morning and generally feels lousy all day because she is exhausted from getting so little sleep. When you mention to her how long she has been, she doesn't realize. She has absolutely no concept of time. Also, she maxed out her credit card, and also used mine without my consent, buying crap for this game. She spent $800 on a game!

 

Last week, after waiting on her for almost 2 hours to help me with chores, I lost my cool. I told her that I was completely frustrated with all of her time and attention being focused on a stupid game. I told her I felt as if she didn't even want to be around us anymore. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to be there anymore or not. That she absolutely loves me, but doesn't feel like we are in love, and she feels very confused about her entire life right now and where she wants to be. She said she wants some time to think about things and figure out how she feels. When I ask her what the issues are for her, she says she doesn't really know. I asked if there is someone else and she denies that. I have control of our shared phone plan, so I have looked for strange phone numbers or messages and there is nothing. I've also looked at her phone, and there is nothing inappropriate. Yes, I suppose things could be erased, but I have looked at random times and nothing is weird.

 

I've asked her to go to counseling with me. I've also asked her to talk to someone about her addictive behavior. She says she isn't ready to do that just yet. She claims to want to sort things out on her own before she goes to a counselor. I seriously think she needs an intervention, but I don't know how to go about it. Am I being unreasonable to demand that she do something about this? How do I get help to fix this situation? In the meantime, she is still saying I love you, being affectionate, and has been talking about plans for redoing our home and going on vacation. Why make future plans when you aren't sure if you want to stick around?

[Flozfz]

Communicate to her dont let it build up after you communicated what you need then you have to do.

[TMifune]

is it possible that she's communicating with someone through the game itself? That wouldn't show up on your phone bills or email or text messages. Are you sure she's playing a game and not messaging someone?

 

Her behavior is exactly the behavior of someone who's been getting closer to someone outside your marriage. That doesn't mean she's cheated, but it definitely sounds like she's on the road to it. The fear of going to therapy is often the fear of being uncovered, she's afraid she'll be found out.

 

"I love you but I'm not In love with you" is usually what someone says because they feel infatuation for someone else and they really like the way it feels (they seem to THINK it's love) and since you've been together much longer than any infatuation really should survive, they take that to mean something about your relationship.

 

You need to find out if there's someone else and tell her to shut it down. I'd tell her that you love her and you love your family but if she starts screwing around with someone else you'll be out the door with the kids in a heartbeat.

[musicman777]

Hi GracieG,

Sorry for the problem with your wife. I wanted to add in here because I am a gamer and used to be religiously addicted to games. I still play them but they don't consume my life anymore, most days I won't even pick up a video game anymore. My last stint was a PC game called "Kerbal Space Program", I have put over 800 hours into the game. Eventually I realized I was putting a bit too much time into this game and now I barely touch the game anymore. That's pretty crazy she spent $800, is this one of those gambling games or something? It definitely sounds like it. That is getting a bit overboard. Now I've bought DLC and things for games but I never spent that kind of money on one video game in particular.

 

The good news. In my case and in most of my friends cases who are also hardcore gamers, people usually get sick of video games after a while. It may take a while but eventually you grow tired of it. The same patterns, same music, same game, it gets to be a grind after a while and you lose interest. Also, regardless of what your wife says I would bet anything that she does actually realize how much time is passing, but at this point it is not catching up to her yet. Also more good news - once usually someones stops playing even for a week or so, they don't always want to go back because they know how addicting it is.

 

The bad news - your wife sounds like one of the extremes, and if she is playing a gambling game (like one of those casino games) this could be a hybrid video game/gambling addiction problem. Also, in my case with this video game, well, I'm not going to lie. I sometimes get deep into a video game to not think about problems in my personal life. I've struggled tremendously to really find a girlfriend over the years and sometimes I get severely alone and depressed over it and my coping mechanism was the video games (which is not good!). Now you two aren't "alone" or anything and fortunately you've found each other being a same-sex couple, but your wife may have other parts of her life haunting her or maybe a dark past she doesn't want to talk about and she uses the video games to suppress it.

 

I would have a serious talk with her. Tell her you don't have to go to counseling right away but you would like her to create some short term goals. Say between 6-6:30PM for a half hour she is not allowed to look at her phone. Then try gradually building upon that. Ask her for an hour of her time before or something. Offer to do another task together instead of the video game for fun. If she can't do this or the problem continues then it maybe time to get her professional help. She is an addict, and not a conventional addict with alcohol anymore or drugs. FYI I'm also majoring in IT, I know a thing or two about limiting time with technology! Try weening her off of the electronics, if it don't work, then get some real help for her. Good luck.

[browneyedgirl36]

This. The first thing I thought when I read the original post was, "I don't think this woman is just playing games on her phone." I mean, taking it to the bathroom? On it during her lunch break at work and not eating? Something is up here, and I suspect it's not just about gaming. Sorry, but...that's really how it sounds. I suggest taking TM's advice and asking her flat out what's going on. She's an adult with a family, and she needs to be acting like it!

[musicman777]

TMifune, I wanted to add in, I don't think Gracie's wife is talking to someone on there. I wouldn't 100% rule it out but personally I find it unlikely. Mobile games are notorious for being money makers. They purposely create those games just to make easy money (trust me, I've made apps and video games before, I'm a programmer). You know that game "Big Fish Casino", how do you think that mobile game affords primetime daily TV advertisements? It's because people like in this story are running up their credit cards $800+ to buy stupid coins and credits in these games.

[Clabs]

Gracie

 

It sounds like a pretty tough time for you but looking back on your history, this lady has had a pretty hard upbringing what with the addiction, abuse, deaths of very close family members, depression.

 

It sounds to me that in her head, she turns to games/phone stuff to keep her mind off of probably a whole great nightmare that is going on in her head. I know that some of the others have insinuated at cheating but I don't think this person has any emotional capacity left for that.

 

It sounds like you have been entirely reasonable with your requests but I think it is always going to be hard work on your part and unless she is prepared to accept professional help and face up to all these demons she has stacked up then you are probably better to cut your losses and leave her.

 

Sorry to sound negative but it is just what it looks like to me.

 

Take care

[Capricorn3]

I've asked her to go to counseling with me. I've also asked her to talk to someone about her addictive behavior. She says she isn't ready to do that just yet. She claims to want to sort things out on her own before she goes to a counselor. I seriously think she needs an intervention, but I don't know how to go about it. Am I being unreasonable to demand that she do something about this? How do I get help to fix this situation?

 

No, you are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately you are going to find yourself in one long long uphill battle which may never resolve. As long as she is not willing to seek help, there is literally nothing you can do to help her. All the begging, nagging, pleading, discussions etc etc, none of it will work - this has to come from herself. Her gaming addiction is not unlike an alcoholic or any other addiction, almost impossible to deal with unless they themselves seek help when they recognize they have a problem.

 

I once watched a documentary on these online games and the people addicted to them for years - thousands of relationships and marriages ended up in divorce because they just couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

Perhaps you could go to counseling for yourself as an outlet and someone to help you through it.

[Devia]

Gracie,

 

It is a possibility that she's talking to someone, but as a gamer myself I actually doubt it. She may be talking to people in general, as in an online community, but it doesn't necessarily means she has romantic feelings for any of them. Game addiction is a real thing, especially mobile. I know several people that have fallen victim to it. I think before you consider marriage counseling, she first needs to get help for her gaming addiction. The problem is, she has to want help. She needs to realize that she is throwing her life away by spending so much time on her phone, but you may not be the right person to point that out to her. Does she have any close friends or family members you could talk to about this issue? I think if the gaming addiction gets handled then her life, and your marriage, will naturally start to mend themselves.