DepthOfField Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Hi All - I recently started dating this girl a few weeks ago. We've know of each other through mutual friends the past couple of years, but I found out very recently this girl is totally into me so (I felt the same) so I finally asked her out! We've been hanging out a lot, having fun/hooking up and getting to know each other. We have a lot in common, and I'm totally into her. She very recently revealed to me that in the past, she's been attracted to ass-oles, fixer-uppers, those and the like. A lot of the guys she's dated tend to not drive, live at home in Mommy's basement, have been unemployed, etc. She mentioned how she tends to be the rescuer type. She's been reflecting a lot on her past dating experiences and has come to the conclusion that she's exhausted and tired of this. She's been single by choice for a while, and ready to try something "different", as she puts it. I'm NONE of the above and proud to have all my sh$t together - Emotionally, career-wise, personal life, etc. (Albeit I'm not a pushover-super-nice-guy type of deal either, so you're getting the best of both worlds) - This is all "new" to her apparently. Based on my experience with countless women, I feel like (but not assuming) this is might just be another girl that's going to have a lukewarm interest level in me, and just string me along for the ride. When a girl has openly admitted they've dated douchebags in the past, I feel like this is a reflection of themselves, as they thrive off the drama, the "challenge" and dominance that goes a long with dating fixer-uppers - none of which I can provide. Is it just me, Do you guys see this as a legit red-flag? (I know some of you are going to tell me to just live in the moment and continue seeing her .... And then when I'm back here in 2 months posting how things aren't really working out, some of you will be telling me how I should been more selective and avoided her in the first place) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 No one, and I mean absolutely no one can tell you if this girl will work out or be a risk. If they do they're full of crap. Unfortunately dating is all about taking a leap of faith. So take a chance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tallydoo Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Based on my experience with countless women, I feel like (but not assuming) this is might just be another girl that's going to have a lukewarm interest level in me, and just string me along for the ride. When a girl has openly admitted they've dated douchebags in the past, I feel like this is a reflection of themselves, as they thrive off the drama, the "challenge" and dominance that goes a long with dating fixer-uppers - none of which I can provide. (I know some of you are going to tell me to just live in the moment and continue seeing her .... And then when I'm back here in 2 months posting how things aren't really working out, some of you will be telling me how I should been more selective and avoided her in the first place) To me, these sound like dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy ideas. If she's been single by choice for a while, it's possible that she might really be changing the type of man she's interested in. Go with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 More of an amber flag. People change. A lot of women grow out the bad boy/loser thing. Give it a shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 When a girl has openly admitted they've dated douchebags in the past, I feel like this is a reflection of themselves, as they thrive off the drama, the "challenge" and dominance that goes a long with dating fixer-uppers - none of which I can provide. Yes and no. It really depends on the person. She either matured and realized she wants to settle for a husband-type, and her previous boyfriends will never be that person in the long run. I dated macho guys- one of them was in the military. I was althetic and attracted those type of men. However I am free-spirited but a dominant person. Those guys were also dominant that we often got into power struggle battles and ended up not being compatible. Learning from my mistakes, I decided to change my dating scene and found a guy who not only had a different type of energy, but his balanced my energy (I sound like Ceasar Mulan here with matching dog and family energy, but it's true). I ended up marrying him. Just enjoy dating her! Don't over analyze. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 i think you're right to give hr a chance but proceed with caution. However based on past experience, she's exhausted and tired of this. She's been single by choice for a while, and ready to try something "different", as she puts it. i don't know what she means by " a while" but a prominent pattern like that takes a long time to break. Has she had therapy? Has she gone a couple of years of the usual life without acting like a codependent,rescuer,enabler,victim? Has she dealt with the roots of her martyrdom with a professional? Unless there is a firm yes to all of the above, then her desire to "try something new" may not be enough. She has to be "someone new" in regard to relationship dynamics as well. I wonder whether she has seen to it, or whether she thinks : -spending enough time alone to realise she's been a rescuer and -simply picking out a guy who doesn't need rescuing will have done away with her part of the issue. Maybe observe for a while, ask questions (non-accusatory, just getting to know her type questions that include how she has dealt with her relationship problem) and take it slow, no hurried emotional investment until you feel reassured about this. Sometimes people do make healthy changes by reflecting on the past dynamics-- if her behavior and thinking is consistent with this, she could well be ready for a relationsip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I used to date jerks, too. My epiphany relationship knocked a lot of sense into me, and I changed my patterns.. I would never deal with those types, again. She is now dating someone that has his act together. i think that it is great she recognized her patterns, so early on. Give her a break!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dcgent Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 stop analyzing so much and have fun. If you are looking for red flags, you will find one...because it is what you are looking for, rather than taking the person for face value. Step back and relax. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Because she took a break and worked on herself you really have to give her a go. Be brave and keep your eyes open. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I think it is smart to pay attention to what people tell us about themselves. You'll have to watch and learn for yourself if this is something she has overcome or that will pop up with you. It's good to just be aware that it has been an issue for her, so that if you see it, you can recognize it right away for what it is. If it's still an issue, she may revolt and act out when things are going along healthily. Just pay attention and you will be fine. Just out of curiosity, is her history consistent with dating through the bar? I remember you saying you are a musician, and she works at one of the venues you are at frequently. I'm just wondering if her MO is to be attracted to musicians...but she tends to date the dead beat ones?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 More of an amber flag. People change. A lot of women grow out the bad boy/loser thing. Give it a shot. Yep. They do. The fact that she's been single for awhile is a positive sign, I think, because it means she was taking time to reflect and grow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DepthOfField Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Just out of curiosity, is her history consistent with dating through the bar? I remember you saying you are a musician, and she works at one of the venues you are at frequently. I'm just wondering if her MO is to be attracted to musicians...but she tends to date the dead beat ones?! You nailed it. She's totally surrounded by musicians and such. Music is totally part-time for me so I to think I'm different than the rest LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Based on my experience with countless women, I feel like (but not assuming) this is might just be another girl that's going to have a lukewarm interest level in me, and just string me along for the ride. Dude, why go there? Why go so negative with a person you really like and are into? I think you need to just enjoy the moment and observe things as they come. Going on patrol for red flags when right now you are just getting to know each other and haven't had bad experiences together is called baggage honey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 More of an amber flag. People change. A lot of women grow out the bad boy/loser thing. Give it a shot. Agree with this. We've all dated the wrong people before, or else she wouldn't still be single and dating you, would she? I say give her a chance, as it seems that she has put work into changing her pattern. Now you need to be less judgemental about how it reflects on her and continue to observe if she is still stuck in/repeating that pattern along with any other red flags. I think she's just being too honest to tell you this. I tend not to tell my current dates how much of a jerk my ex turned out to be (or just a watered down version), exactly to avoid reactions such as yours. Because it doesn't reflect well on me, even though I know how much I've learned from it and have grown, my new dates don't need to know that, they just need to know this is me now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DepthOfField Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thanks everyone for your input. You all made very good points. And just to clarify, it's not that I'm 'hunting' for red flags. In the past, it's been the opposite, as I've often been chastised on here for ignoring red flags in the early stages .... or not having a better "picker". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 It's good to pay attention to potential red flags. Keep it up OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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