Ex bf left for another woman, been over a year with NC and now he's come back

[vdubb89]

Hi!

 

I really need some advice. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this situation as my friends and family are all biased in their opinions of my ex given the situation.

 

I was seeing (dating) this guy back in 2013-2014 for about 8 months. When I say 'seeing' I say it because we never really did put a title on our relationship. I mean, we hung out almost everyday, we were intimate, we totally acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. Seemed like the perfect relationship but the problem was me... I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to fully let myself go with this guy because of past hurts, etc. and I am not going to lie, there was also a part of me that wondered if the grass was greener. Naturally, as humans, I think at one point or another we have these thoughts. The problem was that I was so fully consumed with my selfish fear of vulnerability, that I did not see how it was affecting him. He was scared to tell me how he felt out of fear of losing me by pushing too hard and risk of pushing me away. Truth is, I was hurting him.... He was so willing to be open and vulnerable with me, introducing me to his family and his friends, etc. and yet he had not met any of my family and friends. That bothered him. It bothered him because he felt like I was ashamed to admit that I was with him. Or at least, that's the way he felt (it certainly does not reflect what I thought about him)

 

anyway, as the story goes on... toward the end of our relationship I noticed he was being a bit distant.. He was also hanging out a lot with a friend of his from work, who was a woman. I am so not a jealous person, and he said they were just friends so I believed him. I didn't have any reason to not trust him. Then he went out of contact for a few days, and that was extremely weird. I knew in my gut something was up, so I confronted him about it. I called and asked him if there was someone else... He said, in his exact words, "there has never been anyone else but you since I met you". So again, I believed him, to a fault.. Fast forward 2 days later I get a private message on facebook from his 'friend' (the one he had been hanging out with) asking if him and I were still together. I replied yes, and she told me everything. She told me that he had been seeing her for the past few weeks and told her it was off with me and him. Even though he had been distant with me for the past few weeks , he never actually formally did 'break off' anything with me. Anyway, long story short.. They ended up having a relationship together and he left me, for her..

 

We didn't talk for over a year. Completely no contact. I thought of him tirelessly over the year, wondering if I should ever try contacting him again as I hated not having any closure and I missed him! I still remained friends with his cousin however, and then back in April I initiated contact with him through his cousin to return some clothes I still had of his. He told me he had broken it off with that girl months before. We ended up having sex that night (bad idea!) but I was leaving for Australia for a month trip[ so it was perfect timing so I wouldn't have to talk to him or address any of it. Anyway, since then we have met up a few times (no sex!) just been hanging out as friends. Everytime we are together though I still feel all the butterflies and such a strong connection with him still. I still very much have feelings for him and I do not know what to do. I don't know if its in our best interest to get back together or if I should ask him if he feels the same? Im just so lost because I feel like I should hate his guts for what he did to me (and lying to me about it when I gave him the opportunity to tell the truth!) but I really don't. I don't hate him at all. I love him. And I have never had the courage to tell him that. And now, I just feel like I AM ready to be in a relationship. I would love for that to be with him but I feel like theres so much baggage there. Is it a good idea to approach him about the possibility of being in a relationship or should we just continue being 'just friends' ??

 

Please help!!!!

[greta96]

You need to stop blaming yourself for what he did. He was in a relationship with you (even if you didn't call it a relationship, but still, you were seeing each other and were having sex), and then ghosted on you to be with that other women, whom he lied to about no longer being with you. He was two timing both of you for a few weeks! His lies were not your fault.

 

So it's your choice whether you want to give him a second chance, all I can say is that if this happened to me, I wouldn't entertain him at all, not as a friend and - God forbid - not as a boyfriend.

[Hollyj]

You had closure: He cheated and lied .

 

I think you need to focus on the fact that he cheated on you. Personally, that is too big of a betrayal. He's not friend material. either. Raise your standards!

 

i also suggest that you get counseling and deal with your issues

[ThatwasThen]

I'd like to know what the hell is wrong with so many people that they need to re-cycle relationships that have been long past instead of clearing themselves of them when it's more then obvious that you were not being valued and nor were you valuing. Now, you've set yourself up as a booty call once again instead of using your words to communicate to him what you came here and so easily told us.

 

You keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It's about time you grew up and learned how to communicate instead of using sex to get yourself back into someone's radar.

 

Sorry to be harsh but I shook my head through your whole opening post at the way you've erroneously handled yourself. He didn't cheat on you either. You never committed to him and so he carried on exclusively with you until someone who showed him more interest then sex came along and then he tried it on with her.

 

TALK to him and if he doesn't want what you want then do something different in your adventures in dating and don't settle to be a FWB when you want him in a more exclusive and committed manner.

 

I'm compelled to add I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to fully let myself go with this guy because of past hurts, etc. and I am not going to lie, there was also a part of me that wondered if the grass was greener Yet you stuck around. The only difference between you and him was that he got the opportunity to go check out that other side of the fence before you did so why people are on him about that is baffling to me.

 

He was so willing to be open and vulnerable with me, introducing me to his family and his friends, etc. and yet he had not met any of my family and friends. That bothered him. It bothered him because he felt like I was ashamed to admit that I was with him. Or at least, that's the way he felt (it certainly does not reflect what I thought about him)

You treated him like a FWB. I clearly fail to see where people think you two were in a committed relationship when you didn't even introduce him to a friend never mind his family. He didn't cheat.

 

Now, that's all in the past but don't repeat the past by being exactly what you were to one another before. TALK TO HIM and get out of each other's lives for good if you're not on the same page. No friends, not FWB, no nothing. LEARN from your history.

[Clinton]

You want to try, try. If you don't you'll always wonder. Just realise you may well be disappointed.

 

Life comes with no garuntee. You could get hurt. But i get the feeling you have your mind made up regardless. Good luck.

[surfdiva]

I took my boyfriend back after he dumped me. He didn't cheat on me...we weren't living together but a LOT of his things were at my house. I spoke with him in the afternoon and said "I love you, I'll see you at home tonight". I got home...ALL of of his things were gone. I tried to get ahold of him for 5 days before he spoke to me and just said we wanted different things in life. I took him back and we're in the process of a breakup.

 

He showed me who he was the first time and this man in your life has shown you who he is. He did it before and he'll likely do it again. Don't make the mistake I made, get out.

[ThatwasThen]

I took my boyfriend back after he dumped me. He didn't cheat on me...we weren't living together but a LOT of his things were at my house. I spoke with him in the afternoon and said "I love you, I'll see you at home tonight". I got home...ALL of of his things were gone. I tried to get ahold of him for 5 days before he spoke to me and just said we wanted different things in life. I took him back and we're in the process of a breakup.

 

He showed me who he was the first time and this man in your life has shown you who he is. He did it before and he'll likely do it again. Don't make the mistake I made, get out.

Your situation is nothing like the Op's. Op: Talk to him and then make a decision. You can't hold him leaving you against him when all you showed him is that you didn't want to be anything other then FWB's.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, if your cool getting the sloppy seconds after it didn't work out with the other woman sure go for it. Just realize what has he DONE, not said, DONE to show you he's different now? Anything, any major lifestyle changes? Any religious or near death situations that brought him to the brink of "Oh hell, I've nearly lost the one thing in life important to me?" Any stopping of substances, getting off the computer, joining therapy?

 

Nope? Then I'd tell him to go back out the door and find someone new, but that's just me. Entertain his words again at your own risk. And yeah, my last ex pulled this same thing yours did six times on me. It never got better, just worse as the lies got longer and longer and times between cheating on me got shorter and shorter. It's why I'm telling you to walk. It's one thing to give someone a second chance if they've done a ton of hard work in the way of amends, therapy and the like OR you broke apart under nontoxic circumstances like distance or just drifting. Totally another thing when a known cheater and liar shows back up on your doorstep having lost the other woman to now demand another chance.

 

And unfortunately once the pattern is set you'll accept them back at just their word, which you should know isn't worth the TP they use, they now know you're the backburner girl or guy that's going to always be there no matter how often they screw up and screw you over. Sorry I'm not sugarcoating this, but been there, got the t-shirt. Maybe let him live with the consequences of his actions while you move on and find someone better would be the option you take?

[mg22]

What guarantees do you have he would cheat again ?. I honestly never have seen any successful stories when your being dumped for someone else. If they honestly wanted to be with you they would have never cheated.

[ThatwasThen]

^^^ No disrespect but did you and PP read the same opening post I read? Op didn't even introduce this guy to her friends the whole time they were schtupping and kept him at a FWB distance. He didn't cheat on her. They were having non-committed sexual relations wherein HE was more involved then she until he realized that someone wanted to be his real girlfriend.

 

Now... she's realized that she wants him, he's free to be had but she just went to bed with him without a conversation about intent once again.

[mg22]

Whatever it was dating, seeing the guy he obviously didn't think twice in dumping her to pursue a real relationship. So why would she even consider dating him again?

[vdubb89]

Well I did talk to him.. Sort of. I am afraid to fully come at him with full blown "lets get back together" when we have only hung out 3 times since not talking to him for a year and a half. We hung out on Saturday and everything was awesome, it felt very comfortable. He said that he enjoys hanging out with me and is surprised that I even still talk to him. He said that he hangs out with me because he enjoys my company. SO I thought that was kind of vague after thinking about it after (at the time when he said it we both had a few drinks, I didn't want to have that conversation while drunk) I wrote him a message saying that I enjoyed our time together and also explaining that I still have feelings for him and that it feels good to hang out again. I said i felt vulnerable in expressing those true emotions.

He wrote back:

 

" I appreciate your candour. I had fun with you too. I enjoy hanging out with you in any capacity. Thank you for caring. I care about you as well. I cant erase the past; I made some poor choices out of selfishness and frustration, but I endeavor to be a better, more respectful human being. Trust is a difficult, sometimes fragile, thing to earn and shouldn't be squandered so easily. Life is one big learning curve and I am a work in progress, I know. Thank you for believing in me. "

 

 

again, vague. I don't exactly know what he means by that. He doesn't mention anything at all about pursuing something with me. I don't get it. Basically it seems like he is thanking me for giving him another chance by saying" thanks for believing in me" ????

[vdubb89]

also.... addressing the FWB thing... I asked him about that too. I asked him what he thought of me and he said he definitely thinks of me as more than someone that he has sex with. So obviously that's got to say something. He doesn't think of me as a FWB or so he says. He says he definitely has a stronger connection with me that stretches far past 'just sexual'

 

but again, I have no idea if those statements reflect the actual truth.

[mg22]

also.... addressing the FWB thing... I asked him about that too. I asked him what he thought of me and he said he definitely thinks of me as more than someone that he has sex with. So obviously that's got to say something. He doesn't think of me as a FWB or so he says. He says he definitely has a stronger connection with me that stretches far past 'just sexual'

 

but again, I have no idea if those statements reflect the actual truth.

 

Best way to find out is to see his actions not his words. Sit back and let him prove it to you.

[ThatwasThen]

Whatever it was dating, seeing the guy he obviously didn't think twice in dumping her to pursue a real relationship. So why would she even consider dating him again?

That is what being in NSA sex is for. So that you don't have strings like you think he should have.

[Hollyj]

If he said that he is surprised that she still hangs with him, then he believe them to have been in a relationship. Not a FWB. He knows that he cheated on her, unfortunately it is not connecting with her.

 

"He said that he enjoys hanging out with me and is surprised that I even still talk to him."

[ThatwasThen]

This is till completely non-committed talk by BOTH OF YOU.

 

 

Get is straightened out and do IT IN PERSON. Leaving it to his actions is exactly what the two of you did before. Don't make the same mistakes again.

[Michael777]

I think he's a pretty worthless individual and that you could do far better.

Why settle for someone who from a moral perspective is not second best he's not even third or fourth best.

Look for someone with standards.

[lilygirl]

A tricky situation indeed. I believe that people make all sorts of mistakes and that doesn't mean that they should be written off forever. I also believe that having regrets is extremely painful, and in my experience that kind of pain can be on the same scale as a break up. However, all that being said if you choose to revisit this situation because you believe in second chances and you don't want to have any regrets, my advice would be to proceed very slowly and with caution.

 

You must communicate in person and you must watch his actions, giving them more weight than his words.

 

I recently went down a road with an ex after almost two years apart... to make a long story short the door is now shut on him for good. It was another painful lesson but I honestly think if I hadn't revisited the situation, the regret would have have continued to be very painful as well. I am now able to move forward with no regret and no looking back. He spoke a good game but no actions to follow through... same old pattern. So now I know for sure and off I go...

[Jusstme1977]

Best way to find out is to see his actions not his words. Sit back and let him prove it to you.

 

i say do this!

[vdubb89]

wow... thankfully someone actually understands. I don't feel like I am being yelled at for once for actually considering or wanting a guy to be back in my life who left me for another woman but I cannot help how I feel! I once was in love with him. Yes, I loved him. I was just very afraid of being in love at the time and now that I am actually dealt with those fears and am open to love, I am unsure if he is open to the idea of being with me again. When he asked me what I expected of him I said that I obviously still held on to the novelty that we could get back together and try things again. He replied with a deep conversation about how he is very unhappy with himself at this moment in his life and that he is a bit depressed and empty inside. He said that he doesn't love himself so is afraid that he won't be able to love another person. That he feels like he is just 'going through the motions'

 

this part concerns me because theres so many things I can think about. A) I can think that this is his way of backing out of the situation and not having to hurt my feelings by saying he doesn't want me back (I don't necessarily think this is the reason, as I am pretty sure I know him well enough to know that he was genuine in telling me these secrets about how he has been feeling) or B) I can think that this is his way of telling me that he's not sure he can be in a relationship with me because he's not totally happy with himself. Either way, I don't exactly think that was his way of telling me that he wants me too..

 

it's just really hard. And I tirelessly think of it over and over making myself sick thinking of what I could have done right the first time around when I knew for sure, through his actions, that he was totally in love with me.

[ThatwasThen]

Take what he is saying to you at face value and DO NOT set yourself up to be an uncommitted booty call to him. (that's kinda what you did to him when you stayed with him and kept him separate from your family and friends) He, like you were then, is in no place mentally to be nurturing a proper relationship with you so leave him to himself and you get on with your life knowing that he is not the man that you should be giving yourself to.

 

Do forgive yourself for YOU not being in the right place mentally to be in a relationship of commitment with him the first time. Timing has a lot to do with why two people allow themselves to become vulnerable to another. You two have a pattern of not having the right timing.

 

There is someone out there for you that will be open to becoming vulnerable at the same time you will be open to that and that is who you will spend your life with. Don't miss out on finding him by wasting another minute with someone who has clearly told you that they don't want a relationship with you.... funny how he would go to bed with you though.

 

You will have to do the opposite of wallowing in your memories of him like you did the first time and instead, change your thoughts of him to something/someone else if you ever want to get to the stage of indifference to him so that you will be open enough in mind and heart to find someone who has your same timing.

 

(sorry, edited for sentence structure)