JaxPago Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Hi all I am wondering if someone can give me their opinion on something that happened the other night. To summarize, I met a girl and went on a dinner date with her, we got on great and chat every day pretty much. She is incredibly busy and hardly gets any time away from work, so the second date took a few weeks to arrange. In the time of arranging we would talk as i said, every day and flirt on the phone. So after a little while she got to mine, I made her dinner, we had a great laugh and were flirting and hugging all night. We ended up going to bed and having a fool around and both fell asleep cuddling. At 3am, I woke up and she said 'she didn't feel a spark and didn't see me as anything more of a friend. I couldn't really do anything more but lay there all night with my mind in overdrive, we had an amazing amount in common and it was a bit of a shock, seeing as we had such a good night and relationship building up. After she left, I messaged her to say I was a bit confused about whether it was emotional or physical attraction that was lacking and she said it was a bit of both and on reflection she had no time for dating, with her job being so demanding. Like a classic guy, I tried to apply logic to why it didn't work but am still rather confused about it all. I like to consider myself a good enough catch, I have a good job, friends, I am a lead singer in a pretty good band and am confident and not bad looking, but I am over analyzing where I went wrong. It may be down to this 'spark', but surely this is something that can be built up. It seems like a lot of messing me around, if she wasn't interested. if anyone can shed any light on where I may have gone wrong I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. It may simply be a physical attraction thing, something from her end, or I just wasn't assertive enough in progressing and she lost interest. Either way I have spent the past couple of days feeling worthless :S Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Spark can be built up...for some people. Others give up if it's not there from the beginning. It seems like this girl belongs to the second category, that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Spark can be built up...for some people. Others give up if it's not there from the beginning. It seems like this girl belongs to the second category, that's all. I think I'm from the second group myself, so I can actually understand that she may have just not felt it and from that point onwards she decided to just be really honest and upfront about it, and not just "see how it goes". I understand why you're upset, because you thought everything was going so well, but I think the reason why she still came to your place and fooled around with you might be because she wanted to see if there was a physical connection, such as kissing, touching, etc. I suppose maybe for her there wasn't, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you are unattractive or anything like that. It's just something we can't explain. In fact, I was in exact same situation, basically identical, except I was the girl (and I am a girl so that helps I met this guy on a dating web site, met for dinner, went for a drink at a bar, went dancing. Then he dropped me off home and kissed briefly, but didn't do anything more. I thought he was really nice and a gentleman and thought I liked him and was attracted to him. So we kept talking and I came over to his place and he cooked me dinner, watched a movie, then ended up sleeping together. It was actually during the sex that it dawned on me that I was completely not sexually attracted to him and there was no spark there at all. I felt really disconnected. Then the guy wanted to hold me and cuddle all night and I was boiling hot from body heat and so stressed out that I wasn't interested, I couldn't sleep at all. So really early in the morning I said to him I was boiling and needed to sleep on the couch (awful, I know). Then in the morning I left really early, I felt so terrible. The guy actually sensed I lost interest and said: "Was the sex so bad?" But actually it wasn't, he was really nice and had done nothing wrong at all. It was just this weird feeling that he wasn't "the one", or "no spark", or whatever you want to call it. I'm a spiritual person so from my perspective it's just something we can't explain, we either feel it or we don't, this connection. We often don't have an explanation for it either. I once dated a guy who literally ticked all my boxes, was an amazing catch, fit sexy body, had his own house on the beach, own business, loved kids, wanted marriage in future, etc. (I want all that). But I just was not attracted to him and had no feelings for him, though I really liked him as a person. I was forcing myself so hard to like him and couldn't muster up not even any physical attraction! Yet other women were fighting over him. Anyway, don't beat yourself up, I honestly do think it's a case of "It's not you, it's her", she just didn't feel it. Try to move on as best you can and look for other women who will think you're a hottie and a sparker offer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Usually no, you either have a "spark" with someone or you don't. Time and familiarity doesn't change that. It's no biggie, that's just dating. Stop over thinking it. She tried you out and you weren't for her. It was one date. No harm, no foul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathy679 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Don't take it personally attraction is subjective so if it wasn't there for her then some one else it will be there. I'm sure you will find that person in time just carry on being you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I've had dates with men that were perfect and interesting and kind and I just couldn't help but not liking them in the way to explore a relationship possibility with them. And I have dated guys that felt the same with me: I know they thought I was kind, attractive and interesting but they just didn't 'feel' it. I've never blamed them NOR myself for not being good enough for them. It's just I wasn't a match for them. Don't beat yourself up. And don't think you did anything wrong or you're not a loving-worthy person. You just weren't IT* for her. Dating other people is really a education of letting-go. I have always forced myself to shake it off. Shake off the disappointment, shake off the rejections, shake off your toxics thoughts about yourself. It never does any good and I am completely sure there is one person out there that will like you and you will like too! But in the meantime don't be afraid to let-go and don't be afraid to get hurt. Because you'll get hurt. It's just how it is. But you know; it's worth it. Even if you never find your 'soulmate' Trying to love someone and especially yourself, is worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I dont think you did anything wrong, you two just weren't compatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 She didn't mess you about. It was just two dates and she was just trying to figure out if there was more potential there. You two just didn't fit. It's ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I'm a spiritual person so from my perspective it's just something we can't explain, we either feel it or we don't, this connection I don't really think you can use "spirituality" as a cover for lack of self-awareness. You can't explain it because you're not really in touch with yourself. Couching it as something "spiritual" is a cop-out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Either way I have spent the past couple of days feeling worthless :S That seems pretty normal. Sex is meant to (outside of procreation) create connection between the people that engage in it. She engaged in it with you, and then immediately afterward, as you were feeling connected shouted that she wasn't. I don't think that really has anything to do with you. I read your story and I immediately think that she has a boyfriend or someone close to a boyfriend. She went out with you, she slept with you and she blurts out "let's be friends" because she feels guilty about cheating on whomever she's either got at home or waiting in the wings. While she probably really is "busy with work" I'm guessing she's also busy with this other guy. Women who are busy with work but really want to go out with you typically find the time without making excuses. I'd be highly curious if she had someone else in her life that she didn't bother to tell you about. I don't know if that would make you feel better or worse, but it would definitely mean the problem is her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Most girls demand immediate spark. And those girls end up getting hurt by some PUA douche who's great at creating the spark but only does it to get in her pants Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 It means she thought you were bad in bed. Sorry! I don't mean anything bad by that with you. She may want other things in bed. But that's why you need to emotionally tickle her pink, get to know her before you get nekked... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 It means she thought you were bad in bed. Sorry! I don't mean anything bad by that with you. She may want other things in bed. But that's why you need to emotionally tickle her pink, get to know her before you get nekked... I've slept with a few guys and never did I thought he was bad in bed! Still there can be no spark, no feeling. Whatever. I don't like to believe someone is that superficial and only will look at the first time you've sex with each other. It's a lot of 'getting to know' anyways. But if there is not further feelings to pursue a relationship than it just ends there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaxPago Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. Just to confirm, we didn't have sex, just messed around a bit. When she dropped the bombshell she still wanted to cuddle all night, as you can imagine I wasn't really one to drop my pride to do it.. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. Just to confirm, we didn't have sex, just messed around a bit. When she dropped the bombshell she still wanted to cuddle all night, as you can imagine I wasn't really one to drop my pride to do it.. X I'm confused ....So she wanted to cuddle in lieu of sex on the second date and you declined? Or did she say she wanted to cuddle after she said there was no spark....that would make a little more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I don't really think you can use "spirituality" as a cover for lack of self-awareness. You can't explain it because you're not really in touch with yourself. Couching it as something "spiritual" is a cop-out. Sorry I don't understand what you mean? I just meant "we can't explain it" in the sense that we don't know WHY we don't feel the spark. Like, if on paper you think someone is fairly decent looking, nice, has good career, things in common, but you just really don't feel it. It's not a cop out or lack of self-awareness, it's literally something you DON'T know, why you don't feel that way. Some like to call it chemistry, or lack of. You can be very self aware, e.g. "I'm not attracted to redheads; I won't date someone with kids; I want some common interests" (just made up examples, not me personally). I think knowing what you want and what you don't want is self-awareness, but when you meet someone and technically they seem compatible and you don't even know what's wrong, I don't think that's lack of self-awareness. The reason why I brought up spirituality is because I believe think we can get vibes or connections with people, on a more deeper level. Sometimes we just don't feel those connections. If you don't believe in spirituality, that's fine, I was only giving my own opinion, that's all. I'm not saying it's a copout, it's something on a deeper, universal level, that's what I meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I don't really think you can use "spirituality" as a cover for lack of self-awareness. You can't explain it because you're not really in touch with yourself. Couching it as something "spiritual" is a cop-out. I think most people can explain it but don't want to. If you're going to explain to someone why you don't feel the spark is because he smells disgusting or has body hair at places you don't like or has a scar that disgusts them or their is something in his personality that you dislike or he/she is just pushing the wrong buttons for you than that will be rude in quite to so many ways. If every time that I didn't like someone enough I would have be completely honest and self-aware and said to them what I disliked i think I would have gained several black eyes or made people feel unnecessarily miserable about themselves. Personally I wouldn't like to hear why someone doesn't fall in love with me. It's bad enough already that they don't like me for some reason. I don't need to hear their reasoning though. And what's a turn off for somebody can be a turn on for someone else! So it's safe to say that being hurtful that way is completely unnecessary. But I feel what you mean that making it about spirituality is a cop-out. I'm sure even spiritual people know why they don't like somebody. It could be body language, scent (chemistry) or personality related. Whatever it is: most people do know the why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaxPago Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 We went to bed, fooled around a bit. She was extremely content with me, lots of kissing my arm and holding my hand when we cuddled up. Then came the bombshell. But after telling me and apologising, still wanted to cuddle up to me all night. Its odd, but probably just something that happens eh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I've had FWB and I cuddled and kissed and more with them than that. I still wasn't feeling more than friendship for them. Sometimes you just need to be hold and feel loved without getting into a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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