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Stages of break up for "dumper"


beavis
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I see a ton of people's responses to what the dumper might feel after a break up, but I think it all has to do with how you grieve, some people's grieving processes are different. And the kind of relationship you had really affects your break up too. I never really see stages of break ups for my situation.

 

For me (being the one to break up with the other person), I had a lot of inner conflict in the relationship, I wasn't happy. So I left.

 

1. DENIAL: before the breakup, I was wondering if it was the right thing to do, and staying in the relationship way too long just so I wouldn't hurt the other person. I questioned everything about the relationship.

 

2. RELIEF: I felt so relieved that I had finally gotten that issue out of the way and did what I had to do. I felt a sense of euphoria and freedom.

 

3. GUILT: A week after, I felt so bad for what I did. I felt horrible for breaking up with my ex and for hurting his feelings. I asked him everyday if he was doing okay and tried to provide him with comfort.

 

4: DEPRESSION: I felt like a terrible person after breaking up with him, I felt so empty. Nothing felt the same without him, I really missed him and considered getting back with him.

 

5. FORGIVENESS: I got in contact with my ex again and forgave him for everything he did that upset me.

 

6. REGRET AND ANGER: The last stage didn't last very long, and I started to feel angry about everything he did wrong to me, all the hurt he put me through while we were dating. I started regretting dating him and regretted trying to get back with him. This is where I cut all contact with him.

 

7. RESENTMENT: I kept focusing on all the bad things he's done and wish I had never met him. I'd do anything to get all that time wasted on him back. I even wished harm upon him. Even if someone mentioned his name, I felt sick.

 

8. REALIZATION: This is the stage where I came to realize that there's so many other things to focus on. I'm much better than to get mad at him for stupid things. I start to calm down, care less about him, and feel better about myself.

 

9. MOVING ON: I began realizing there's so many other things to experience, so many other people to meet. This is the stage I start dating again.

 

What are your stages of your breakup?

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My ex went 1-2-9.....it was a relief and she was adamant that a brand new penis would fix everything even though "nothing was wrong but something wasn't right" was her bullcrap "reason".

 

I'm understand if there are real incompatibilities but I resent people who try to fix problems in their life that have nothing to do with their partner by changing partners and instantly ceasing all care for the other party.

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I am still in the befuddled what the hell just happened stage. Today is day 8 and I have slept maybe 16 hours total and lost 12 pounds. And I was the one dumped.

 

Are you sure that's not just because Cleveland Rocks so it's too loud to sleep?

 

Seriously, I've been in that stage for a very long time. Yours will hopefully be shorter than mine, but everyone says "take responsibility for your part of the failure of the relationship" and I still can't come up with anything. Sometimes crappy people just completely flake.

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This is all great unless they dump you for someone else. Then it's 0-9 immediately.

 

I'll never understand people who can do that.

 

Nah, they still get the relief. I think they get the guilt up front and they use the combination of relief at having made a decision and the euphoria of a new relationship to jump straight to 9.....although 9s different because all their focus is on the new person, not really on building their actual life.

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Really?

do you think those that leave skip off into the sunset and don't feel the loss?

Just curious.

 

I think a lot of people aren't willing to work at saving healthy relationships and take peer pressure on board, all the women I know have some poisonous single female friend who's read fifty shades of grey and is therefore a relationship expert. It's impossible to conform to the relationship expectations of someone who's watched every episode of friends, and yes, a lot of people do skip off in to the sunset without a thought. Especially when there's someone waiting in the wings for them. I believe that seventy percent of divorces are also instigated by women, often out of the blue, and if there's a kid involved they're often awarded the matrimonial home even if they've got an affair happening behind the scenes. The legal system in the UK, and probably the US, is skewed in favour of the mother which is why you have organisations like 'fathers for justice'. Quite honestly, as a reasonably successful man, I think I'd have to be insane to marry with all that risk involved. I've had relationships end because 'all you think about is sex' 'there's not enough sex' etc. For any guy to risk property on bull like that in this day and age is quite frankly madness. Discuss.

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I wasn't asking you.

 

Who were you asking?

 

You said "Discuss" I assumed that meant it was open for discussion and I thought people might be hesitant to discuss it in a thread that's not ostensibly about that.

 

I was just hoping to facilitate discussion, I definitely didn't mean to offend.

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My ex went 1-2-9.....it was a relief and she was adamant that a brand new penis would fix everything even though "nothing was wrong but something wasn't right" was her bullcrap "reason".

 

I'm understand if there are real incompatibilities but I resent people who try to fix problems in their life that have nothing to do with their partner by changing partners and instantly ceasing all care for the other party.

 

I hate that BS. As the old saying goes, don't fix something that isn't broken.

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I completely agree. Although it's not mostly women who are capable of this, men are too. My ex is a prime example. Both of them are in fact (one did come crawling back on his knees months after and tried to pursue me for years after). They bail when things don't "feel perfect" because they think there is better out there. A lot of people do this unfortunately and it's sad because strong connections and relationships suddenly become disposable.

 

I do have a huge heart and I know relationships take work. Of course they become boring and of course that spark fades when all one partner wishes to do is sit watching TV all day and hardly communicating. This is what happened with my ex, and it's no wonder he felt "bored." For me it would take a lot more than boredom to actually leave a meaningful relationship. I stuck by this guys side for months and months of his "something is missing, I don't know what, I just want us to be super happy again, I feel like this isn't good enough for us" Then DO something about it. Don't sit in front of the TV expecting a miracle. Once the honeymoon endorphins calm down and we return to Earth, that's when relationships can't just survive on "feelings" - you have to work on them and not take the easy way out (affairs etc). It was only when I had the realisation that I was being treated so unfairly and my esteem hit rock bottom that I grew some balls to walk away.

 

Sorry if I went off in a totally different direction there but its a shame that not everyone has the same views on love and relationships. People assume there is better out there, and sometimes there is! But I'd never throw something away over the curiosity that there is something bigger and better out there, especially when there isn't anything fundamentally "wrong" with the relationship.

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Exactly. It's called projection. "I'm not happy with the things I do in my life. My partner is supposed to make me happy. I must need to find a new partner." It's really dumb, but it does work for a time being. The chemical in-rush of infatuation actually makes them believe that things are better with the new person.....until they wear off.

 

I mean if someone was abusive of me, or neglectful of me I'd address it in the relationship, but if I don't like my job and I don't do anything about finding a new job, my unhappiness about my job isn't my girl's fault, and my making it so is borderline abusive imho.

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Exactly. It's called projection. "I'm not happy with the things I do in my life. My partner is supposed to make me happy. I must need to find a new partner." It's really dumb, but it does work for a time being. The chemical in-rush of infatuation actually makes them believe that things are better with the new person.....until they wear off.

 

I mean if someone was abusive of me, or neglectful of me I'd address it in the relationship, but if I don't like my job and I don't do anything about finding a new job, my unhappiness about my job isn't my girl's fault, and my making it so is borderline abusive imho.

 

That's exactly it. Your last paragraph is spot on for me. I know it's unrealistic to expect another person to make me happy all of the time. For instance, if I was ever in a bad mood or down because of something completely unrelated to my relationship, it would make my ex feel moody too, rather than him actually supporting me. People like this just expect you to make THEM happy all of the time and when they don't feel those fluttery feelings, there's something wrong in the relationship. That's just not love to me.

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Probably the longest stage for me somewhere between 3 and 4: Second guessing yourself!!

 

That's exactly where I'm at right now! I just ended an 8 month relationship and I know it was the right thing to do but I'm still uneasy about it. I was finishing therapy and coming out of a big slump of depression when I started the relationship and now that I've brought it to and end I feel a small bit of regression.

 

The guilt sucks the worst. It's so difficult to look at the person you just spent a significant chunk of your life with and came to know quite intimately and say that it's just not working for you. It's a sharp pain to know what you just did to them. Ultimately though, enough time will get you both to Stage 9 where you realize that there's more to life and more experiences than this one and you accept the future and what it may hold.

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