sammy1592 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now, and I love him very much. He is sweet and funny and caring and basically everything I've ever wanted in a guy. Except for one little fact... he is a definite momma's boy. Now I love and appreciate the fact that he respects his mother, as I think that is a very important quality in a man. However, for someone who is almost 27 years old, I really think that he is far too dependent upon her, and it drives me a little bit crazy sometimes. I really don't want to say anything to him about it, because I know it would be a very sensitive subject, and I don't want to end up with him being or angry or resentful toward me, but I'm also afraid that if I keep it all bottled inside, I'm eventually going to just explode, and then it's going to be really bad. Any advice would be most welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 What is he doing to make you feel like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammy1592 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Well for one thing, she's always making him feel guilty about not spending enough time with her, even though he still lives with her. And he has cancelled plans with me once or twice to do stuff with her. And he will pretty much always drop everything to do whatever she asks, even if we are already hanging out, or if it messes up plans that we previously had for the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Well for one thing, she's always making him feel guilty about not spending enough time with her, even though he still lives with her. And he has cancelled plans with me once or twice to do stuff with her. And he will pretty much always drop everything to do whatever she asks, even if we are already hanging out, or if it messes up plans that we previously had for the day. Yikes. The relationship a son has with his mother will set the tone for his future romantic relationships. You may get him to tone down the mommy time some but there may be more complicated issues just around the corner. It's a little incestuous in a way for a grown woman to put her son in a position of being the primary man in her life. I've met guys like him and they ultimately have issues with women in general. They can't so no to mom for all sorts of subconscious reasons but they'll surely take out their resentment on you. I don't know if this is case but it's definitely something to keep your eye out for. He's already having some conflicts managing the two of you and you've been on the losing end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammy1592 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 I mean it's not like he hasn't also turned down doing things with her to be with me instead. But I think you're right about him having trouble balancing. And part of that is that he doesn't have a lot of free time right now with his job, but nonetheless I don't think I should really have to feel this way, especially with him being the age that he is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I mean it's not like he hasn't also turned down doing things with her to be with me instead. But I think you're right about him having trouble balancing. And part of that is that he doesn't have a lot of free time right now with his job, but nonetheless I don't think I should really have to feel this way, especially with him being the age that he is. A grown man shouldn't have to be balancing his mother and his girlfriend. I have 2 sons in their 20s and I know my place and it's not to compete for time and attention with their girlfriends. I have my own friends and my own life to entertain me. The only time I would consider making them feel guilty is being late for Christmas dinner. And that's once a year. Other than that any time they spend with me I see as a gift. AND I see them often. But not out of obligation or guilt. I also understand different cultures see this differently. . maybe this is the case? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammy1592 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 To be completely honest, I think she's babied him all his life, she still thinks of him as her baby, and she doesn't like the fact that I may be "taking him away from her" from her perspective. But the main problem is that he doesn't SEE that she's guilt tripping him. He actually thinks that he SHOULD feel bad for not spending enough time with her. You and I know that's ridiculous, but I don't know how to make him see that it's ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 To be completely honest, I think she's babied him all his life, she still thinks of him as her baby, and she doesn't like the fact that I may be "taking him away from her" from her perspective. But the main problem is that he doesn't SEE that she's guilt tripping him. He actually thinks that he SHOULD feel bad for not spending enough time with her. You and I know that's ridiculous, but I don't know how to make him see that it's ridiculous. He may know it on some level. But this matrix runs deep and it's all he knows. My guess is you've only seen a flicker of what's in store. Not sure if there is a connection but reading your earlier posts. .that he never initiates sex? I don't want to conjure up something here that isn't happening. . but my spidey senses are up on this one. It's a mothers job to teach our children to leave. They should have a healthy desire to push us away. It's natures way. (you know, momma birds pushing babies out of their nest) Keeping them emotionally and physically tied to us is not healthy and selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 You can't. He will have to figure that out on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Well for one thing, she's always making him feel guilty about not spending enough time with her, even though he still lives with her. And he has cancelled plans with me once or twice to do stuff with her. And he will pretty much always drop everything to do whatever she asks, even if we are already hanging out, or if it messes up plans that we previously had for the day. It's irrelevant if you say something. This isn't likely going to change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammy1592 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 It isn't that he never initiates sex, I just sometimes have felt like I do it more often. However, I did finally communicate those feelings to him recently, and he assured me that I should absolutely not feel that way and that he has that desire just as much as I do. I also am aware of the fact that I personally have some insecurity and anxiety issues, so I'm not under any delusion that that probably hasn't played into that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 My Son is 31 & married with a child. I would never ever expect him to spend time with me. We actually share a house, but they do their things, I do mine, and we sometimes do things together. I don't think your situation will change, and unfortunately he will pick his Mum over you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 To be completely honest, I think she's babied him all his life, she still thinks of him as her baby, and she doesn't like the fact that I may be "taking him away from her" from her perspective. But the main problem is that he doesn't SEE that she's guilt tripping him. He actually thinks that he SHOULD feel bad for not spending enough time with her. You and I know that's ridiculous, but I don't know how to make him see that it's ridiculous. There are so many threads posted here on ENA with this dilemma. All of them resulted in break ups. Just search and read those posts, and prepare for the inevitable, devastating outcome. I have a friend who is absolutely tied to his parents and is in his mid thirties... He is not in a relationship because he is so afraid to stand up to his parents as a grown ass man. You will not change this. I am sorry. Find someone else who will meet your needs instead of pandering to somebody else. It's an absolute dealbreaker for someone to constantly cancel plans with you for a family member/parent, and it gives you a perspective that you -- his relationship with you -- will always come second to his mother. It's a glaring red flag if you are seeking a long-term relationship or a marriage with a man that cannot be ignored. Cut your loss and suggest he checks into therapy to help him become an independent adult who isn't dictated by his mommy. For real. On your way out, tell him that Mommy should invest in a new hobby instead of being her son's c* blocker. And do not look in the rear-view mirror or have second thoughts about returning to this relationship with him. These behaviors he exhibits are extremely troubling for a man his age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I dated a mama's boy once. Never again. I had the same thoughts you did at first - "Maybe it's normal in some cultures, maybe it's a good sign that he respects his mother so much, bla bla bla". But the longer we were together, the more it bothered me how dependent he was on her. For me personally, it didn't fit with the image of a man that I had, that I wanted for a partner. And it ultimately turned me off, affected how attracted to him I was, and lessened the amount of respect I had for him too. You can put your foot down if you want, but he will probably just start hiding things from you. You ain't comin between a boy and his mama, that's for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Well for one thing, she's always making him feel guilty about not spending enough time with her, even though he still lives with her. And he has cancelled plans with me once or twice to do stuff with her. And he will pretty much always drop everything to do whatever she asks, even if we are already hanging out, or if it messes up plans that we previously had for the day. I know someone who's marriage was destroyed by the Momma's boy syndrome. The couple truly loved each other, had two children, but his mother just couldn't back off and stay away and was always calling her son, crying that he never sees her (he practically lived at her house!), always begging to go out with him and on and on and on. He just couldn't say no and NEVER, ever, stood up for his wife. Ever. He always, always did every little thing that his mother asked. Needless to say, the marriage died and the wife walked out. I don't blame her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I dated someone who's mother was single and used him as her main means of support. He was her surrogate husband. At first glance I thought what the OP did, 'Awww. . he's so close to him mom. . ' He felt put upon and drained. She called him for everything but a hangnail. She had the key to his home and would come in while he was gone and do what seemed like innocuous things like drop off tomatoes, a new coffee pot. .one day a new comforter on his bed! (Ill never forget the look on his face) He just about blew a gasket! What seemed really sweet in the beginning ending up being down right creepy and I knew better to stay on her good side because she saw me as competition. She was intense and needy and he could never say no to her though he was seething for most part. This was a 50plus year relationship dynamic that wasn't going to change! I remember times I would say things to him that anyone could say to their partner and I would get 'the look' from him. I knew in the moment, when I spoke . . he heard his mother and it would trigger something in him. I pretty much stopped talking or at the very least censored anything I would say. . and then I left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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