I did what I had to, but I'd still like some insight

[cmmarti3]

I started a relationship with a British guy about a year ago. First we were friends, then we started talking about how much we cared about each other, then we met and we were physically together. He and I are both divorced. My ex and I mutually agreed to divorce. His wife walked out on him with no notice. He has been separated from his ex about 6 months less than I have been. I went to visit him in England in May and met his parents, his siblings and their families, and we had a great time.

 

When I got back from visiting him in England in May, things continued on with him telling me he loved me every day, that he missed me, etc. until I decided to ask him what he wanted to which he replied "I don't know. I think I need to be alone for awhile, but I love you and I know our stars our aligned and we will be together". This really irritated me and I told him if this isn't going anywhere, he needed to let me know so I can have a relationship since I've been separated almost two years and divorced almost a year and a half, and I'm ready. He asked if we could continue being friends and talking every day and I said no. He cried (I've posted this before in another forum, but now I'm trying to understand more about him, not about what I should do since I figured that part out) and would not leave me alone. He kept calling and texting every day, telling me he missed me, but also telling me he's not 100% over his ex. Finally this past Saturday, I told him I was going to take some time away from this situation and that I want absolutely no contact with him including texting; otherwise I'll continue to feel strung alone which is a terrible feeling. He told me he doesn't want to string me along and that he loves me and is working to get over his past. He told me he will leave me in peace until we can be together without reservation or hesitation. So far, for the first time, he has kept his word and hasn't tried to contact me.

 

I know I did the right thing. I spent a year of my life supporting him emotionally, loving him, and thinking we had a future. He made it seem like he wanted a relationship. So I understand that cutting off all communication with him was the right thing, otherwise I'd never get over it, because I really do love him.

 

What I'm trying to understand is, how can a man tell me he loves me and wants to be with me and wants me to be his life partner, but he can't be in a relationship now and he can't get over the guilt he feels for his ex wife and ex step daughter walking out on him (I guess he blames himself). He texted me about 3 weeks ago and said "I had a bad dream about my ex step daughter. If anything happened to her, I could not survive. I don't know if I can leave them Christina, even if I have to live in the shadows".

 

Isn't moving on a choice? How can he have had such a deep emotional connection to me but not be over them? I could NEVER form such a connection with someone while I was still in love with someone else. Before we ceased all contact, he said "I will leave you in peace but I'm just a few numbers away anytime you need to talk". I told him no, that I will be strong and wait to talk to him when he's ready. He said he'll be back in touch soon and that he loves me and misses me every day that we don't talk.

 

How is any of this even possible? I know it's over and I'm working on moving on now. I just would like some insight into his actions. Thanks to anyone who's read this.

[ThatwasThen]

My guess: (because that's all any of us can give you) He hasn't processed the breakup and is afraid to get himself involved with someone else. Someone who is long distance at that which means one of you will eventually have to uproot in order to maintain the relationship. That's a lot to take on for someone who hasn't even had a chance to get over his last traumatic relationship ending. Frankly, he hasn't known you all that long for him to jump in with both feet. He's infatuated but maybe not into you enough to feel safe going forward.

 

I think you did him a favor by ending it and going zero contact. I don't think you're really ready to be in anything really serious either. If you were, I think you wouldn't have gotten yourself hooked up with someone thousands of miles away.

 

You did the right thing and he's likely quite relieved that you have. With what little actual time you've spent together hopefully you'll be able to cleanse him from your system rather quickly.

 

Good luck.

[jo.]

I cannot assume to know what is in his heart or thoughts and you give no details as to why his wife walked out without notice, so I am wondering if it is possible that her leaving wasn’t something he wanted and he is waiting in hope for signs that she may come back before he will make a decision concerning a future with you. He obviously dosen’t want to loose his connection with you, but appears to not have let go of his connection with his wife.

[Andrina]

I'm assuming you spent at least $1200 for that trip to England. All of that communication you did for a year was only partially reality. You don't know how he was spending his time. He could have been chatting with, or dating other women, for all you know. Never put in more effort than a guy does. You are the one who took the trip. Long distance relationships are difficult enough as it is for already established couples. I would imagine the success rate otherwise is dim. It forces you to spend too much time together on a first visit, which is too much pressure and not the average way to date. I'm assuming you spent a week or two with him. I'd feel smothered if I had to entertain someone I'd just physically met for the first time.

 

It's much cheaper to date locally and you actually get to enjoy a person's company on a regular basis, if it works out. You can see what's going on in reality versus the fantasy world of cyber communication. I'd learn from your mistakes, and know that he was someone you thought you loved, but it was just infatuation, and it ran it's course for him. I'm sorry you took a risk and it didn't pan out. Join meetups. com to supplement your local dating opportunities.

[cmmarti3]

This was my 8th trip to Europe, and I planned on taking it before i started talking to him. I had frequent flyer miles so my ticket was about half (taxes) what it would have been otherwise. But I did spend a lot of money, that's true. I was not willing to stay with him (because it was our first time meeting) and made hotel reservations everywhere we went so he could leave at any time and/or we could get away from each other if we didn't like each other. I didn't want anyone to feel any pressure, and I honestly don't think anyone did. I did stay one night at his parents' house with him, and they asked us to stay longer but we politely declined. I did not want to overstay my welcome anywhere. I told him if he didn't want to spend time with my that I would go to Italy - I told him this the very first day I met him. He asked me to stay so we could spend time together.

 

The first person who replied is correct, though, that I was not ready for a real, local relationship when I started talking with him. I wanted someone far away so I could maybe have an emotional connection but it wouldn't be "real" and I wouldn't have to deal with a real relationship. I was still I guess in the process of overcoming my divorce, which happened while my ex husband was deployed with the Navy and happened right after I was fired from my job. So I experienced a lot of trauma. I feel like I'm still recovering. My ex husband got remarried to an old girlfriend 4 months after our divorce was final, further adding to the trauma I've experienced.

 

His wife walked out of him, from what I gather, because they fought most of the time. She is South American, so he's told me he thinks she used him to get a visa. He told me he never met any of her family and that she never told her family about him. She told her family that she had a British guy as a roommate. The entire situation seems odd to me. I do think he is hoping to get his ex wife back. He told me that she blocked him on Facebook while they were still married though, that she told him to sleep with other people and gave him condoms before he took a vacation to France alone (because she didn't want to go with him - according to him), and he says now if he tried to call her, she would call the police on him for stalking. He's told me a lot of times he wishes he did things different. I understand; I wish I did things differently in my marriage too. But I didn't. And it's over. I can't change it so there's no use dwelling on it now.

 

Part of the reason I guess I had some hope that we'd at least get to spend some more time together and see if we could make this work is because his job will give him a 5 year career break and they will hold his job for him. But this situation started to make me feel so terrible about myself, like he was using me as a place holder (even though I know he does care about me) and that he is still hanging onto the past for some reason I cannot understand, that I had to stop it from continuing any longer. It must sound absurd to the outside person looking in, but I have wanted to move to Europe anyway for a long time (I have three dogs so I can't anytime soon, it's just something I always wanted to do) so I guess I figured if we could make it work, eventually it would be no issue for me to uproot myself.

 

Thank you all for your responses. They have made me feel a little bit better.

[ParisPaulette]

The simple fact is this guy needs some serious therapy. I think he wanted you to help him get over it, he wanted to fall for you and have it all be hearts and roses, he really did want that fantasy BUT the reality was a far harder thing. It's the absolute wrong thing for him to have to done to lay his responsibility for that at the feet of another.

 

The fact is too many people race to start something new thinking that will resolve everything and they never need to face their own roles and responsibility in the previous failed relationship. They sort of do a whole bury the head in the sand routine and that comes back to bite them when they find out that doesn't work in helping them get past that original ex relationship.

 

I'm sorry you got sucked into this, but now you understand that when they say they aren't over the last relationship it's time to exit. It also sounds like he used you a bit as a sort of unpaid therapist/b**ching board, but again that's not fair to you, it's not your job, and it's almost a guarantee such sympathy mongering is pretty much a romance killer. They don't see you fully as a woman or man to have a romantic relationship with, but more of a friend with benefits that they can moan and cry to.

 

As much as it hurts you need to stay NC and move forward. If he contacts you again suggest he get therapy and tell him you refuse to play the part of therapist any longer and don't want to hear about his issues with his ex. That's his job to fix, not yours.

 

You deserve someone with you 100 percent. And this fellow isn't it. You totally did the right thing, the only thing.

[catfeeder]

Even if he lived close by, he's not past his marriage yet, so getting involved would just set you up as a rebound. Add the half WORLD distance to that, and what have you got?

 

Cyber romance is fantasy stuff. People bond with their own fantasies 'about' another person rather than the actual person, because there's no regular physical contact or any communication that isn't framed by projection. In fact, cyber fantasies are usually MORE intense for precisely this reason--you can create whatever you want in your own mind. The other person's words merely help to feed that.

 

I'd skip this, invest in meeting local people and form a healthy relationship based on reality.

[cmmarti3]

I told him before we stopped talking that I thought he needed therapy. He did seek therapy right after his separation, but I don't think he went for long enough. I am going to take some time off and try to be good to myself and not worry about meeting someone right now. I feel pretty terrible because we used to talk every day and I got used to having him around, even if it was just on the phone and via text. And I did tell him I thought he used me and he says he didn't. In any event, I'm too fragile to meet anyone now so I'm going to focus on moving on and being happy on my own. NC is hard but I will absolutely not contact him. Thanks for your suggestions and help.