Could use some advice, my head isn't in the right place.

[Qbe]

Hi ENA,

 

I think I'm at a point where I don't think I can find answers for myself, nor close friends, nor family members and so I turn to the anonymous internet for different perspectives.

 

I'm 30, male, I'm at a point where I've put my career in front of everything in my life, including friends, social life and family. It has rewarded me with things that I could never have done otherwise. It's one of those things that I'm convinced that I'm made for. Last year, through a colleague at work, I was introduced to someone my age - friendly enough, but I wasn't interested in having a relationship, and it's not like we saw each other much anyways. Occasional texting through Facebook. I know she had an interest in me (from what our mutual friend told me), but I was quite enjoying being single and going on business trips with noone to care for but myself.

 

Around 5 months ago, prior to her leaving on a 4-month business trip, I was invited to her place with another, but the 2nd ended up not going, so I was by myself. Had a great time, was quite a bit of touching, smiling and etc - no sex and no kissing as I didn't want to take it that far. Platonic was quite fine for me, but I did get the feeling that there could be more. It was prior to her leaving on the trip so I didn't want to add extra. Sent a couple messages wishing her good luck, and while we did exchange messages every so often, the job for her was pretty demanding so I left her to it.

 

She returned back to the country about 3 weeks ago, and was hosting a birthday party that occurred last week. I was invited, and gladly accepted. Except the same Sunday that the party was being held, my 88 year old grand-dad, after battling cancer for over 2 years, finally succumbed to it. I was thinking of cancelling and being a no show, and after debating it for hours on end while working at the office, I finally decided what the hell, and showed up in the hopes that it would get my mind off of things.

 

The party itself was fine, but she ended up asking how my grand-dad was doing, as she had known from before that he wasn't doing too well. She held my hand saying how sorry she was, and when I got up to leave around 11pm (as I was working early the next day), we ended up hugging repeatedly and I ended up talking to her for over an hour alone with her outside the house.

 

And this is where things start to go wrong. At the office, I'm usually seen as "Mr. Stoic" or "Mr. Robot". I try to never allow my emotions to show or to allow them to dictate how I do my job or manage my team. For me, I've grown used to separating them completely from my professional life. The problem is that I get the feeling that the death of my grand-dad is affecting me more than I thought, or would allow myself to accept. And the problem is that whenever I allow myself to be vulnerable like that, bad things happen because I make the bad choices. I'm not the most self-confident person, but at the office, I'm as confident as can be. It's just my personal life that is very vulnerable and I try to hide that from people. I don't want to talk to my co-worker friends about this because I fear it'll just turn into yet another office rumor/joke, and I can't have that happen. I can't talk to my family about it, because the last time I had a form of depression / burn out, they didn't really understand why I could be so distraught or tired.

 

What went wrong, is that I started allow myself to over-think into the actions: was it because she liked me, or was it because she was sympathetic? But if she's sympathetic, why the repeated hugging? Maybe there *is* potential to continue where we left off prior to her business trip.

 

The other problem is that I too am leaving on a 2-month-minimum long business trip in two weeks time, and tomorrow happens to be the funeral. To complicate matters even more, in two weeks time, she's leaving the job to pursue her dream and is changing cities, that is 5 hours away.

 

Honestly, I feel like I'm losing total control. We talked a little on facebook, and told her that I'd miss her when she leaves. She messaged something along the lines that she's taking a different path now, and all will be different for her. I don't know how to read this, and I don't think my head is in the right place either - and that's what's causing the form of anxiety that I have right now, and the problem is that with this subconcious of mine constantly thinking about what might, could and may happen with what results and impacts, it's literally driving me insane. I ended up inviting her to a dinner I was planning on having with colleagues, and in hind-sight I feel that was far too hasty of me. Yes, there's a mutual friend of ours but... now that she replied 'yes', I'm having doubts on whether that's a good idea, let alone that since its on Sunday (and the funeral is tomorrow, Thursday), I might not be in the best of shape.

 

Part of me thinks I should pursue this to see if there's a chance, one part believes I've already blown it, and the other part believes that rationally there's no point anyways, since I'll be gone for two months+, and from January she's changing countries for a X-month long internship. That same part of me feels she's already moved on and decided that making it work is not worth the hassle, and yet part of me feels that maybe there's something.

 

Either way, I think my head isn't in the right place for me to properly analyze this the way I would normally, and thus I'm asking for advice here. Many thanks in advance, by the way - it's really appreciated.

[LoveSoDeep]

You're going through a lot right now and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

 

Right now you and this woman are just friends, and and she's been there for you through this tough time (which is great) but she's about to leave and start a new life somewhere else. Even if she did have feelings for you, you're in a place right now where getting attached only for her to leave you (geographically) would probably be too much. Try to keep things just friendly with her and don't even think about any other possibilities.

[DoF]

She is going away for # of months to another country....and who knows, they might offer her a job. Long Distance relationships are a no go. So just alone based on that I would call this one done. I think she is getting friend vibes from you and you took too long to make a move. You invited her to an event with your friends, why? That's a friend thing, not a date. Date is one on one.

 

Regardless I would probably not get involved here mostly due to your travels and hers. Maybe tell her you would love to take her on a date when she comes back from the other country?

 

Now onto the more important thing. And this might sound a bit harsh, but I do believe in tough love.

 

I don't really think you are relationship material, mostly based on your history. And that is usually a good indicator of the future. If you want a relationship, you will need to make it a priority. Simple as that.

 

Personally I think putting your job even on the top 5 on the priority list is a bit.......materialistic? Really? Your job/career is more important than your family? That's quite sad (but I will tell you that I've met MANY people like you, if it makes you happy).

 

This is something from someone that came from NOTHING and currently lives like a KING (based on my standards, not American standards of course).

 

Materialistic things are not only bad for you they are WORTHLESS. We spend all of our time working to obtain these things, while we ignore our loved ones.....and once we obtain these items, we waste even more time using them....while we ignore our loved ones even more.

 

Mind you, don't take it to the extreme. We need a place to live, clothes etc, but outside of basics and some basic comforts.....anything beyond that is HARMFUL!

 

Can it be that the reason you feel the way you do about your grandfather is because you didn't have a chance to spend as much time with him as you could've?

 

PEOPLE around you, experiences, memories is what makes life. NOT

 

My job is a TOOL to survive. I'm a husband first, father second, son third, friend 4th and somewhere FAR FAR FAR down the line there is my "job".

 

Sorry if I was too harsh

 

Good luck

[Qbe]

Nothing harsh about it, it is what I asked for.

 

I do feel there's truth to that. Even if I did try and visit my grandparents every two weeks to spend the weekend with them to check up on them, I do feel like I could've spent more time with them. I know he was immensely proud of what I do, but I think there'll always be that lingering feeling within me that maybe I should've done things differently all these past years. The job itself doesn't pay much, not more than a person in a similar position in the civilian world, but in some ways its what I do that allows me to sleep at night (and sometimes that keeps me up at night). I do think that I sacrifice too much of myself for it at times, but other times I feel like its my raison d'etre. No doubt there's going to be a point in the future where I need to ask the hard question whether I continue or leave.

 

I also agree that long distance relationship is a no-go.

 

Many thanks for the advice, I'll keep the relationship friendly and leave it at that.

[sara-pezzini]

You're also now grieving and probably more emotional than usual and you try to feel better and this makes you feel better, so you "obsess" over her because that is easier than dealing with the grief....

Btw I'm sorry for your loss!

[DoF]

Jobs...sleepless nights....ohh I remember those.

 

I completely separated my life from my work life. When I leave, I simply don't think about it AT ALL, until next day at 8am. In time, it did wonders......

 

What you DID or what happens is completely irrelevant. What you do WITH IT going forward, is what really matters. It's never too late.

 

Good luck

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

I once heard it said that people are in our lives for a season, a reason or forever. It sounds as though this woman has entered your life to prompt you to question whether living closed off like a robot is really what you want to continue doing.

 

I mean, sure, you can do that--it's not illegal. But vulnerability and humor and joy are important aspects of being human. I was a workhorse during the better part of my adulthood, and while I enjoyed feeling competent, I did not enjoy being myopic.

 

Beyond this purpose, your friendship with this woman is likely beside the point and possibly irrelevant enough to just relax with her and allow the moments to play out as they will.

 

It could set the tone for how you'll want to pursue more social living going forward. I found that this went hand in hand with work. When I became more social, my work life became more enjoyable, and as my work became more enjoyable, I became someone people wanted to work with and work for--which made me more successful, not less.

 

People grow loyal to the humanity in us, not the milestones and deadlines we set for them. I'd skip concerns about showing that you are a human being on the job. I'd lean into that instead.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[saluk]

"What went wrong, is that I started allow myself to over-think into the actions: was it because she liked me, or was it because she was sympathetic? But if she's sympathetic, why the repeated hugging? Maybe there *is* potential to continue where we left off prior to her business trip."

 

It's not wrong! Sometimes it's OK to do some overthinking, as long as you realize that's what you are doing which it sounds like you have. She was sympathetic - that's not bad. Was it just that? Only she knows. Some people are saying to back off - probably good advice. But it's healthy sometimes to make mistakes rather than try so hard to do the "right" thing - which ultimately is unknowable until after the fact anyway.

 

"Honestly, I feel like I'm losing total control."

 

Some things can be controlled, and others can't. It sounds like you make a considerable effort to control things in your life as much as possible. Not showing too much emotion is one way to prevent from offending anyone for instance, and keep their relationships with you at a controllable distance. There is nothing like losing a loved one to remind you that this control is an illusion. The only thing that comes as close total chaos as that are interactions with the opposite sex. Which you have been having as well.

 

"And the problem is that whenever I allow myself to be vulnerable like that, bad things happen because I make the bad choices."

 

This is a coping mechanism I am very familiar with. If I say something stupid, I shut off and don't want to talk to those people for a long time afterward. But as I watch others, I realize some people say stupid things all the time - and some of the most popular people are the worst offenders! Because along with the one or two stupid things they say, they say a lot of other interesting things. Or tell really great stories. Or connect with everyone by being vulnerable. Trying to not be vulnerable is a false armor, because if you aren't testing that vulnerability, you are not letting those emotional muscles flex.

 

I am sorry for your grandfather. I lost mine 5 years ago, and I still miss him. We were very close. It's probably going to change you a little bit and make you more vulnerable, and you are most likely going to make some bad choices. However, maybe life is sending you an opportunity as well. A chance to be a little more open, to free yourself to make a few more mistakes. As nice as it is to do the "right" thing, it is a new kind of freedom to find that you can survive the riskier, other right thing that looks wrong.

 

As far as this girl goes... it may be too late to give it a go. It kind of sucks that she is going away. But maybe you can remember this experience and get the timing better the next time. You have conquered your career - I bet you have a lot to offer other people as well!

[catfeeder]

...maybe life is sending you an opportunity as well. A chance to be a little more open, to free yourself to make a few more mistakes. As nice as it is to do the "right" thing, it is a new kind of freedom to find that you can survive the riskier, other right thing that looks wrong.

 

Yep, this nails it. Fear of vulnerability is a false protection against it. It keeps you rigid and myopic while only making you more vulnerable, not less. As your world gets smaller and smaller, everything you cannot control looms larger and every little blip gets fantasized into a giant hellish thing that would otherwise hardly be noticed by anyone else if not for your extreme reaction to it.

 

We are all a bunch of frightened human animals, and nobody's got it all down. We're all just doing the best we know how at any given moment. As we learn better, we do better, but we cannot learn anything in a vacuum. Our only real strengths are flexibility and resiliency, and we won't learn these skills through rigidity.

 

So I would avoid catastrophizing. I would embrace the human in myself and in everyone else, and I would change the habit of the critical voice I run in my own head from a harsh judge and jury to an inspiring coach. The best model I can set for myself or anyone is not of one who cannot deal with mistakes but rather how well I can roll with those.

 

Seeks out friends with whom you can be emotional. When you're emotional at inconvenient times, be the first to forgive yourself for it. One of the easiest ways to do that is through humor. Recognizing your humanity instead of trying to cover that up will bond people closer to you. The only thing that alienates us from others is shame--and that's a decision we can change.

[Qbe]

Well, a little update on this...

 

Had the funeral, that's over and done with. In some ways, I think it has brought peace, and it was a form of a wake up call that while the job I do I believe strongly I'm tailor-made for, it's not something I can keep doing until retirement. At some point I'll have to settle down and do other things, and if anything, I think it has forced me to open my eyes to accept that I can't keep sacrificing everything around me for it.

 

She ended up asking me out for a date. "Date", I suppose - she didn't actually use those words (does it really matter if its a 1:1?), but asked if I wanted to join her to go visit historical monuments. Basically mentioned the day before the date that it would be very warm, there would be a beach, she'd do the planning, and to bring shorts. I replied sure and offered to drive. Oh, rendez-vous would be 0800 in the morning; It's heresy making me wake up at 0630 on a weekend (WHO DOES THAT?!).

 

Long story short, the entire day was almost magical. Magical because first of all I really do enjoy historical sites and architecture and we essentially spent the entire 18-19hours talking non-stop. I finally got back home at 0300 the next day. We didn't have lunch but spent the late-afternoon at the beach and visiting the cliffs, ( I ) paid for dinner, and continued talking. Lots of physical contact (no making out, neither I nor her are there yet emotionally anyways), and I really do believe there was connection.

 

We pretty much agreed upon (through indirect talking and indirect referencing) that the timing was off - and while if both of us were stable and had nothing going on for the next 4-6+ months something would definitely happen; It just wouldn't be smart to do so in our current situation.

 

I don't think I've ever gone out on a date that lasted that long, nor as interesting. The overall conclusion I think was the best of possible outcomes. We know there's something, but we're smart enough not to act irrationally. She came accross (or rather confirmed to me since I've known her for about a year and a half or so prior to this) that she'll be a solid friend in the future. We share a lot of things and a lot of values, so I think I can count on her, and hopefully vice versa.

 

I'm not one to blindly hope that pigs start flying, so when/if we do meet up again and do things together in the future (when she gets back from her internship and things settle down a bit for me as well) and that feeling is still there, we'll see how we act upon it then. For now, I'll count her among my good friends and keep living my life, with the lessons learned that I need to stop sacrificing everything around me and stop being myopic.

 

 

All in all, a positive outcome. Thanks for the replies and advice, it's forced me to take a step back and breathe.

[sara-pezzini]

Sounds very good! Both of you are being smart about this and at least you had a great day! I'd say keep in touch with her and who knows for the future!