Am i crazy or is it not right?

[thelonius]

My girlfriend is on vacation with her sister and a single friend of hers in Barcelona. I know how the other two are - very into partying and staying out all night - my girlfriend was before we started dating but she is a little older and grew out of it like i did as well [she is 27 I'm 30] I'm a little uncomfortable with that lifestyle because I just don't think it's appropriate behavior for people in a serious relationship...Maybe I'm a little conservative when it comes to those things. Anyway, she assured me it was just about hanging out at the beach and tanning for a couple of weeks, probably going out to bars but nothing extreme (i would never tell her what to do but this is what she told me it would be)

 

So she skypes me at midnight my time which is 6am in barcelona telling me she just got back from the club, how fun it was, blah blah blah...but there are some weird details in what she is saying. She's telling me "We hung out at the bar that we went to the last two night. we've been talking to the people who work there and when they got off work we went to the club together" So I ask if they were guys. She says yes but of course I already knew they were guys because groups of the same sex don't just meet up and chill randomly on an night out. i don't go to the bar and start looking for other men to chat up. i keep calm and ask her how she would feel if she were in my position. she starts telling me I'm crazy, paranoid, jealous, etc.

 

In addition she told me the day before that they ran into some male friends of theirs and were hanging out with them during the day and went out drinking at night. it all just seems like too much to me. am i crazy? i mean i don't think she would have sex with someone else but i could see her maybe making out with or dancing maybe a little hard with some guy at the club. after a bunch of drinks it's bound to happen - isn't that what going to the club until 6am is about?

[reinventmyself]

If she has never given you a reason to mistrust her then she deserves your trust.

I relate to this because during my marriage or relationships, most of my friends were single and I did things with them and never once was tempted or acted on it. My ex's were trusting of me and I also resent anyone questioning my integrity.

 

You can't keep her on the driveway so the best you can do is continue to work on having a solid relationship and trust that no matter where she is or what she does that she can handle her business accordingly. She is sharing with you her activities and letting you know that there are men and women involved. I think most would omit that piece of information.

 

You don't have much of a choice here when it comes down to it. You either trust her or you don't. I wouldn't try curtailing her time with her friends. That would backfire.

[camus154]

Look, you know they're going out drinking while on vacation. You know they're going to be interacting with guys along the way. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

 

So you either trust her or you don't. I don't know if she's divulging certain details to you in order to test your reaction, or if she's just telling you what they're up to, but the smartest thing to do is say nothing about it. Because there's nothing you can say that will end in your favor. Tell her you have misgivings about this, and she'll call you paranoid and jealous. Tell her you don't want her hanging out with these men, and she'll call you controlling.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do but trust her, or don't trust her.

[DoF]

She is putting herself into an extremely vulnerable situation. Not just being around her party going sisters/friends but also going to places where people get drunk/drugged up and hook up. Being around males/strangers WHILE drunk.

 

Not a healthy environment for someone in the relationship. Actually probably one of the worst environments for someone in a relationship.

 

Is her sister and friend "FRIENDS" of your relationship? Do they like you and support your relationship? If they are not, they are simply not her friends.

 

In general, I don't recommend hanging out with single people while in a relationship. Mostly because they are like drug addicts, they always try to get you to do what they are doing. I know I know, if you are strong enough and smart you will never fall. Thing is, no matter how strong one might be, when exposed to certain environment long enough, we ALL become part of it.

 

Has she offered to invite you on this vacation?

 

Personally I think it's each partners responsibility to not engage and put themselves into environment that is appropriate or unhealthy for a relationship.

 

Bunch of ladies, in another country, going out at deep hours of the night......drinking.....engaging with male strangers........is EXTREMELY vulnerable and unsafe.

 

IMO, you have every reason to feel the way you do. It's behavior of a college girl, not a MATURE WOMAN that is in a Long Term Relationship.

 

This has NOTHING to do with trust and everything to do with being appropriate and respectful towards your partner and relationship. OP's girl is NOT doing that WITH HER ACTIONS.

 

Sorry

[tattoobunnie]

I have been blitzed out of my mind, dancing on bars, on drugs, partying till the cows come home, and have never once cheated while in a relationship, and didn't stop partying until i got knocked up by my hubby when I was 33! I mean, like never even came close to kissing another man even when blotto. If you trust her, and she's always earned your trust, then chillax! She's on vacation with good friends, and having fun. Let her have a blast with your blessing. Cuz trust me, when you two get married, and have kids, your social life and partying days are like non-existant. In fact, you become dead to any of your single friends. So enjoy your youth while you can, cuz you have 50 years to live a boring, quiet life.

[DoF]

 

You don't have much of a choice here when it comes down to it. You either trust her or you don't. I wouldn't try curtailing her time with her friends. That would backfire.

 

Problem is, we don't know if they are her REAL friends. Or simply "friends".

 

Most people don't even know, recognize or realize that.

 

If they are not friends of their relationship, they are NOT her friends. Simple as that. If they were friends, they probably would've kept her away from this vacation all together. It's not the type of vacation for someone that's in a committed/healthy relationship.

 

Actually, I would go as far as saying by the act of inviting her and putting her into that environment, they are not her friends OR friends of their relationship.

 

 

[DoF]

I have been blitzed out of my mind, dancing on bars, on drugs, partying till the cows come home, and have never once cheated while in a relationship, and didn't stop partying until i got knocked up by my hubby when I was 33! I mean, like never even came close to kissing another man even when blotto. If you trust her, and she's always earned your trust, then chillax! She's on vacation with good friends, and having fun. Let her have a blast with your blessing. Cuz trust me, when you two get married, and have kids, your social life and partying days are like non-existant. In fact, you become dead to any of your single friends. So enjoy your youth while you can, cuz you have 50 years to live a boring, quiet life.

 

Some also get to a point where partying and "having fun" is quite opposite of fun.

 

What she is doing certainly doesn't sound fun to me. Being around bunch of young drunk/drugged up kids partying? That's as far away from fun as you can get (TO ME).

 

You seem a bit bitter about your "quiet/boring life". Personally, I enjoy my quiet life WITH 4 kids/wife more than I ever have in my days of teenage/20s partying. It's way more exciting than it used to be as well, but I make it that.

 

Partying and hanging around with complete idiots was extremely boring.......but that's just me.

 

I'm curious what the responses would be if this was a guy out there hanging out with his friends, girls ,getting drunk in another country.

 

Most replies would be "total dog, leave him".

 

 

[rosephase]

Wow, it must be exhausting not to trust your partner. People can drink and hang out with other people without cheating. If you need her to not have fun in order to protect your insecurity, that is controlling. Going out drinking and dancing and meeting new people is a part of vacation fun for a lot of people (even at the old mature age of 27). She is an adult you need to be able to trust her choices even when you are not around.

[thelonius]

I just want to reiterate that this is a sister of hers that is in a serious relationship as well and is only a year or two younger and one friend who was single until she got to barcelona and reunited with some guy from back home she had been talking to...not a pack of single women. so three girls in relationships waiting until the bar closes so they can go out to the club with the male bar staff. people who say i need to trust her...do I? that's sort of an excuse because you're essentially saying a woman doesn't have to make any compromises in a relationship but it seems like men are constantly compromising. i know if i were engaging in the behavior with any of my serious girlfriends they would not be happy. maybe there is a point beyond which trust is irrelevant. what if she stayed overnight in a strange man's bed? do i need to trust her then or is it just wrong in general?

 

I mean I guess you are right. if she continues this type of thing I can't change her so I trust her or break up but it's pretty sad them so many people today choose partying and 'freedom' over a relationship that could turn out really well. i've never tried to be controlling or take away her freedom. she's gone out with friends in nyc before; it's not a big deal. this just seems seedy, strange, and not like something i would dream of doing if i were out with my friends. if i started chatting up girls at the bar my friends would wonder what the hell was wrong with me. when i'm out with friends we generally keep to ourselves because we have partners and are mature adults that don't go seeking out members of the opposite sex to go dancing with.

 

I asked for honest opinions and I thank you so much for them even if I don't feel the same way about it necessarily. I really wanted to see the other perspective and I get it.

 

 

And as for the person who asked if she had invited me, her sister had been abroad for two years and recently returned so this was sort of a sisters' retreat initially. the third girl is a very close friend to both of them.

[j.man]

I try to visit Spain at least once a year to see friends and family and Barcelona is by far my least favorite city to go to. It's Europe's party hub. So many better places to go! Almeria, Granada, Sevilla, Valencia, pretty much anywhere in Basque Country... even Madrid!!

 

BUT I DIGRESS. I don't agree with DoF often, but I'm kinda with him here. While I don't think it's at all wrong for even people who are spoken for to go out and have a drunken night on their own with friends on occasion, I'd be a bit put off if my girlfriend were the type to enjoy two weeks of drinks and nightlife, during which she and her friends are meeting up with groups of guys in somewhere like Barcelona or Vegas. (Let's face it, groups of women meeting up with groups of guys carries a different context than simply one single mixed group of friends.)

 

I don't see my girlfriend as the type to go on this kind of trip, so I don't know how I'd react. I don't think I'd dream of stopping her, but I might ask her to keep it to a few drinks if she does go out. I trust my girlfriend, but I don't trust anybody who's under the influence in vulnerable situations, myself included.

 

Yes, you should be able to trust your partner. However, your partner should be conscientious about putting themselves in too many situations where that trust is being tested.

 

All that said, I just wouldn't think about it. If something happens, something happens. There's no way to know and there's no use worrying over it. Let her feel 22 again and get it out of her system. Things will be back to normal when she gets back if you can let go of the insecurity. If next month she starts talking about some sort of sequel, then I'd consider raising boundaries.

[thelonius]

as europeans i think they were well aware of this reputation when they chose where to go. they claim they went because the beach is nice but I don't know anything about that.

[j.man]

as europeans i think they were well aware of this reputation when they chose where to go. they claim they went because the beach is nice but I don't know anything about that.

The best beaches in Spain are all in Andalucia. But, in their defense, Barcelona is probably going to be the safest bet with being able to communicate. Assuming your girlfriend speaks English primarily, she's going to find a lot more speakers there than France or Italy.

[relevart]

Since she is in a relationship with you, under no circumstance is she allowed to spend time with her sister and friends having fun. She also must get your OK on everythingshe does.

 

Well, not really. As others have said, you either trust her on your don't. Worrying about what other people may be doing is really tiring and in the end only drives them away.

 

And just because something isn't fin to you doesn't mean it can't be fun to her.

[DoF]

(even at the old mature age of 27).

 

There is nothing old or mature about most 27 year olds.....sorry

[DoF]

Correct

 

There is no such a thing as 100% trust. Think of trust or "not cheating" as a brick of walls without mortar that can be taken apart any time.

 

Drinking, removes few bricks. Being a a club....some more......your friends hooking up around you.....more.......heavy drinking, half the wall just came down.

 

Again, it's up to each partner to NOT put themselves in situations where the brick wall slowly crumbles and can be taken apart.

 

Anyone that belives in "PERFECT" or "100%" (not just trust) is simply naive or unrealistic.

[DoF]

as europeans i think they were well aware of this reputation when they chose where to go. they claim they went because the beach is nice but I don't know anything about that.

 

Has she invited you to go with her? If not, that alone speaks volumes about their intentions.

 

Is her sister and friend FRIENDS of your relationship? If they were they would also ask her to invite you.

 

I would be curious to know the answers to above though.

 

I don't know about you, but if my friends want to go on vacation.....well, going on vacation WITHOUT my loved one, is no vacation. I simply wouldn't enjoy myself at all.

[Hermes]

Calm down, Thelonius lol. She'll be OK.

 

Is your GF a heavy drinker? Drugger? If not, then it doesn't matter whether she parties from 10 a.m. till 6 p.m. (daytime) or from nightfall till 6 a.m.

We've all done it.

 

Better to do her partying now than bustin' loose once she is married to you.

[DoF]

Better to do her partying now than bustin' loose once she is married to you.

 

Busting loose NOW is as much of an issue....

[Hermes]

One other thing, Thelonius, she is not married to you. So, as a single girl I think she is entitled to go on a holiday with her sister and friend. In any case it is a question of trust.

I think someone else asked why did you not also go on the holiday with her? Perhaps that would have been best.

[j.man]

Calm down, Thelonius lol. She'll be OK.

 

Is your GF a heavy drinker? Drugger? If not, then it doesn't matter whether she parties from 10 a.m. till 6 p.m. (daytime) or from nightfall till 6 a.m.

We've all done it.

 

Better to do her partying now than bustin' loose once she is married to you.

I actually just did that a few weekends ago. First time in like 7 years.

 

Except when I was 22, it was, "Man, I can't believe we partied until 6am. That was AWESOME!"

At 29... "Oh my God... please tell me that's just the moon bringing its A-game... "

[Hermes]

I am not 22, or 29 either. But I can still party till 6 a.m. as and when the occasion requires lol.

 

Last time was a family reunion, a couple of months back, we made it to 5 a.m.

[DoF]

I am not 22, or 29 either. But I can still party till 6 a.m. as and when the occasion requires lol.

 

Last time was a family reunion, a couple of months back, we made it to 5 a.m.

 

I'm pretty sure most people CAN, I know I can.

 

Do I want to is a WHOLE another discussion. And SHOULD I with my "boys", accross the ocean, in one of the party hot spots......is what this thread is about.

 

 

[rosephase]

If you can't trust your girlfriend be an adult, someone who looks after her relationship even when she is having fun with others, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship with her.

 

If the only way you feel secure in your relationship is if you are around her all the time or if she's having a quite night in with a book then you aren't secure enough to be in a relationship.

 

I don't believe in controlling people I care about so I don't have to face my insecurities, in my oponion that is not a good foundation for a relationship.

[Hermes]

So, Thelonius, what do YOU think? Based on all our posts above.

 

After all you know this girl better than any of us. And, regardless of the situation, it really does depend on the person. If she has good boundaries then she will party all she wants and it will remain at that.

[DoF]

If you can't trust your girlfriend be an adult, someone who looks after her relationship even when she is having fun with others, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship with her.

 

If the only way you feel secure in your relationship is if you are around her all the time or if she's having a quite night in with a book then you aren't secure enough to be in a relationship.

 

I don't believe in controlling people I care about so I don't have to face my insecurities, in my opinion that is not a good foundation for a relationship.

 

Again, it has NOTHING to do with trust or control.

 

Everything to do with being appropriate and respectful towards your relationship.