Does my sci-fi synopsis intrigue you?

[Soup the Dog]

My first thread on ENA I mentioned an issue with a certain story, but ended it completely overhauling it for something fresh and exciting. Here's my synopsis below:

 

Profit in antiquity. The motto of the thieving crew of Ballistic’s Thrill. One ex-commando with a talent (or annoyance, depending on who’s asked) for losing fingers during heists and two flirtatious robbers who banter as much as they steal, these three are more than capable of surviving the Black Markets of the Solar System. And they’ll need every bit of skill, experience, and witticism when the Commandos of the Solar United Military instigate a coup d’état against the government. What follows turns once honorable soldiers into dishonorable thieves and the crew of Ballistic’s Thrill into outright prey. And then there’s the matter of a certain sentient grenade named Heaven…

 

Thanks for reading.

[camus154]

Sounds intriguing to me.

 

Especially the grenade called Heaven. Brilliant.

[Soup the Dog]

Thanks, yeah the grenade idea kinda came to me out of the blue. I mean, who wouldn't want a talking grenade? Makes you least likely to actually pull the pin and throw it if it's screaming for mercy. Appreciate the feedback!

 

___

 

But now I've got an even funny story to tell.

 

I dropped my flash drive down the toilet and now "From Beyond the Ballistic's Heaven" is gone. 19 pages, 7000 words, 1100 minutes worth of what I consider my best writing gone. I have to start completely over.

 

But not just that story.

 

Another one, too, with 28 pages, 10000 words, and 2100 minutes of story.

 

Oh man, oh man. What a lovely day.

[camus154]

That really, really really sucks.

 

Is there any way you can recover this from your computer's hard drive? Was it only stored on the flash drive?

[Soup the Dog]

Only stored on the flash drive. All of it.

 

Oh, yes, I can't think of a more sucky-er situation to be in than this right now. A large part of me is wanting to sit down at the computer and not stop writing for the next, say, 48 hours until at least one of them is done. But another part of me is wanting to curl up in bed and sleep it off for the next 48 hours.

 

We'll see who wins....

[SophieGrace]

For what it's worth, I've lost entire days and weeks of work in the past through computer malfunction (and shortsightedness in not backing everything up twice). But I always chose to believe that it was a message from the universe that I could write something even better.

 

I like your synopsis - sounds very intriguing - and I love that you are going forward with it. Some feedback for your consideration:

 

Re: the line below:

 

"One ex-commando with a talent (or annoyance, depending on who’s asked) for losing fingers during heists and two flirtatious robbers who banter as much as they steal, these three are more than capable of surviving the Black Markets of the Solar System."

 

I would not add parenthetical information about character in the log line. I would also put something about those characters that describes interesting strengths or specialties so the back end of the sentence follows, rather than a guy who is so bumbling (my interpretation) that he loses his fingers regularly, or what sounds like hot girls who talk a lot (again my interpretation, but I am the one reading it. Haha.) In other words, "more than capable" doesn't follow from what you wrote.

 

Also not clear to me who the "honorable soldiers" are who will become "dishonorable thieves"? At first I thought it was the protagonists (assumed heroes) in the previous line, but you said they are already thieves so is it the current Commandos of the Military who were once honorable and now not?

 

And I would build out the sentient grenade line a bit more so it relates back to the plot rather than throwing it away with "then there's the matter with..." I think it will only create more interest and depth to bring it back into the whole.

 

Finally, I love the idea of "black market of the solar system". What you had written about it in a previous post sounded really creative - you might consider building this out a bit too.

 

That's it. Other than I am excited and proud of you and hope you will let us know how it's going!

[Soup the Dog]

Hey Grace, yeah, I've tried looking at it like that-the universe hopefully has a grander plan for my trusty stories. At least I'll see them again soon.

 

Thanks for the feedback-you hit quite a few nails on the head. I wrote that synopsis about halfway through and I noticed, too, that some of it was off-key. The ex-commando turned out to be not so bumbling but more of a consummate soldier who tries to prepare for everything. No, the flirtatious banter is between the main character (a male) and a female.

 

Right, the SUM commandos are the ones turned into thieves after they staged a coup d'état against the government. Kind of like what happened with Los Zetas, who were once an elite military unit and later morphed into one of the most dangerous cartels in Mexico. But instead of turning into a cartel, most of SUM turned into pirates and thieves. With Ballistic's Thrill at the top of the list of most wanted thieves, naturally they were targeted first. Though "dishonorable thieves" does sound a bit redundant. Ballistic's Thrill is the name of their cruiser.

 

The sentient grenade's name actually has a lot to do with the title (From Beyond the Ballistic Heavens) as you can probably see and the path of the story.

___

 

Mind if I ask what genres you write in? You seem pretty well-versed!

[SophieGrace]

Well I must confess sci-fi is a bit out of my reading wheelhouse so I did not connect a sentient grenade with going beyond a ballistic heaven.

 

The way I figure it is, when writing a synopsis you need to spell everything out in a clear arc so even those unfamiliar with the more esoteric elements will still grasp the story and want to read. I think writers like Orwell, HG Wells, and even Philip K understood this well (and Philip 's books still have a lot of brainy sci fi jargon).

 

I'll PM you - don't want to distract with my own tangential experience.

[Soup the Dog]

Ugh.

 

The only thing I worrying about now is the quality of the work I've lost. Of course I'm the same writer but I'm unsure if I can write as well as I had before...

[SophieGrace]

You can... and you will

[Soup the Dog]

Thanks for the inspiration, Grace!

___

 

Yarr...I wore myself out for the last couple of hours finding a way to sync OneDrive with my new flash drive only to find Microsoft already had a installer already created.

 

I'll start over tomorrow, in the morning, and let you guys know what comes of it when next week rolls around.

[SophieGrace]

Hey Soup - Just tried to PM you back but now your PM feature is turned off. I'd say you may not have enough posts to send/receive PMs but since we've already sent one round, that wouldn't be the case. You might want to ask a moderator about that - you could have accidentally turned something off.