djriker Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Hey all first of all I want to say I'm glad I found is forum. Second there's this girl, she's 28 im 33, we've been friends since April, I've always had the gut feeling that's she's been hurt in the past. One day she seems she wants to go out. The next day she is very standoffish. I recently found out that through a post on Facebook she replied to that she has been cheated on. I would rather die a slow painful death then to hurt her or any girl. My question is is it worth to continue to try and date her, knowing that there may always be trust issues with her? If so how do I go about this and prove to her that I will NEVER EVER hurt her in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 you can't prove anything to her and shoudln't have to. you'd drive yourself to the brink of insanity and burn-out throwing all the validation you can and then some into the endless abyss of her insecurity to no effect on her. dunno whether she's dealt with the insecurity or not (playing hot and cold and moaning on facebook kinda point to not), but i do know there's nothing you can do to deal with it for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophieGrace Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Welcome to ENA Dj. I agree with RC - the woman's alternating hot and cold behavior combined with posting on FB about past hurts doesn't bode well for her ability to form a trusting relationship. If you go forward with it anyway, there is nothing you can do to "prove" you are trustworthy other than to be that. But if she doesn't trust herself to pick someone who won't cheat, she will most likely look for things to validate mistrust even when they aren't there no matter who you are and how you act. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Is a girl who has been cheated on worth the effort? That depends on her and you. My question is is it worth to continue to try and date her, knowing that there may always be trust issues with her? If you don't want to date girls who have been cheated on then that cuts out 50% or more of potential partners. Anyway, you won't usually know if anyone has been cheated on unless they tell you. Perhaps consider not dating girls who make a big deal out of it early on, especially ones who try to blame you as a man for their ex-partner's behavior. If you do, you're more likely to be a comfort blanket or counselor until they get better, then after that, because their needs and wants have changed, they'll find someone else. Most people have been hurt by the time they're 28. If so how do I go about this and prove to her that I will NEVER EVER hurt her in any way. You can't prove you will never hurt her because that's an impossible goal. You will hurt her and she will hurt you. That's what happens in life. A much better goal is to do things that minimize the risk of hurt and reduce the amount of hurt, and set up your relationship so that when you do hurt each other it's easier to recover from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathy679 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I think you should pick a good moment to talk to her about this. If you really like her then it is worth fighting for. So many people have been hurt in relationships it would be more common to find someone who hasn't. But communication is the key here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 A person who has been cheated on in the past would not necessarily make a bad partner. What matters is how she has dealt with it. If she's a jealous, awful emotional mess, then she's not a good choice but there are many people who have been cheated on and worked through it properly and they aren't like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 The cheating isn't the issue. Her lack of consistent interest in you is the issue. Take a pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I can date a woman who has been cheated on. I can't date a woman who has trust issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 At least she knows that she has been cheated on. Some will never know and you are usually the last person aware of this although its your first concern. I would tread carefully, she shouldnt be hurt again soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Hey all first of all I want to say I'm glad I found is forum. Second there's this girl, she's 28 im 33, we've been friends since April, I've always had the gut feeling that's she's been hurt in the past. One day she seems she wants to go out. The next day she is very standoffish. I recently found out that through a post on Facebook she replied to that she has been cheated on. I would rather die a slow painful death then to hurt her or any girl. My question is is it worth to continue to try and date her, knowing that there may always be trust issues with her? If so how do I go about this and prove to her that I will NEVER EVER hurt her in any way. Everyone has been hurt in the past. You have your priorities all wrong, and come accross as a doormat, if you would rather die a slow painful death than hurt a woman. You have no reason to conclude her hot/cold behavior is due to being cheated on. You have no reason to conclude she has trust issues because she was cheated on. I would recommend not seeing her because she is sending mixed signals. Everything else is irrelevant. Get used to rejecting and hurting people. It's a fact of life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 To answer your questions simply: Yes, if she is over it and has moved on and is interested in you, receptive to your attention, and not pulling hot and cold behavior. Otherwise I'm afraid half the population wouldn't be able to date each other, both men and women, under that standard. BUT No, if the person is not over being cheated on and uses it as an excuse to misbehave, blow hot and cold, still is obviously hurting about it, uses it as a reason or excuse not to engage with you or anyone else. At that point they need to go get therapy or do something else or just let time fade the hurt and NOT date anyone. And you shouldn't even bother to try to date anyone like that, because you're spinning your wheels like a 4-wheeler stuck in quicksand. IF that's what is going on, and I say if because you don't know for sure. Bottom line, this girl is either not that into you and is using it as an excuse simply not to date you OR she is clearly not over her ex and isn't healed enough to want to jump in, have a good time, and start a whole new thing. Or it's something else altogether, but I think you're grasping at straws here, what she clearly ISN'T interested in is just dating you. Move on to someone who is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 throwing all the validation you can and then some into the endless abyss of her insecurity to no effect on her. +1 for imagery! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Hey all first of all I want to say I'm glad I found is forum. Second there's this girl, she's 28 im 33, we've been friends since April, I've always had the gut feeling that's she's been hurt in the past. One day she seems she wants to go out. The next day she is very standoffish. I recently found out that through a post on Facebook she replied to that she has been cheated on. I would rather die a slow painful death then to hurt her or any girl. My question is is it worth to continue to try and date her, knowing that there may always be trust issues with her? If so how do I go about this and prove to her that I will NEVER EVER hurt her in any way. This is not about whether she's hurting, based on her past, but more about her "interest level" in you. You've been friends with her for a few months, so she has had plenty of time to show her interest in dating you (she would have given you "subtle clues"). If she hasn't done this, then either she isn't ready to date, or it ain't going to be you. Showing a "Jekyll/Hyde" character, means that the answer is "no" to dating her at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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