Dating an older, divorced guy!

[enredada]

Hello!

 

I am 27 - he is 44, recently divorced (he separated 2 years ago), with 3 kids. I know!!! COMPLICATED THING. don't judge plz.

 

I have been dating him for over a year now. We met shortly after he moved out and was in the process of getting divorced. We were friends first and then... just happened. We got involve in this crazy, amazing relationship.

 

Our relationship is amazing, he really makes me extremely happy. We always have the most amazing time when we are together. I don't remember being this happy in a long time.

 

I was married too. My ex was a drug user and things got ugly quickly. 3 rehabs couldn't fix the problem, he wasn't ready for the change. You can imagine the struggle of living with somebody with an out of control drug addiction.

 

The thing is that I got married very young, I was only 22. You expect marriage to be that fairy tail they show you in the movies. It was hard to deal with it. I had to become the provider of the house while I was going to school too. My ex-husband didn't appreciate all my efforts. I don't hate him, or blame him. I know hi had an issue and he was not thinking straight. He is a good guy, I know, but I just couldn't stay.

 

When I met current bf, it was so amazing to feel special, pretty, important again. He makes me feel like the center of his universe which is great, but when I think of all his baggage (divorced after 15+ of marriage and 3 kids) I start thinking if I am getting into trouble again.

 

I just got off of a painful, hurtful relationship. I am getting into another one, which is amazing but, with a lot of baggage. I hate to think I making a mistake for dating somebody who is older than me and that has 3 kids.

 

When I think about, I really don't mind the kids, I don't mind that I have to share his time with them, and that I am probably 3rd priority after work and kids. I think I can deal with that. I am very busy and have a lot to focus on too, I have a great job and am being successful in my career.

 

I hate that he don't want to introduce me to the kids yet, which I understand and I will wait until the right time comes. Although I am willing to wait, I hate to be that big secret they can not know about. I hate to have to run to my place every time they are going over their dad's apartment. I hate being in the shadow.

 

I also wonder how they will react when they meet me. I think they may like me or hate me. I wonder if his ex wife will hate me because I am younger and her kids will be around me. I always think that it may be hell and they make my life miserable. I just wonder if I should sacrifice the beautiful relationship I have with my bf because all of my fears. I am in a weird spot where I can judge my decisions. I can't think straight and make a choice of what is good or bad for me. I AM CONFUSED. He is an amazing person, and I don't want to leave him without giving it a try. On the other hand, I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to be disappointed again.

[Andrina]

First off, before you continue with him, if it's a long term relationship you're both wanting, you have to find out if you have the same life goals. Do you want biological children? If you do and he doesn't want anymore, then that should be a deal breaker for you. After more than a year of dating, he should know by now if the relationship is serious, and that he believes your relationship will be long lasting. If this is the case, why hasn't he, at this point, introduced you? I'd get an idea of how much longer it will take for him to decide to introduce you. If he hedges and can't give an answer, then maybe you're not long term material in his eyes, even though you thought you were.

 

With three kids, a lot of his money will be going for child support. Since he lives in an apartment, I'm guessing his pay isn't in the super high range. Are you willing to pay for vacations since he may not be able to? Will you be willing to put away for retirement for both of you, since he might not be able to? And if the kids eventually do meet you, even if they are great and you like each other, there are still stressful times whenever you have kids around. I know that too well, since my teenaged stepdaughter lived with my husband and I for 4 years before she went off to college. She was the biggest source of our arguments.

 

As far as the age difference goes, some people may have other opinions, but when I was single, I had a limit of 7 years younger or older. Seventeen years is a huge difference to me. My in-laws have an 18 year age difference with her being older. She uses a cane, broke her hip several years ago, and drives about 30 mph on the highway. Her life is full of doctor appointments. She retired many years ago. Her husband still works. They are in totally different life stages, which is presently happening to you, since he already has children, and in only 6 years, he's going to be 50 and you'll only be 33. Take a look at non-celebrity photos of men of that age and see if it doesn't bother you to still be rather young and in a relationship with a guy who is heading toward his retirement years.

[SophieGrace]

I know you have tried to sum up your issue in a succinct manner, but you only mentioned that you liked feeling pretty and special and important to him. You didn't talk about any of the more basic foundational aspects of a relationship in terms of his qualities, shared values, and what a future might look and feel like with him.

 

If I were you, I'd discuss some of the very good points that Andrina brought up.

 

At the very least, your post implies you are most concerned about being a secret with his core family. Since you have been together a year, it's time to have the discussion about when he sees this happening - when is the "right time"? Is this okay with you?

[Helpexpressme]

I find it weird that he has not introduced you to the children yet. You have been dating for over a year, not 2 months. That sounds odd to me.

[abitbroken]

I find it weird that he has not introduced you to the children yet. You have been dating for over a year, not 2 months. That sounds odd to me.

 

When they met he had just moved out and was in the PROCESS of getting a divorce. Any of that time he was still married to their mother doesn't count towards "long enough to met the kids". He should not introduce his kids to any romantic interest at all so soon after the divorce IF he is even divorced yet. He should also not introduce his kids to anyone unless the relationship is really going somewhere (as in an engagement is on the horizon pending the intro of the kids.) And if the kids are having a lot of trouble with the divorce - it is the health of the kids - not the time-in of the gf that dictates.

[abitbroken]

I just got off of a painful, hurtful relationship. I am getting into another one, which is amazing but, with a lot of baggage. I hate to think I making a mistake for dating somebody who is older than me and that has 3 kids.

 

When I think about, I really don't mind the kids, I don't mind that I have to share his time with them, and that I am probably 3rd priority after work and kids. I think I can deal with that. I am very busy and have a lot to focus on too, I have a great job and am being successful in my career.

 

Make sure you are reconnecting with friends you lost touch with during your last relationship. Don't make the focus the boyfriend so much. If you were in a painful relationship, how long between your breakup and taking up with your boyfriend?

[Man with Dog]

OK not 17 years and no kids/step-kids but I've done age-gap enough and my Mrs is 10 years younger. I see there's lots of opposing views about meeting the kids. My opinion? In between. I don't think you should be hidden away as a "dirty little secret" BUT you should not be moved in as a stepmum either. It is true that the kids are the top priority but, come on, this is 2015 and parents get divorced and date even in the movies. Unless, of course, they are all very little. I don't think you should be hidden when they come. You should be there as daddy's girlfriend, no more and no less. You should not be planning trips out as a "family". You are not their family, although you might be one day.

 

On the subject of non-celebrity men, I was born the same day as someone famous and I look WAY younger than him! My "secret": I drink little alcohol, eat sensibly, don't smoke or do drugs and have only slept with one woman in the last 20 odd years. I might be a boring old f@rt but at least I don't like like one!

[Man with Dog]

When they met he had just moved out and was in the PROCESS of getting a divorce. Any of that time he was still married to their mother doesn't count towards "long enough to met the kids". He should not introduce his kids to any romantic interest at all so soon after the divorce IF he is even divorced yet. He should also not introduce his kids to anyone unless the relationship is really going somewhere (as in an engagement is on the horizon pending the intro of the kids.) And if the kids are having a lot of trouble with the divorce - it is the health of the kids - not the time-in of the gf that dictates.

 

Not being pedantic here and there may be legal implications to do with kids that I don't know about BUT in 99.999% of cases, the divorce is not (emotionally) the main issue. It is the break-up of the marriage, that can easily occur 2 years before the divorce.

 

In my experience and opinion, a marriage is over when:

 

1. The couple do not have a partnership of any kind: there is no sex, cuddles, trips out

2. One partner has physically left (although I understand that, due to the economic mess, many ex couples are still "housemates")

3. A sensible period of time has elapsed where there is no reasonable doubt that it wasn't one of those yo-yo situations

4. Nobody has expressed a desire to seek a reconciliation

5. Either/both are dating

6. The kids have been told its for good

[enredada]

Andrina! Thank you for taking some of your time to give me thoughtful response.

 

*same life goals? I do not think we have the exact same goals but we do share similar interests. He is very successful and smart. He helped me to be confident again and have mentored me in how to become successful too. He gave me always advice and we share great smart talks and interests. He is at the top of his career and I am beginning it but, he has helped me a lot to be who I am today. I admire him very much and have a lot of respect for him. He does too for me.

 

*Do you want biological children? Absolutely. We have talked about it and he said he will be ok having more kids. I would want only one but I can't deny that I am concern of his age and his ability to have a healthy kid with me. He is a great dad and he loves his kids very much. I would never doubt he would be same as great for mine.

 

*why hasn't he, at this point, introduced you? He left home over two years ago but officially divorced at the end of last year. I believe there has been a lot of issues with the way how the kids have taken the divorce. That is his version. I know that one of them is getting psychological help. I don't want to push him to introduce me if it is going to make things more difficult but, I am also getting tired of being that big secret.

 

*Are you willing to pay for vacations since he may not be able to? Will you be willing to put away for retirement for both of you, since he might not be able to? I think am not concern about money

 

*"She was the biggest source of our arguments". That is my biggest fear, I know there will be times when I will disagree with something related with the kids. I am sure I will hear the "you are not my mother" thing and that there will be some misunderstandings around the relationship with the kids. How you handle that with your step daughter?

 

* " if it doesn't bother you to still be rather young and in a relationship with a guy who is heading toward his retirement years." lol you are right, maybe I still able to find him very attractive maybe not. Only time will tell. I do get weird looks when we are out, totally know what you mean.

 

Thank you again.

[enredada]

why hasn't he, at this point, introduced you?

Andrina! Thank you for taking some of your time to give me thoughtful response.

 

*same life goals? I do not think we have the exact same goals but we do share similar interests. He is very successful and smart. He helped me to be confident again and have mentored me in how to become successful too. He gave me always advice and we share great smart talks and interests. He is at the top of his career and I am beginning it but, he has helped me a lot to be who I am today. I admire him very much and have a lot of respect for him. He does too for me.

 

*Do you want biological children? Absolutely. We have talked about it and he said he will be ok having more kids. I would want only one but I can't deny that I am concern of his age and his ability to have a healthy kid with me. He is a great dad and he loves his kids very much. I would never doubt he would be same as great for mine.

 

*why hasn't he, at this point, introduced you? He left home over two years ago but officially divorced at the end of last year. I believe there has been a lot of issues with the way how the kids have taken the divorce. That is his version. I know that one of them is getting psychological help. I don't want to push him to introduce me if it is going to make things more difficult but, I am also getting tired of being that big secret.

 

*Are you willing to pay for vacations since he may not be able to? Will you be willing to put away for retirement for both of you, since he might not be able to? I think am not concern about money

 

*"She was the biggest source of our arguments". That is my biggest fear, I know there will be times when I will disagree with something related with the kids. I am sure I will hear the "you are not my mother" thing and that there will be some misunderstandings around the relationship with the kids. How you handle that with your step daughter?

 

* " if it doesn't bother you to still be rather young and in a relationship with a guy who is heading toward his retirement years." lol you are right, maybe I still able to find him very attractive maybe not. Only time will tell. I do get weird looks when we are out, totally know what you mean.

 

Thank you again.

[enredada]

Thank you. I am trying that. I am finding myself again but, in that process, I got stuck in this crazy relationship.

[abitbroken]

Not being pedantic here and there may be legal implications to do with kids that I don't know about BUT in 99.999% of cases, the divorce is not (emotionally) the main issue. It is the break-up of the marriage, that can easily occur 2 years before the divorce.

 

In my experience and opinion, a marriage is over when:

 

1. The couple do not have a partnership of any kind: there is no sex, cuddles, trips out

2. One partner has physically left (although I understand that, due to the economic mess, many ex couples are still "housemates")

3. A sensible period of time has elapsed where there is no reasonable doubt that it wasn't one of those yo-yo situations

4. Nobody has expressed a desire to seek a reconciliation

5. Either/both are dating

6. The kids have been told its for good

 

Kids don't always comprehend that its for the good.

 

The "the marriage was over way before the divorce" is about the parents, not the kids. Parents can decide to live like brother and sister for years amicably - but to the kids - their parents are living in the same house, their family unit is stable. Little has changed. Once a parent moves out, and then figures out how to coparent living apart - that is when a kid's world gets rocked. If the child is having deeper problems, then adding a girlfriend might not be the right thing right now.

 

I also think what should be considered is her age. He may not be sure it is a permanent situation being that she is so young - he hasn't decided if she is the trophy girlfriend or an equal partner perhaps. There is also the issue of not appearing to move on too quickly in regards to the ex.

 

You also don't want to intro the kids to a series of girlfriends.

 

I guess my whole point is that she can't consider its been a year and time to get introduced - but start the clock from the actual divorce instead.

 

When she is introduced - it should be on neutral territory for the first time especially if the kids are having issues. Not in "their" house and it should be for an outing that is a limited time to see how they react, whether she is introduced as a "friend" at first or she is introduced that this is the woman that dad is serious about - I would consult the psychologist as well.

 

Before you push to see the kids, though, I would think long and hard over if this guy is right for you. Did you rush into this too quickly after your last relationship? Maybe you were attracted because he was not completely available. Are you good with the age gap? Do you have goals that mesh? Do you see yourself living in another state? Are you good with always having to live in the area due to the kids? I wouldn't meet the kids if you have any doubts right now.

[Andrina]

I'll answer the one question you ask. If you ever get to a place where the children are around you, then the only goal should be that you are pleasant and respectful to them and that they will be the same to you. I doubt this will happen in your case, but in my case, my husband has always had full custody of his daughter and his mother is mentally unstable. He wanted me to be a "mother" to his child. She was already 14. I told him not to pressure us, and that I wanted the relationship to form naturally, and didn't know what it would end up as. As it turns out, we liked each other and I gave her a lot of womanly advice, and we've always been friendly, but I'm not a mother to her. The arguments my husband and I had came about because he went way overboard spoiling her, at the detriment of his personal time and finances. I believe he was trying to make up for her having a lousy mother.

 

Anyway, read some books from the library, ahead of time, on blended families on your role, or google articles about it. It would be exhausting to type everything here. Good luck on whatever path you choose.

[Sportster2005]

Why would he want to introduce his kids when you refer to them as baggage? He's always going to put his kids(which aren't baggage) ahead of you. Accept your shadow role.

 

You're catastrophizing. Relax. You're right about one thing, and one thing only. And that is, you don't know how this will play out.

 

There is NO way on Earth we can avoid being hurt when it comes to love. You spends your money and you take your chances. Only you can determine risk/benefit dynamics. Personally I think you should go for it. I don't if you can understand how rare it is to find someone in life who makes you use the words 'amazing'. Good luck.

[relevart]

I find it weird that he has not introduced you to the children yet. You have been dating for over a year, not 2 months. That sounds odd to me.

Do you by chance have kids? It seems odd to me when folks rush into introducing their kids to random people they're dating. Depending on the ages or how painful the split was, I think it is almost always a very wise thing to delay the introductions for as long as possible. It's confusing to kids and there's no reason in my mind to make introductions unless the relationship is almost certainly going somewhere besides "dating an older, divorced guy."

[abitbroken]

Do you by chance have kids? It seems odd to me when folks rush into introducing their kids to random people they're dating. Depending on the ages or how painful the split was, I think it is almost always a very wise thing to delay the introductions for as long as possible. It's confusing to kids and there's no reason in my mind to make introductions unless the relationship is almost certainly going somewhere besides "dating an older, divorced guy."

 

Agree - and when has older, divorced guy gone to counseling and does he understand what his part in the breakup or breakdown of the marriage was. if he doesn't understand that, then run for the hills.

 

He shouldn't introduce her to kids until the time is right for them - and/or they have a serious commitment. dating one year - part of that where the guy wasn't legally free to make a commitment - is not it. There is a difference between a child that is seriously hurting and a manipulative child. And it sounds like his child is hurting.