isporncheating Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 So, my life is pretty good. I have a good job, a good family, a good girlfriend. The last one I'm having trouble with. Not a lot of trouble, just the same fight happening again and again. The issue? Her not being okay with me finding other girls attractive. It all started about a year into our relationship, when she looked at my reddit history and found some NSFW links that I had clicked on. I can't remember exactly, but for context I'm pretty sure they were some pretty softcore pornstar stuff. We live together, so after a couple of days of feeling pretty distanced, I asked her whats up and if anything was wrong. She asked "If I looked at porn." Me being not very smart, lied and said "Oh about six or so months ago, why?" She said "Do you pinky swear?" We were lying in bed, she was looking at me earnestly, and for reasons that still escape me I lied and said that I pinky swore. It sounds pretty silly, but we've always teased and joked, but a pinky swear was serious - it was something that you never broke. A window of honesty, always. Or at least thats what it was supposed to be. I probably also see some sort of pornography at least once a week, which is the terrible part. She broke down crying, and told me what she had done, and that she was sorry but it was open and she was curious, and that she knew what I had seen. At first what was going on didn't even register. Had I looked at porn recently? I thought - I hadn't seen a video in awhile, I don't remember, then it came back that I had clicked on a couple links in a row, which is what she had seen. I knew I was lying, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I didn't even count what I saw as porn, which is probably pretty bad. So she was very upset, that I had lied, and I thought that was perfectly acceptable. I apologized and swore I would never break another pinky swear, it would always be a window of honesty. Then we got down the nitty gritty, which is that she was not okay with me looking at porn. Porn is something I've taken for granted for a long period of time, when I'm bored, and alone, I usually masturbate, usually with some sort of porn. We had never had this conversation before, but I assumed she knew that occasionally I would. I guess assuming makes an ass out of you and me. I saw how upset she was, and I obviously value the relationship more than pornography, so I said I wouldn't look at any in the future, and then when I masturbated I would just use my imagination. I thought that would be the end of it. The real issue for her, I learned today, was that I was finding other girls attractive. I was taken a back, of course I find woman attractive, why wouldn't I? In my mind, I love her, and I also am attracted to her, so why does it matter? Keeping with the course of honesty, she asked if I ever imagined another girl naked. I said sure, sometimes. She got really upset, even saying that she didn't want to be with me anymore. I was flabbergasted, was this really a deal breaker? Didn't everyone do this at some point in time, happily in a relationship or not? According to her, "when your with someone, other people shouldn't matter. Thats the whole point of a relationship, giving yourself to another person wholly. If you're imagining other people naked, its not whole, if you're finding other people attractive, something isn't right." I responded with, just because I find other people attractive, doesn't mean I find you any less attractive or love you any less. She responded with "Oh, so is it okay with I go make out with a guy or a guy? I mean, it doesn't change how I feel about you, or make me love you any less." I didn't really have an answer, despite not agreeing with her. I just felt in my gut that it wasn't okay, that was cheating, infidelity, you were doing something with another person, that had to be different, right? She followed with "So why is it a problem if I go to the bar and talk to guys, even though you know I'd never do anything with any of them, but its okay that you find girls attractive and are imagining what they look like naked?" As some backstory, the problem I have is that when she goes to the bar, even if I'm there, some guy always gets her number. She simply cannot say no, is her excuse, she was raised to be polite, she says. It bothers my to no end, just watching someone hit on her as she doesn't make any effort to say we are together or that she isn't interested. I shouldn't say all the time, but most of the time they end up getting her number. The last time she told me to meet her at the bar with some friends, so I show up and there are these two guys, and 4 hours go by of them touching her and grazing her, talking her up, whispering in her ear, right in front of me, before one of them asks "Hey, is that your girlfriend?" I say yup, they get mad that they were let on, my girlfriend says she was just being friendly. I go confront one of the guys, looking for a fight, he says look buddy, if I give you your girlfriends number, will you leave me alone. He gives it to me. I leave. What were they supposed to think? I thought. Anyways, thats another issue, thats being solved. From her point of view, "I'm not attracted to anyone, because I'm with you. I mean I notice people, but I would never think of doing anything with them, dating them, imagining them naked, or anything like that" Shes never masturbated herself, or looked at any type of pornography either. So basically my TL;DR question is this - Is porn cheating? Is finding other girls attractive in a relationship bad? If people are in love, do other people cease to matter, like my girlfriend says, even just purely sight wise? Am I not in love? Is something wrong with me? I want this to work, this same conversation has come up a couple times now. Every time its really bad, people cry, I cry, I'm sad and confused. Shes angry and upset. Any input is appreciated, thanks. EDIT: I originally posted this on this thread on Reddit - /r/relationships/comments/3gk9lm/is_porn_cheating_and_other_questions_by_me_21_m/ I quickly realized that I probably wanted a broader array of comments, so I came here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 4 hours go by of them touching her and grazing her, talking her up, whispering in her ear, right in front of me this and GIVING THEM HER NUMBER is being polite and friendly?! But masturbating is cheating? This one has no use of a relationship. Maybe a psychiatric evaluation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ButterflyWrists Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Porn is not cheating. Getting attention from guys and giving out your number is crossing relationship boundaries, especially if the guys are unaware she's in a relationship. So she is in the wrong not you. Ps it is perfectly acceptable to find other people attractive whilst in a relationship as long as you don't try getting in their pants. No idea what planet she's from if she thinks her behaviour is acceptable and you imagining random people when you masturbate isn't. Although I'd rather not consciously know if my boyfriend is getting off to other people out doesn't make it wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You're going to find other people attractive. You can care deeply about someone, be in love with them, want to spend the rest of your life with them, and when a person you find attractive walks by, you're going to look. You're human. This: "when your with someone, other people shouldn't matter. Thats the whole point of a relationship, giving yourself to another person wholly. If you're imagining other people naked, its not whole, if you're finding other people attractive, something isn't right." is completely unreasonable and sounds as if it's grounded in deep, deep insecurity, which makes her want to control you. Which brings me to my next point: the porn thing. I don't know about you or others here, but it's always really rubbed me the wrong way when partners try to police each other's alone time. If a partner tried to tell me what I could and could not get off to in my own time, I'd tell them where to stick it. That smacks of someone trying to take my sense of self away. As long as you aren't being a jerk about it and obviously checking other girls out in front of her, or saying "Your friend so and so is really hot" or stuff like that, you're allowed to find other people attractive. And if you want to look at porn when you're having alone time, you're allowed to do that too, and it's not cheating, unless there's a chance you'll meet one of the girls IRL or unless you're looking for raunchy FB pics from girls you know IRL. What you aren't allowed to do in a relationship, however, is chat up people of the opposite sex at bars and give them your number, without once copping to the fact that you're in a relationship. Your girlfriend sounds very immature and very insecure. I think you've got a tough road ahead of you, my friend. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucia Amman Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I love porn! So anyone having a problem with it is beyond me. There are some very female friendly porn out there, maybe she can try to watch it (together with you? Alone? Doesn't matter). It might help her understand why you like to watch it. But that's not yet something she can do, she sounds too insecure. Guys hitting on her... I would be angry. Porn is fine, having no boundaries with other people in a bar or a club is something else entirely. She sounds like she is mixing it up completely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sentiententity Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Sounds like an insecure, jealous, control freak with a revenge-prone personality. I had an ex like that. I predict she will stress you out to no end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indea08 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Okay, I obviously cannot know if this is how the situation is for her, but I'll explain how it was for me. When I was in college, I dated the same guy for about 2 years. When I was with him, porn bothered me. Another attractive girl walking by would give me a pit in my stomach. I refused to watch any movies that had any nudity. I knew it wasn't normal and I hated it. At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME. I've had a few long relationships since him (6 months or longer) and porn, women, nudity didn't bother me with any of them. I like porn myself now, and when I started dating the guy I'm with now, I asked him if he liked porn. He was all shy and hesitant and said "yeah, maybe." And I said "cool! Would you ever watch it with me?" He was shocked that not only was I not mad, but I was into it lol. My point is, with the first guy, he made me feel like all those things were competition. Just the way he would visibly enjoy it or make inappropriate comments...it made it feel not okay. My boyfriend now seems to care less if there's on TV, usually because he's wrapped around me. He asks to film US together because he wants to have that to use instead of porn sometimes. He makes me feel like he doesn't have that extra interest invested, porn is just there to serve its one purpose and then it's cast aside. Ps. It would definitely help her if she were to try masturbating and try watching porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 OP, it sounds to me like your girl is trying to find something about YOU, to justify her extremely poor behavior. If anything YOU need to let her go... this and GIVING THEM HER NUMBER is being polite and friendly?! But masturbating is cheating? This one has no use of a relationship. Maybe a psychiatric evaluation. Agreed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
relevart Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 To be honest, it doesn't matter if we think porn is cheating or if you think it is or not. It matters that your girlfriend for some reason thinks it is. And for the sake of my reply, I'm not even touching the whole bar scene with her. The conversation with her about the porn links should have told you one thing -- that you're incompatible. You are a good guy for thinking, "hey, porn is not worth losing this relationship over" but she took it to a whole 'nother level with the finding other girls attractive thing. I can tell you know this alone will mean your relationship will almost certainly not work out. I hate to be blunt, but I've lived and learned and if in the future I have this conversation with a woman, I'd be getting my things up and heading for the door. (Well, unless I was at my place,) Add in the "oh, I'm just being polite giving random dudes that I've talked to for hours and hours at a bar my number" thing and tis relationship is a hot mess. You seem like a nice guy. Don't be a pushover for this wackjob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAbandoned Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 As some backstory, the problem I have is that when she goes to the bar, even if I'm there, some guy always gets her number. She simply cannot say no, is her excuse, she was raised to be polite, she says. It bothers my to no end, just watching someone hit on her as she doesn't make any effort to say we are together or that she isn't interested.[/i] I had the same issue with my ex. One time at work (we worked together) this one guy gave her his number and got her FB name, right in front of me. She never said anything about having a boyfriend to him. I was severely pissed about that and called her on it. Her excuse was she didn't handle situations like that very well. Well, 3 months ago she moved in with another guy (after 5 years with me) and is now pregnant with his kid. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose. I should have ended it right there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 s porn cheating? That is a matter of opinion. And, if a woman has that opinion, chances are it is not going to change (DO NOT bother trying to defend it... that will just cause even more problems). So, you either need to be willing to acquiesce and quit, be DAMN good at being discrete about it, or dump her for someone that doesn't care. Is finding other girls attractive in a relationship bad? No, but you don't have to broadcast it, and probably shouldn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottieflanogon Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I don't consider it cheating but I would be offending if I caught them watching porn and I was in the mood. It's kinda like saying "I'd rather watch the movie than actually do it with you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 If my girl has a normal libido and I can see her at least twice a week, I swear to give up my sleazy sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Porn is cheating if you two agree it's cheating. I used to be 100% against it in a relationship, but nowadays, I'd never dream of trying to ban it. I don't think my current girlfriend watches it, but it wouldn't bother me if she did. But I don't think expecting your partner not to look at other people naked is the most unreasonable boundary you can set. You simply need to find someone who's OK with that. That said, there's a difference between porn/masturbating and intimacy. Sometimes people are in the mood for the former, sometimes they're in the mood for the latter. It's not a personal dig at the partner if the man or woman simply wants to get a quick orgasm out of their system to an outlandishly kinky video. It simply is what it is. No one person will ever fulfill all of their partner's sexual desires-- nor would you probably want to if you could see what goes on deep in that brain of theirs. But simply as general relationship advice goes, the sooner you stop taking porn personally, the better you'll be for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.