Radiate21 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's been 4 months since my ex dumped me, and I still obsess over him almost every day. It's been just over a month since we last spoke, when he told me that he wants to get back together after more time has passed and after he's gotten the chance to date other people. I got really angry at him and told him he can't use me as a backup and we ended on really bad terms. He's coming back into town in 2 days for the school year (we go to college together) and I'm terrified about running into him all the time. I'm humiliated about the way I acted and I'm really embarrassed to face him (I called him a ton of times because he wouldn't answer, and then left a seething voicemail). I have NO idea how I'm going to handle this whole school year with him popping up everywhere. I also haven't been able to bring him down from the massive pedestal that I've built him, no matter how hard I try. There are so many ideas about dating and men that are perpetuated everywhere I turn about how good guys are so hard to find, and those messages that I'm constantly being fed are KILLING my healing process. I'm constantly being reminded of how incredible of a guy I lost and I start freaking out about never being with someone as incredible as him again. I wish that I could be more optimistic about finding another sweet, loyal, funny, faithful, motivated guy with integrity and admirable morals. I'm feeling like he was the best I'll ever do, and that's making this experience of heartbreak so much more difficult. I love him and admire him so much, and can't imagine ever being with someone who I admire as much as him. What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Why did he dump you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radiate21 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Why did he dump you? I started to get insecure about him meeting someone else. He didn't communicate his concerns about our relationship to me in a constructive way. He let things build up inside and wouldn't hint at being discontented until he would say something like "I think we should break up because yada yada." I usually talked him out of it, until the last time. Him not knowing how to be completely straightforward about our issues made me even more insecure, so it turned into a really bad vicious cycle that completely crashed on itself. It was both of our faults, but I was willing to work through all of our issues and he wasn't. I don't care that he had trouble with communication. I was his first girlfriend and I was the closest friend he had ever had, so I expected him to have some trouble with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 If you have poor communication, it won't work. "I was his first girlfriend and I was the closest friend he had ever had, so I expected him to have some trouble with it." You are making excuses for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 That sounds like wanted to dump you again and again and you pleaded to work on the relationship. When someone is that uninterested in you and constantly has 1.75 foot out the door-- give the remaining 0.25 a push and latch that door two or three times to be sure he keeps walking. I'm not sure I understand the sentence I started to get insecure about him meeting someone else. If it means he was seeing someone else then, duh, let her keep this charity case. If it means he wasn't but you were always fearing he would, then why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel so insecure? And if anyone can make you feel insecure, then take some time to build your confidence and independence back before you hook up with someone else. All in all it sounds like a poor relationship- I can't imagine having to force someone repeatedly to reconsider their break-up plan. How will you feel being with someone who acted like they didn't want to be with you in the first place, and then really did you in by suggesting you steep on the backburner until they've gotten sufficient booty? sweet, loyal, funny, faithful, motivated guy with integrity and admirable morals. You're kidding, right? How was he faithful and loyal? He's out there exploring other options and has the nerve to suggest you wait until he's satieted. Where are the morals of a man who needs you to wait while he screws around? Are they hiding in some chick's underpants perhaps? Where is the integrity of a person who refuses to communicate honestly and needs to be begged? Funny? Did you laugh any of the times he wanted to walk out on you? Well I certainly hope you laughed to his face when he suggested you wait until he's returned from his booty hunt. He is motivated- to pursue as many options as he gets and to keep his freedom from comitting to you. And what's this talk of needing to find a great guy? At your age, there's singles fun aplenty just waiting to be had! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 ""When someone is that uninterested in you and constantly has 1.75 foot out the door-- give the remaining 0.25 a push and latch that door two or three times to be sure he keeps walking."" EXACTLY!!!! Life's too short to keep trying to "convince" someone your worth sticking around for. If they want out, give them the shove they need! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I don't think you should ignore him or anything like that. Time has passed and your best bet is to be friendly and civil. Don't stare at him with hearts in your eyes, just act normal. It will make both your lives easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toby17 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 he told me that he wants to get back together after ... he's gotten the chance to date other people. Did you hear what he said?!? He's wants to sleep with other people and after he's gotten it out of his system, he wants to come back to the idiot who'll take him back. A real peach! I got really angry at him and told him he can't use me as a backup and we ended on really bad terms. You should have gotten angry. He's coming back into town in 2 days for the school year (we go to college together) and I'm terrified about running into him all the time. I'm humiliated about the way I acted and I'm really embarrassed to face him (I called him a ton of times because he wouldn't answer, and then left a seething voicemail). I have NO idea how I'm going to handle this whole school year with him popping up everywhere. That's tough. But it's a whole school. Some people have to see their ex in the same office daily. What does he major in? Can you avoid that school/faculty? When does he like to take classes? Can you avoid those times? By all means, if you find that yourself in any of the same classes, drop them! I'm constantly being reminded of how incredible of a guy I lost You've got to be kidding - he's a cad. And if I could swear on eNA, I'd really tell you what I think about him. That guy you love is gone. That's who he is at the beginning of a relationship. But you need to accept that he's not coming back or at least not to you. You've been conned. You can be the kind of person who moves on, or you can be the kind of person who spends the rest of their life dwelling on how they were wronged. I love him and admire him so much, and can't imagine ever being with someone who I admire as much as him. You think he's special but I suspect you'll probably put all of your partners up on a pedestal. Sounds like you have self-esteem issues. What do I do? Go to on campus counselling. Keep busy. Read lots to try to explain your feelings until your heart catches up. Start with this: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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