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I didn't really know where to post this. I guess the big thing is directed toward my ex, but with other people in my life also. i am unable to show vulnerability to people. At all.

During my relationship, i (when drinking) would get mean. Say and do awful things. I'd like to point out, I don't have an alcohol problem, I have an emotion problem. When I say drinking, I don't mean getting wasted often, I mean after a few drinks once in a while. When I'm drinking (for lack of a better term) I had the balls to say everything negative that's been on my mind that I had pent up. Things about everyone, but I directed it towards him. Every. Time. I would be so hateful. I didn't even mean the things I said, I would just be so engrossed in the moment and had so much built up inside that I'd explode irrationally.

Ive always apologized afterwards, but my actions didn't change. Today he was totally honest with me and told me that my words are what he could never get over. He tried. But in the end he feels like I hated everything about him and things he likes. That is opposite of the truth, I have a problem being open with my feelings. I just started counseling, but I've only been to 2 sessions so far.

When he told me that, I understood, but it took away any sense of peace that I had following the breakup. I need to forgive myself, but I feel like I need to give him an apology with actions, not words that he'll see as sincere. I don't want it to seem like an attempt at reconciliation, and I don't want to appear as if I've lost my dignity. I just want to show my remorse, then know for myself that I did what I needed to, and can really move on.

I've wronged him, and I know I can't make it right, but I would feel better if I could show that I was sorry.

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I would start by cutting alcohol out of your life. Completely!

People do not simply forget the cruel things one says. I also find it interesting that it was all directed at him.

I think he's had enough. Why don't you use your new found knowledge and apply it to a new partner, this is after you have had sufficient counseling.

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If the damage you caused was hurtful words because of your fear of being vulnerable, then it's likely the only way to really apologize is to find the courage to be vulnerable. That is what will show the people you've hurt that you're truly sorry for what you did/said.

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As you two are no longer together, this might have to be one of those tough lessons where you find peace of mind by not doing this in future relationships.

 

I got to a point with my last girlfriend where I honestly felt like she didn't think much of me, have much respect for me, or really even like me in general. She wouldn't say MEAN things, but her nitpicking, criticisms, and dwelling on the past all came together to leave me with this sense that the person who was supposed to be closest to me didn't even really like me. She was also emotionally cold, and would show her appreciation or guilt by doing nice gestures. I would always appreciate them, but after a while, even those weren't enough to distract me from that nagging feeling that it was only a matter of time before she returned to the behavior I described above.

 

Even now, I would find it hard to be genuine friends with her, because I still don't think she respects me all that much, and I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather just cut those people out than make any room for them.

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@holly yes, it was directed towards him, because I let myself get closer to him than other people. I know he's had enough. I know he's not looking for anything now, I would just feel better myself to do something. Cutting alcohol out isn't a problem for me, I haven't had but a few drinks since we broke up, all in group settings. But like I said alcohol wasn't the issue, and I want to deal with the underlying problem.

@ tmifune I don't know how to do that. I mean, I have the right intentions, that I'm sure of. I just don't know how to put it into action that it's viewed as sincere and meaningful. I don't want people to look back and think "oh, she was a cold b****" because what I did and said wasn't even true or reflect how I really felt. If they look back and think that we weren't compatible in a relationship or friendship that's fine, it happens. That's been the case for me on different levels before. I just don't want it to be because I didn't let "me show through" and their perception of me was that I was selfish and didn't care.

@blanco, we're still living together for a couple more weeks. I don't expect him to make room for me, I don't really have any expectations from him at all. I hope we can be friendly again someday, but I know that won't be doable in a healthy way for a while. I just want to clear my conscience. Also, like I said, it's not just him, it's a lot of people in my life. He's just the big one on the forefront of my mind all the time. And we genuinely loved each other, but were misunderstood.

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Leave it alone. Right now any form of apology would just be self-serving let time go by and then maybe apologize when it will mean something.

 

You think any form of apology would be self serving? I feel like I need to in order to move on. If I didn't do anything And leave it alone....it's the same as I've always done, which hasn't gotten me far. I'm looking to make a change. Not just with him, but other friendships and relationships in my life.

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You think any form of apology would be self serving? I feel like I need to in order to move on. If I didn't do anything And leave it alone....it's the same as I've always done, which hasn't gotten me far. I'm looking to make a change. Not just with him, but other friendships and relationships in my life.

 

Okay, but you see how this is about you and not the harm done to him. You haven't done enough self reflection and change yet for it truly to be about him and the pain done to him. Go to counseling for about a year and then make that apology and prove to him that you're different.

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You said this side came out when you were drinking. Your words. Cut it out!!

 

It is not the underlying problem, but it contributes.

 

It does come out wile drinking. I've been very honest with my counsellor about the amount and how often. She doesn't feel like the drinking in itself is a big deal. Although, like I said Its not a problem to not at all for me. It's not like this happened daily. It happened every few months over the course of 5 years. It is a fact that it's a contributor of the problem. It's just enough to make me willing to feel vulnerable. I could replace the drinks with a slew of other things, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't express myself without help not feeling exposed. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but it seems like you're more focused on the drinking, being my outlet when it's actually pretty minimal, and I'm looking for an outlet other than that, I don't want to only be able I tell someone that I like them, I think they did something cool, that I'm upset with them without anything to get me there. When I haven't had anything to drink in weeks, I still can't seem to put my feelings out there.

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Leave the guy alone.

 

Get the treatment you need, and maybe revisit down the road.

I am leaving him alone. I don't speak to him unless it's about something necessary (since we're still living together and have responsibilities together) ive only seen him for about 1 hour combined over the last 2 weeks. We've maybe exchanged about 8 texts. I am getting the treatment I need, and plan to continue to do so, it's just early in the game for me and I felt like I needed to talk here too.

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Until you can put your feelings out there, until you can be vulnerable, just keep going to therapy and discussing it with your therapist.

 

When you have a better understanding of yourself, and when you have trust that it's safe for you to be vulnerable, then you can consider apologizing.

 

What you're trying to do is kinda take the easy way out. The guilt and frustration you feel is what will drive you to do the work necessary to heal yourself. You think apologizing will end some of your pain, but it won't. It won't because you're not yet in a position to apologize with the type of authenticity that you really need, the honesty and vulnerability that will maybe close the book on you healing this particular thing. If you try to close the book without reading all the pages, you won't get the benefit of any of the knowledge that's inside the book.

 

You're on the hard road now....the easy ways out really only cheat you. Keep going to therapy, talk to your therapist. Heal yourself, and you'll know when you're ready to apologize authentically.

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Leave the guy alone.

 

Get the treatment you need, and maybe revisit down the road.

I am leaving him alone. I don't speak to him unless it's about something necessary (since we're still living together and have responsibilities together) ive only seen him for about 1 hour combined over the last 2 weeks. We've maybe exchanged about 8 texts. I am getting the treatment I need, and plan to continue to do so, it's just early in the game for me and I felt like I needed to talk here too.

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Thank you, that makes sense. It's just hard for me to imagine that an apology months out is worth anything to someone. I'm sure it does. I don't want to take the easy way out, I just feel like I owe him something worthwhile. I'm upset about the breakup, but knowing how bad I've hurt him is worse. I feel like doing nothing in the mean time is a slap in the face to him. I know therapy takes time, and it will be a bit before I understand, but I just need to conquer the urge to fix it now, because I know I can't.

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Thank you, that makes sense. It's just hard for me to imagine that an apology months out is worth anything to someone. I'm sure it does. I don't want to take the easy way out, I just feel like I owe him something worthwhile. I'm upset about the breakup, but knowing how bad I've hurt him is worse. I feel like doing nothing in the mean time is a slap in the face to him. I know therapy takes time, and it will be a bit before I understand, but I just need to conquer the urge to fix it now, because I know I can't.

 

What you need to understand is the urge to fix it now it's about you and not about him.

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It is. I just feel so guilty. I don't disagree that this is self beneficial also. How do I start to move on when I have so much pain and guilt tied up in letting him know that. I need to move forward for myself and for his sake. I still love him, and I understand that the kindest thing right now is to leave asap and to allow him to move forward without empty words that he won't believe.

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So, I should do nothing for the next couple of weeks? Just act as if my life is wonderful when I do see him? That feels rude to me. I understand what you guys are saying, that I need to fully understand and mean my apology, and that might take a while. But until then, while we still see each other, I shouldn't say anything more than casual pleasantries? Because that's what I've always done, pretend like things didn't matter. That was his complaint. I am leaving as soon as I can...it's just not right now today.

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Right now, we have extremely limited contact, what can I do to help me move on until the actual move when I can go full no contact? I have all this guilt and right now I can't seem to see past it. I feel like I have so much to say to him, things that I've always felt, but didn't say. I haven't, I've left him alone. But I need to work on myself and I don't really know where to start.

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Right now, we have extremely limited contact, what can I do to help me move on until the actual move when I can go full no contact? I have all this guilt and right now I can't seem to see past it. I feel like I have so much to say to him, things that I've always felt, but didn't say. I haven't, I've left him alone. But I need to work on myself and I don't really know where to start.

 

These are all things to explore with your therapist, not with him.

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