Should I give guys a chance when the initial attraction isn't there?

[Dottieflanogon]

I just turned 30 a month ago and I feel like my biological clock is ticking.

 

I have been single for almost 2 years now .

 

The problem is,I seem to have that misfortunate of one-sided affairs.

 

I have had few guys from work who asked me out but I didn't feel the same way...I felt nothing for them.

 

As matter of fact, one of them told me recently that he's still intrested and that he will wait for me.He seems like a decent guy but I feel nothing for him....no attraction.

,sparks or fire works.

 

I now find myself avoiding him .

 

I often see him at the gym as well and he always come to use machine beside mine.

 

I now go to a gym different location

 

I also get approched outside work

Most of the man are much older and no attraction .....where I can't picture myself making out with them

 

On the other hand, I had a big crush on someone else at work.

 

My heart would race everytime I saw him

I found myself looking forward to go to work to see him

 

I would have dreams about him

 

He was cute and funny

 

Unfortunately, he didn't reciprocate.

 

I assume he didn't reciprocate since he never asked me out or for my number. Then again, I found out from third party that he has a girlfriend.

 

I just find it hard to meet some that I have a mutual attraction with...who is moreover single

 

I am not looking for a male model with a six pack or a multi-millionare.I just want that amazing chemistry and that adrenelne rush with a man.

 

Does anyone have the same problem?

 

Should I give the ones that does nothing for me a chance and is if someone develops?

[mhowe]

No, that would be a waste of both of your time.

[j.man]

Nope, you shouldn't.

 

But that bear in your avatar scares the **** outta me.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

This may be just me, but I'm really into personalities. Obviously there needs to be a certain level of attraction, but for the most part if a guy has shown interest in me, I at least talk to him and try to get to know him a little. I show no clear intentions of wanting a relationship, just express interest in getting to know him. It's worth a shot in my opinion, and if it doesn't work out then you could make it clear.

[TMifune]

The way you pine after a guy who's uninterested and actively avoid a guy who is interested but doesn't sound like he's made any effort to push you makes me think you're self-sabotaging a little. Like you only like guys who are unavailable because you're afraid you might actually get one or something.

 

I have a whole lecture prepared on how what people call "chemistry" is bullcrap and will only lead you to getting in too deep with someone that's not right for you, but for now I just have one question:

 

What would be the harm of telling the guy from work that you're not sure you're interested but you'd be willing to get dinner or go to the park or something with him? I mean if you go to the county fair together once it's not like you're signing up to have his kids or something, it's only a date.

[Dottieflanogon]

I would give him a chance but I am weary of dating co workers.

 

I just don't want to put myself into that position of turning him down if my fealings doesn't change.I just don't want to make things awkward or cause tension at work

 

I don't want him to give him false hope

 

On the other hand, if my crush made a move, I would have jumped at the chance despite being co workers.

 

So that tells you that, I am just not into this guy

[ParisPaulette]

Nope, just keep looking. You have to sort through a ton of sludge sometimes to find that gold. Keep looking and keep turning those who you feel no interest in away.

[TMifune]

Nope, just keep looking. You have to sort through a ton of sludge sometimes to find that gold. Keep looking and keep turning those who you feel no interest in away.

 

The work guy's not "sludge" just because he doesn't set off the fireworks.

[TMifune]

I would give him a chance but I am weary of dating co workers.

 

I just don't want to put myself into that position of turning him down if my fealings doesn't change.I just don't want to make things awkward or cause tension at work

 

I don't want him to give him false hope

 

On the other hand, if my crush made a move, I would have jumped at the chance despite being co workers.

 

So that tells you that, I am just not into this guy

 

I'm weary of dating coworkers too.....it can get super complicated super fast.

 

Definitely don't date the guy if you don't want to, but it sure sounds like you're largely attracted to what you can't have and not attracted to whatever you think is attainable.

 

If you're dissatisfied it just seems silly to say "keep waiting" and it'll happen. You've been waiting. Maybe it's time to try something different.

[force]

My thoughts are if you find this guy attractive even just a tiny bit go out with him, just for drinks. Why? Like TMifune said it's just a date and your not signing up for anything permanent. Also, if you find this guy even the teeniest bit attractive you could find him more attractive after you go out with him. It happened to me. I went out with someone whom I wasn't interested in AT ALL even though she was an attractive person I just did not see her in that way at all but I went out and after the 1st date I started to look at her slightly different then after the 2nd date I was feeling it more and more until I was flat out infatuated by the 3rd date. Our relationship didn't last unfortunately but I was so glad I made myself go out at least to see. So you never know what will happen...just remember you don't have to be his girlfriend after you go out.

[missmarple]

First of all, I wouldn't date a co worker...too much potential for problems there. Apart from that, I would go out with a guy who asked me if I thought he was a nice guy and we had something to talk about. I don't consider it necessary to feel instant attraction to someone to go out with them because my best relationships have been with guys I was first friends with. As long as you don't mislead a guy and he knows you're only going out to get to know each other and not because you're already attracted to them, I don't see why you shouldn't give them a chance. Attraction sometimes builds slowly.

[Capricorn3]

As matter of fact, one of them told me recently that he's still intrested and that he will wait for me.He seems like a decent guy but I feel nothing for him....no attraction.,sparks or fire works.

 

Should I give guys a chance when the initial attraction isn't there?

This reminds me of my husband, lol. He "chased" me for almost 20 months. I turned him down every time. I didn't feel the same attraction etc etc. Then one day I decided to finally just give the poor guy a chance and the next time he asked me out I said yes. Been together ever since (and that's longer than you've been alive, lol).

 

So in a nutshell, sometimes giving a guy a chance when there is no initial attraction can work.

[ParisPaulette]

The work guy's not "sludge" just because he doesn't set off the fireworks

 

I actually wasn't talking so much about the work guy.I was referring to the older men she mentioned that hit on her on the street and such. It's a figure of speech although yeah I can see how I could've worded that better. Or I could use the whole kiss a lot of toads to get to the handsome prince, but personally I hate sanitized Disney fare and think that's a terrible analogy.

 

Regardless OP, you need to take each guy you meet based on his own merit. But don't be getting with someone simply because your biological clock is ticking and I'm going to tell you right now from hard-won experience dating coworkers is a terrible idea. Plus I think there's possibly other reasons you don't date the one coworker.

 

As matter of fact, one of them told me recently that he's still intrested and that he will wait for me.He seems like a decent guy but I feel nothing for him....no attraction. ,sparks or fire works. I now find myself avoiding him. I often see him at the gym as well and he always come to use machine beside mine. I now go to a gym different location

 

The fact that you're actively avoiding this one guy though is something to pay attention to, why is that? I mean, when I was single I only avoided the guys who set off some sort of alarm bells or that I actually kind of disliked. If they were nice and friendly and seemed like good people I went out with them if they asked me. I do think it's odd he told you he'd "wait for you." What's up with that? That would personally put me off. And yes being a coworker, again just a really bad idea, because when things go wrong with a coworker it's not like you can say, "Well, I never have to see them again." They're right there in your work space day after day.

 

Anyways it's not that unusual to go through dry spells. Maybe expand your external activities into a hobby or meetup groups or take classes in something, so you're meeting people outside of your normal social circles. Sometimes it takes pushing yourself into trying something new if the usual isn't working.

[catfeeder]

I would not push myself past my own reservations about a co-worker. My decision might be different with a guy outside of work. The coworker's interest is already creeping you out--in a place where you need to relax from social stuff and focus on your job.

 

I'd quit that idea, and I'd either meet people organically or through online dating. I wouldn't go on full dates through online sites, I'd just meet over coffee to check on another out. Then if you're on the fence about someone you can meet for a 'real' date to sway you either way.

[Patrick974]

Your biological clock isnt an issue at 30. And as said before attraction is important. If not the most important... I see you have waited two years and still havent find someone... Ive had longer dry spell even in my 20s... Like a Relationship every three years or so and much emptiness between that. Attraction and love doesnt happen every two weeks, for me at least. Also a coworker is probably not the best option. Maybe try other online or irl ways to meet someone interesting and with whom you match.

[Sportster2005]

I'm always interested in this question, and it comes a lot. There has to be some middle ground.

 

How many times we hear people throw caution to the wind when they meet someone who has 'amazing chemistry'. Which, like it or not, is mostly lust. It's just not romantic to refer to it that way. So we dress it up, and disguise it as romance. I still like to feel that chemistry when I meet someone. But I'm not foolish enough to pretend it's anything more than a hormonal reaction. That's why it's called chemistry.

 

And conversely people will date someone who is 'great on paper', but there's not a smidgen of attraction. These relationships have a best before date. Unless one party benefits greatly in the relationship. Usually financially.

 

I'm painting a black and white picture here. And it's not that simple. You can genuinely be attracted to someone on a deeper level than a sexual one, when you first meet. I would like to think I'm able to discern which of my heads is actually doing the thinking for me at any given time. The reality is, it hasn't always been this way. When I hear people emphasize chemistry, I think, right or wrong, they are being unrealistic and looking for the wrong

 

I've heard countless tales of people who don't initially click, but later fall deeply in love after getting to know one another. This only happened to me once. I didn't think I would ever be attracted to a buddy of mine. We hanged around a lot. And then one night I found myself tongue wrestling with her. It never went anywhere.

 

My point is OP, there is no one correct answer. There might be a middle ground approach. If you meet someone who seems decent, date them, see what happens. That's why we date. As long as you're upfront. Who knows? Never rush. On the other hand don't take six months out of your life to see if a spark develops. As with most things in life, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

[Dottieflanogon]

Thank you everyone for your answers and insights.I also have another question ...instead of starting a new thread I am going to update here

 

What is your opinion on online dating?

 

I created a profile on "Plenty of Fish" a while back but I was intending to use it.I haven't uploaded my pics yet.

 

I am contemplating to give it a try even though I prefer to meet someone in person.

 

One of my friends tried it but she gave up on it....and now call it plenty of freaks lol

 

Has anyone had success with online dating?

[Patrick974]

Yes. I know I did a couple times. About Pof at least its free. It has decent settings features and should fit you if you dont want to spend $30 every month with paid sites.

Another free site is Okcupid.

[TessaLynn5]

My grandma always told me an amazing life long love sometimes starts small and grows into something big and meaningful. And to be ware bc some of the biggest heartbreaks start with fallings hard fast and letting big emotions cloud your better judgment. Sometimes it's better to let someone good time to grow on you. You might be pleasantly surprised.

[Lucia Amman]

I don't really like how guys look... I have never thought of any man just based on his looks to be attractive. I think girls are attractive but unfortunately I'm not gay. When I focus on men it's hardly about how they look or if I'm finding them attractive. Sure, I do see if they are about average looking, hot or ehm 'ugly'. But it doesn't really matter to me. I've dated men that were very overweight, short, long, feminine looking, brown haired, blond haired etc

 

There's always something else that drives my attention towards them. Mostly the way they talk, the way they act in public, their body language and tone of voice. I still know moments of some of my ex boyfriends, moments when i suddenly fell for them.

 

The best (example) probably was an Internet date I once had. I did a background check and this guy was a golden ticket of guys. I was very anxious and excited to meet him. Until I saw him walking towards me. He was an attractive guy, no doubt, but his body language; the way he walked, how he smiled, how he talked!!! It all irritated me and made him so unattractive to me! And that was just in the first minute of meeting him. He drove over one hour to meet me so we still had at least two hours to talk to each other. I tried to give it the best change. He was a true gentleman and made great conversation, never stopped talking but let me talk plenty too. He acted very interested and was very sweet as well. After three hours I begin to like this guy. The attraction grew very slowly but steady.

 

We had a short dating period. It turned out he was way too busy, sadly enough. But point was: I don't think initial attraction is important at all. It might help though if the guy is at least decent looking.

 

I've loved plenty of guys who I didn't feel attracted to right away. What about friends who suddenly fall in love with each other after years? Kinda the same thing I think.

[catfeeder]

What is your opinion on online dating?

 

It's pretty commonly used for speed dating rather than setting yourself up for a long date with someone you can tell within 5 minutes does not interest you.

 

Consider using a site as a screening device to set up short coffee meetings to check one another out. In other words, use the initial meeting as another way of screening. Don't invest in too much messaging beforehand--that's fantasy building and isn't productive.

 

Keep meetings short, 15 or 20 minutes. Neither should ask the other for a real date on the spot, but if either is attracted they can follow up to do that. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if the answer is no, then no response is necessary. This removes the ugly rejection stuff even while you can set up other meets to keep you focused on initial impressions rather than obsessing about any one guy.

 

I'll be honest, this is for people who are really invested in finding what they want from someone, because it can be exhausting. I'd do it in short cycles rather than trying to meet everyone you can.

 

I'd consider it a means to screen out wrong matches rather than investing in trying to convert wrong matches into right ones. That's a waste of time--and if you value your time, why spend too much of it with anyone you're not enjoying?

 

I'd also consider the free sites as 'practice' to learn how to meet people comfortably, and then you can decide if you'll want to invest in a paid subscription site.

 

As for your original question about attraction, pay attention to your gut. If someone turns you off, then they turn you off. Period. If you feel neutral to good about someone, then consider asking him out to get to know him better. If you're not sure, then leave it up to him to contact you to ask for the date.

[ParisPaulette]

I had an okay time with link removed. I stayed off POF, because too many exes were on there. LOL But I never really met anyone long-term through online dating, but that's just me. I met every serious relationship through activities and hobbies including meeting my current husband in an art class and my first husband in a hiking group. I did find a few specialty dating websites and tried those out and had a pleasant time, but it was all a bit of a mixed bag.

 

I was always able to relax and engage more when I'd be doing something I really liked and someone would just be there and we'd start talking about our shared experiences and seeing each other regularly. In person I'm kind of shy and that helped draw me out whereas for me online dating always felt awkward. Like I'd just gotten set up by that woman who is my great aunt's best friend who has this cousin who knows a guy who knows a guy who is looking...

 

But that's just me and my experience. I had another friend who just killed it on POF and a few other dating sites. She was like a homecoming queen on there and met her serious boyfriend on there too. So I say go for it. And check out link removed and if you have a hobby or activity you like check out if there are dating sites where people with those interests or loves go to meet up.

[Patrick974]

I had an okay time with link removed. I stayed off POF, because too many exes were on there. LOL

 

Hear ya. That and close friends, friends, acquaintances and when you live in a small place like me people you've seen on the street. I.e the most paranoids might scream "stalker". Argh.

 

I like it when a site is popular where Im at because an empty site with 3 matches at 30 miles around is lame. But too many people has downs too.

[notalady]

POF is pretty bad, too many people looking for casual and you spend more time filtering through people who are not even close. The pool there is just poor quality I've found.

 

I've always met quality people off OKCupid, had one long term relationship whom I met on there and currently dating one also from there, I think the experience on OKC depends on your location and age.

 

I haven't tried but others on this forum have had good experiences with some of the paid sites like link removed and eHarmony.

[Sportster2005]

I've been doing OLD for about eight years on and off. It's only lead to one relationship. And that didn't last long. I've tried POF and Match. I find Match better for quality, but not quality. I've met some good women, and some losers.

 

The only girlfriend I've really had, for nine months, I met in real life.

 

The two women I've met that I really, really liked and tried hard to pursue and capture I've met in real life.

 

OLD can be frustrating and a real time bandit. Meet quickly. Don't tolerate any foolishness at all. If you get mixed signals move on. If you think you are being played, you probably are. Treat a first meet as a first meet. Not a date.

 

Good luck.