Dipping my toe in the dating pool...

[Batya33]

"But when you dump someone, that person can no longer share in your successes with you. Because they are no longer shared successes. Just feels like rubbing it in my face."

 

I don't agree with that in every case and especially since you reached out to him. I also think that when you are in a couple not every success is a shared success in the least. My husband has achieved a number of goals since we married and sure I supported him and helped him where I could but they are his successes and it is of course sweet and appreciated when he thanks me/gives me credit if credit is due.

 

I am very sorry you're hurting and I hope that since you realize you still have feelings for him that you will keep your distance from now on.

[AmelieM]

Yeah, I don't mean that I ever had anything to do with his career successes. I just mean that hearing about them when we aren't together is not the same as celebrating them when we were. His success before meant paving the way for our life together. His success now means paving the way for his life without me.

 

But I keep telling myself, "being sad over this does nothing to change the outcome." That's been helping me.

[AmelieM]

In other news (because I could really stand to think about other things at the moment), I have to vent about Mitch. Mitch is the guy who I thought I could date casually - the guy who was late ALL the time. Last I saw him, we had dinner early last week. After dinner, he texted and apologized for being so distant during dinner, and he hopes he can see me again soon. I replied saying no worries, maybe we can hang out the following weekend.

 

Well I texted him on Saturday, asking if his week calmed down, and seeing what he was up to. I got no reply. Then he texted me on Tuesday apologizing for being "avoidant" and saying "I've just needed a lot of me time lately." Well that's all well and good, but ignoring someone's texts because of said me time is just downright rude. He asked if I wanted to go to a game with him. I declined, said I had plans (which I did, I was seeing a movie with a friend). Then he texted again today, very early in the morning, saying he hopes I had a good time with my friend, and sending an article he thought I'd be interested in. I just ignored it.

 

Honestly I wasn't looking for anything serious with him. But I also don't want to be disrespected. And I think the lateness coupled with completely ignoring my texts because he's feeling withdrawn and needs his me-time is pretty rude. So no more Mitch, methinks. I don't care how hot he is

[Dollymix]

re: mitch - you go girl! if someone treats you like this so early on, how about later down the road? dont waste your time finding out sounds like youre going on plenty of dates and meeting new people so this one will be an easy one to move past!

 

regarding your ex - i feel ya, but i also think it's hard to keep contact with an ex. sure, speaking to them during the moment may help ease your heart and mind a bit, but what happens when the call is over? youll feel like like crap (at least that has happened to me!). knowing what and how they're doing in their lives - the fun theyre having, their successes, life changes, can also be disheartening when youre no longer part of them. for me, ignorance is bliss.

 

like they say, no contact is key (until youre over him!). do you think that is plausible for you Amelie? i really think this will help you move on.

[AmelieM]

Right you are, Dollymix! Mitch actually texted again last night asking if he was officially out of strikes. I said yes

 

And yes, agreed on the no contact with my ex as well. I knew it all along, even when I was talking to him, haha. I just sometimes ignore my better instincts and make bad decisions! Temptation is bad news.

 

This roller coaster ride of recovery is VERY tiring, I must say. Yesterday I was in pretty good spirits, thinking that maybe it was actually a GOOD thing for me to have that really bad episode last week. That it really killed my hope and forced me to look forward, and I was very determined to do so. But today I woke up feeling down again. Sigh...this is an exhausting process.

 

There's this new guy, "Nick", that has been pursuing me recently. I met him around a year ago while watching football with a group of friends. At the time I was not single, so I just mentioned I had a bf so he wouldn't get the wrong idea. We hung out in a group setting (a friend's bday) one more time since then. But a couple months ago he asked a mutual friend if I'm single, and the mutual friend said yes, but it's all very new so proceed with caution. He facebooked me and asked me out at that point, but I didn't agree to anything until last week. We are going out this Friday. He seems like a really nice guy, but as usual I plan to move slowly and be very honest about my baggage!

[Lysflower]

Hi Amelie,

 

Your dating journal is an interesting read! Makes me want to start my own, although there is not much to say at this stage. You seem to be doing really well despite the emotional roller coaster, hang in there. And yes, I do think like Dollymix that you should cut all ties with your ex for now as it seems to affect your recovery pace. As I wrote in a thread on the BU forum a couple of months ago, when a BU is still fairly recent it doesn't matter what we hear about our ex, we always (un)consciously choose to interpret the facts and says in the manner that will hurt us the most..

 

Do keep us posted on Nick!

[AmelieM]

Hi Amelie,

 

Your dating journal is an interesting read! Makes me want to start my own, although there is not much to say at this stage. You seem to be doing really well despite the emotional roller coaster, hang in there. And yes, I do think like Dollymix that you should cut all ties with your ex for now as it seems to affect your recovery pace. As I wrote in a thread on the BU forum a couple of months ago, when a BU is still fairly recent it doesn't matter what we hear about our ex, we always (un)consciously choose to interpret the facts and says in the manner that will hurt us the most..

 

Do keep us posted on Nick!

 

Hey there Lysflower, thanks for reading! Yes, you are very right - I'm not able to interpret any contact in a manner that is healthy. It may be a while still before I'm able to do so. The good news is that he seems to be deliberately creating space for this reason. When he called he said he was missing me a lot this past month and wanted to talk to me many times but didn't. For that I'm glad. I was a little worried that I was opening up the door to him by reaching out, but he has been leaving me alone. This week I've done much better at shifting the focus back to myself. Trying not to beat myself up for slipping up last week, and trying not to worry too much about what he's doing (that part is tough!).

[AmelieM]

Sawyer sent a text a couple days ago, saying "Not sure if I'm supposed to be leaving you alone, but just wanted to send you a note to say I'm thinking of you and hope you're doing well." I just replied and said "Thanks, hope all is well with you too". Now that I've had a little space from the situation, I've realized that although I really like him as a person, I really only like him as a friend and I don't see that changing. If he reaches out again I will just tell him this - I don't want him waiting around on me.

 

Mitch sent ANOTHER text last night - this one was weird. He said something like, "You seem to want me to press the issue, but I'm not going to. I understand that it's been hard to pin me down, and I have had so much going on in my life, it must be frustrating for you." I was confused, I thought we had (pleasantly) decided to go our separate ways! I certainly wasn't asking him to pursue me. I was just going to ignore it, but then I read it again and thought he was being pompous like I've just been sitting around pining for his company. So I replied and said, "Not frustrated and not asking you to press anything. And certainly not looking to pin anyone down. All I was trying to say was, 'it was fun hanging out, wish you the best'". He didn't reply after that. Dude needs to get over himself!