Dipping my toe in the dating pool...

[AmelieM]

I enjoy reading the dating journals of others, so I figured maybe I might like doing a little documentation of my own. I've only very recently returned to the dating scene, and at 3 months out of a LTR, I know I'm not ready for anything serious. At least not right away. But a friend told me I'll never feel 100% ready, just get to 80% and as long as I take it slow and keep it casual, no harm no foul. My goals with dating right now are to 1. Help shift my focus toward the present, and maybe eventually the future, rather than the past, and 2. Have fun. So far I think my two objectives are going well.

 

With that in mind, I've had quite a handful of first dates in the last couple weeks.

 

Bachelor #1: (I'll only come up with names for those I'm likely to see again) was nice, but excruciatingly dull. I felt like I was interviewing him. He asked me no questions at all. He was obviously nervous, but I just felt zero attraction to him and can't imagine having to spend any more time with him. Strangely he seemed to think the date went well (I even bought our drinks, what a gentleman!), but I have no idea why. Next!

 

Bachelor #2: He deserves a name. We'll call him Sawyer. We were a 99% match on OKC, and seemed to get along very well. He was cute, and was 10 minutes early to our date (I very much value punctuality!). Our values seem to be aligned very well (he's very socially conscious, which I like), and he seems very intelligent. I like his personality, too. He seemed pretty lighthearted, with a good sense of humor, and very courteous. He was pretty touchy-feely, which I was unsure about (not in a gropy way, just in a touch-your-arm-when-laughing kind of way), but I'm weird and I like my personal space. Drawbacks: I don't know how many common interests we have, and I think he makes significantly less money than I do. I'm not a gold digger by any means, but I'd like someone who can have the same lifestyle as me. I plan to see him again, though, because I do feel the chemistry is there.

 

Bachelor #3: A lawyer, relatively new in town, conversation flowed well, but...he just did not seem straight to me. Thus I was not attracted. I feel bad because he seemed to think the date went great, which it did...if I were looking for a gay best friend. But I already have one of those, so...

 

Bachelor #4: According to said gay best friend, he is the hottest option by far, and the only one I initiated contact with on OKC (I sent him a message first). We had some common interests, and went to see a baseball game together (biggest common interest). However he struck me as kind of a snob, based on some of the comments he was making. Just belittling small town people, bragging about his classically trained musician parents, etc. Date went okay otherwise, but I just felt like he was a bit conceited. He never called again after that.

 

Bachelor #5 - we'll call Mitch. We went out last weekend. However, I got to the agreed upon bar right on time (6pm on the dot), and sent him a text letting him know where I was seated. Only THEN did he reply "Oh shoot! So sorry running late, be there in 15 min!" I thought this was MAJORLY bad form. I am obsessively punctual, and think being on time is a sign of respect. So 1. The fact that he was late at all bothered me, and 2. The fact that he only informed me of his tardiness AFTER he was already late REALLY bothered me. I honestly considered leaving the bar on the spot, but I decided to wait 15 min. I didn't, however, reply to his text, or the one after that said "Almost there!" I was too annoyed. Anyway, we do seem to have a lot in common. Both vegetarian, both have a lot of the same interests. He is very smart, has a good job, and seems down-to-earth when he easily could have plenty to be showy about. But I'm not sure there was much chemistry there. So everything about him seems great EXCEPT the tardiness, and I'm undecided about the chemistry.

[AmelieM]

I didn't want that single post to read like a novella, so continuing on...

 

Bachelor #2, Sawyer, was sick last week, but asked me out this week. He gave three date options (all of them were well thought out and very cute, I thought). I picked a picnic in a park, and we are going out tomorrow. Only thing that gives me qualms: when he asked if I had any food preferences, I told him I was vegetarian. He seemed a little nervous about that, and asked if I was uncomfortable with others eating meat. I told him I'm used to it. But truthfully, I would prefer to date a fellow herbivore. However I realize that among the men I tend to be attracted to (I admit, I tend to go for jock types), that's like finding a pink zebra.

 

Bachelor #5, the Pink Zebra!! aka Mitch. He is both a huge sports fan AND a vegetarian. We are going out again tonight. However he waited until around 4:30 pm to firm up plans, which for me, the obsessive planner, seemed a little inconsiderate. Basically he told me last night that we should go to sporting event X if he can get his work tickets, and he'd let me know today. I said okay, and to keep me posted. But I figured keeping me posted would occur earlier in the day rather than right before I'd be going home. And you can bet I'll be waiting to see if he shows up late again!! But...I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt since he's a pink zebra.

[AmelieM]

Okay, Mitch was late AGAIN. He at least texted me this time to let me know, but he was over half hour late! That is not cool. He admitted that he's really not good with time management, but his excuses are flimsy and I think it's very disrespectful! Anyway, I decided to just go through with the date, and I enjoyed the evening in spite of the rough beginning. He seems a bit intense for me, but maybe the kind of guy I'd be willing to keep around for casual dating, which is exactly what I'm going for right now. We share common interests so we have plenty to talk about, he's pretty dang cute and a good kisser. I just don't feel our personalities would jive long-term. But for a little short-term fun? Maybe just what I need! We ended up staying out super late last night just talking, now I am exhausted. I'm too old for this!

 

I am curious to hear thoughts from the peanut gallery about tardiness on dates. How much would you put up with?

 

Tonight I have my picnic in the park date with Sawyer. Let's hope he's more punctual

[WithLove]

Being late once is forgivable. Twice? Nope. If you're looking to impress a potential date, being late isn't cutting it.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you!

[BigKK]

I think you're still going through the healing process, personally it took me almost 8 months to feel 100% again, and a few random flings and what not.

 

So I am not sure what you're looking for. If you're looking for casual fun and sex I think you can overlook the tardiness otherwise it is what it is. He's going to be late for all of your dates and you can decide whether you want to be okay with that.

 

I am pretty cut throat during the early stage and don't put up with a lot of BS. But everyone is different.

[AmelieM]

Thank you guys for the feedback! Yes, ordinarily I'm with you and it doesn't take much for me to write people off in the early stages. (I once dumped a guy for poor spelling in his texts) But you stated exactly what I'm thinking - I'm still healing, I'm just looking to have a little fun while I do, so he may be the perfect candidate for that. I won't have to worry about us not being on the same page...if he's not treating me as priority #1 then that's just fine! I'm not ready to be someone's other half right now. He's cute, we have fun together, and I see zero long term potential with him. I never thought I'd be in a place where I consider that a bonus, but hey!

 

Sawyer ended up cancelling. He's been sick all week and said was really hoping he'd be better by today but still isn't feeling well. He seemed really worried that I'd consider him flaky, but he seems the total opposite of Mitch. He sent a really nice text apologizing profusely and saying he really really wants to see me again and hates flaking, but just doesn't want to gross me out or make me sick. I thought it was very sweet and considerate. BUT that actually makes me want to tread lightly with this one. Granted we've only been out once, but he definitely seems like someone I'd consider dating longer term. However I know I'm not there yet, and definitely don't want to hurt him if he's seeking something serious out of the gates.

[Dollymix]

Amelie, your dating stories are intriguing! what are the updates?

 

and how are you doing in terms of your ex? i hope things are going better

[AmelieM]

Hey there Dollymix, thanks for asking

 

In terms of the ex - ups and downs as usual. People on these forums are really right about the whole waves thing. Some days I feel great. Others, I miss him a lot (I admit I had more of those days than usual this past week). He reached out a couple times in the last couple weeks too - just random "I heard this song and thought of you" type of crap. But what can you do but dust yourself off and keep going!

 

So...dating updates (much more fun than ex talk)! I did have a few more dates these last few weeks. A quick synopsis:

 

Bachelor #6: a doctor I met on OKC. He seemed like a nice guy, and hey, as someone who likes to self-diagnose fake conditions via WebMD all the time, maybe it would be nice to date a doctor! But there just wasn't much chemistry there. And he let me split the bill - which always leaves me a little conflicted. Yes, I am a feminist, and I can pay my own way. But on the other hand sometimes I like the gesture of the guy paying. I dunno, it bothered me a little for a first date. I think it may be because he's been surrounded by strong women all his life (his mom left his dad when she realized she was a lesbian and he was raised by his mom and her wife from then on). Anyway, we exchanged a few texts afterward, but I don't think there will be a date #2.

 

I finally went out with Sawyer again (my schedule has been crazy this month and really didn't have time for more dates until this past week). We went for drinks on Friday, and he joked that it was probably a world record for time lapsed between date #1 and date #2. It went really well - conversation flowed really easily, and he seems like a really nice genuine guy. Only thing is he seems to be SUPER sensitive - not in an ego way, but in an "in touch with his emotions" way. I was telling a sad story about a friend who had to put her dog down, and he started crying! Not like weeping, but there were definitely tears. It was cute in a way, but I'm not sure whether he may be a touch too sensitive for me (maybe a "beta" male). He also talks a lot about his therapy. He's been in therapy for years (started when his mom died and he got divorced), but I find it a little unusual for someone to be so open about what they discover in their therapy this early on (he talked about it on the first date, too). We went for a third date this past week. Again, it went well, but he might be looking for something serious very quickly. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be in a serious relationship when I'm ready. But I know I'm not ready yet and for now I need to move slowly. If I feel it's moving that direction I will just have a very honest conversation with him that I need to take things slowly (no exclusivity for a while), and if he's not okay with that then I understand.

 

I gave Mitch another shot this week, too (Mr. Perpetually Late). He seems to be the casual option, if I want one. He was texting me random stuff for weeks, but didn't actually ask me out on another date until last weekend. Honestly I wouldn't tolerate any of this behavior (lateness, flakiness) if I were in a different mode. But I am in uncharted territory for now, and might be open to something superficial. We had dinner last night, and while we do have some common interests, the personality chemistry really isn't there. However the physical chemistry with him is off the charts for me (which is very unusual, normally if personality chemistry is not there I lose all interest). When he looks at me in a certain way I kind of feel giddy. Okay, he's just plain hot haha. And ordinarily that isn't enough for me, but right now maybe it's just what I need! He's just that alpha male type that I find attractive in theory but I never really go for. I online stalked him - found out he was captain of the football, baseball, and basketball teams in high school, was his school's valedictorian, and went to really prestigious schools for undergrad and grad school. Mr. All American haha. Anyway, at least I wouldn't have to worry about emotionally damaging him with a casual relationship. He seems like he'd manage to bounce back

 

Lastly, there were two other guys that asked me out this past week. One guy who I met at a networking event (he emailed my work email to see if I wanted to meet for a drink), and another guy that I know through mutual friends who sent me a facebook message asking if I wanted to go out. I have a busy week ahead, so not much time for more dates, so I'm still deciding how to proceed.

[AmelieM]

Had a date with a new guy last night, Bachelor #7 I think? The date was a dud, in my mind. Whenever I feel like I am expelling all my internal energy to keep the conversation going I feel it's not a good sign. Also he had this annoying habit that when I'd say something about myself, he'd interpret it that I was making a comment about what he should do in his life and would shoot it down immediately. For example, I was talking about maybe buying a house (my own house) and one day renting it out, he gave me this look of disdain and said, "No, I like my house too much to rent it out." It was weird, like everything was about him. So no thanks!

 

In other news, I discovered my ex's online dating profile last night. Ugh. There were things that really bothered me on there. The way he had written it, it kind of seemed like he was looking for me, minus my value system. He listed out all the shared interests we had, and said he was looking for someone to share those with him. The differences (which I'm sure were his breakup takeaways) were in religion and, strangely, education. He's not religious, but he used to get mad at me for making comments about other religions, saying I was insulting his family (I never once brought his family into it, he was just extrapolating). So now I see he's seeking someone Christian - which is odd to me because he always expressed a dislike of organized religion himself, and would not characterize himself as of that faith.

 

Second thing is I see he's expressed a preference for certain races, which bothers me. When the only race you exclude from your "looking for" list is African American, I think you should take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself why this is. Quite frankly it makes me sick that I spent years with someone who would see things that way. Fact is, many of our fights centered around this very issue (I felt that he had lived a privileged life and would do well to expose himself to different perspectives, and understand how easy he's had it to grow up an affluent white male. He often acted more like an ignorant frat boy than a compassionate adult. He always told me he loved that I showed him other viewpoints, and he felt he was a better person having known me. Guess the joke was on me! I've gone into detail about this in my older breakup threads.).

 

The education thing is weird. He always said the thing he liked most about me was my intelligence; that I was the smartest person he'd ever known bar none. And now he states he doesn't care if his date ever attended college, and doesn't even care if she's employed. Uhh, what?!? He says he likes independence but he's also happy to "take care of" someone. He states that he has enjoyed huge career success (and goes on to list himself in the highest salary bracket on there), and would love to share it with someone and enjoy the finer things in life. What the heck! So he's in the market for a vapid gold digger now?

 

It's weird. Seeing that profile upset me; but I haven't been able to figure out exactly why. Maybe it's that it calls out the very qualities in him that I was always in denial about? That he cares more about living in the lap of luxury than feeling empathy for those less fortunate? Or maybe it's that it appears he might actually be happy with some airhead gold digger, when I'd convinced myself he loved me for my intelligence and independence. I honestly don't know. I just feel...odd. Like I want to tell him what an idiot he's being with that profile. When really I was the idiot for devoting myself to someone like that for the long haul. Maybe it's upsetting that I can't deny to myself who he really was, and who I really loved, when it's all written out for me (by him!). I'm not sure if I'm sad, or angry, or what. I just don't feel great having seen it.

[AmelieM]

And, more generally, as long as I'm venting... I'm just feeling frustrated with life in general. I feel like I am trying so so hard to make positive changes, and keep my momentum forward, but NOTHING is panning out. I've been applying for new jobs, for example. And have yet to get any promising opportunities. Been rejected for one job I interviewed for that I really liked. I decided to try to buy a house I visited and fell in love with, got all my finances in order and made a competitive offer, but ended up getting outbid. I've been trying to expand my social horizons, but generally end up feeling more disappointed than anything. It's just a rough phase, and I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up.

[AmelieM]

Went out with Sawyer last night. We had some deep conversation, as we have tended to do on these dates. However I really wasn't feeling attracted to him. I really like his personality, we share the same values in all the important ways, and I enjoy talking to him and being around him, but I have no physical desire for him at this point. When we kiss, I don't really feel any sparks. I don't know if this is something that could grow over time, or if I simply like him only as a friend. Honestly this has always been a problem for me in dating. I don't feel much physical attraction to those whom I date; I look for reasons to leave and start pulling away very early on. My only long-term relationships have all grown out of friendships, where I let my feelings develop over a LONG time horizon. Am I incapable of falling for someone through dating them?

 

In any case, I felt like Sawyer was starting to get emotionally invested, so I laid my situation out for him with complete honesty. I told him I'm not at all ready for another relationship yet, and even though a relationship is a longer-term goal for me, I'm just not in a good place to have one right now. I told him the timeline of my breakup, and that I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout. That I don't want to carry my past relationship baggage into a new one. Then I felt really bad because he seemed to imply that he'd "wait for me" to be ready. But I told him not to do that. That's not fair to him. I'm supposed to see him again Saturday, and I'll be approaching things with caution. He's a sensitive guy, and if I feel like he's still getting too invested (even though I've warned him) I'll probably have to just cut things off. He may not be the type who can just take things slowly and see where they go.

 

Also, on my way to the date, saw my ex driving in his brand spankin new car. He pulled out two cars ahead of me. Ugh. I feel like the universe really has a sense of humor sometimes.

[WithLove]

Do you list "short term dating" as what you're looking for? Because if you did, then Sawyer really should have known that you're not ready for anything long term. And if you haven't, then you might want to consider doing so. Otherwise you're just going to be leading on a bunch of guys that will be left wanting more.

[AmelieM]

Yep I listed short term dating on there. My friend actually told me I shouldn't do that, because she thought that would be asking for creeps. But I thought it was the most honest. I'm really just looking to get to know some new people right now, see where it goes. Maybe he didn't look at that section, I don't know. But I've laid it all out for him now so there's no ambiguity.

[WithLove]

Good for you. Maybe you can add to your profile that you're 'looking to meet new people and share similar interests' or something similar. That way, your potential suitors won't expect much.

 

Will you continue to see Sawyer as a friend? Would he agree to that? You are like me and develop feelings for someone that you've been friends with first.

[Batya33]

Yep I listed short term dating on there. My friend actually told me I shouldn't do that, because she thought that would be asking for creeps. But I thought it was the most honest. I'm really just looking to get to know some new people right now, see where it goes. Maybe he didn't look at that section, I don't know. But I've laid it all out for him now so there's no ambiguity.

 

If you're looking to see where it goes that means you're open to a potentially long term relationship, right?

[AmelieM]

A long term relationship is what I want in the long run. It's just not something I'm actively seeking out in the shorter-term, because I don't feel it's fair to get into a new relationship when I'm still healing from the last one. I guess the most honest answer is "I don't know." I don't know when I'll be ready. Is it possible that if I meet the right person and develop feelings for them that I'll be ready for something more serious? Sure. But it's also possible that I am just not in a place where I can get there right now. I honestly don't know the answer.

 

For now, I just want to meet new people because I want to quit dwelling on the past. And I do find that dating has helped shift away from my obsessive thinking about my ex. Where that leads me, I'm not sure. But I just want to make sure I'm not hurting anyone in the process.

[AmelieM]

Will you continue to see Sawyer as a friend? Would he agree to that? You are like me and develop feelings for someone that you've been friends with first.

 

I guess that would probably the ideal situation from my end. Takes the pressure off. I just know that he's looking for something more serious, and really seems to like me. So I don't think it would be fair to put him on the backburner of friendship if he's secretly waiting for me to be ready for a relationship.

[WithLove]

I agree with that. Better to end it now before he's more invested.

[Batya33]

I understand. When I met people through on line dating sites I remember thinking and experiencing that no way would it have been worth the time, effort and sometime stress/aggravation to go through that process unless I was looking for a husband. I'm glad you are up front about what you are looking for so that the serious-minded guys know not to contact you.

[AmelieM]

Ended up breaking it off with Sawyer last night. Well...mostly. I told him that I can tell what a kind-hearted, sensitive person he is, and that it's obvious that he's aiming for something serious. I said I had a feeling I'd end up hurting him, given that I'm still recovering from my breakup, but also because I don't have the best track record with nice guys like him. Guys who are kind of beta like that tend to bring out kind of an ugly side of me; I can be domineering, and not very gentle with them. He reminds me of an ex of mine from several years ago, and I simply didn't like who I was in that relationship. Sawyer tried to talk me out of it, assuring me that he's a big boy who is capable of looking out for himself. He went on to say that maybe this was my chance to date a genuinely nice, kind-hearted guy without turning into that version of myself this time around. Honestly that just turned me off more. In reality, I think he's a wonderful person, and I could definitely see a friendship with him, but I just didn't feel all that attracted to him when it came down to it. I like guys who are sensitive, but not quite to those levels (he cried on 4/5 dates we went on!). I guess I just wasn't drawn to his energy. But he was very persistent, and I told him I at the very least need to hit pause on things. But I don't at this point think we are a good match. So good on paper, but you have to be attracted to someone to want to date them!

 

Unfortunately am still dealing with moments of missing my ex as well. Especially Sundays - these are always the worst days for me. Life has just felt like a marathon without water breaks lately. Frustrated with my work situation, frustrated with my home situation, and frustrated with my relationship situation. Trying very hard to make positive changes and keep myself moving forward, but nothing good seems to be coming out of it.

[Batya33]

I don't think being non-assertive is nice -why describe it that way? If you want what you label "alpha" then often you have to take the downsides with that too especially in an LTR -be careful about mistaking thoughtful and kind for nonassertive and on the other hand thinking that passive and doormat is "nice" -it's not and often it's quite selfish.

[AmelieM]

I don't think being non-assertive is nice -why describe it that way? If you want what you label "alpha" then often you have to take the downsides with that too especially in an LTR -be careful about mistaking thoughtful and kind for nonassertive and on the other hand thinking that passive and doormat is "nice" -it's not and often it's quite selfish.

 

I suppose that was probably an oversimplification. What I liked about Sawyer, in theory, was that he had exactly the set of morals I was looking for. We shared pretty much all the same world views (though not much in the way of common interests), which isn't always easy for me to find. He also struck me as very caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. I just didn't feel any sexual attraction to him, and it didn't seem like something that would grow over time.

 

So yes, maybe "nice" wasn't the right term. He brought up his therapy on the very first date, and would talk incessantly about what conclusions he'd drawn over the years from meeting with a therapist. I think it's great that he's taken charge of his emotional health, but resultantly, all of our conversations were just a little too touchy-feely for me. It's not just an alpha/beta thing. I've never really gone for the stereotypical "alpha" male - as you said, there are too many downsides. I actually tend to be drawn to men who aren't afraid to show their emotional side; just not men who seem to be entirely ruled by their emotions. That seemed to be the problem here. Yeah, it's sweet that he'd get choked up over sappy commercials...but it sure didn't make me want to tear his clothes off haha.

[AmelieM]

What a nightmare. And primarily one of my own doing. I just need a place to vent.

 

Synopsis: I heard a rumor at work (my coworkers were chatting over the wall from me) that my ex was being tapped for a new job that would take him to another city. Curiosity got the best of me, so I sent him an e-mail mentioning nothing in particular (wasn't letting on that I knew anything, just mentioned an inside joke) to see if he'd tell me about things. I know I was only asking to be hurt at this point.

 

He replied saying it was great to hear from me, and that he was dealing with some "big changes" in his life and he'd fill me in when the dust settles. Irrational me was insulted that he didn't trust me to tell me whatever they were right now. He went on to send a couple more fluff e-mails afterward.

 

Then later that evening, he called me. First time he called since the breakup 4 months ago. Idiot that I am, I answered. He told me that he's actually deciding between two job offers, one that would keep him in my city, and one that would move him several thousand miles away. Both jobs offered him millions - he actually told me the dollar figures, which I thought was tacky and insensitive. (Ironic - first i'm upset at him not trusting me with the information, then I'm hurt that he'd give me all the specifics).

 

He started telling me how hard this last month has been without me, and that he misses me a lot. That he harbors no ill will against me (why would he? I'm the one he dumped!), and thinks so highly of me. Ugh. I cut off the conversation shortly thereafter.

 

Definitely not a great move on my part. I guess I just thought I'd rather hear the news from his mouth rather than the gossip mill. Honestly, I would be upset either way. But I am in rough shape today. Here I am struggling to scrape together enough funds to buy a very very modest place, and meanwhile he thinks it's okay to tell me about his multi-million dollar offers? Yet STILL I don't get mad at him. Just hurt. This whole time I've only managed to feel hurt, never angry.

 

Anyway, I feel very set back now. And it's frustrating because it's a setback of my own doing. I opened those floodgates when they were previously shut. I just feel like his life is going so well, and I'm trying SO hard to make positive changes but I've just been running in place.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't beat myself up about it - now you know the downsides of contact and you probably won't do it again. I think it's totally fine that he told you the details of his offers -he assumed you wanted to know and might not know at this point about your financial struggles. It's not like he won the lottery -sounds like he worked to get where he is and that he will be working hard for a salary like that. Comparison leads to nothing productive.

[AmelieM]

Yeah, I think he just misses having me as his emotional support system. I was always the person he'd talk through things like this with, and after I emailed he probably thought it was fair game to use me in this capacity again. But when you dump someone, that person can no longer share in your successes with you. Because they are no longer shared successes. Just feels like rubbing it in my face.

 

When he was talking about missing me, and how he thinks so highly of me, he was being SO awkward. Just stumbling over his words. I could hear how uncomfortable and nervous he was in trying to convey whatever it was that he was trying to convey. Was kind of a weird conversation. Luckily I really did have to go when I cut it off, otherwise I probably would've let it progress further into weirdness.

 

Anyway, I'm just hoping I can drag myself out of this hole I've allowed myself to fall into. It made me realize how much I miss having him in my life. My friends and family are baffled at how I am anything but angry with him, but I'm just not. I guess the reality is I still love him, which is a painful place to be.