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Insight Please


brighterside

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I am looking for some advice and feedback from others. I have been in an on/off relationship for 5 yrs. We share a 1yr old daughter & had planned to move into together however, we have been hitting some major roadblocks. I was happy & content with his space my space but was willing to entertain a full live together relationship as of this past year. The thing is the last 4/5 months he is really different & it has been making me distance.

Whenever, we have aa fight he says things that cut deep & I have had a hard time trying to get past it. Example…this last fight we had was because he wanted me to take a picture not nude but a full body picture. I explained to him I’m not happy with where I am physically & didn’t feel comfortable right now taking a picture. I also, reminded him how much I hate pics & how I am mainly the 1 behind the camera. He said, I was beautiful & he loved the way I look & this was something that he really wanted me to do. We went back in forth a few times no fighting just lots of pressure from him & I never agreed we just left things hanging. He called a few days later & asked about the pic again & I said, babe I’m just not ready for pictures yet I’m not comfortable or happy with where I am so I don’t want to take any”. I was then told, well this is what I want & this is what I asked u for I want u 2 take a *body* picture with something’ sexy on.

 

I got upset & said u really want me 2 take a picture although, it makes me uncomfortable because this is something you want? He said, I want it & will appreciate it I love u & thanks. I then send him a letter & told him that it bothered me that he would want me to do something that makes me uncomfortable for the benefit of his wants. His reply was, “he was done & didn’t want to have a relationship & that it’s not his fault that I am fat with low self-esteem”.

 

It might seem like something more is missing but the past 3 months things has become this way. He goes from my extreme…I love you to the other extreme….mean & harsh. Any & everytime (past 3 months) I don’t go with his flow he lash out & say cold things. The other day we had a fight over where & the things u was saying. I explained 2 him pressure to have sex was a trigger to me as he knows my history. He got upset & said, “ f’it & I probably didn’t get raped I just f*cked the guy”. The thing is I was raped by an old family friend 7yrs ago as a teen and when I told I wasn’t believed until the person finally admitted it.

This has been happening regularly the last few months. He don’t just say mean things he is cold and hurtful and use my insecurities to lash out when I don’’t give in or give him what he wants. This last time it didn’t hurt or bother me I have just become so use to getting hit with his words when he is mad that I tune it out BUT, I also, don’t feel loving or connected to him.

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You've been "on and off" for five years. How many more years are you going to be in his life and remain in the abuse? Your shared child doesn't need to hear and see this kind of emotional abuse and manipulation. Your bf over-steps boundaries and then becomes like a 12 year old when you are strong enough to not let him coerce you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with.

 

Why not break up with him and get court ordered visitation schedule and child support payments in place and move on from him as a romantic partner? What keeps you tied to him when he clearly doesn't value you? Don't let your daughter come to believe that how he treats you is how men are suppose to treat women. I'm more then sure that you would never want her being manipulated like you are being and carrying on with someone that she can't get on with long enough to the point that she's off and on with him.

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Get a custody and child support agreement in place with the help of a good legal assistence, a lawyer.

 

End your on and off again relationship. Anyone who would try to bully you into a nude photo or call you a liar so crudely about being raped is not worth having in your life.

 

You deserve better. Nobody would be better than this creep.

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Thank you, things were good until I became pregnant. I enjoyed him living in his place I lived in mines it was a lot less pressure. We met 2yrs after my divorce I was married at 18 divorced at 31 yrs old. Once I was pregnant he started pressing the living together relationship more but the sudden change in his attitude made me distance. I have no desire in a relationship with him any longer because I don't like I can be myself but will continue to walk on eggshells to not piss him off.

 

What keeps me tied to him I really have not given it deep thought until now. My first thought was our daughter but in reality I know with or without him I will provide for her. I think I feel tied to him due to my past failed married. My exhusband was my 1st & only (by choice) until my now daughter's father. My ex-husband & I have 3 children together but we also, raised his oldest son fulltime from the time he was 4yrs old until we split & divorced. Oldest son moved in with his mom & was killed within 14months of living there he was 16yrs old. The amount of pain & guilt I carry feels unbearable at times. I often think had I not pushed a divorce just because I was unhappy he would have never moved back in with his mom & his death would have not happened. The struggle I watch my other 3 endure has been pure torcher as silly and dumb this sounds I feel like this is my punishment for me pushing a divorce and I deserve it for all the hurt I have caused our kids for destroying their world.

 

I know I did not cause his death but I can not shake the feelings & thoughts of guilt.

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