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I'm the cheater and can't stop


Mature55

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I've been straying off for 3 yrs now and am feeling more anxious and guilty about it recently but can't put a stop to it. I've been married 15 yrs n know my H has been with other women, either online or in person, he goes back n forth. We've been to counseling a number of occasions for counseling but it always ends up going back to him going online n meeting women. Anyway, I don't want to leave the marriage so my unstable crazy mind allowed me to find another n begin a relationship outside my marriage. It doesn't stop there, I recently have added 2 other guys to my infidelity and now I feel anxious and depressed about what I'm doing but don't know how to stop. I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who's experienced the same. Thank you in advance.

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So you've both been with other people during your marriage? How's the home life aside from all this? Have you considered an open marriage? And are you being open about your being married to the men you're seeing?

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Can you open your marriage? This way everything would be out in the open, you wouldn't be cheating, so you'd have no reason to feel guilty. Some people are just not made for marriage, and there's nothing wrong with it. Talk to him and see if he'd be interested in an open marriage.

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Why stay married? I don't like the concept of an open marriage. If you want other people it goes against your original agreement--both of you.

 

I recommend divorcing and being free to have as many lovers as you want to have.

 

Deception just eats at your soul.

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Why stay married? I don't like the concept of an open marriage. If you want other people it goes against your original agreement--both of you.

 

I recommend divorcing and being free to have as many lovers as you want to have.

 

Deception just eats at your soul.

But it's why they should sit down and discuss it.

 

We've got no idea what their home life is like. If it's stable and they're otherwise happy, but simply like seeing other people, it's quite possible an open marriage could work. For me, personally, I don't like the idea any more than you do, but I'm not her or her husband.

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Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy.

I agree. I remember my grandmother always used to tell us "can't means don't want to". She was right.

 

Op, if you really, genuinely, wanted to stop, you would. Maybe try marriage counseling to help sort out all the issues in the marriage for a start.

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You can stop but you must start trying.

 

"Open marriage" is nothing more than silly wordplay, which leaves you right where you started.

 

Divorce is just the acknowledgement of a non-marriage.

It's time to acknowledge your situation.

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Are you guilty because you don't want to have multiple partners anymore but can't stop like you husband can't stop (addiction?) Or: Are you guilty because you feel you're betraying your husband? Are you anxious because you fear you'll stop and he will just keep having other women?

 

Tell us WHY you feel anxious and guilty...

 

I don't want to leave the marriage
Tell us why? Does he make you happy in genera? Does he have regular, attentive sex with YOU? Is he a good provider. Why don't you want to leave your marriage?
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You can stop but you must start trying.

 

"Open marriage" is nothing more than silly wordplay, which leaves you right where you started.

 

Divorce is just the acknowledgement of a non-marriage.

It's time to acknowledge your situation.

Open marriage is a real concept. It's simply not one you nor I would adhere to ourselves.

 

If they've got a happy and stable home life and would benefit sexually from having partners outside of their marriage, then it's an option worth discussing for them.

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Have you sought out counseling just for yourself, on your own? That's what I would do in this situation.

 

You are married to a man who has been cheating on you for years. And even though you have tried to work it out, gone to counseling, he still cheats.

 

Now you cheat too. And you feel no better for it, apparently.

 

And that makes sense to me. Because sleeping and even emotionally connecting with other men can't fix the fact that you are committing yourself to a partner you can't trust. For good reasons.

 

I agree with the poster who said divorce would be simply acknowledging what is already done; the monogamous trusting commitment is done.

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ask for an open marriage .. why is it that you feel guilty about being with other men .. and yet you know he's been with other women? does he feel guilty about that?

 

there's nothing wrong with loving and wanting sex .. it's the most natural thing in the world and it feels great!

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Open marriage is a real concept. It's simply not one you nor I would adhere to ourselves.

 

If they've got a happy and stable home life and would benefit sexually from having partners outside of their marriage, then it's an option worth discussing for them.

 

If they benefit from having partners outside the marriage then what is the purpose of the marriage at all? They aren't married then, just room mates who get along with each other. Don't say the purpose is "love" because it can't be in this situation. They cheated before the marriage was open, they got married knowing the intent was to be faithful and neither could do so. So if not for love then what is the point of being in a marriage that only succeeds if you seek out people outside the marriage for certain needs.

 

So I actually agree with the "silly wordplay" comment.

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Seems to me like all you and hubby have to do is be honest with each other and agree to screw around with other people. You are both doing it, you both want to do it, and your anxiety is based on the deception.

 

In this case there is no need for deception.

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Can you open your marriage? This way everything would be out in the open, you wouldn't be cheating, so you'd have no reason to feel guilty. Some people are just not made for marriage, and there's nothing wrong with it. Talk to him and see if he'd be interested in an open marriage.

 

best option is to open the marriage, to set boundaries properly.

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Talk to him and see if he'd be interested in an open marriage.
I bet you $100.00 bucks he'd not agree to that because that would mean he would have to share her. Chronic cheaters more times then not, don't agree to equal rights. Selfish, self-absorbed, low self-esteem, self entitled... It's all about the "self."
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  • 4 weeks later...

Bit late to this thread. The whole "open marriage" thing is always doomed to failure, IMHO. The ones I've known have all ended horrendously (really really really horribly) because of unchecked emotions on either side. Seems like eventually somebody starts to feel more hurt than the other and the marriage begins to feel fake and pointless.

 

But to each his own lol.

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  • 2 weeks later...

are you intimate with your husband?

 

I mean... if he does not stop why would you? You have to talk to him but seems to me this is a lost case. My intuition says that if you talk, he agrees to it and then months/years later he is back at it.

 

I would say... go for divorce and find someone else that completes you and makes you happy.

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