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Gf is going to weekend festival with guy friends. Doesn't want me to go.


davekin
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I guess what mystifies me is the co-ed thing. I am just a couple years older than you and when I was young 20s, if a group of mixed gender friends wanted to go on a trip, they got a room for the guys and room for the girls. There was no situation where everyone was bunking up all in one room unless they were cool with whatever happened (including guys being handsy with a sleeping or drunk girl). But I guess that is not everyone. That being said, I don't think it should ever be seen as a negative to not want your girl to sleep in the same room with several guys - or a gal not wanting her guy in the reverse scenario. When someone is seen as controlling for having trouble with that - to me that is sad indeed. If some couples are okay with it - then fine, but when we think the "default" or the "normal baseline" should be "being cool about it it" - its kinda unfortunate, at least to me.

 

At any rate, if your girlfriend thinks that this is perfectly normal going forward, its a compatibility issue for sure.

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There is an 11 year gap. And it's not a girls weekend getaway, she is the only girl. We all do have much in common, the guys just don't know me too much.

 

We were a mix of guys and girls.

 

Honestly, if I'd planned a weekend away with friends only, no significant others, and someone invited their boyfriend I'd be pissed. Especially someone that much older.

 

I'd let this go. There will be other more important battles to fight l.

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We were a mix of guys and girls.

 

Honestly, if I'd planned a weekend away with friends only, no significant others, and someone invited their boyfriend I'd be pissed. Especially someone that much older.

 

I'd let this go. There will be other more important battles to fight l.

 

I agree all he can do is let it go. However, the ENA boards are full of stories like this where something happened during party time which complicated the relationship. If the OP was going away for a weekend as the only guy and was sharing a room with multiple girls, I cannot believe his girlfriend was be okay with that.

 

Human nature being what it is, there is probably already some male-female awareness going on within the group. when she comes out the shower wrapped in a towel and they are lounging on the bed, you do not think they are going to look? It is even stranger that none of the girlfriends are going. Are we even sure that they know about this and are down with it?

 

But if he lets it roll, he has to be prepared for the conversation down the line. "I have something to tell you but don't be mad....we were all drinking, ok....and I don't know how this happened..." Well it happened because of the situation that was setup and ripe for some boundaries being crossed. i think wanting a solid boundary like a separate wall in different rooms is a good idea. How could changing the sleeping arrangements ruin the fun of attending a music festival together?

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So what I take from what you're saying isn't "You must do X" is more like OP needs to talk to his GF and they need to get on the same page.

There's nothing to discuss here. The only fact that stands were that plans were made prior to the relationship. He doesn't need to be invited and should be understanding. She poorly handled the invitation to him, but the OP needs to drop it.

 

Honestly, if I'd planned a weekend away with friends only, no significant others, and someone invited their boyfriend I'd be pissed. Especially someone that much older.

Me too- especially if it was last minute and it wasn't brought up by the person until after she invited him. So rude... But it still doesn't excuse the friend's snark.

 

A sex thing has been discussed already. But what about drug usage? It is a music festival, right?

I guess what mystifies me is the co-ed thing. I am just a couple years older than you and when I was young 20s, if a group of mixed gender friends wanted to go on a trip, they got a room for the guys and room for the girls.

Festivals are not always music related.

 

At 20-25 years old I had my fair share of attending scifi/comic/anime/fantasy/renaissance festivals with a group of friends for the weekend. Most of them were guys. It was usually me and two other girls out of a group of 10. We shared room together because hotels are EXPENSIVE- especially if a festival was in a larger city where the prices of hotel rooms are exceedingly high- like over $300 a night. We saved more money sharing a room together (sometimes a suite) than getting separate gender rooms. Nobody was having sex or getting stoned- we were all busy enjoying our time at the festivals. And some of us were dating and had SOs who were not interested in going to the conventions.

 

So really, the co-Ed rooms are not the issue here. The problem lies with the OPs girlfriend being a poor planner and not handling her rude ass friend who made a snarky comment. It is strictly a boundary issue with both the OP and friends.

Edited by Snny
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Thanks for taking the time to give insight. I have dropped it. We talked about it, and it's a one time thing. It was planned before I was ever involved. I do trust her, or I would've simply broke it off over this. It would be silly to end something that is growing over this. Thanks to everyone for giving me different perspectives.

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Sorry, I haven't read all the answers and comments of this thread. The only thing that would concern me is these friends. They sound very uninviting to stay with for a couple of days anyways and I sure wouldn't want to go as a third wheel...

When I met my boyfriends friends they were so inviting! They were excited to meet me and always, ALWAYS are fine if I come along. They never make a big deal of me hanging around. I can't even imagine they would say something mean or bad or even slightly funny if my bf had a festival they would go to and I decided to go with them. They actually would make an effort to include me!

 

How his/her friends are treating you says so much about he/she is treating you and other people as well. I think friends are a great reflection of the personality your partner probably has. Just be aware to get more involved with her and her friends if they act so hostile for one little festival.

 

Other than that I do think you shouldn't be too concerned about anything. The festival plans were made prior to your relationship. So there isn't really anything you can do now. Man up. Just be aware of more signs you dislike about her friends or her.

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I know what you mean. I already made up my mind about what I feel about these fellows. Either way, I'm dating her not them. I just come to assumption that they are boys who have possibly been friendzoned in the past and see me as a threat.

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Davekin, go with your gut on this and how you think you will feel about it all the future. I had similar problems with an ex in the past. While I'm sure nothing happened, it highlighted the fact that she wasn't very mature and had different values to me. Those guys were friendzoned too but never became friends of mine. Think about this, will these guys be friends of yours too in the future? If yes, then this trip will never bother you again. If no, then you will also feel a little peeved about this trip.

 

The fact that you are writing about it shows that it bothers you. I can say with hindsight, that things like this will come up again throughout the relationship. You expressed your uncomfort and your GF does she care? Or is she simply saying too bad for you deal with it? Would you want a wife who goes away on trips with the boys and doesn't want you around. Time to start talking about this stuff now because these kind of values don't really change in people. Sure those guy friends might fade away over time, but I guarantee your gf's approach to situations like this won't change and you will be stressing about plenty of these situations in the future. One day she might dump you for being a pain over it and you will be angry that you never stood by you values.

 

And... you say you are dating her and not them. I take this as you don't really like these guys much. I used to say the same thing. But your gf picks them. So you are also saying you don't like your girlfriend's choice making abilities. Really think about yourself here.

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you say you are dating her and not them. I take this as you don't really like these guys much. I used to say the same thing. But your gf picks them. So you are also saying you don't like your girlfriend's choice making abilities. Really think about yourself here.

 

My thoughts. I'm living together now with my bf and yes, sure I'm not living together with his friends. But the way his friends are say a great deal about how he is. And he still hangs outs with his friends (without me) and it's nice not to be anxious about it, ever. I love his friends. They are JUST AS kind, warm, open en trustworthy as my boyfriend is.

 

That's what I meant. If these friends aren't welcoming you into their own friendship, if these friends of her are seeing nothing in common with you, than I would really second guess your relationship with her.

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I sympathize with as I'm in a relationship with a girl in her 20s and I'm in my early 30s, something is definitely off here, trust your gut! One thing I've learned is most (95%) of "guy friends" are after one thing from their "best female friend" -Sex. Yup I said it, sex, they want her and they don't give a crap what you think, it's just one of those pesky little unfair things of life.

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Long story short, I was invited to go to a long weekend festival. Then I was uninvited by my gf. She told me it is not fair to her friends who are sharing the hotel with her.

Given that they're all male friends, fair is you going with her and you two get your own room. In a different hotel.

 

Unless you're broke, pay her share of the room she would have shared with the boys to remove money issues. Then you're more likely to find out what's really going on.

 

They had planned this trip before my gf and I ever met.

Sure, but when circumstances change it's not unreasonable for plans to change.

 

Her friends that are going are guys and they are not taking their girlfriends to this festival.

Haha. They don't want to take their girlfriends but they want to go with your girlfriend?

 

She claims she wants me to go,

Why do you say "claims"? You don't believe her? I haven't met her and I don't believe her.

 

but I can't because it will upset them.

That's lame. Are you boring at parties or something? Have bad BO?

 

This has left me upset. How upset would this get other people?

Who cares what other people think. It's how it affects you that's relevant.

 

I trust that she is not fooling around with them, but I am hurt that I am not being included and my feelings are second to her friends. Am I making a big deal out of this?

What deal are you making out of this that might be big? Are you threatening to dump her or gatecrash the festival?

 

We have been dating for 3 months, she and her friends are in their mid 20s. I'm 35.

You're an old man then with a young girl (perception of her friends not mine) ... and ...

 

I just come to assumption that they are boys who have possibly been friendzoned in the past and see me as a threat.

If you think that's possible then I think it's highly likely. Which means one or more of them still have a crush on her, so yes, you're an interference in whatever hopes they might have.

 

Her decision is made, she doesn't want you coming along (or she's been pressured to make that decision by her friends). Your choices are:

 

1. If you can find several mid 20s female friends to go to the festival with and share a room with, do that. Then everything balances out nicely.

2. Decide you should say this is an inappropriate arrangement under current circumstances and give her a choice. You go also and you and her share a room, or she doesn't go (you could offer to refund her share of the room), or you will view it as a lack of commitment and respect on her part for your relationship and rethink your own level of commitment.

3. Decide there is nothing wrong with such an arrangement and you're being silly for feeling threatened. Tell her to enjoy the festival, then go do something else with your friends.

 

If she's not sharing a room with her friends then I'm even more surprised she uninvited you. Is she embarrassed to be seen with you in front of her friends? Somewhere else I thought you said it's a festival you've been to or would like to go to so it's not like it's something you have no interest in.

 

Personally I'd do number 1 or 3. And not expect the relationship to last much longer. From the point of view that she's either embarrassed to be with you and will dump you eventually, or she's vulnerable to pressure from other men to do things she's not comfortable with (she DID invite you initially) and will end up being seduced by someone one day.

 

Depends a bit also on how she views you and how she expects you to behave in a relationship.

 

I'm assuming this is some sort of music festival, with drink and party atmosphere. If on the other hand it's a quantum physics symposium and her friends are Sheldon, Howard, Raj, and Leonard, then most of what I said is probably irrelevant. Watch out for Raj though, he's a sleeper Casanova.

Edited by winniethepooh
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One of the earlier posters rudely said put on your big boy pants and let her go without you. I disagree, this situation your in reminds me nearly exactly of when an ex-gf of mine got raped. Sometimes girls don't get the dangers they put themselves in and if you are concerned don't let it go. It's simple, like the last poster said, you guys get your own room. Id pretty much just tell her that's what's going to happen, problem solved. I've been too nice in the past on this stuff too, now is the time to put your foot down, she'll respect you more anyway. This is the problem with dating younger, in some ways you have to compensate for her lack of experience with your own.

Edited by Feast
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Thanks for taking the time to give insight. I have dropped it. We talked about it, and it's a one time thing. It was planned before I was ever involved. I do trust her, or I would've simply broke it off over this. It would be silly to end something that is growing over this. Thanks to everyone for giving me different perspectives.

 

You say "it was planned before I was ever involved" as if that matters. Situations change, and we make changes based on what's going on now rather than what was going on then.

 

Now she has a boyfriend, back then she did not, so back then it was ok for her to go away with and sleep in a hotel with a bunch of guys who don't want you around but now it is not ok.

 

You do what you want Dave, but if it was me I'd tell her to go have a good time and enjoy herself because she won't be enjoying herself with me when she gets home.

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One of the earlier posters rudely said put on your big boy pants and let her go without you. I disagree, this situation your in reminds me nearly exactly of when an ex-gf of mine got raped. Sometimes girls don't get the dangers they put themselves in and if you are concerned don't let it go. It's simple, like the last poster said, you guys get your own room. Id pretty much just tell her that's what's going to happen, problem solved. I've been too nice in the past on this stuff too, now is the time to put your foot down, she'll respect you more anyway. This is the problem with dating younger, in some ways you have to compensate for her lack of experience with your own.

 

 

"Don't let her go"?! She is not a possession and he has no right to tell her what she can and cannot do.

His right is to terminate the relationship. Nothing more.

 

She won't respect him more. She may decide she doesn't need a parent as much as a partner. You cannot compensate someone's lack of experience with your own. Life doesn't work that way.

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I used to travel to events all the time with a group of guys. Usually I was the only female.

 

The only time "something" happened was when I wanted it to and so did the guy.

 

If I didn't want anything to happen it didn't. And yes, I got hit on pretty much constantly, but the word "no" is very short and easy to pronounce.

 

Either you trust her or you don't. If you do, and she's loyal to you, Brad Pitt or Prince William or Channing Tatum could hit on her and she'd simply say "no".

 

And no, there's nothing you can do about it if she did choose to cheat. But it sounds like you've decided to trust her, which will either pan out fine or it won't. And you'll know if it didn't, eventually.

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Long story short, I was invited to go to a long weekend festival. Then I was uninvited by my gf. She told me it is not fair to her friends who are sharing the hotel with her. They had planned this trip before my gf and I ever met. Her friends that are going are guys and they are not taking their girlfriends to this festival.

 

She claims she wants me to go, but I can't because it will upset them. This has left me upset. How upset would this get other people? I trust that she is not fooling around with them, but I am hurt that I am not being included and my feelings are second to her friends. Am I making a big deal out of this?

 

We have been dating for 3 months, she and her friends are in their mid 20s. I'm 35.

 

The thing that I found weird about this - and maybe I'm just generalizing - but I think guys are typically very chill and probably wouldn't mind an extra person coming to an event like a music festival. I don't know if the issue is that the 3 (?) of them are getting a hotel room together, and if you go, then you and your gf would have to get your own room, then the two guys have to pay a lot more for a hotel room.... or if there's something different going on. It wouldn't make a lot of sense for the 4 of you to share 1 hotel room, plus I'm sure you'd rather have alone time with her.

 

Best case is that they are all friends and nothing will happen and she comes back to you. Worst is that she's playing off all the male attention off each other. I guess just see how things go in the future with other events and if she includes you.

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"Don't let her go"?! She is not a possession and he has no right to tell her what she can and cannot do.

His right is to terminate the relationship. Nothing more.

 

She won't respect him more. She may decide she doesn't need a parent as much as a partner. You cannot compensate someone's lack of experience with your own. Life doesn't work that way.

 

He's older and knows how bad of a situation she's putting herself in. Yes he's acting like a parent and that is unfortunate. He should consider leaving her if this crap continues. Take it from the guy that has to live with the guilt his GF got raped doing almost exactly the same thing. I do anything to go back in time and tell her she's not going period rather than just objecting. I objected, told her why she shouldn't go without me, she gets raped, has a break down, and I have to live with it. This isn't theortical, it happened. So in this case, I am really opinionated because I've lived it.

 

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down when you see trouble ahead.

Edited by Feast
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I went back and read the older posts. Seems like a lot of people think that since there are multiple guys in the room with her, that is helpful, better than just one. Also since they are friends, that's good too. If there is one bad apple, the others will protect her! It doesnt work that way. Its quite the opposite. Without getting into detail here, I'll just say reinforcement of negative behavior, and since they are all friends, their less likely to stop each other. Here's a typical scientific report on this:

 

 

'A group of people will often engage in actions that are contrary to the private moral standards of each individual in that group, sweeping otherwise decent individuals into ‘mobs’ that commit looting, vandalism, even physical brutality.'

 

Read more: link removed

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This isn't a mob scene, it is a group of friends that are going away together. One female, and a bunch of guys.

And they didn't want a newbie in the group, changing the dynamic of a planned trip.

 

Ok, I give up. Just surprised how naive everyone is about her safety, especially the women posting. I'm beyond the invited/uninvited topic, I'm thinking safety here. She needs a responsible female friend or her BF with her. It doesn't take a faceless mob, 3-4 drunk men sleeping with a passed out girl can go south fast, real fast. It's statistically and physchologically a bad situation. Hopefully none of these guys wants more from her (they probably all do). Hopefully she's strong enough to not drink all the free drinks she gets bought by her "male friends". Hopefully she doesn't get slipped something. How many stories have to get reported in the press before this gets figured out? It happens all the time. There all friends, doesn't matter or help really.

Edited by Feast
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Ok, I give up. Just surprised how naive everyone is about her safety, especially the women posting. I'm beyond the invited/uninvited topic, I'm thinking safety here. She needs a responsible female friend or her BF with her. It doesn't take a faceless mob, 3-4 drunk men sleeping with a passed out girl can go south fast, real fast. It's statistically and physchologically a bad situation. Hopefully none of these guys wants more from her (they probably all do). Hopefully she's strong enough to not drink all the free drinks she gets bought by her "male friends". Hopefully she doesn't get slipped something. How many stories have to get reported in the press before this gets figured out? This happens all the time.

 

She doesn't need a keeper. You don't even know if these guys drink, you don't know anything about them so creating this catastrophic scenario is just ------ odd.

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"And they didn't want a newbie in the group, changing the dynamic of a planned trip."

 

 

doesnt work that way with anyone ive been close with....

 

 

its kind of going on right now with me personally.... My friend just got a new gf....he asked if she could

go..we all met with her..she is really nice...she offered to pay her way and she is bringing some

alcohol..nobody has an issue....all my friends are pretty chill....I feel like its not my

place to tell someone they cant bring their SO as long as they pay their way and

they arent annoying..they are welcome...

 

 

i guess some people are different

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I wouldn't be cool with a partner with these boundaries. But I'm not OP. And I'm a woman. I think it's less a safety issue here and more a boundary issue. If it was a woman posting about her younger bf going off with a group of female friends, sharing a hotel room, I'd feel the same way as I do here.

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